Pajiba

This must be a dude piece.

I got your dude piece right here.

I can only respond to this using the words of Thulsa Doom:

"What is steel compared to the hand that wields it? Look at the strength in your body, the desire in your heart... I gave you this! Such a waste! Contemplate this on the tree of woe. CRUCIFY HIM!"

I'll get the lumber. Someone else get the nails.

I got your lumber right here.

Great news! I can't remember how long I've been waiting for a movie exploring the differences between black people and Hyborian barbarians. Do you understand the roars of berserk rage that are coming out of my mouf!?

I got your...

Dammit! Work with me, people!

For real, Dustin, I love The Rock.

They should get Kevin Sorbo to be Conan. Then maybe people will think it's Hercules and they'll go. Or maybe fewer people will go...shit.

Apparently someone at IMDb thinks ScarJo will be Conan. ...I mean, I guess...

Anyone that wants to help fund my next movie project would be appreciated. It's a biopic of Mr. Ratner starring Jonah Hill as "Young Rat."

Oh, it's a musical.

That's the guy who made X-Men 3? Let me eat his face and twist his eyeballs in their sockets, please.

Sometimes my roommates and I sit around, get drunk, and play a game called "the most embarrassing person I would hypothetically sleep with". Brett Ratner tops my list every time. He has everything I require - he's chubby, got a jew fro, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to hold off crying tears of self-loathing while having sex.

IMDB says that Djimon Hounsou has been signed to be Thulsa Doom. Come on, they're missing out on letting somebody really ham it up. Can you imagine Sam Jackson as Thulsa Doom? "Say contemplate this motherfucker".

Or Morgan Freeman, the wise old sage crucifying people on the tree of woe. Can't you just hear his world weary wisdom quietly and regretfully describing the massacre of innocents?

Fuck it, it's Ratner, he'd probably have no problem just digging up Bernie Mac's moist corpse and plopping it down on a futon. They can just fix it in CGI. Thulsa's supposed to be an undead sorcerer, right? It's perfect!

firedmyass, what's wrong with, "I got your Hyborian barbarian right here"?

I think the perfect candidate for the new Conan would be Heath Ledger. I mean think about it, he's got the golden locks. He's got some kind of accent. And I mean just look at his wonderful performance in 'The Dark Knight.' He would bring an incredible amount of...oh god...oh god he's dead...

Morgan Freeman would make an EXCELLENT Thulsa Doom.

Djimon Hounsou just doesn't quite have the menace for it.

Why the fuck are they remaking this anyway?

If you search for "Conan" on imdb, the first result is Alyssa Milano, and it says that's her nickname. I don't know if that's hot, disturbing, or both.

So, it's not O'Brien? Fuck it. I need more NyQuil.

CONAN, WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?!

Sorry, I love the original WAY more than I should. If Boo were here, we'd eat up this entire comment section just quoting the movie.

This news continues to sadden me.

My husband has a Conan obsession. It happened to be on the other day, so of course we had to watch it - for about twenty minutes I was CERTAIN Rob Schneider was in the movie.

Obviously it wasn't him, but the TV went off after that.

Anna,

I considered that, but it seemed insufficiently juvenile. Plus, too difficult to say when drunk.

Point taken.

I also considered, "I got your berserk rage right here," but it's not really sexual in nature, which seemed to be the theme; however, it is kind of fun to say. (Not as much fun for the people at my office, who are all, "Huh?")

I considered that, but it seemed insufficiently juvenile. Plus, too difficult to say when drunk.

firedmyass, i was thinking more "I got something coming out of your mouf right here..."

I just have to throw out there that Thulsa Doom is not even a Conan character, except in the movies. And as I recall, there was never any mention of Conan's parents or what happened to them in the original stories. I'm pretty sure Conan was the only Cimmerian even mentioned by Robert E. Howard.

Set your course for the Hoth System. General Veers, prepare your men.

I got your Hoth System right here.

Heh heh. You said "tainted." Heh heh.

No, not The Rock. Just get Christian Bale. He seems to be starring in every other major franchise lately (Batman, Terminator, Robin Hood).

EWwwww Brett Ratner looks like a greasy douchey doode! He ruins movies more than Paul Haggis, Uwe Boll and Michael Bay put together. And writing all these shitty directors' names in two sentences invoking the coming of the apocalypse (aside from the side bar issue going on here, that's probably just an added bonus to this week from hell!)...