Pajiba

Let's face it, Reiner took a fatal hit reputation-wise with North. (I'm assuming that The American President was at least green-lit beforehand).

Spinal Tap, The Sure Thing, Stand By Me, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, Misery, A Few Good Men: that's one shit-hot streak. To paraphrase PSG in Almost Famous, he accomplished in eight years what it's since taken him fourteen years to *not* accomplish.

*to paraphrase PSH, that should be. As in Philip Seymour Hoffman, obviously. That'll teach me to be so darn lazy.

And whatever happened to the Morgan Freeman of Street Smart? Loved that guy. Oh yeah, Driving Miss Daisy and Glory happened. Grrrr.

Dang. I allowed my hopes to be raised a tad that this would be good for an *intentional* laugh or two.

Although, really, was there any need for Grumpy Old Men with extreme sports??

YES. Thank you Dustin! I knew this looked like a piece of over-emotional, trying to make you appreciate your own life more by watching old people live out their last days, and making you feel guilty about not appreciating EVERY MOMENT shit, but everyone around me kept saying, "oh it looks cute!" and "I bet it'll be a real tearjerker-but in a good way!" Makes me realize that I work with idiots, one of whom, incidentally, has the Footprints poster framed on her desk. I'm just relieved that my instincts are in tact. I was a little worried when I had the strong urge to see P.S. I Love You. It passed, thank GOD.

"And when Edward kisses his estranged daughter's child and crosses "kiss the most beautiful girl in the world" off the list..."

You are fucking kidding me.

It's people who watch movies like this, and like them, that are entirely responsible for the piss stain upon the billowing satin sheet of the art world that is Thomas motherfucking Kinkade.

A pox on them, on them and their houses.

Unrelated: I want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind

Isn't there an advanced Scientology class in thta?

it's a movie tailor-made for people who have "Footprints" art posters on their wall.

What a perfect line. Though I enjoyed reading every word of your review, Dustin, the above was really all I needed to know.

Once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for throwing yourself on this cinematic shit-grenade and sparing the rest of us.

I really think that all movie reviews should be done with that in mind Jerce: accompany them with an item of home decor that someone who enjoys this movie is likely to possess.

Dane Cook movies have a beer bong covered in "smiley face" stickers and held together with duct tape, P.S. I Love You would be a pepto-bismol pink sad eyed bear holding a foam filled heart, oooh and for Alvin and the Chipmunks we could have a photograph of a home lobotomy kit and the framed contract signed by Satan himself stipulating the conditions of release for Jason Lee's withered little soul.

It's a genius idea!

Do I even ask which one of you has to fall on the grenade that is "Dungeon Seige"?

Have I been living under a rock? What the hell is this movie? A joke?

and what the fuck is a "Footprints" poster? A poster with footprints on it?

I feel like I just walked into a room where everyone was speaking a different language.

Please, to explain.

(unrelated: I ALSO want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind. I still want to squint when I do it - for dramatic, effect of course)

Repost! *grumbles about stupid junk filter*

It's a piece of inspiring artwork featuring some beautifully crafted and incredibly moving words:

http:// www.amandashome.com/ footprints.html

(take out spaces)

You get bonus points if the artwork features a misty beach as viewed in soft focus, kittens frolicking in some kind of meadow or anything depicting the special and eternal bond between a crazy old woman and her granddaughter.

Thank you for this dose of bitchiness. I can start my day off right!

And whatever happened to the Morgan Freeman of Street Smart? Loved that guy. Oh yeah, Driving Miss Daisy and Glory happened. Grrrr.

And what the fuck was wrong with Glory, I ask?

I knew a few more months of diaper-changing and insomnia would knock that silly new parent fog of fluffiness right out of you. The Lil Pajiba was strong, true, but I believed you would make it out.

The movie I can take or leave. I would say more, but I am still drained of bitchiness right now.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Mitch Albom bender! Oh Dustin, you are back!

(Although, I too cried at August Rush. It's ok, clearly you weren't permanently damaged.)

I'd just like to put out there that this movie is evil. When I say evil I mean, of course, the George W. Bush definition, in that it is ever-present, threatening our security by it's very existence, and therefore must be bombed into oblivion.

Best.Review.Ever.

Somehow I get the feeling that, two years from now, I will have to sit through this movie with my mother-in-law some Sunday afternoon when we're visiting and she's Tivo'd the thing along with episodes of "Cold Case" and "Without a Trace."

Shoot me now.

Footprints is a "poem" about how feeble-minded and weak humans are in comparison to God, and how He is forced to carry us through life because we just can't handle this world on our own.

Just one of the many reasons why I am an agnostic.

I won't be seeing this, although it is EXACTLY the type of movie that will have my parents knocking down the doors of the cineplex. Forgive them, they live in Utica, New York, and if you had any idea just how depressing that shithole is, you'd be hankering for a little inspiration, too.

Kolby,

Having lived outside of Utica for the last couple of years (albeit in a nicer part, in the country), I know EXACTLY what you're talking about.

No matter how depressing the landscape, both physical and cultural, however, I'd never sit through crap like this. Sadly, this being as "middle" as "middle America" gets, I haven't seen a movie in the theater in quite a while.

Unrelated: I want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind

Isn't there an advanced Scientology class in thta?

Posted by: Brian at January 11, 2008 8:59 AM

First you have to go through auditing, then bow down to the Mighty, Tiny, Tom and the final stage is that you must be the spawn of L.Ron and whatever pathetic and delusional sap will have the spawn of a awful Sci-Fi writer and probable lunatic.

Great Review. Mr. Nicholson, remember when you did good movies? Remember One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? The Shining? Anything????? You should be ashamed of anything that you did after As Good As It Gets.

Alex...I would give anything to have the right combination of accelerants and matches to take out as many Kinkade stores as I can. I worked at one of them my senior year of highschool and during my first semester of college. Now...his prints are WAAAAYYYYY overpriced for the everyman, but the everyman doesn't buy his shit. It's all these primped, benz-driving, baby powder smelling early retirees looking for something to go with the recessed lighting in their living room, right above the mantle. You know them...people who's opinions are about as necessary as having an asshole in the middle of my forehead.

