Pajiba

Two people thus far have accused us (me) of non-professionalism.

I'm about to scamper over to that thread and rubberneck; but first, I gotta ask: How do these dryfucks find this place? And having found it, what compels them to post observations like this? Do they really think we're all gonna go, "Oh, holy Jesus! Look at what we're doing! Why, we're going to clean up our act right now! Thank you, citizen, thank you for showing us the way!"

punfucking gobslobberers
If we weren't both already married, I would totally marry you.

Whenever I ask myself, "Why, oh why can't Hollywood produce good films featuring black people?" Then I learn that the latest Tyler Perry shitstorm made $20 million in its opening weekend and I realize that the answer to my question is, simply, we don't fucking deserve it.

"Horton Becomes a Terrorist?"

I'd PAY to see that.

I think this recent season of Project Runway taught us that sometimes Professionalism can be the opposite of interesting.

Thank you, Jerce for filling that gaping hole in my morning.

Fucking race mixers!

Just as I watch Jon Stewart as he anchors the daily news in opposition to all the other so-called "news" out there, I look to Pajiba to give me the real low-down on books, and movies and television...and, just as with Jon, I've rarely--actually, can't think of a time--been led astray by the op-eds here...

So, fer what it's worth, thanks...

Can anyone in this fucking place tell me why is it a problem when a TP movie makes a shit load of money? but you fuckers never have a problem when a piece of shit like Drillbit or any other shitty comedy makes money. I shall await your convoluted reply.

Obama O8

Pookie, to which shitty comedy that made money but us fuckers never had a problem with do you refer? Something like 27 Dresses, maybe? That was a piece of shit comedy for sure. God, if only a lone outlaw had mustered the guts to speak out against its cinematic poetry! If only the comments had been spattered with negative opinions or complaints of some kind!

Or maybe you were specifically referring only to Drillbit Taylor? Did you mean the comments for that movie, where people said that Apatow's movies could make you rectally combust, and where Apatow was called a hack, or he and his entire 'crew' were called dickheads and compared to an enema? Oh yeah, us fuckers collectively loved that movie. Pretty much the best thing anyone said about it was "meh".

I liked it on Saturday when you were being all reasonable. Or was that just something you ate?

No one is really saying it's a problem Pookiedookums. It's just that his attempts are so THIN that there isn't a reason they should be making so much money. I just want him to try a little harder. It seems to me that most of his movies are the same groups of people in the same situations over and over again, but sometimes, a 225 drag-queen shows up to give somebody a few "Oh no you di-ints" and the occasional "mmmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmmm sugar!."

And all shitty movies will make money most of the time. After all...everyone loves a good kick to the balls on a 20 X 60 screen.

Uh... Pookie, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that that's sarcasm. It is, right?

Have you read any of the reviews for "Drillbit", or LTCG's flick? "The Hottie & The Nottie" maybe? Did you? You might wanna go back and check, 'cause as far as I remember, we "fuckers" shredded those films considerably worse than Perry's flick...

A shitty movie is a shitty movie, regardless of race. The thing that's nice about Pajibans is that we're equal opportunity offenders... If you dig Tyler Perry flicks, swell. I'd rather have a belt-sander taken to the end of my weiner than watch one, though.

Been away...too long. Almost can't...stand...the bitchiness. Must...re-desensitize...immediately.

Ahhhh, that's better. In reference to the Tyler Perry flame-war thread, anyone who feels like questioning someone's racial background based on that person having a white mother might want to google "One-Drop Rule." This was something that was accepted as law until the late 1960s, and is still accepted in theory today. Basically it means that if a person (in America) has as least "one drop" of African-American blood in his or her body, then they shall be labeled as African-American. Pretty damn ass-backwards, I know, but it was how they rolled back then.

On another note, I haven't been to the movies in a dog's age. Nothing seems worth my while or my $10 these days.

Kolby--I was just about ready to second your statement about not seeing a movie in ages because nothing seems worth it. But then I remembered that I saw "Horton" last week. And honestly, I quite liked it. But I was already biased as it's my fave Dr.Suess story.

