Pajiba

What's C.H.U.D.?
Anyroad, whatever it is, it's good news that Rob bleedin' Zombie is not making it. The guy is a canker on the fruiting body of Horror. Mind you, I still prefer him to this shithead Eli Roth.

Dude, please don't say you have never played Max Payne. Nobody I know who has played it thinks it is just "some third-person shooter." It is like Sin City, but with Bullet Time, and if I have to explain that, then you are dead to me. I mean, the movie will more than likely suck, but the game is awesome, drunk or sober.

You are breaking my heart, Dustin. Really.

I thought the worst it could get for Steve Guttenberg was that soul patch he was sporting on Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Looks like I was severely mistaken. But at least those mysterious pics of Cheri Oteri with Simpson are explained.

If, if, they manage to capture the noir spirit of Max Payne then maybe, just maybe, it'll be verging on watchable. Damn, now I need to play it again.

Also: Is that Intern Keith in the Jessica Simpson Trailer? I can't bring myself to IMDB it.

Heigl is my version of the Haggis others feel compelled to defend. I just like her. Even that trailer made me smile. I'm...I'm so, so sorry.

On the other hand, that Jessica Simpson trailer may be the worst thing I've ever seen or heard of.

Its only 8:30 in the morning, but after watching those trailers I need to go home and shower again.

Fuck im hyped for Bring It On 4, apart from the woeful second entry they are some of the most fun films to watch.

Everyone, C.H.U.D is the name of the movie, not an abb. It's a terrible movie... TERRIBLE...

AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just . . . just . . .

AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Between Hairspray and the Enchanted trailer, I have a mad thing for James Mardsen now. I've even stopped calling him James Marsters. 27 Dresses looks kind of cute. DVD-rental cute.

When I saw that horrible Bring it On trailer, I groaned out loud, went "Oh god. The squads are named the Sharks and the Jets." My fifteen year old brother said "..and?" And I had to explain West Side Story. So are the two squad captains going to have a forbidden love, and die all tragically? Cause I'd totally watch.

I promised myself no more outbursts at work but I was not anticipating two cheerleading teams chanting "east coast, west coast".

Dustin, you are an evil bastard. I do like the juxtapositioning of C.H.U.D. and the Skank Cancer-ettes, though. Now I need to bleach my retinas, because all I can see is Jessican goddman Simpson trying to be Goldie Hawn. Yergh.

"...Jerry Blake, impressively played Terry O'Quinn in the horror flick The Stepfather ("Daddy's home and he's not very happy!"). Since it's officially been 20 years now since its release, a remake is constitutionally mandated. In your title role, Dylan Walsh ("Nip/Tuck") will be taking over duties, which is a spectacularly bad choice"

Pauley Shore wasn't available?
Jesus H. that IS spectacularly bad.

"Everyone, C.H.U.D is the name of the movie, not an abb. It's a terrible movie... TERRIBLE...
Posted by: Shaun at November 13, 2007 10:06 AM"

It is both the name and an abbreviation actually, as Dustin so groovily used in his title above,
and I say it is the *so bad it's good* lovable sort of movie. I can definitely see where getting hammered first would make it even more fun.

I can actually feel my brain cells dying. In a minute they're going to start leaking out of my nose like snot. Hehheh, I said snot...oughtta go back to werk now...wtf cant werk lose to muny braincells...jessica?...

What made Max Payne the wonder that it was wasn't its overly theatrical comic book presentation but the fact that it knew it was a movie rip off and it loved it. It reveled in its clichés and Max's monologues and blasé attitude where all just every Hollywood macho stereotype rolled into one.

The best part of course being how the game portrayed Max's psychological breaks over not being able to save his family. How many times have we all heard the tortured baby wailing scream in our sleep?

That said, no director on Earth can truly understand what we love about these games because they don't fucking play them.

What made Max Payne the wonder that it was wasn't its overly theatrical comic book presentation but the fact that it knew it was a movie rip off and it loved it. It reveled in its clichés and Max's monologues and blasé attitude where all just every Hollywood macho stereotype rolled into one.

The best part of course being how the game portrayed Max's psychological breaks over not being able to save his family. How many times have we all heard the tortured baby wailing scream in our sleep?

That said, no director on Earth can truly understand what we love about these games because they don't fucking play them.

East Coast!
West Coast!
East Coast!
West Coast!

Well that is officially my first smile of the day. Thanks for the cheese, Dustin.

While you were naming all the old-school horror remakes I had a flash back of me walking down the "Scary Movie" isle at the local video store back when DVDs were not available. This isle was identified as the "Scary Movie" isle because a sheet with "Scary Movie" printed in red on a backdrop of a yellow, full moon, behind a big black house was taped onto the rows. I can just remember picking up some of these movies and going, "Hmmm..... no." Good times.