Now...Kinkade made me a lot of money, but I've met the guy because he came to do a 'Signature Highlighting' in which people could pay $2000.00 to have a canvas reprint of his shit touched up by him!! what a fucking douche. not to mention...for someone who is supposed to be a man of god and all bible-y and stuff...he is one of the biggest assholes I have ever met. Fuck that dude and fuck everyone who's idea it is to buy 'art' at the mall...right next to new balance and baby gap. Oh...and I'm glad this movie sucks. Cuz I was having trouble wrapping my head around either of these guys in a buddy comedy from the first moment I saw the preview.

I have this aunt. She cross-stitches bible verses, frames them, and hangs them on her wall. She prays for my soul. (Sidenote: Jesus is always blond and blue-eyed). She will love The Bucket List.

I won't.

Thanks for sparing me two hours and $15. I'll go see Juno instead.

Melody But they will teach me how blow things up with my mind? Is there home study class I can take, like the University of Phoenix online Masters programs?

It's great to have you back in full form, Dustin; I laughed through the entire review. Oh, and sign me up for the Kinkade Torching Party. I loathe everything that obnoxious piece of shit stands for. It crappy-ass faux-artists like him that make it so hard to get real art out and accepted into mainstream society.

I will admit to loving Bob Ross, though, just 'cause it's so fun to listen to his stoned ramblings as he paints his "happy little world." I introduced my daughter to The Joy of Painting, and she was utterly fascinated.

Armando, that's like my Sunday afternoons when we're forced to watch Fantastic 4 Part Deux and fucking We Are Marshall with the family, just so they can be spiritually uplifted by McBongos stirring speeches.

Kill me now.

Scathing? Check.
Bitchy? Check.

Tell us how you really feel, Dustin; I sense you're holding something back.

"...13-year bed-shitting streak..."

*sigh* I love me some Pajiba.

Cheers to the "Accepted" reference. That movie is totally underappreciated.

"I hope you have hobo stab insurance."

Kolby,

Having just returned from a Holiday stay with the family in Utica (pronouced chu-tica), I have to inform you that the movie theater in The Mall closed down. As such, it looks like your Utica-parents (and mine) are going to have to wait out 'The Bucket List' until it's on DVD.

I'm with Vermillion on this one:

UM... Glory??? Only the best movie to (unfortunately) feature Matthew Broderick.

Seriously, I bawled like a bebe at that movie. Sobbed. Me! And I'm a notorious bitch.

All Hail the Single Denzel Tear!!!!

Kinkade is such an ass. I had to work NEAR him at an art show once and just that was enough to nearly push me over the edge. His slogan, "The Painter of Light" or whatever...vomit.

Great review P.S.

JC! Never fear, the reason why the Hoyt's at Riverside Mall closed is because a BRAND SPANKING NEW theatre opened on Commercial Drive in New Hartford. I believe it's called Marquee. Incidentally, I have no idea how the area, depressed as it is, will support all the new development in New Hartford. It's insane. They have the biggest Barnes & Noble I've ever seen.

Oh, and I got my parents a Netflix subscription for Christmas. So they're covered either way for at least three months.

Oh again - we call it Chu-tica, too! Maybe we should hold the Pajiba Convention there. At the very least we can all take a tour of the Saranac Brewery and sample the beers.

I am so over Nicholson. He's such a hack. Freeman is creeping into the territory of only being able to play (and narrate) himself. bleh.

Hey--and don't be hatin' on John Mayer. Momma has a little crush.

Light = Christian bible-thumping definition for 'Shite'. The umbrage he raises in my brain and body is immutable. He probably clubs baby seals or drown kittens for a hobby. If I were to get all Jungian on him just about his 'art'...I can see he's just a bloated piece of shit with an idealistic idea of family and america with a limited grasp on reality.

I second the Utica Convention!!!!!! Simply for the beer!

I have to second (or third, fourth, whatever) the Glory love. It is a wonderful movie. That and it has Cary Elwes in it, that is always a good thing. Oh, that and it has to do with the Civil War which is also a good thing, because I watch movies about it religiously (I own Gods and Generals and Gettysburg, the extended and regular editions and am damn proud of said ownership).

Reviews like this are why I come to this site and thanks to my forced hiatus, to come back in time to witness the unrelenting vitriol of the frothing mad Dustin Rowles, I have seen Heaven, that is if I believed in such a thing. I cannot wait to see what the rest of the year has in store, although, at the current rate of shititude, sarcasm will give way to comas.

welcome back, dustin.

Though I appreciate the close proximity to my current residence, a Pajiba convention in Utica? That's just cruel, Kolby. It's a great area if you want to live in a Richard Russo novel, but -- since there is not actually a Dunder Mifflin branch there - I can think of nothing else redeeming about it.

So I'll admit....I didn't know who thomas kinkade was....I guess I didn't roll in those circles. So I went to look him up. I found his website. Painter of Light? I now realize I have seen those shitty paintings of his and always wondered who made them. I always assumed they were prints created by the Hallmark-equivalent of an art company. I want in on the burning.

I was genuinely baffled when I first saw this trailer. Nicholson and Freeman in a buddy movie? Do my cynical ears deceive me? I was afraid to say anything bad about it, for fear that by invoking their names in a negative manner, I would call down their wrath from afar. Thank goodness you showed me that there's nothing to worry about...because this is shit. Thank you for showing me there's nothing to fear, Dustin....I will be able to laugh to myself and keep walking when I see the bible-thumping, thomas kinkade-worshipping queue in front of the theatre.

Fine...we have a Utica veto apparently. How bout Philly?!! Everyone loves Philly. One of the best cities in the world in my opinion. And that's not me speaking as a local. I live in LA, lived in NYC, lived in Boston and have travelled quite a bit and at length. It's just big enough not to be small and there's plenty of culture, history, diversity, and TONS to get into.

Now that's what I call bringing the fucking hammer down on the anvil. Fucking Jack Nicholson.

