5. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: How much better would this movie had been if it were instead called, Indiana Jones and the Search for the Krystal Burger? ‘Cause those Krystal Burgers are tiny, and the restaurants are hard to find, especially if you’re baked. For those unfamiliar to what I’m referring, Krystal is kind of like the hillbilly version of White Castle — a chain mostly in the Southeastern United States. In fact, who knows how close we were to Cletus and Bubba Jr. Go to Krystal? Only instead of smoking bud, the boys from Appalachia probably would’ve been high on crystal meth, searched for more in a mobile home park, and instead of Neil Patrick Harris, that part likely would’ve gone to Willie Aames.
4. You Don’t Mess with the Zohan: Here’s a sad fucking fact: Aside from Munich, Zohan is the only other studio film in the last 50 years to feature an Israeli protagonist. Want more fun facts: Zohan is based on actual people: The Arbib brothers, former Israeli soldiers who are currently hair stylist. I wonder if the Arbib brothers also like to make the sexy time with elderly women after they style and cut their hair? Note, also, that Zohan wasn’t the worst movie that Judd Apatow has ever written (he co-wrote); that honor belongs to, and will always belong to: Celtic Pride, which he co-wrote with Colin Quinn. Good fucking God, that was awful. Meanwhile, one of the other co-writers of Zohan was Robert Smigel, who is also the creative force behind Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who would probably say of Zohan: “I’d poop on your movie, but I wouldn’t want to offend my shit by associating it with your film. Instead, I will pay a VD-infested, crack-whore rodent to POOP on your stupid movie.”
3. The Happening: You know what? I’m beginning to think this was all part of Yahweh’s master plan for punishing M. Night Shyamalan for being such an insufferable ass: Allow him greatness right out of the gate, and then watch his precipitous fall into cinematic squalor. It hurts so much more when you’ve had a taste of the top, doesn’t it, M? Well, suck on bitter the defeat, ass-taste. Take yourself and that massive ego of yours, and shove it up your pee-hole. How’s that for a twist ending, bag lunch?
2. Kung Fu Panda: You’ve come a long way from this, Jack Black:
On a slightly related note, has anyone else been under a decades-long misconception that Huey Lewis and the News sang, “Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting”? No? Just me, then? Well, that’s embarrassing.
1. The Incredible Hulk: Thrill-kill, kill-thrill bad ass. Looking at the Summer of 2008 so far, I count two legitimately good blockbusters — Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk — and both come from Marvel Studios.
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In fact, I give it two weeks before Slate writes this article: “Is Marvel Studios the next Pixar?” And given their short-track record so far, and the way they actually weave in their characters (subtle, small cameos), building toward the “team,” I think Marvel can be the next Pixar if they continue to spend as much time on their scripts as they do the action sequences, and continue to hire action heroes with legitimate, Oscar-worthy acting ability. Granted, I’m not suggesting that The Incredible Hulk was anyway nearly as good as Iron Man and I, in fact, agree with John’s review, but the same attitude that permeated Iron Man existed in The Incredible Hulk, and shitty CGI Jolly Green Giant Hulk or not, I appreciated that attitude. Now, let the casting rumors for Captain America begin (last I heard, Leonardo DiCaprio was the frontrunner).
We're Getting a Team Together
The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Box Office Round-Ups | June 16, 2008 | Comments ()