On all this Katherine Heigl hate, I understand. But you have to admit she was pretty awesome on Knocked Up, which surprisingly my mother liked more than I did. Wait, that is not to surprising, considering she has the movie-mentality of a 13 year old boy. And yes, I took my mom to go see Knocked Up with a couple of friends of mine, and no I am not a loser. Also, wasn't she on Roswell? Not saying I watched Roswell, because then I would be a loser. I am not a loser.

Speaking of Rob Zombie-mmmm....Rob Zombie, nice- I wish someone could make a good horror flick with red-necks, rather than the re-hashed "I'm eating your leg, and I had sex with your girlfriend's hu-ha after I cut it off of her. And your girlfriend is my cousin!" My family doesn't do that, and I only know of one family in the park that you have to worry about the cousin thing, well second-cousin anyway.

Love always,

Emily

ps. I gotta go deep-fry me some pickles now.
pps. Slightly long, sorry about that.

Thanks Dustin.

I'm now 50% dumber than I was before I read/viewed (mainly viewed) that round-up.

Although, I can kinda sympathize with Heiglmeister's position. I've been in 10 weddings. And I'm 26. And single. It's nice to be included, but sucks the big fat one all at the same time.

Wow. Considering that it took me two hours to get to work, and I've already spilled coffee, pizza, ink and yogurt on myself (all before noon), I really didn't think my day could get worse.

I was wrong.

Damn you, Rowles.

Oh, and Vermillion's right - Max Payne is actually an excellent game. It's got great potential as a viable movie. But I ain't holding my breath.

Emily, just to reiterate. You are not a loser.

Jessica Simpson - you will never be Goldie Hawn.

I saw the Major Movie Star trailer yesterday; what a joke! It's actually frightening that this got made. Seems like somewhere along the way it would have shut down. J.S. was just hamming her way through (and poorly), it seems. Seriously, can even the most addlebrained teeny-bopper fall for this crap?

It brings me a great deal of peace to know that I'm not the only person who saw C.H.U.D. I have no real memories of the movie but just remember thinking the title rocked!

Toothed Varmint-
In case no one else answered- I believe C.H.U.D. stands for Cannabalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers.

Oh, goody. More cheesy remakes of movies that were lame the first time around, and more movies ripping off popular video games, and yet another antiwar/anti-military/America-is-the-enemy Oliver Stone flick, are in the pipeline.

Tell me again why the Hollywood writers' strike is a bad thing...

Coaster Keith! Coaster!

I can't believe no one's mentioned the absolute best part of Max Payne yet: The fucking name. Max fucking Payne. That rules.

"It's only a jump if your feet come off the ground"...awesome

one has to be careful when starting rumours like "rob zombie will direct the remake of C.H.U.D." because one never knows, when the rumour finally falls upon mr. zombie's ears, he may think, that's a a fantastic idea. though really, we all know it's not.

i'd hope he'd have the sense to remake something like C.H.U.D. II: Bud the C.H.U.D. now THERE'S some classic b-movie remake potential that would forvermore destroy his career.

i can dream, can't i?

I hate you! These trailers made me lose my believe in humanity. That is, what was still left of it.

Boy, I thought the state of the VA healthcare system was the most insulting thing I ever dealt with as a Veteran....Thanks Jessica...Please tell me an IED takes her out in the end.

No. Just, no.

The blue and the red.
The East Coast vs. West Coast.

C'mon people... did Biggie and Pac die in vain?!?! Have we learned nothing?!?!?

And Sorry, but that "hot sex with strangers" line totally sold me on 27 Dresses.

I just needed an excuse to nurse my JMarsden obsession. Thank you.

"Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller"
i watched WAY too much cable as a child.

Yeah! Another movie that depicts a woman who is nothing unless she gets married. We really need more of those. There are still a few women out there (I even know some personally) who believe they can live fulfilling lives without being a Mrs. Some of them are even not actively pursuing potential targets. We need to keep hammering the message out there until these poor misled women get it.

Alex, I also was confused as to if that was Intern Keith or Captain Awesome from "Chuck". Either way, they have killed any good will from either of those shows. I hate you, Assica Simpson. I really, really do. You are not an actress, quit trying and fall into a black hole.

TK, that many items in one morning? Have we hit a record?

I also agree with the awesomeness of Max Payne the game. The movie will likely suck though.

Wait. Did someone say fried pickles?

Pimp my Ride makes me laugh. Hehehe.

And Rob Zombie has made my blood boil for a long time. Am I weird? He needs to stop making horror flicks and start making music again, if only to appear in the videos.

Dustin, I am more angry at you than I was the time you dissed Stephen King and Texas in the same review.

That being said, V and Alex are right. If the noir aspect of Max Payne can be translated well, it'll be a pretty good show.