Re Glory: a fine and enjoyable film with a wee bit of the white-man-as-hero-in-film-about-black-oppression thing. Doesn't make it a bad film, it's quite good, and historically accurate in the broad sense of the white officers going to bat to even get a chance for those men to fight for their own freedom, then fighting alongside them while being spat on by their own fellow white soldiers. But that doesn't make the whites' experience somehow "equal" to that of the freed slaves they fought next to.

What is it about Pajiba that brings out the arson in people I wonder?

Now where did I put my blowtorch...

3 things, Mr. Rowles: Tomato Pie, Chicken Riggies, and the aforementioned Brewery Tour. So Utica, and yet still so good.

I'm actually amazed at the number of people on this site that a) know that Utica exists, and b) have actually experienced the city in all its glory. For those of you that have no idea what we're talking about, picture the cast of Goodfellas working at a call center, and without the fabulous wardrobes.

I've been to Ithaca, once, and the only thing I remember is being scared shitless of driving stick on those fricken hills.

Last fall, I stopped off in Utica for dinner while roadtripping to Maine. It LOOKED like it was going to be a big(ish) town, and I guess it wasn't tiny...but I was really surprised at how desolate the "downtown" area was. I'm very much a fan of old town centers beating out the strip malls, and it was disappointing to see it so empty...at like...7:30 on a Friday evening. However, we did manage to find an acceptable tapas place for dinner, to Utica's credit.
Dustin - - glad your mojo has returned. Have to say, though, this review made me sort of depressed - what a waste of talent! I'm very fond of both Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson and can't for the life of me understand why they'd sign up for this shit. I may still see it, out of a kind of morbid curiosity.

Kolby, what is a Chicken Riggie? The most Northern place I have been is Pittsburgh, unless you want to count Midway Airport in Chicago. We do not have that in the South.

Guess I'll sit in the corner alone, quiet, disliking Glory. Just something about Edward Zwick's films that I can't quite put my finger on. Should be great, most nearly are, but somehow just... aren't. (My vocabularly is curiously absent today.)

And I'd contend that the best movie to (unfortunately) feature Matthew Broderick is Election.

Don't you all see?!? The Pajiba convention obviously has to be held somewhere in Indiana or Kentucky. That way, everyone can make good use of thier gift of snark in comments concerning the locals, the food (Applebees or Waffle House, I'm sure), the lack of culture, the two-screen movie theatre that will undoubtedly be showing The Bucket List and PS I Love You, the "W" bumper stickers from 2004, and the ratio of pickup trucks to people.

Don't you all see?!? The Pajiba convention obviously has to be held somewhere in Indiana or Kentucky. That way, everyone can make good use of thier gift of snark in comments concerning the locals, the food (Applebees or Waffle House, I'm sure), the lack of culture, the two-screen movie theatre that will undoubtedly be showing The Bucket List and PS I Love You, the "W" bumper stickers from 2004, and the ratio of pickup trucks to people.

sorry for the double post there. i was evidently excited about my idea.

I'm all for an Indiana convention. I've lived there....just the people walking by the table are endless food for sarcasm

Now tt is just trying to start some shit. Which i am all for. But who the hell wants to go on a trip to Kentucky.

"Hi everyone! Come to Kentucky! Come see our beautiful....awww shit...what the eff do we have anyway. Ummm...mountains? Grass. Hmmm...Daniel Boone was here once. Christ I got nothin'. Drive through us on your way to Chicago!"

'The cast of Good Fellas working at a call center' is, by far, the most apt description of Utica that I've ever heard. Well played, Kolby.

And, if I may prolong the Utica-love a bit longer, I'll pipe in and say that Chicken Riggies are an Italian pasta-and-chicken-taste-joyfest.

Speaking of joyfests (nice transition!) excellent review, Dustin. Perfectly scathing and wonderously phrased.

I love this review. I was in a funk and now I am funk-free. Thanks.

Over the holidays, I was at a Christmas Party hosted by a co-worker of a friend of mine (is that grammatically correct?). Anyhow, the hostess and some of the other people there were talking about this flick and how "cute" it looked.

About twenty minutes into the party, I hit the bathroom and, no lie, she had a small framed Kincaide (fuckinhatehim), two (TWO!) variations on the "Footprints" poem, and a little shelf above the pooper with a "Precious Moments" plate on it. And the whole room reeked of craft-store popouri (I know I didn't spell that right - no need to correct).

Needless to say, we were out of there within the hour. I wish I would have taken the time to pee on something "Precious"...

Dead-on with the review. Thanks again.

The best movie to feature Matthew Broderick is Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I don't say unfortunately because I don't think he's a horrible actor. He doesn't ruin otherwise good movies -- Election being a prime example -- he just has no idea what a good movie is, so he ends up in all sorts of crap.

If we have the convention in Indiana, may I suggest somewhere near Hammond? That's where Three Floyd's brewery is. I can stand being in that state if I'm drinking the best beer in the country.

Anyone else wondering where the hell Slim is? This just doesn't seem like a complete conversation yet.

I'm thinking of framing this review (and comments) and hanging in the shitter.

I can't tell you how many people i have tried to explain my hatred for the footprints BS to...they look at me funny and say they love that poem. Ugh...that's what you get for growing up smalltown catholic.

I'd rather see Celine Dion and John Mayer in concert, TOGETHER, than see this heartwarming piece of shit.

Are you effing kidding me???!!!

http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com

Rumour has it that somewhere in the Midwest lies a one-of-a-kind original "Footprints" painted by Kincaide himself.

Rumour also suggest that if a Pajiban can get his/her hands on said artwork and take it to an actual screening of this film, a ripple in the time-space continium will allow the holder to go back in time and warn an "Easy Rider" Jack and "Se7en" Freeman of this steaming piece of shit.

It would also be helpful if he/she could go back about nine years and warn me against shaving my head, as I've recently discovered that I'm unable grow it back in a large patch on the back o'my skull.

Not to get all Al Sharpton on everyone, but why couldn't Morgan Freeman have been the workaholic millionaire and Jack Nicholson have been the mechanic/axe-wielding maniac/crazy dude with funky gadgets and too much makeup? Just wondering. I think I know the answer already, I'm just poking the shit with a stick. It's a slow day.)

