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The Would You Rather Edition

The Weekly Box-Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | September 22, 2008 | Comments (44)

8. Ghost Town ($5 million): Would you rather work in the Wernham Hogg Paper Company under David Brent or Dunder Mifflin under Michael Scott? (My answer: Wernham Hogg, baby. You’re paid in pounds!)

5. Righteous Kill ($7.7 million; $28 million): Would you rather watch Al Pacino or Robert DeNiro? Naked? In a musical? (My answer: Pacino, of course. I bet his penis deflates every time he yells, “Hoo ha!”)

4. Igor ($8 million): Would you rather have great sex with Steve Buscemi with the lights on or lousy sex with John Cusack with the lights off? (My answer: Lousy with Cusack. I guess).

3. My Best Friend’s Girl ($8.3 million): You’re trapped in a dark room, chained to a chair, and forced to watch, Kubrick-style, 36 straight hours of movies. Would you rather watch Dane Cook’s movies on a loop, or Eli Roth’s? (My answer: Eli Roth. At least he’s not actually in his movies.).

2. Burn After Reading ($11 million; $36 million): Ladies: Would you rather have a 24-hour lovemaking session with George Clooney or Brad Pitt (My answer: N/A). Men: Same question, only Holly Hunter or Frances McDormand? (My answer: McDormand.)

1. Lakeview Terrace ($15.6 million): You meet Sam Jackson on the street. You can ask him to deliver one of his signature lines. Which line would you rather he deliver:

1) “Say WHAT, one more time motherfucker?”
2) “I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”
3) “You know me. It’s my duty to please that booty.”
4) “AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes.”

(My answer: I’m sorry, but with all due respect to the superiority of Pulp Fiction, I gotta go with Snakes on a Plane).


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Comments

Is it weird that I'd go with Steve Buscemi? Yeah, that's probably weird. Move along.

Posted by: Girlnone at September 22, 2008 11:12 AM

I'd like to hear Samuel L. Jackson say something like "Good morning, fair lady. Would you care for some tea? Oh, you do? Would you like a twist of lemon in it? Why, don't worry; I'll slice the lemon myself. Oopsie-daisies, I dropped the knife, tee-hee! Worry not, I'll use a clean knife. Why don't you have a seat? I think the elections have been rather extraordinary, don't you concur? What's that, love? You don't want to discuss politics? Don't worry; I have the antidote for that..."

And then he'd take his mask off and he'd be Steve Buscemi and we'd have great sex with the lights on.

Posted by: Sofía at September 22, 2008 11:15 AM

Girlnone, choosing great sex over bad sex is never weird. Same choice goes for me.

Also, I'd pick Dane Cook, because I can't watch Torture Porn. I

'd go with Brad Pitt 'cause I don't fuck grandpas (ask me in 30 years).

I'd go with David Brent and the pounds, too.

I don't care about DePacino.

As far as the Bad Ass Motherfucka is concerned, I'm with quote 3, I love the word "booty."

The End.

Posted by: Estelle at September 22, 2008 11:19 AM

Sex with Clooney of course. Angelina Jolie has turned Brad Pitt into a nanny.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 22, 2008 11:20 AM

-Mifflin. I'd totally steal Jim right out from under Pam.
-Ugh. Do I have to? Pacino, I guess.
-Totally Buscemi. (You're not the only one, Girlnone.
-Ugh. Do I have to? Roth, I guess.
-I have loved me some Brad for a very, VERY long time. But I think George would do better on a 24 hour run. But that body... Do I have to? I can't just have both? ...fine. Pitt.
-4. No question.

So, when are the good movies coming out?

Posted by: Anna "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 22, 2008 11:21 AM

George Clooney is two years older than Brad Pitt.

McDormand.

Posted by: Jay at September 22, 2008 11:24 AM

"Yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in Hell!!!"

Posted by: Max at September 22, 2008 11:26 AM

Dustin you Nicompoop

everyone knows Sam Jacksons best line is:

"Ezekiel 25:17:The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and with furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."