But Bring It On is such campy fun... right? Anyone?...

I enjoyed "Bring It On" (no, I have never been a cheerleader), have never seen any of its sequels. Why would anyone do that? Which brings me to:

As long as they're striking anyway, could the writers get something in there about a moratorium on remakes, a waiting period, like for a gun or an abortion? Say, 50 years?

Thanks. Appreciate it.

Dustin you ass, all those previews sucked! Although Bring It On II was kinda funny in a completely shitty way...

Max Payne had an unusual story and great style (especially for a video game). I don't see anything wrong with an actor trying to do a bit of both, The Big Hit is one of the greatest movies ever made, there's no denying it. Also when it comes to Max Payne, you have to admit that you must give credit to a game in which the main character's face looks like this: hxxp://au.media.xbox.ign.com/media/016/016828/img_1293888.html (x's to t's) for the entire game. In other news, you guys must really hate Newscorp, my post was blocked by the spam filter when i tried to link that directly.

"Sharks vs. Jets" had to be explained, but "I love the smell of hairspray in the morning" goes unmentioned. I weep for the future of trivia! You can't feel superior if no one gets the reference.
I confess, I have a great memory for useless trivia/factoids.I know,I know, I'm a major nerd.

I thought "Major Movie Star" is going straight to video/DVD.

A couple of questions:

Regarding RSVP - why is The Wedding Planner being remade? Seriously, even Judy Greer is playing the same "best friend to the main character" role from 6 years ago. I haven't seen KU, and find Heigl incredibly annoying, but her rigid demeanor and lack of comic timing looks to be about as bad as Jennifer Lopez's.

In what alternate universe is Edward fucking Burns more desirable than James Marsden? That alone ups the comedy factor, if only unintentionally.

i agree with you daphne. seriously, i hold a firm belief that judy greer is past playing the supporting best friend role. she's hilarious and a way better actress than heigl, who happens to be sporting the ugliest cut and color i've ever seen.

really, i just hate katherine heigl. she's the epitomey of mediocrity when it comes to acting. and her teeth scare me.

Dustin you're killin me!!! First you talk about Travolta getting an Oscar and then you foist a preview of a Jessica Simpson rip off of "Private Benjamin?"
I feel so violated! I thought you were our friend.

With those 3 awful trailers, it seems appropriate to exclaim like the terrible Yankees announcer Michael Kay "Back to Back to Back and Belly to Belly to Belly!" Quote extended from its usual length due to three eye-burning, stomach churning, wishing the writers strike came a year ago trailers. Wow, do those movies look bad.

Mara (waaaaaay upthread): I would totally watch that movie. A cheerleading version of West Side Story? DO WANT.

Major Movie Star, on the other hand? DO NOT WANT. TIMES INFINITY.

And maybe it's just because I'm super-hormonal this week, but the 27 Dresses trailer was a little charming. (Well, okay, James Marsden is very charming.) Might have to give that one a or cheesy-chick-flick-girls'-night chance.

Phew. I had to do a quick imdb recon when I thought I saw Jason Street in that Major Movie Star clip. It's alright guys. Coast is clear. He's still our favorite paraplegic and thankfully has nothing to do with that film.

27 Dresses? I've never been one to say no to James Marsden. I mean honestly, which of us can say they didn't muddle through the entirety of the crapfest that was X-Men: The Last Stand, just because they were hoping at some point Marsden would show back up and disintegrate every other character in that film before breaking the 4th wall and shooting an energy beam straight through RATner's head?

...So that was just me then?

citizen_cris! I thought I was the only one! Her teeth are just so... distracting. And kinda freaky.

But yeah, I'll be seeing the movie anyway because (as has already been stated numerous times): James Mardsen.

I'm beginning to think it's kind of pathetic that I'll sit through mind-numbing near torture just for the few bright spots afforded by a pretty boy. But I do. Frequently.

Toothed Varmint-
In case no one else answered- I believe C.H.U.D. stands for Cannabalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers
Steph

Thanks! I shall find it, it sounds like the stuff I'm bound to love. After all, Troll 2 is my favourite movie of all time, so it makes sence.

After watching those trailers it occurs to me that the whole women voting, being allowed to own property and exercise other civil liberties has been a terrible mistake. Whatever it takes to get rid of crappy cheerleader movies i.e. where the cheerleaders don't get naked and crappy wedding movies i.e. where the bridesmaids don't get naked. Sorry you couldn't handle it.

James Marsden can counteract the lack of talent that is KH (do not want to waste the time to learn how to spell--much less pronounce--her name). Better yet, he plays for my team. Howzaa! Sorry ATO, et al., Mr. Marsden is openly gay, unlike the closet cases (male and female) that populated Hairspray.