Melody - Chicken Riggies is a dish made with Chicken, rigatoni pasta, hot and/or sweet peppers, and a very light tomato & olive oil sauce. It's a regional favorite. My dad makes the best I've ever had. On almost any given night in Utica, you will find a restaurant that features it as their special.

Back to the review - I've been thinking about it, and I just remembered that my Father-in-Law's new wife (Step-Mother-in-Law?) has decorated her powder room with Precious Moments figurines, the Footprints poem, and the Prayer of St. Francis. Apparently this is an epidemic, and one we must fight against.

oh, i get it. this movie is for one of my asshole ex-bosses who made the work experience all the more intolerable by decorating the office walls (when you are in a cubicle there's no escape from this) in those motivational quote posters. do you all know which ones i mean? the ones that have a picture of some jackass snowboarding (or rock-climbing or what have you) with some quote underneath that said (i shit you not): "Winners don't wait for chances, they take them" or "Greatness is only achieved in the absence of fear". as though i would read those sitting at my desk doing mind-numbingly boring work day in and day out, and that would hit me like the biggest pep talk in the world and i would think to myself, "Winners must have two things: definite goals and a burning desire to achieve them" (on a poster of a guy running up hill).

i hate people... (grumble grumble)... sorry, i should be happy it's friday but all the fucknuts are coming out the woodwork to mess with me today, i swear!

and just for those of you who have had this misfortune to never see one of these breathtaking posters.. here you go. there's 18 pages of possible asshattery for you to enjoy.
http : //www. 100plusposters. com / allposters. html

Nicholson's thinking, "I shaved my head for THIS?" This year, he's showing up at the Oscars in a fucking banana hammock and clown wig. He's doing a Todd Solondz version of Gacy.

legib, I feel your pain; so I am sending you to Despair-dot-com.

Type that address into your browser. Laugh your ass off. You're welcome.

..."my asshole ex-bosses who made the work experience all the more intolerable by decorating the office walls (when you are in a cubicle there's no escape from this) in those motivational quote posters. do you all know which ones i mean? the ones that have a picture of some jackass snowboarding (or rock-climbing or what have you) with some quote underneath that said (i shit you not): "Winners don't wait for chances, they take them" or "Greatness is only achieved in the absence of fear"..."

I know exactly what you mean...which is why I hung up a few of my own... http:// demotivation. com/

Seriously....this website should be a staple for all Pajibans...

This was abeautiful review. Things were becoming far too civilized around here what with Juno, There Will be Blood, No Country, etc. There was precious little to hate.
However, the whole Footprints conversation has brought back terrible memories of the two years after my father died when my mother went batshit religious crazy (not a long journey for her, but nonetheless...) and used to drag us regularly to a house where a woman she knew spoke in tongues while breastfeeding (who knows how my brother who was 9 at the time was ever able to have a normal sex life after that) and she then developed a most embarrassing crush on a priest who gave her a Footprints plaque that hung in our dining room for years afterwards.Now I have to go sit in a dark corner and try to get past this. Damn you Pajiba for ruining yet another potentially productive work day.

I'm so glad Pajiba and Dustin are back in full force. I was afraid you had gone soft over the holidays. I know now I had nothing to worry about.
This movie looked like crap just based on the trailer. I guess Freeman and Nicholson have reached the cashing-in-for-tons-of money phase of their careers. Remember Lawrence Olivier in "Clash of the Titans"? Total money grab for someone of his talent.

Those Thomas Kinkade paintings are such dreck. They are so full of artificial sweetener that one should check one's blood sugar after prolonged exposure.

I can't believe there is a footprints web site. I'm such a cynic, I shouldn't be surprised that one exists, since there is such a demand for sentimental crap.

I worked in one of those offices with the "motivational" posters. They always reminded me of the posters that are supposed to be up in Chinese factories extolling virtues of the communist party and socialism.

hmmm, so you DIDN'T like the movie?

damn Jerce....beat me to it.

Omigod! What a Dustin fest this revue was. In fact, everyone is in fine bitchy, scathing form.
Why don't the Coen brothers sign Morgan Freeman up for a new film that starts with his trademarked godlike narration which quickly devolves into the rantings of a psychopathic killer who has partnered up with Javier Bardem as his comic relief sidekick as they lay waste to Utica, NY, killing their victims with drug laced chicken riggies which they force into their gullets with a pressure gun and then...

well played, Shadows...here are a few styles to choose from: http://despair.com/viewall.html your cubicle walls will thank you, even if your boss won't

As I suggested earlier this week - and it would give us all an opportunity to make the pilgrimage to our Fearless Leader's estate

The Pajiba World Convention, 2008 at the Celebrations Banquet Facility in Ithaca, NY this July.

The obvious thing to do in this situation is to hope -with-fingers-crossed that Thomas Kincade has a "show" at Tamarack, WV. Then we can combine Pajiba Decides '08 with murdering a hack. By lighting him on fire. Per Alex's pyro leanings.

And though I indeed drove through Kentucky and Indiana on my way to Chicago a few weeks ago, and they are certainly worthy of a Pajiba Convention, nothing can compare to the drecky hack-ed-ness that is Tamarack. If ANYONE knows about Tamarack in West Virginia (who's new slogan is evidently "Open for Business," a great step down from the former "Wild and Wonderful," in my opinion) then you know of the horror of which I speak.

oh, and Craig, you are so on with Election. Definitely the best movie to feature M.B.

For some reason the trailer for this movie reminded me of those odious commercials from various providers of financial services pandering to the now-aged Baby Boomers. I hate those frelling commercials because they imply that every single Boomer was either a hippie or a radical, either marched on Selma or attended Woodstock or lived on an effing commune. Whatever. And then, to stroke their egos even more, the commercials encourage them to keep on rockin' in the free world with their walkers and adult diapers and Viagra. Grrrrrrr.

But really if this movie is the equivalent of a Thomas Kincaid painting, wouldn't it also be the visual representation of that highly regarded Christmas ditty, "Christmas Shoes"? 'Cause that's where the line is taking me.