And I have personaly seen him nail that motherfucker when randomly stopped in the street in NYC.

Posted by: Thaf at September 22, 2008 11:26 AM

"George Clooney is two years older than Brad Pitt."

No shit. Jay, you continue to learn me lessons. Why did I think that Clooney was 15 or 20 years older?

In that case, I'll go with Clooney. I want someone dapper and none-goofy.

Posted by: Estelle at September 22, 2008 11:33 AM

8) Dunder Mifflin
5) Mom, grandpa's naked again.
4) Buscemi. There's enough bad sex in this world.
3) Is stomping your own eyes into a smooth paste an option? I like both sunglasses and eye patches, so I'm cool.
2) Both, at the same time. But with no mirrors around or else we'll never get anything done.
1) None of the above. But a hearty, "YES they deserved to die and I hope they BURN IN HELL!"

Posted by: jM at September 22, 2008 11:38 AM

-If given the choice it would have to be Dunder Mifflin. Anything that would put me in closer proximity to Pam would be worth it. Now to work on getting rid of that pesky Jim fellow.
-neither
-neither
-Ugh, Eli Roth I suppose. He has less movies.
-Holly Hunter without hesitation
-#1 for the Sam quote although Jackie Brown is a seriously underrated movie.

I haven't seen a single movie in the theater since The Dark Knight and I really don't think I'm missing out on much. I second the call for the good movies. Right now I just REALLY need to see Quantum of Solace. Holy shit that looks great!

Posted by: TylerDFC at September 22, 2008 11:46 AM

Dustin, always always always go with good sex over bad sex. What is wrong with you? There are solutions for ugly. Its called doggie-style.

Posted by: Marra at September 22, 2008 11:51 AM

Dustin, always always always go with good sex over bad sex. What is wrong with you? There are solutions for ugly. Its called doggie-style.

Posted by: Marra at September 22, 2008 11:51 AM

a)Dunder Mifflin
2)Pacino as a naked Rizzo from Grease
"There are worse things I could do.."
d)Cusack-definitely. Buscemi might talk out loud and, ya' know, he's just goofy looking.
6)Cook (please don't revoke my pajibarights.)
7)Clooney.. because after one night with me, his confirmed bachelorhood would be OVER! (but actually isn't "confirmed bachelor" old school code for "gay"?)Don't care, we'd rock it.
f) Snakes, i guess. But it doesn't really matter because he is the same motherfucking character in every motherfucking movie.

Posted by: wsapnin at September 22, 2008 11:52 AM

8. Wernham Hogg Paper Company under David Brent because I used to live in England and Martin Freeman is CUTE.
5. Does it matter? I bet MY penis deflates and I don't even have one.
4. Lights on. From the back, I can't see them anyway
3. Dane Cook, MST3K style.
2. Clooney's actually younger than I am and doesn't want kids, so it's probably tied in a knot.
1. I've never seen SJ in a movie, but I gotta go with "Snakes on a Plane" because the fans wrote the line.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 22, 2008 11:53 AM

8) Wernham Hogg. Paid in pounds, plus national health care and those awesome accents.
5) DeNiro could clean up in the musical version of Equus. Look out Daniel Radcliffe!
4) Are we talking puffy now-John Cusack or "Better Off Dead"-era John Cusack? If the former, then Buscemi, but if we're using the time machine I'll take the 1987 model year Cusack. (Over time, the memory converts "bad sex with attractive people" to "good sex with attractive people".)
3) Dane Cook. Sure, the 36 hours would be a horrific experience, but I'd forget the "films" the instant they took the clamps off my eyelids.
2) Um, I'm a man, but I am also teh gay. As a result, I'd prefer Brad Pitt. Sticking with the (ickily heteronormative!) parameters of the question, though, I'll go for Holly Hunter.
1) Option #4 by a mile.

Posted by: jeem at September 22, 2008 11:55 AM

Now to work on getting rid of that pesky Jim fellow.

TylerDFC, I got your back.