Anyhoo--regarding the labeling of races. Being a person of undetermined heritage (my mother being a bastard child and all) I have always held that you are whatever the fuck you want to call yourself.

Point taken Skittimus, my point is that TP's movies seems to bring out a raw visceral reaction that's not found in most other reviews. It is as though TP commited a brutal crime when in fact the only thing he's done is maybe made a movie that wasn't agreeable to everyone.

If we're sticking with the alliterative theme, then I vote for Horton Humps His Hookers.

Or, to go with both alliterative AND terrorist themes... Horton Holds a Hostage.

OK, clearly I did not get enough sleep last night.

I will be singing about werewolves for the rest of the day, thank you.
jM You have just invited Mr. Zevon to take up residence in my mind for the rest of the day

(sorry if this came as a double post)

Julie:

"Too far."

Hi, I'm the guy with the hostage joke, remember? No such thing.

Then of course, there's the stoner comedy for the whole family - "Horton Hits the Hookah"

It's okay Skittimus, I enjoy the banter. But you are correct.

"How many of you young ladies would let Jonah Hill into Pharaoh's Tomb? Does a good sense of humor get a guy that far?"

My roommates and I just talked about this last night, and 2 out of 5 (including me) said they would hook up with Jonah Hill, hands down. If you're funny enough, it really doesn't matter what you look like. (Also, one said they would let McLovin touch their fun parts, which to me is just disgusting.)

We shouldn't forget, though, that Jonah Hill was also in Strange Wilderness, which I personally think negates any and all goodwill he earned in Superbad.

Some Guy - didn't we have an argument about something lame once upon a time?

"Randomly in public?" Some Guy, stop being deliberately obtuse. You're obviously looking for an argument AGAIN, which is idiotic. You read reviews at an obviously, blatantly liberal website, and then get upset when they brandish their liberal leanings? Spare me. You don't get to pick what viewpoints you read here. If you disagree, fine. Let's have some discourse. But no one here is attacking you "in public", you dummy. No one here KNOWS YOU.

But don't try to play the "I'm the only rational voice" bullshit, because YOU'RE the one who wrote "Because of his spotty voting record and the the fact that he is the most liberal voting senator in congress? That'll sure unite the country! Can't wait! Never mind the fact that Obama hides behind his race everyday and in no way has done anything or will ever do anything to change that. The day he and everyone else stops referring to him as an "african-american," which he isn't, is the day that the man really makes changes in race in america. Obama falls into the same category as Halle Berry, who, when accepting her oscar, proudly proclaimed it to be a crowning achievment for african american women everywhere. That was right before they cut to the shot of her white mother sitting in the audience", one of the most offensive and obnoxious comments I've read in a long time.

You're ALSO the one who accused the reviewers of essentially giving Obama written fellatio for no valid reason".

So don't try to accuse people of dumping their opinions on you "in public". YOU came HERE, not the other way around. Don't try to play the voice of reason when you're the one setting the fire. And don't waste our time with your inflammatory criticisms of Obama. You know most people are going to disagree with you, so why bother with it?

To sum up: You don't get to be an obnoxious, inflammatory, insulting jerk and then try to pretend like you're the victim here. Not happening, bub.

"Punfucking gobslobberers." Snork.

Every time I get fed up with this site and try to walk away from it, it's quality snark like that that pulls me right back in.

Good one, Dustin!

Dear Some Guy,

Honestly, I don't think I'll ever get why some people seem to be of the opinion that the publisher and/or writers of this site are beholden to anyone or anything besides themselves in how, why, or when they choose to express whatever random opinions on any subject happen to pop into their heads.

It's been said many times before, but it seriously bears repeating: None of us pay for the services rendered here by Dustin or any one of his staff. Since Dustin pays the hosting fees I would think that, should it happen to strike his fancy to begin posting nothing but diatribes on how the lyrics of ABBA foretell the future, not one of us would have a goddamn right in the world to stop him, and would be stepping pretty far out of bounds to complain about how he chooses to run this road show of his. Of course, one of the many benefits we selfish bastard malcontents reap around here is Dustin's seemingly infinite tolerance of people stepping pretty far out of bounds to complain about everything.