I'm left wondering where my Jack Nicholson of "Five Easy Pieces", "One Flew Over a Cuckoo's Nest", hell even "The Witches of Eastwick" has gone. I blame that bobblehead Laura Flynn Boyle.

And no matter where the PajibaCon is held, I doubt that my warden, er husband, would release me on parole to crash it with my cultured yet hillbilly sensibilities. Damn these child-rearing responsibilities...

QUITTERS INC REFERENCE!!!

Awesome!

That short story seriously prevented me from taking up smoking at any time in my life.

AlabamaPink: Why not bring the Alabamapinklet along? God knows, there is much baby love around Pajiba these days. By the time he/she is old enough, the internet will be accessed by a little finger clip like the ones that patients wear in hospital beds and Disney and ABC Family will control all the content so show her/him what is used to be like before President Huckabee burned all the books.

I'm sorry, but I don't know if I can live in a land that is lead by a man called Huckabee. Isn't that something that Jodie Foster's character in Nell used to say, over and over again?

Melody But they will teach me how blow things up with my mind? Is there home study class I can take, like the University of Phoenix online Masters programs?

Brian, I am sorry to inform you but you must be OT level 75 to learn the secret and mysterious ways of Xenu. You have to give 11 billion dollars to Scientology and some other stuff like that I guess. There is no online class for this. If there were, I would have signed up long ago.

Can I join the Kincade hate wagon? Please, oh please. I have a minor in Art History and that man is an insult to art.

Election is a fantastic movie. Ferris Bueller's Day Off is Broderick's best movie though.

Legib,

You and I are having the same day . . .

Submit my my adorable yet mildly insane Little Pink to the nefarious influences of these folks? I shudder.

Which reminds me: at my ten year college reunion (snoozefest), there were at least two couples milling around the cocktail party with infants strapped to their bodies. So surreal...

Well, if what you predict is true, then by that time I should be living somewhere off the grid with my paranoid, gun-collecting uncle and my survivalist dad. Prepared, of course, for the forthcoming zombie apocalypse.

So, Thomas Kincade is very big up here in Alaska. I think it has to do with the snowy and woody shit. I can't lob a rock without hitting three of his freaking "paintings," they're in all the art galleries and you always see them in office buildings. They drive me NUTS. I just want to scream at people. This is not art! This is the shit that they put on those velvet drawing things for kids with the three colored markers that always dry out halfway through. They are utter crap, and people fawn over them like they're wee little miracles from his fingertips.

On topic: This movie appears to be for crap. I JUST watched Jack Nicholson in The Departed, which I enjoyed a lot, and I enjoyed him a lot in it. Therefore, I'm going to pretend like he is not in this movie. It actually stars Fack Bicholson. And that bitch can't act.

Is this the point where I mention that Thomas Kinkade drunkenly heckled Sigfried and Roy?

It's one of those sentences I repeat to myself whenever times seem bleak.

Jerce & Shadows... how can I thank you? I am having a hard time deciding which one I need-- Clueless, Apathy, and Ineptitude are describing the day I am having today. Although, Procrastination might be best for most days.

Off the subject of Demotivation posters, I got the same feeling from the trailer Alabamapink. Although, taking it one step further what if it was Freeman narrating for a company whose insurance protects the elderly against attack by robots OR for the always needed, undervalued "Oops I Crapped My Pants"? Now that is a commercial I would love to see Nicholson in.

Shit, I have really lost my freaking mind today. But it made me giggle and that's worth it.. 2.5 hours until I can legitimately sneak out. Thanks Pajibians!

those fiery review titles are what drew me to pajiba in the first place. thanks for coming up with the best caption to accompany a picture of jack nicholson in those ridiculous sunglasses EVER.

wait...

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Is this the point where I mention that Thomas Kinkade drunkenly heckled Sigfried and Roy?
--twig

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what?

So Nicholson's character is a zillionaire...that explains how 2 people can travel around the world and still afford healthcare in America.

O/T: There's a joke in there somewhere about Chamber's bucket list and a chamber pot, but it's Friday, so I've already devoted all of my cleverness to sneaking out of work early. Go for the gold, fellow Pajib-ites. Bonus points for working in a Utica reference.

It was a newspaper story from a while back. If you Google a bit I bet you can find the original source, but I just went for 'drunken thomas kinkade' and grabbed the first thing I could find.

"In sworn testimony and interviews with The Times, some ex-dealers have accused Kinkade--whose dreamily inspirational limited-edition prints are steeped in Christian-oriented themes of faith and family values--of ruining them financially while enriching himself and his business associates.

They and others also described incidents in which an allegedly drunken Kinkade heckled illusionists Siegfried and Roy; cursed a former employee's wife who came to his side when he fell off a barstool; fondled a startled woman's breasts at a signing party; and urinated on a Winnie the Pooh figure at the Disneyland Hotel in Anaheim."

Terry Sheppard, a former company vice president who is the "angry ex-employee" Kinkade referred to in this week's letter, earlier told The Times that he often went to bars and strip clubs with the artist and once heard him utter, "This one's for you, Walt," as he relieved himself on the Disney figure.

Well, this is it. After three years of reading Pajiba, I've finally been forced out of the woodwork to say, "THANK GOD." This is the exact review I hoped to read for this manipulative piece of tripe! So very happy.

So these were my choices of the maternal figures in my life:

My stepmother who bought fucking Kinkade paintings and put them up everywhere.

OR!!!OR!!!OR!!!!

My mother who took classes on how to paint like Thomas Kinkade! I'm totally serious the point of the class was to learn how to paint like him, it was held at a park and everything. AH!!!!

Great review! I also loved Roger Ebert's take on this one. He gave this one star and said

"I've never had chemo, as Edward and Carter must endure, but I have had cancer, and believe me, during convalescence after surgery the last item on your bucket list is climbing a Himalaya. Your list is more likely to be topped by keeping down a full meal, having a triumphant bowel movement, keeping your energy up in the afternoon, letting your loved ones know you love them, and convincing the doc your reports of pain are real and not merely disguising your desire to become a drug addict."