Posted by: Anna "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 22, 2008 11:56 AM

oh fuck double post. I fail.

Posted by: Marra at September 22, 2008 11:56 AM

Um, I'll go with Wernham Hogg only because I've been to Scranton and not even Jim could entertain me long enough to keep me there.

De Niro. For some reason I find skinny old men to be slightly more gross than non-skinny old men. I think it's something about how even though they're skinny there's still drooping skin. Boggles the mind.

Depends on whether or not I have to be facing my, uh, partner in crime.

I'll say Roth because my anger at being forced into such a choice may be ameliorated by watching douchebags get disemboweled.

Brad Pitt. He can bring Angie with him if he likes.

Ooo. That's a toughie. I'm gonna cheat and say I'd like him to recreate the Chappelle's show "Samuel Jackson Ale" commercial.
"mmm-MMMM, motherfucker!"

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at September 22, 2008 11:56 AM

- Wernham Hogg definitely because I'm infatuated with both Martin Freeman and Lucy Davis. Ricky Gervais would be the best boss, I'd be all like "Oh David! I lost the document!" and Gervais would be all "That's alright Renee, because we just like having you around!"

- DeNiro because the mole on his face would constantly distract me from anything else going on.

- After Ghost World I found Buscemi mildly attractive until I re-watched Mr. Deeds so I'm going to have to go with the typical female answer and say Cusack, as long as we can talk for a really long time afterwards

- Dane Cook's because inevitably I'd get to watch Waiting and that's one of my favorite movies.

- Can't I just watch Clooney and Pitt bang each other? It should be common knowledge that they already are, so I'd prefer to just have a cup of coffee and share a hookah pipe with McDormand while watching.

- I'd like to do a Make-A-Wish foundation thing where Samuel L has to hang around me for a week and everytime someone speaks to me he has to say "Say WHAT, one more time motherfucker?". This includes college professors.

Posted by: Renee at September 22, 2008 12:05 PM

Renee, the Make-A-Wish Foundation thing is a great idea except for one small detail: you have to die of a horrible disease shortly thereafter.

Posted by: jeem at September 22, 2008 12:09 PM

I have to go with DeNiro, Clooney, Buscemi, and a write in vote for "Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense enough to disregard its own feces."

DeNiro by default. I have this image of Pacino in a musical based on Scarface doing Clapton's Cocaine.

Yeah, I skipped a question. I refuse to believe that Dane Cook or Eli Roth exist, even for the purpose of your little party game. Find a happy place, find a happy place.......

Posted by: slower lower at September 22, 2008 12:21 PM

8. Michael Scott. I already work with a very similar sort, so better the devil you know....

5. Eh, toss a coin. They're pretty much the same person in my mind.

4. Oh, I find it hard to believe there's such a thing as bad sex with Cusack. I'm willing to take that chance.

3. Like Estelle, I have to go with Dane Cook just because I can't do torture porn.

2. No contest--Clooney. He doesn't take life too seriously; you've got to love that.

1. Hmm, not much of a Sam Jackson afficionado, but option (c) sounds like it'd be worth a giggle.

Posted by: meaux at September 22, 2008 12:46 PM

DeNiro, because Pacino scares me.

Buscemi. Put a bag over his head, a gag in his mouth and he's John Cusack!

Dane Cook's movies...begrudgingly.

Brad Pitt. George is a delicious vintage, but I've always had a weakness for Brad. Blame it on the hair.

Holly Hunter. She's cool!

The booty line. Just because there's a sex theme going on already.

Posted by: Brie at September 22, 2008 12:49 PM

Holly Hunter

Because she probably knows all sorts of truck-stop tricks.

"You know me. It's my duty to please that booty."

Because this is my standard closer material at 2:00 am at the bar. Just ask AM, woot!