Also, please pause, rewind and read what TK said again, only pay closer attention this time. If you've been reading the content of this site for more than about six minutes, unless you're mentally delayed you should have a pretty clear notion of which way the political wind blows around here. If you don't cotton to this site's particular breed of nonsense, I assure you the internet's full of the kind which would seem to suit you better.

You have three options, really. You can move along like a myopic worker bee until you find a colony of drones just like you, or you can wail and cry like a petulant child about how it's so goddamn awful that everyone else is not just like you, or you can dig deep and find the inner strength to experience a small taste of the infinitely varied opinions in this great wide world of ours. I assure you, none of these options will kill you.

Also, liquor helps. With everything, really.

Love and Goldfish crackers,
Sarina

Yeah, I don't find Jonah Hill particularly funny. He slowed every scene he was in in Walk Hard to a grinding halt.

He did do pretty well on SNL, though.

Just one question:

I thought our unofficial mascot was the WhiskeyBabyNinjaStar! Or is that our official mascot?

Posted by: Nicole at March 24, 2008 12:58 PM

I always thought that we prayed to the Godtopus and that WhiskeyBabyNinjaStar was our mascot. I hope that's right, or else I'll need to do some re-arranging of my shrines.

Hee hee...neither do I Jerce, I think I just excluded myself.

Julie:

Wow! As the agent provocatrice of so many digressions into blue-rated talk on this site, we now find that you consider us all gender-neutral.
Are you really Morrissey under a nom de web?

And while I have you here, how do you feel when people refer to "How Soon is Now" as "the theme from Charmed"?

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for bringing down the professionalism quotient on this site. When I write my reviews, I get all these feelings and emotions and ideas, and I express them. And, that's just not right. It's mostly the fault of my parents and friends, who laugh at me and tell me I'm funny. I believe their lies, and it bleeds all over the serious journalism of this serious website and the Bitchy Snorks for Vaginas that it supports.

I would also like to apologize for causing all that cancer. It was me. I'm sorry. I was just on a roll.

I will work harder to uphold the serious and strong journalistic ethic put forward by most of my brethren in the entertainment industry. I studied under Mark McGrath and Joey Fatone at the University of Phoenix Entertainment Journalism and Internet Marketing program. I should know better.

Here is my review for next week's Hangover Theatre, Without a Paddle:

Raft Trip Planned, Mischief Ensues

There were actors in this movie. They did stuff. Some people probably thought it was funny. Then the movie was over.

With your help, I'll be able to learn from my mistakes. I'm new and impressionable. Also, I'm going into rehab. With your help, I will get stronger.

Joined with the Taco Baby at the Right Tentacle of the Godtupus,
Brian Prisco

Feramones: Ha!

I like to give them withering looks that make them recoil in terror. Then I snatch their tainted souls and send them back to the Godtopus for redistrbution to more worthy beings.

It is, however, exponentially worse to think of it not as the theme to Charmed, but to retort that "Charmed like, totally stole it from The Craft"?

Dustin- this Round-Up was the funniest thing I have read in days. Really nice work, my good man.
What the fuck is Shutter? I'm a goddamn reviewer of movies, and I've never heard of it. Who's in it? Joshua Jackson?! Get the fuck outta here? Didn't that guy die on the set of Skulls? Who else was in it? Racheal Taylor? Who the hell is that? What was the movie even about? Photographs of ghosts? I don't get it. Did the photographs kill people?
(GBR makes snorty noises at her desk and spits out little fragments of chicken salad on her screen.)
Paddy and TK- I am a huge fan of articulate and rational counterpoints, particularly when served cold to ignoramuses. Thanks for writing so well what I couldn't even form into a coherent thought.