Tee hee. And how's this for a blurb?

"'The Bucket List' thinks dying of cancer is a laff riot followed by a dime-store epiphany."

Oh, god, I wanted to quote sections of this in my comment, but I would have copied the whole damn thing. Just brilliant. Jack has become such a caricature of himself that I can't stand to watch him. I lurve Morgan Freeman, but christ, be a little choosier, will ya?

I join the Albom/Kincade haters. Can we form a club?

I will spend my hard-earned dough to drive an hour each way to see Juno, thanks!

"and urinated on a Winnie the Pooh figure at the Disneyland Hotel in Anaheim....and once heard him utter, 'This one's for you, Walt,' as he relieved himself on the Disney figure."

wha? the fuck? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

mai bukkit:

duz jak nikulsin has it?

GIBS IT BAK!!!!!

Okay, so please don't slaughter me for this. I have a serious question. I would like to preface this by saying that I know absolutely nothing about art. I deal in words, not pictures. Having said that, I have to ask: what is offensive about Thomas Kinkade? I looked at some of his work online just now, and it looks vaguely familiar - - like I've probably seen it on some Christmas cards or something - - but I don't get the anger. I mean, it ain't my cup of tea, but there surely is worse out there, right? Is the anger a result of the fact that his artwork is mediocre and over-hyped?

Kinkade paints up a purty picture, Marie, that's not the rage. It's that he tends to couple said canvusai with a sticky assortment of Jesus-Wuvs-You-type proselytizing that leaves you feeling like you've just been bukkaked by a Hallmark card.

Also the mediocrity and overhyping. He's sort of the Dr. Phil of the doodle crews.

Lolrus:

http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/01/09/funny-pictures-the-bukkit-list/

"He's sort of the Dr. Phil of the doodle crews" - that explains everything. Thanks.

"He's sort of the Dr. Phil of the doodle crews" - that explains everything. Thanks.

Am I the only one who saw the trailer for this and immediately knew it would suck? This will be the movie my aunt wants to watch next time she visits, and she will complain that it was ruined by swearing. Oh, and I don't want to be able to blow things up with my mind, I want to be able to make people drop dead by thinking a nursery rhyme. Unfortunately the book hasn't turned up at the used bookmine yet.

You know, for a second there I was going to defend Indiana (my home state and present residence after living out of state for a few years) but then I caught myself because you're right. Sucks ass here. But I've never seen a Thomas Kinkade painting in the flesh so that counts for something. Of course my neighbors are too busy hunting and praying for the rapture for them to care much about art. Unfortunately I'm only half joking. See you at the Applebee's!

I don't watch tv anymore, but I was waiting for a pizza and I saw this commercial on. My husband started laughing as soon as the commercial was over. I told him nothing about this film looked funny, and he said that he was laughing at the LOOK OF HORROR ON MY FACE!

I then cried for Morgan Freeman, because I love him... and it hurts.

Oh, and by the way, I have a drawer full of Thomas Kinkade calenders and footprints posters that I received as presents from "friends." Moral of the story, don't be homeschooled.

Also, Dustin, I love all those films that made you weepy. I do not think you are week. It is the fact that we know you can like a sentimental movie that makes us laugh and cringe when you don't. It truly must have NO redeeming qualities.

I love you all, but don't rag on Kentucky. I am a proud citizen of Louisville. Wait - I just remembered - Louisville is the only cool place in Kentucky! Okay, rag on the rest of the state all you want, but Louisville is actually very cultured (we even have the opera!) and you can't beat the original restaurants here, not to mention the cost of living. You couldn't get a shack in most places for what I paid for my house.

Oh yeah - this movie looks horrifical. Go Cards!

ROB!!! I love you!!!!!! I am a fellow Hoosier who works for those praying for the rapture!!! Applebee's onion petals rock!

Oh, yes, despair-dot-com Demotivators are the bestest if you suffer in a corporate climate, especially because they really separate the wheat from the chaff. The halfwit corporate dipshits will actually think you have a "Successory" poster, while your smart-ass friend(s) will appreciate the subversive in you.

True story: I have a collection of Demotivator coffee mugs, one of which is entitled "Meetings" with a photo of eight hands in huddle formation. The caption says, "None of us is as dumb as all of us." Couple years ago, I had to go to this spectacularly boring marketing meeting, the kind where empty-shell paycheck collectors waste hours and hours of time of the core group that actually pays the fucking electric bill. Perfect for the special mug.

So, I shit you not, the idiot fuckwit Marketing Director read it, looked at me, read it again, then said with an admiring tone, "It's great that you have a sense of humor in a way that still supports the idea of getting together to brainstorm." Mystified and speechless, I stared at her for about five seconds, trying to figure out, "Is she fucking with me?"

Answer: No. She actually read it, understood it to be a joke, but still thought it was meant to support wasting my time in a room full of ear-gnawing gas-bags. A priceless moment, but one that ultimately supported my depressing, nihilistic theory that 99% of humans are a stain on the earth.

Oooh if you were to bring Little A along 'bama I would totally a) fly across the Atlantic and b) quash all my child-hating tendencies so I could tell him how adorable he is and ask him, very nicely and in a not at all threatening manner, to let his Mommy get some fricking sleep.

I'm having Kinkade vu.. didn't we go through this exact discussion when the announcement of his "movie" was reported here. The heckling story is my best. I hope one day, when I'm famous for completely sullying some form of high concept art the thing that everybody brings up is a drunken escapade. It would make me a very happy camper indeed.

The "Apathy" poster on Despair,Inc. sums up my work philosophy entirely.. actually as do the "Dare to Slack" and "Procrastination" posters. Oh, I think I've just found my spiritual home.

Wow, Alex the Odd, I knew I was into you, I just didn't know I'd be this into you.

So, mmmmmm, does Vermillion whisper sweet Demotivators in your ear?

Ok, socalled you know I love ya but you are now officially scaring me.

AtO: My kid will totally charm your socks off with his killer smile and math skills.

socalled: I have a funny to share with you. Just not here.