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at September 22, 2008 12:50 PM

I think I'd have to ask Sam which wallet is his. "It's the one that says Bad Muthafucka, Muthafucka!"
The dual mofo's make it choice.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 22, 2008 12:52 PM

5. De Niro: He's in better shape. Okay, he's TALLER. Oh hell.

4. Buscemi: An ex-fireman. Good with hoses.

3. Check your email, dude.

2. Brad Pitt because Clooney wouldn't shut up during the entire thing.

1. Samuel L. Jackson: All of the above.

Posted by: agent bedhead at September 22, 2008 12:55 PM

8. Wernham Hogg Paper Company. For the Pounds. And when Brent goes all "Brent" on me, I can pretend I don't understand his funny accent.

5. Is this even a question? DeNiro, King of the Counter-swirl.

4. Cusack. For the bragging rights.

3. Dane Cook. Because Roth is torture porn, and Cook is merely torture.

2. Pitt. The Clooney Head Bobble is beginning to get troubling, and I can't get my groove on with a guy who looking like he's having a seizure.

1. Sam should say whatever he said in "Deep Blue Sea: before the shark at him. And then a shark should eat him.

Posted by: ciji at September 22, 2008 1:29 PM

1. n/a, never been to either office.
2. n/a
3. n/a
4. ummm ............................... Cook.
5. McDormand
6. Second Optimus' nomination, that's always been my fave. Made me laugh out loud in the theater (when no one else did, the muthafuckin' losers).

Posted by: bucdaddy at September 22, 2008 1:33 PM

8. Dunder Mifflin. I would fight everyone off for a piece of Jim.

5. Pacino, hands down

4. Buscemi. As much as I love me some Say Anything-era Cusak, I've got to go with the great sex. He'd give it to me from behind, so I wouldn't have to look at him.

3. Cook's. Can't handle torture-porn, and I can just space out on bad comedies.

2. George Clooney. And Holly Hunter. Yum Sandwich!

1. AK-47. Have to. BTW - good Sam Jackson movie: Cleaner. Premiered at the Toronto Film Fest last year and I haven't seen it again, but it was AWESOMENESS. Ed Harris & Eva Mendes also in it, and the kid from Akeelah & the Bee. Find it. Watch it. Love it.

Posted by: Pea at September 22, 2008 1:38 PM

I'd like Samuel Jackson to ask me "How do you like my beer?!!"

Posted by: Amanda47 at September 22, 2008 1:49 PM

I have to go with Jackie Brown. Best Tarantino movie.

Posted by: Lucas at September 22, 2008 1:56 PM

8. I would work at Dunder Mifflin for several reasons. I know where the file of Mr. A. Knife is located and Angela works there.

5. DeNiro because Pacino annoys me a little. Or a lot.

4. Buscemi all the way. He would be gentle.

3. Dane Cook's becuase I am squeamish and also because I would enjoy the whimsical Dan In Real Life. Oh the joys of bus trips!

2. Holly Hunter fo sure.

1. I will show my Jackie Brown love. All would be amazing, but that would be the cherry on my cake.

Posted by: Demon WaterPolo at September 22, 2008 2:59 PM

Genny - you say you have been to Scranton...have you been to Slough?

It isn't even the sixth circle of hell - that would at least be entertaining from a pain perspective - and warm.

Slough is....Slough is and that is the most positive thing I can think of to say about it.

Posted by: Killa at September 22, 2008 3:47 PM

Yippee!

1. Dunder Mifflin-because Michael Scott seems a bit less cruel. (Anyone remember when David Brent pretended to fire Lucy Davis as a joke? Cock.)

2. DeNiro. Because Pacino screams and bugs his eyes out waaaaay to much for my comfort. I can forgive ugly for DeNiro's mellow smoothness.

3. Ugly also becomes irrelevant (for me, anyway) when it comes to amazing sex. I have sexified many a pretty-yet-sexually-incompetent man only to regret it each time with the fire of a thousand suns. And Buscemi's a former firefighter! Everyone knows firefighter=hotness, even if its not always, um... aesthetic.

4. Clooney. As mentioned before, I dig mellow smoothness.

5. Continuing the theme, "It's my duty to please that booty."

Posted by: ShinyKate at September 22, 2008 3:50 PM

to=too.

Crap.