And no- Jonah Hill doesn't earn a pity grope. He's a #1 contender for the "I value your friendship too much" speech. He seems a little smug. And how old is that kid anyhow?

And while I have you here, how do you feel when people refer to "How Soon is Now" as "the theme from Charmed"?

Wait, what?

Has that phrase been uttered somewhere?

And is it the original or the unnecessary cover by Love Spit Love for "The Craft"?

And what the hell's it ever had to do with witches anyway? Why I'd almost have the urge to drink, drink, drink and be ill, but Julie mentioning the genitalia of a Ken doll makes me hear Alan Rickman's Metatron in my head, and that improves things.

I'm not entirely sure here, but doesn't Brian's "Joined with the Taco Baby at the Right Tentacle of the Godtupus" officially qualify Pajiba for cult status?

I'm only asking 'cause this weekend I'm doing my taxes and I'd like to know if "cult-member" qualifies me for any additional benefits...

Jay:

I recently (as a favour to a neighbour) gave a lift to three teenage girls. I happened to have a Smith's CD in the car and when How Soon Is Now came on, they said "awesome! theme from Charmed". Then one of them said, "it's really cool that you have that: I thought just young people watched Charmed". When I asked them if they had ever heard of The Smiths, they stared at my blankly.
The fact that I didn't dump them out on the side of the road is a testament to my fortitude, but since then as I have recounted the story to others I have learned that many people, even those my age believe that this song is "the theme from Charmed".
Come the revolution.....

That is why you have been put on this earth Paddy, to give knowledge to impressionable teenagers.

My 16 year-old cousin told me yesterday that she not only downloaded the Once soundtrack for her iPod, but that one of her favorite movies from this year was No Country for Old Men. I was so proud.

Then we bonded over how fucking charming James Marsden was in Enchanted. Heh.

I have too much fucking fun over here to get bogged down by the likes of That Guy. If you don't like it, roll out. My real life is full of bullshit; this here is my fun time. Quit pissing in my cornflakes.

May the WhiskeyBabyNinjaStar watch over us and the Godtopus bless all we Pajibans, amen.

Seriously, Elizabeth, he was so adorable and misguided that I almost broke my face from smiling so wide.

And I totally typed bork instead of broke, and now I'm happily basking in images of the Swedish Chef.

Aaaahhh! The Swedish Chef! Now I am so happy.

And I really need to see Enchanted - even if it means watching it all alone while Mr. Kolby makes love to the NCAA Tournament in the bedroom.

Also, does anyone else get seriously antsy at 3 pm? Every day I pray to the Godtopus that I can make it to 5 without hurting myself or one of my co-workers.

"Also, does anyone else get seriously antsy at 3 pm?"

3pm is the magic hour when my boredom shifts from regular-style to destructive mode, and I start building wee trebuchets out of random stuff on my desk and launching things across my office.

Coincidentally, it's about that time of afternoon when people generally stop wandering in here to bug me with dumb stuff.

Obviously PissBoy gets antsy around 3:00 as well.

I tend to get homicidey around 4:15. That's when "Guy In The Office Next Door Who Uses His Speakerphone With The Door Open So Much He Should Just Fuck The Goddamned Receiver And Get It Over With" becomes the #1 target of my rage.

...err...12 things then.

I think you must be thinking of a different America. This one is all about Nascar, pickup trucks, Hannah Montana, flags, dog fighting rings, and school shootings.

My America is full of football, taking the subway, Liz Lemon, fuzzy bunnies, and well...shootings. But I live in West Philly.

And the only animal violence I condone involves Gonzo and Camilla in a lovers' quarrel.

Hey BoyPiss, should we be commenting on Abijap: Pleasant Reviews for Happy People? I don't know what the hell this place is, but yeesh!

My America is about nachos made with Velveeta and chopped up Slim Jims, foxy boxing, Franklin Mint numbered-series statuettes of a bald eagle kneeling before Jesus, purple Ford Escalades with spinner hubcaps, dressing like Chuck Norris, and my Mama's crocheted afghans.

I don't know where you people are hanging your hats. Fucking socialists.

