This Is an Environment of Welcoming, and You Should Just Get the Hell Outta Here
The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Box Office Round-Ups | June 23, 2008 | Comments (93)
Before we jump into this weekend’s box-office numbers, a note to let our readers know that we’re kicking off another Classics Week, starting today. This time, we’ll be focusing on some of our favorites from the 1970s. And, given the sheer number of classics from that decade, you can be assured that we’ll miss several of your favorites. My advice: Suck it up and deal. Do you have any idea how hard it was for each of us to choose one movie from the 1970s to review? It’s like buying one child a new bicycle and throwing the other over the Golden Gate. It’s not like the Aughts, where we’d be struggling to find 10-12 movies worth reviewing; we’re talking about the height of Scorsese, Coppolla, Nicholson, DeNiro, and Woody Allen’s careers, just to name a few. So, if we missed your favorite, don’t worry — in due time, we’ll cycle back around to the 1970s again, and next time, we’ll make sure to cover Kentucky Fried Movie for you, you ungrateful bastards. However, unlike previous Classic Weeks, we’re going to keep the round-ups going over the next few days, so that our 22-year-old readers with no appreciation for a decent goddamn movie before The Usual Suspects can stay involved. That’s how much we love all of you, except for Pookie, of course — who apparently ate B-Slim and keeps burping up his remains in our comments section.
Moving on:
5. The Happening ($10 million; $50 million): God bless Roger Ebert; I don’t mean to be insensitive, but I wonder if his recent health ills have not gotten to his brain, as he was the stand-out critic in support of the otherwise critically reviled, The Happening, writing: “It is no doubt too thoughtful for the summer action season, but I appreciate the quietly realistic way Shyamalan finds to tell a story about the possible death of man. … What I admire about The Happening is that its pace and substance allowed me to examine such thoughts, and to ask how I might respond to a wake-up call from nature.” Might I suggest simply buying a Prius and doing some heavy recycling, Roger? You’re being entirely too contemplative: It’s a movie about killer bushes, man. Now, I fear that your review, alone, has emboldened Shyamalan to direct again, and given the diminishing returns we’re getting from the man, I’m afraid his next movie may be about a man-eating landfill (… actually, maybe Troma films could look into that). Do you want that on your conscience, Roger?
4. The Love Guru ($14 million): Hahahahaha hahahaahahahahaha. I want to thank mainstream America for finally standing up to the bully taunts of Mike Meyers: Despite round-the-clock advertising, endless talk show appearances, and even disgustingly self-important appearance on “Iconoclasts,” along with Deepak Chopra, American audiences, by and large, rejected The Love Guru. In fact, I’d like to think that the few people who did show up to see it did so out of their adoration for Jessica Alba’s ass, which is infinitely more witty and entertaining than Mike Meyers has become.
3. The Incredible Hulk ($21 million; $96 million): A lot of folks keep harping over the fact that The Incredible Hulk actually had a smaller opening than Ang Lee’s Hulk did in 2003. Well, obviously, the bad taste left in (most) theatergoer’s mouth after The Hulk hurt the opening of The Incredible Hulk, but the first Hulk movie eventually topped out at $137 million — once people actually started watching it, word of mouth killed it. However, after two weeks, The Incredible Hulk seems more or less guaranteed to surpass its predecessor, so there. Marvel Studios rules. The end. Now, if you want to keep us pleased, Marvel, squash those Leonardo DiCaprio as Captain America rumors and do us all a favor: Cast Nathon Fillion. Or wait … since I’m not a comic-book aficionado, allow me to ask this: How well would Jason Bateman fit into the Marvel Universe, possibly as Captain America? No? Well, while we’re at it: Who should be cast, ultimately, as Wasp in The Avengers?
2. Kung Fu Panda ($21 million; $155 million): Motherfucking mediocre kids’ films and their goddamn ability to stay in the top five for weeks on end, forcing me to come up with something to say about it that I haven’t already. Well, fuck you, Kung Fu Panda. Just wait until next week, when Wall-E strangles the ever-loving life out of your cute little karate-kicking panda. Wall-E will destroy you — he will violate you with his tiny robot appendage and make you wish you’d never dared to hang around in the top five for three goddamn weeks. He will make you wish you were Twinkie filling, hidden safely from danger by a delicious, spongy yellow cake made from alien chemicals. So, suck on that, Jack Black.
1. Get Smart ($39 million): For the few of you who saw Get Smart and actually felt that you couldn’t get enough of the two techies in the film, Lloyd (Nate Torrence, who most of you know from every commercial ever made) and Bruce (“Heroes” Masi Oka), you may be thrilled to learn that the two have a direct-to-DVD sequel to Get Smart coming out in 8 days. Yeah. Get Smart’s Bruce and Lloyd Out of Control sounds like the sort of promotional DVD you might find in a cereal box, but you can pre-order it now for $25 at Amazon. Patrick Warburton and Larry Miller, who had cameos in Get Smart will also appear in Out of Control, which looks so bad that the trailer hasn’t even been uploaded onto YouTube yet (I’ve seen it; trust me, it looks horrible). And since it has neither Steve Carrell, Anne Hathaway, or most importantly to many of you, The Rock, I can’t imagine any reason you’d want to see it.
I’m sure we’ll review it in any respect, because we hate ourselves.
Meanwhile, good for Carrell and the gang for extracting more box-office receipts out of their movie than it deserved, but — as my review suggested — I’m as indifferent about the box-office performance as I was about the movie. Good for them, now bring on Angelina Jolie and the curving bullets, bitches.
Stick around folks, Classics Week officially kicks off today at 11 a.m. EST.
Comments
Posted by: BWeaves at June 23, 2008 8:52 AM
"5. The Happening . . . It's a movie about killer bushes, man. "
I thought that movie was called "Teeth."