Anyway:

Back when I toiled as a lesser demon in Corporate Hell, my cube was paper with DeMovtivators. My especially favorite one was about Outsourcing; I've still got it around here somewhere...

A friend recently sent me a mock DeMotivator; it featured the portrait of that god-awful family with 17 kids (They've been on TV a few times I think.). Underneath their frightening visages reads the following inscription:

VAGINA: It is not a clown car.

I thought it would be impossible to top Dustin's impassioned bitch of a snarkfest--welcome home Big D, su casa es mi casa--and then insert... wrote "bukkaked by a Hallmark card". I cannot (dare not) even describe the images that phrase conjures. I can say, however, that I doubt I will ever be able to remove the yogurt spittle (how apropos, quell non?) from the deepest crevices of my computer monitor and keyboard. I think I just got "brain freeze" without the foreplay of a Dr. Pepper slurpy.

'bama: You know the cary grant address right?

AtO: [whisper whisper] Consistency: It's only a virtue if you're not a screw-up. [whisper whisper]

It is the fact that we know you can like a sentimental movie that makes us laugh and cringe when you don't. It truly must have NO redeeming qualities.

That is an excellent point, and well put.

Please for the sake of my sanity, never ever mention the Duggar family ever again, Pink. Please?

By the way, all 17 names start with a J.

By the way, all 17 names start with a J.

This tempted me...I was so overcome with curiosity that I just had to look them up.

I can never take back those ten minutes of reading their website. I may have just doomed myself.

Oh HELL NAW. SoCalled, you sneaky bastard. I thought we had a pact of mutually beneficial ATO stalking, and you going to behind my back? Just had to have her to yourself huh? It seems like this week is just rife with betrayal. First TK wages BBB (broken bottle battle) with me over pajama-wearing Kat Dennings, and now you want to start some sneaky shit with the Tattooed Tease herself.

It is. SO. ON. NOW.

*gloveslap* I DEMAND SATISFACTION!!!!!

dammitjanet: Wow, I think I'm actually in a better position than you. I only work WITH some of those fine folks. They are mostly likable until the subject of "Him" comes up, or anything not Norman Rockwell approved. I listened to several of them (30s/40s men and women) have a conversation today about a girl on the floor of the factory with a tongue piercing and multiple shades of dyed hair. They were admonishing her and I was thinking she sounded like the kind of girl I'd date. Slight culture war here. I actually left the room when one of them said they'd never vote for Obama "because he's a muslim and it's a back door entry for Al Qaeda". Yes folks, some of those Hoosiers really are that ass-backwards. It actually is getting somewhat better if you can believe it.

How terrible/unappealing must this movie be that no one has even mentioned it for several posts now?

Thank you Alex!

I hate Kinkade with a passion that borders on holy.

Motherfucking hack piece of shit.

Sorry, i get a lil passionate about it.

Pajibans will go off an a tangent at a drop of a hat. Especially when it's more interesting than the movie reviewed. How many ways can you describe offal?

I think it's moot, V; when she said I was "now officially scaring" her, turns out "officially" was code for "police" and "restraining order." The gendarmes are at the desk waiting to take me into custody.

Don't take it personally socalled, with my penchant for collecting internet stalkers I have them on speed-dial.

A couple of these "safety in the community" guys are actually rather cute.

First off, great review. When I saw the ad for this crapfest on tv, I said to myself, "Oh, How The Mighty Have Fallen"...and then said, "No, they just decided to take an easy paycheck".

And Utica, Ithaca, Binghamton (where I grew up and lived till last year)- all that part of New York is a wasteland whose remaining inhabitants lack either the means or the good sense to get out.

So my mother is the sort of person who cries herself silly over art. Seriously. We were in the Louvre a few years ago and she wept herself silly over some of the Renaissance Dutch painters.

So you can imagine why her loathing of Thomas Kinkade knows no bounds.

She almost disowned me when, in my own ignorance, I asked her why she hated Thomas Kinkade so much. Granted, I was 16 at the time and dumb as shit, but still, the look of utter disgust that was leveled at me, plus the ensuing lecture, put me to right, tout suite.

moreover, now when I look at his stuff, I am instantly transported to the times I had to be in Canton TX during First Thursdays, staying at a GAWD-awful B&B, where the Bible thumped heavily and the racist jokes flew freely. And yeah, Kinkad krap abounded EVERYWHERE.

It's Dustin bitch!

That review was cold.

LOVED IT.

Shadows, that is what happens when you use the almighty power of Google. That entire clan needs to be sterilized.

The mother is the only one whose name does not begin with a J. She has said before that having that many children is God's will and until God wills them to not have any more, they will continue to have more and more spawn. Oh God, how I hate them.

Stella, out of curiosity, which Dutch master was it? I can get emotional over a beautiful Monet myself. Kincade is a talentless hack.

God, all this talk of Utica! I suddenly feel like I live in the center of the universe. What a desolate place this is!

Kolby, that large Barnes and Noble in New Hartford is my one outlet for something resembling literature (although the selection, given the market, is not anything to write home about).

Here you go, Alabamapink:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/29065894@N00/430185008/

Words to live by. Bookmark it.

you could tell this was craptastic a mile away. Hey anyone ever hear that j. nicholsons mom is actually his sister... is that true Bslim.?.creepy and his LAKERS SUCK ALSO

Jerce- Awe-SOME! Man, those Quiver Full people freak me out.

I'm waiting with baited breathe to see who drew the short stick and had to review "27 Dresses". Good times!

I am so not spending my 1/2 day pay on the yuck that is this movie. Thanks, Oh Bitter One!
And Kincade? He's so hateful, I almost slapped a loved one for asking me what was so wrong with his light-poo.

Whew. I need to lay down and light up a cigarette. That was fucking fantastic.

"nobody outside of Alex Trebek gives a shit in what form you answer the question -- there's not some Quitters Inc. fuck who travels the country torturing family members if you don't answer according to the "Jeopardy" prescribed rules. Stop it, people."

I. Love. You. My dad does this, and gets huffy at me when I don't do it.
"Pfft. Like you have a fucking chance in the 'Broadway' category whether I answer it like a question or not, dad."
"...........still."