Posted by: ShinyKate at September 22, 2008 3:52 PM

Double crap!

Dane Cook over Eli Roth. Because I just can't do torture movies.

OK, stopping now.

Posted by: shinyKate at September 22, 2008 3:54 PM

Still recovering from last night's Emmys and Wineys fest, but here we go.

8. Oh, probably David Brent. I've only watched the UK version a couple of times, but any of that would be better than Michael Scott.

5. Pacino. He's a righteous dude.

4. damn. Lousy with Cusack I guess. Steve Buscemi is too scary and I'd never even sit very close to him.

3. Eli Roth. Cook's elicits an explosion of rage from me just from looking at his douchey face.

2. George Clooney, hands down. Never found Pitt attractive, to be honest.

1. #3.

Posted by: figgy at September 22, 2008 4:52 PM

Jeems, I'll just have my dad magically cure my disease afterwards ala Family Guy

Posted by: Renee at September 22, 2008 5:40 PM

8. Dunder Miflin - because I love the Schrute and want to collect Schrute bucks.
5. DeNiro - Pacino killed all good will I had towards him with that sequel to "Meet the Parents".
4. Cusack
3. Eli Roth - because after watching more than 5 minutes of Dane Cook, I resemble something from the Exorcist and will have to go on a murderous rampage, starting with the bastard himself, Dane "M-Fing Untalented and Not F-ing funny" Cook.

I truly hate the man. I don't think you people understand the depths of my hatred for Dane Cook. He sullies all that is good and awesome about standup with his verbal diarrhea and his "Look at me, I'm so awesome", wanna be Tucker Max bullshit.

Besides, Eli Roth put Bourdain in one of his movies, so he gets a half of a cool point with me.

2. Clooney - Angie has ruined Brad Pitt. Now he wants to save things and adopt children from all over the world. Blah. I hate humanity far too much to spend time with someone like that.

1. #1, because it is true people.

Posted by: Melody at September 22, 2008 5:46 PM

If the choice is between McDormand and Hunter then then the fair choice isn't Pitt or Clooney it's Brad Dourif, Lance Henricksen or Steve Buscemi. Of if you want to keep Clooney and Pitt then it better be Charlize Theron vs. Diane Kruger vs. Rosario Dawson.

Posted by: OscarTamerz at September 22, 2008 7:49 PM

8. Dunder Mifflin - British People frighten me.

5. Deniro - He has been the hotness in so many gangster movies. Plus he loves the sistas. And those "Meet the Parents" movies never happened. I know you made that shit up.

4. Cusack. I love Buscemi but I have this thing about teeth. (Issues, party of one, please) So that was the deal breaker for me.

3. Unfortunately I cannot stomach gore even if it's fake. So I choose Cook. Unless death is an option.

2. Clooney. He and I go way back. I watched him on freaking "Facts of Life". Pluse I have never really found Brad attractive. I prefer Angelina to him.

1.For Mr Jackson?

"Say WHAT, one more time motherfucker"

I need him to shadow me for one day at work. I would give him the signal and he would just say that to people for me.

Posted by: greer at September 22, 2008 8:02 PM

8. No idea. Wernham Hogg sounds cooler, so I'll go with that.
5. Pacino.
4. Buscemi with the lights on.
3. I would ask Eli Roth to make a movie starring Dane Cook as the victim, and you're damn right I would pay to see that. Barring that possibility, I'll go with Roth, and then I'll just imagine that it's Dane Cook being tortured. And Joe Francis.
2. Brad Pitt (Hey, what about the gays & lesbians? Are they suddenly second-class Pajibans?)
1. booty

Posted by: Elfrieda at September 23, 2008 2:46 AM

Buscemi. Actually I would pick him even if I could have the same quality sex with Cusack. I've never found him that attractive.

Gah. Except High Fidelity Cusack.

And Samuel L. Jackson...I'd like to hear him talking about the "titties coming around the corner" in The Long Kiss Goodnight

Posted by: eliza at September 24, 2008 12:49 AM