All I know is that Mr. Kolby and I are headed to the mall after work to pick him out a new pair of jeans, and I'm going to get a pretzel! Yes, I'm that excited about a pretzel. Screw you, it's Monday, and I'm hungry.

Oh, and screw Chuck Norris. Charles Bronson's the only Action Charles worth a damn.

"My America is full of football, taking the subway, Liz Lemon, fuzzy bunnies, and well...shootings. But I live in West Philly."

Hmm. My America is full of football, taking the El and 95, Jimmy Rollins, Preston & Steve, and...shootings. But I live in Northeast Philly. I wonder if the slogan "Philadelphia! The City That Gives You Skyrocketing Murder Statistics!" will take off...

I've always wondered if that Dead Milkmen song "The Big Sleazy" was an accurate representation of the sorry state of Philadelphia radio.

Ooh, Jay, don't make me throw a snowball at you :)

I only have an iPod Shuffle, Nicole, so I can't. My birthday is in 3 weeks and my sister hinted at getting me a big girl iPod, so we'll see after the 13th. :)

If I had a job it would be part time of course, and the hours would be from 8a.m.-12p.m. And I would get antsy around tenish.

Great round-up, Dustin, every bit as professional as we've come to expect and love from our Pajibastaff.

However, I've been greatly enjoying our weekly dose of the Best Of (Worst Of?) The Eloquents--will you be resurrecting that in any form?

YAY!

::waves hand::

I was the second person who was merely HINTING that going "'Yay! Obama! Yay!' (not quoting myself exactly) ... wasn't the most professional thing in the world," and apparently, I made offence, even though it was just aiming more towards constructive criticism than DEMANDING that you are inferior to all until you write the way I PREFER YOU TO WRITE.

I wrote that because, regularly, I visit sites of film critics who write for magazines, places like Slant and eFilmcritic/Hollywood Bitchslap, and I used to visit Mr. Cranky all the time, too, until the guy worried that Don Imus's getting sacked was some sort of bad precedent for freedom of speech (Um...no..). I found this site through a random ad on there, saw your (royal "your") Narnia review, and I've been reading this site the most out of all ever since. I've realized that, ever since Some Guy complained, I can sort of see from his perspective; maybe inserting political views is NOT IDEAL (I can't say "not agree," because I know I'm so extremely biased now that you went Bush-bashing in a review, I'd be all for it -- yay for partisanship :D) -- at the most, it's off-topic; otherwise, it's possibly defensible. I mean, Tyler Perry sucking has little to do with Obama, but I didn't care at all until he grumbled, and then, I thought "MAYBE he had a point," but then, he started pulling the old unsubstantiated conservative canard of "most liberal" BS everyone had to endure when Kerry was running.

I guess what I want to say is: Given how so many OTHER critics mostly avoid going as far as pulling for one primary candidate, but are usually not above jabs at already-elected officials like the President (proven undoubtedly to be lousy), while...

1) Ebert wouldn't make such comments in his reviews (at least, I haven't found such, yet); not to say you should be like Ebert, but he does write for the Chicago Sun-Times, a wide audience, proof that that you can critique without talking about anything beyond film;

2) I imagine many college professors would look down on writing one's political opinions in the middle of a film review..... I bring them up because professors tend to be guardians of formality, as far as standard writing goes.. right? (Not that I know what the hell I'm talking about) I bring that up because, as an English major, I know if I went on some rant bashing Ann Coulter in an essay having to do with Jane Eyre or the Canterbury Tales, my teacher's gonna go "WTF?" in the form of really hard-hitting critical remarks in red ink, and a nice, low grade, too, likely, all over my paper;

