March 24, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | March 24, 2008 |


5. 10,000 B.C., (Weekend: $8.6 million; Total: $76 million): In explaining the casting process for 10,000 B.C. and the decision to go with unknown actors, Roland Emmerich once explained, “”If like, Jake Gyllenhaal turned up in a movie like this, everybody would be, ‘What’s that?’” I love the irony — given the preposterous mess of a film it turned out to be, if Gyllenhaal had been in the movie, that’d have been the only thing audiences could’ve wrapped their head around.

4. Drillbit Taylor, (Weekend: $10.2 million): Though the $10 million take wasn’t as poor as the opening of Walk Hard, the performance of Drillbit shows there are definitely some cracks opening in the ole’ Apatow facade. Actually, given the success of Superbad, 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up and the relatively mediocre to poor box-office or Nielson reception of everything else that Apatow been closely involved in, perhaps the common thread isn’t Apatow. Maybe it’s Jonah Hill. Did any of you ever stop to consider that? Huh? Huh? You know what else Jonah Hill is in? This week’s number one box-office moneymaker, that’s what. I think we have a box-office golden child on our hands, maybe the next Burt Reynolds, only shorter, and heavier, and a little more Jewish. I always thought he was the funniest of the Apatow bunch, too. Out of curiosity, show of hands: How many of you young ladies would let Jonah Hill into Pharaoh’s Tomb? Does a good sense of humor get a guy that far?

3. Shutter, (Weekend: $10.7 million): What the fuck is Shutter? I’m a goddamn reviewer of movies, and I’ve never heard of it. Who’s in it? Joshua Jackson?! Get the fuck outta here? Didn’t that guy die on the set of Skulls? Who else was in it? Racheal Taylor? Who the hell is that? What was the movie even about? Photographs of ghosts? I don’t get it. Did the photographs kill people? Or were the ghosts just hanging around holding up rabbit ears? You know what’d be cool? If the ghosts got some of those Glamour shots. Remember those? Back in the 90s, like, every girl under the age of 17 got those — teenage mall rats jumped on a Slip N’ Slide of pancake makeup and landed in a tub of hairspray and then got trap-doored onto a stool and were told to wear a funny hat and say cheese. I had about 15 of those in my wallet by the time I graduated. Glamour Shots: Good times.

2. Meet the Browns, (Weekend: $20 million): Tyler Perry continued his streak of successful opening weekends, this one falling in line with the $21 million opening of his last film, Why Did I Get Married? Here’s an interesting note: Perry is now working on a film based on Barack Obama’s relationship with his wife, Michelle. It will be called, For the Love of You and it’s about “a man’s love for his woman.” He hopes to get Denzel Washington and Angela Basset to play the leads. I’m not making this up. I don’t know if Obama has any control over whether the movie gets made, but I hope to God Denzel doesn’t get involved in a goddamn movie that’d no doubt feature a cross-dressing, saggy-boobed Tyler Perry as Hillary Clinton. And you know what never gets old? Black men in dresses.

And in Can’t Please Everyone News, as expected when a Tyler Perry movie is involved, a small flame war has erupted in the comment thread: Did y’all know, for instance, that neither Halle Berry nor Barack Obama are real African-Americans by virtue of their white mothers and grandmothers? It’s in a comment thread, and therefore must be true. As always, I have no problem with the exchange of opinions in the comment section, even those with which I vehemently disagree. However, one thing has caught in my craw: Two people thus far have accused us (me) of non-professionalism. To those people I simply say: No shit. When you typed in the URL and it included a word that sounded like vagina, the tagline had “bitchy” in it, and there was a movie review with the headline, “Douchenozzle! Fuck-Knuckle! Fight! Fight! Fight!” on the first page, why didn’t you get a clue then? We have a column dedicated to drinking movies and hangover movies; does that smack of professionalism to you? This site was created in opposition to those professional punfucking gobslobberers (made up word!); we have absolutely no pretentions of professionalism. You wanna accuse us (me) of being hacks, that’s cool; but for the love of God, don’t expect us to be professional. A Godtopus is our unofficial mascot, for fuck’s sake.

1. Horton Hears a Who, (Weekend: $25 million; Total: $86 million): Who has actually seen this movie and didn’t like it? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought. It’s not a bad little movie, is it? And it’s making a fortune, which means — of course — that they’ll probably keep making sequels to Horton until they do screw it up royally. I mean, there’s already source material for one sequel (Horton Hatches an Egg) and there’s no telling what else Horton can do: Build a car, fly an airplane, join a stampede and stomp on a child, or blow up an open air market in, Horton Becomes a Terrorist.

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Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | March 24, 2008 | Comments ()




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