....maybe this movie would have worked better if these two were a couple of fags, ummm, I mean gays.

Good save, Pookie...good save.

OK, So I hadn't heard of this movie before reading this review. The title 'Bucket List' had me thinking it was a diversion for people to list movies that made them throw up, or at least want to. Although, maybe I wasn't so far off, after all...

Huzzah for a scathing and bitchy start to 2007...even if we are 12 days in...

Damn. Why you gotta hate on John Mayer.

A priceless moment, but one that ultimately supported my depressing, nihilistic theory that 99% of humans are a stain on the earth.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at January 11, 2008 3:51 PM
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YEAH! I'm soooooo down with that, everyone's an asshole but us.

KILL ALL HUMANS!

what a bunch of fags on here

I hate to disagree but I actually thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Freeman and Nicholson did great, I thought the script was peppered with enough good chuckles and it was a tender story, no matter the predictability. Different strokes for different folks, as I always say, and no way this was among the best movies ever made but I thought it was a sentimental story that kept a smile on my face the whole way through. I think the breadth of Nicholson's and Freeman's acting skills, though, could carry just about anything.

nice friday night lights reference.
clear eyes, full hearts, fuck you!
let it be known that i love fnl, but that's pathos done right, and i'm sure this movie is a big hunk of crap.

Oh, Rob. I found on my computer a letter from one of my bosses to her "parent" organization, if you will, telling them why gays should not be allowed to follow in her "calling" or, "career" footsteps, as well as be married, adopt, breathe, et al. And, I can't tell you how many times I have received "those" emails about Obama being a radical Muslim and that is Al Quaeda's ticket into the White House, and how he won't put his hand over his heart or wear a flag pin.

My best friend bought a Leg Lamp at Christmas, which is brilliant, and my bosses overheard me talking about it one day, and didn't know what I was talking about. They have never seen "A Christmas Story" cause THEIR Christmas story is the other one...I prefer MY Christmas myths to be fun, not filled with a story of how great a dad this guy is to allegedly impregnate some virgin, just so his kid could be tortured to death later one. WOO-HOO!!

I am SOOOOO sure this movie is right up their alley. After all, they loved "Wild Hogs."

Oh, and The Bucket List sucks like a skint-knee starletard who's misplaced her ATM card.

Comments like these make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Ah, how I love Pajiba.

This year, he's showing up at the Oscars in a fucking banana hammock and clown wig.
Thanks a lot, now I have Diet Coke up my nose.

Ok, Thomas Kinkade is not great art. So God's love does not have an exclusive contract with cozy cottages and the warm fuzzies. So the Footprints poem is an overused Christian cliche. Why you gotta be hatin'?

If some people like to have needlepoint reminders of their fave Bible verses, what's it to you? If housewives like to reflect that God can carry them to the tough times of life, why should that make you mad? Old ladies who find meaning in overpriced paintings should elicit pity, not anger. So why is ire the common reaction?

I say this as much for myself as the other Pajibans. When I hear "The Christmas Shoes" (which is happily a lot less often these days)I cry in spite of myself and and then want to smash something. I'm still a practicing Catholic; why do I feel threatened by my mom's growing collection of saint statues? Maybe because she expects me to share her enthusiasm for such plaster piety.

Thoughts, anyone?

No surprise that this movie sucks. Just have always wondered -- why do people think Jack Nicholson is anything more than an average actor? In everything that I could stand to watch him in, he slid by while the rest of the cast did the heavy lifting for him. Or else he did the same lame old "Here's Johnny!" psycho crap or "You can't handle the truth!!" blowhard scenery chewing. Now here he has reached the time in his career we he can play the ham actors favorite card -- the dying old geezer...and hasn't he been down this road before? Oh well, if people buy tickets for this shit, shame on them.

Ms. borden I'll be glad to tell you my thoughts. As it applies to you being a Catholic, I find that your questioning of religion is kinda hot and naughty.

Melody is right on. Election is a great movie, but it's Reese's movie. Ferris Bueller is Broderick's best movie. Glory is embarrassing.

No way in hell am I going to see Bucket List.

Unrelated: I want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind

This is an easy one, if you can develop MIND BULLETS!!! That's Telekinesis Dustin. :)

Unrelated: I want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind

This is an easy one, if you can develop MIND BULLETS!!! That's Telekinesis Dustin. :)

I'll watch it, if only to see God and the Devil share screen time.

Yeah I know it's a piss poor reason, but it's a helluva lot better than dodging claymore mines in Colombo (I am not kidding btw).

I'll watch it, if only to see God and the Devil share screen time.

Yeah I know it's a piss poor reason, but it's a helluva lot better than dodging claymore mines in Colombo (I am not kidding btw).

"And when Edward kisses his estranged daughter's child and crosses "kiss the most beautiful girl in the world" off the list, Hallmark employees and Obama speechwriters everywhere weep with envy."

I am the most pathetic sap ever. Just reading your sarcastic retelling of that scene made me tear up. God I hate this movie already and I haven´t even seen it. How the hell does this shit get to me so easily?

One of my friends saw this over the weekend....he described it as "Ummm, ok. I cried (he's a gay man who cries at commercials) and when I laughed, I laughed hard. But, there weren't many moments when I did that..." This guy is both gay, and a serious Christian (dichotomy?????) so, if he didn't like, why does everyone else?? Who the hell went to see this to make it #1????

My wife loves Kinkade. She has every square inch of the house's walls covered with 'em. I think they comfort her, remind her of the beautiful little cottage she never had as a kid or something like that. I love her and tolerate the paintings. You folks need to chill a little.

"Footprints" in The Onion's Point/Counterpoint:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34168

I am an old geezer who enjoyed "The Bucket List."

However, I HATE Kincade, Footprints, Precious Moments and needlepoint. I too have heard that Kincade is an asshole.

But I loved your review; I can see how maudlin crap can make you want to blow shit up with your mind.

I want to make a plaque for my sister's 50th birthday..... the bucket list 2008...can you help me?