...Is there any OTHER reason to put political opinions in a film review other than "it's my site -- deal with it"? I mean, you can do better than that. I'm not trying to change you -- I just want a decent explanation for having political commentary in a film review, and I'm not incapable of handling things as they are, seeing as how I'vw managed to deal for almost two years now, like Some Guy. Look at Fox News -- their whole modus operandi is based on the conservative opinion that, somehow, mainstream media is somehow BIASED against them; so, when they bash Democrats left and right without any sort of moral restraint, when Hannity pretty much implies or outright says on a nightly basis that anyone Left of him is evil, racist scum who will defend Osama bin Laden, and will let the terrorists take over upon regaining political dominance, is somehow restoring "balance," while the most volatile thing any network would do is Dan Rather trying to prove with documents that Bush didn't go to Vietnam (far less over-the-line than Ann Coulter wishing that McVeigh had bombed the New York Times building or that Justice Anthony Kennedy would die so that the Supreme Court would be conservative)...well?

If you can write in political opinions just 'cause you CAN, why is it bad when Fox News can be filled with over-the-top bigots giving misleading info in the name of "fair and balanced"? They CAN do that if they want to, just change the channel if you don't like it! -- EVERYONE likes hearing that, right? For the most part, no one should expect a film review site to get more hits or ratings than CNN, to the point where it'd influence people into voting "FOUR MORE YEARS!" for an idiot who ruined two countries with horribly-planned military campaigns (one of which really should never have happened), tried to dictate how a man should end hospice care for his incurably mental vegetable wife, and pretty much letting New Orleans crumble to the ground, among other offenses...

... so I'm just asking on principle, extreme example notwithstanding, I guess... What're the pros of injecting political opinion into a film review? I get the feeling that it's just THERE, despite whatever political bent one has; but if one's gonna defend it with "I can do it just 'cause I can," then that's just lazy thinking.

And I'm not a "dryfuck," I wasn't being rude, and I'm not trying to make permanent changes upon anybody, I was just making a random remark. If you're that thin-skinned about someone conceding only PARTLY to the opposition, what makes you better than Perry fans who'll call me a self-hating black woman for not liking his shitty movies? There's just too much irony to bear when some people would hate the Pitchfork Media mentality, but when one person makes a random dissenting remark, anyway, people will get like the Borg on him (her, in my case :P). Calm the fuck down, don't bash me for no reason, I'm not your enemy, and I don't think lowly of anyone here: I just like a serious, thoughtful answer to my question.

(For the record, I used to think that both candidates sucked, that it would've been better to get a governor of a red state, like the governor of Virginia or somebody, to avoid alienating swing voters and seal the deal on the White House with little problems, because it doesn't seem like regular people really accept any aspect of leftism anymore in this country, but that wasn't gonna happen; and Obama's the best bet now, since too much of the country hates Clinton too damn much, and she's guilty of NEPOTISM (we already know her through her husband -- let's get someone NEW), which tops LACK OF EXPERIENCE for negative quality in a candidate any day. We had the Lack of Experience™ candidate who eventually won on that -- Jimmy Carter. People hate him for whatever, but he's a good man :3)

Jay...Philly radio is in a sad state for a couple reasons, but it has nothing to do with hippies on MMR. They are the oldest single format rock station in the country (40 years this April...NICOLE!! MMR-BQ????) and have amazing on-air talent. YSP was ruined by not being able to nail down a format (rock, classic rock, oldies, rap, rap rock?) and then they switched to all talk. now they are back to rock but are totally obnoxious because they are getting creamed in the ratings by EVERYONE. XPN was MURDERED by college students and folksters alike. I can listen to that station now for about an hour a week before i get annoyed. (20 attempts...3 mins per attempt)...but MMR is the shit and has always been the shit. The only time they had troubles getting their foot out of their own ass was in the early 90's when John Dabella was having a nervous breakdown as a result of Howard Stern openly antagonizing him on-air because Philly was the last market for Howard to conquer.

"If you can write in political opinions just 'cause you CAN, why is it bad when Fox News can be filled with over-the-top bigots giving misleading info in the name of "fair and balanced"?"

Really Linda Binda??? If you can't see the difference between Fox News and Pajiba reviews I can't be bothered with your brand of idiocy. Explaining it to you would take far too long...so I suggest you just stick with Fox News and stay far away from Pajiba.