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January 2, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | January 2, 2009 |

Here is a look back at the top 15 films of the year — if you were a kid’s movie, or based on a comic book, you’re probably among the top 15 grossers. And, as we look back, here are some of the best comments from each review thread.

15. Wanted ($134 million): Jeez. It’s summertime, people. Are y’all not getting laid or something? Or, uh, don’t have regular access to porn to get some of the stress out? It’s a movie. An action movie. A summertime, action movie, with a bit of Angelina Jolie ass thrown in for good measure (well, for me, at least). Chill.

I love both Angelina and McAvoy, and if this movie doesn’t make McAvoy a bigger star, then I don’t know what will. Gotta love the little scrappy Scots.

Also, hearing Morgan Freeman say “motherfucker” makes me wish he was in “Snakes on a Plane”. Even just for one motherfucking second so I could hear him say “motherfucking” and “snakes” in the same sentence. Maybe he’ll call Bruce Wayne a motherfucker in “The Dark Knight”. Fingers crossed! — em

14. The Incredible Hulk ($134.5 million): I’d put this on par with Spiderman 2 in terms of superhero movies, which is high praise indeed. — MaryWoo

Don’t say that…I’ll never go watch it then.

MaryWoo…even as we speak, highly specialized microbots shaped like squirrels are riding the web-wave, searching for your address. Once they find you sitting at your computer, they’ll proceed to eat your eyeballs, and then chitter a lot and self-destruct in your kitchen sink. Your offense will not go unpunished. — Shadows of Dakaron

13. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince of Caspian ($141 million): Trumpkin looks a lot like the Norseman mascot from Freaks & Geeks. Noticing the resemblance killed the movie for me, as I spent much of the remaining time wishing that I was at a F & G movie instead.

How funky is your chicken? How loose is your goose? — Nana

12. Mamma Mia! ($143 million): This movie made me want to kill myself. It sucked all of the fun out of my soul, and I simply existed as an empty shell of a man for the next 24 hours until a late-night showing of Dark Knight breathed life back into me.

Seriously, it was so bad that it almost made me, as a gay man, question my sexuality. I went for the camp and left empty-handed. Any straight man who is forced by his significant other to sit through this hot mess deserves head when he gets home. A LOT of head.

For any of you who hate yourselves and decide to go ahead and see this movie, I pray that you have the 100 bucks to plop down on a massive Coke Zero. God knows you’re going to need the caffeine to stay awake.

Guck. — Shane

11. Sex and the City ($152 million): Not to gripe, but what man can’t find an asshole? True other orifices are harder to locate in the heat of the moment, but most men (as memory serves) seem to consider the anus the holy grail of sex and head right for it.

Apart from that, thank you for finally supporting my assertion that these women were not liberated spirits. I stopped watching before the series ended, but the very fact that Carrie ended up with Big shows that the entire message was “hang on to a rich man no matter how badly he treats you. — PaddyDog

10. Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who ($154 million): Just out of curiousity here, but for any Seussamophobes out there - has anybody seen/read “Hooray for Diffendorfer Day”?

It’s not a “classic” in any sense of the word, but… kay, names are gonna escape me here - the guy that illustrated “The True story of the Three Little Pigs (as told by A. Wolf)”, as well as… “Stinky Cheese Man” and… uh… I think his name’s Layne somethingorother… anyhow, he did a book - a book Seuss never saw through to publication - and based on the preliminary sketches and what have you, he completed it (with approval, of course)…

Anyhoow - It’s a great friggin’ story, and a great illustrative work, and should any Seussopuszombies not have this in their collection, it’s worth checking out…

(As is my above-mentioned animated adult film - “Whorton Hears a Ho” - in sleazy theaters nationwide - ages 18 and up - please cum dressed in character) — Skitz

9. Quantum of Solace ($164 million): “I can’t find the stationery” I’ll start saying that to every pretty woman I meet just to see if it’s some sort of mind control sex activation code. Most ridiculous come on ever. — Salubri

8. Twilight ($169 million): look dude! you’re absolutely and utterly full of shit!
the movie was awesome and millions of people (not just teenage girls) have seen it and loved it! As for you and many IDIOT LOSER men who hate this movie, my guess is that u guyz are all losers who don’t have the ability to comprehend any movie that doesn’t star Steven Segul or Will Ferrell!

so my advice is: next time you wanna review a movie, make a habit of actually WATCHING it instead of stalking teen girls, checking out their clothes, or eavesdropping on their convo.


7. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa ($175 million): Madagascar Escape 2 Africa it is hot and coolest ever I have just saw the movie. After been waited so long to see it those penguins really can fly. Adventures movie with lot of enthusiasm inside. Melman, King Julien, Maurice, Moto Moto and Zuba are the correctors I loved most. Unbelievable animation work they look real saw the movie at with lot of interest surely it be a biggest ever animation. — Spambot

SpamBot, I must confess that was not your best work. I’m pretty disappointed. — TK

TK, don’t be so hard on SpamBot. I mean, the line “are the correctors I loved the most” was pretty awesome. Also “surely it be a biggest ever animation” was a nice attempt at conversation. He’s trying to relate to all of us here on Pajiba! He’s just a lonely little SpamBot trying to find his place in this world. Give ‘em a break, eh? — tt_marie

6. Kung Fu Panda ($215 million): My wife and I share the same feeling toward Jack Black as you, Agent Bedhead.

In fact, my wife hit it on the head the other night when she said that her favorite Jack Black role was in “Day of the Jackal”. Or, as she so lovingly put it, “the one where he gets his arm blown off”. — UncleJR

5. Wall-E ($223 million): I mean honestly - will Pixar ever royally fuck things up? Cars came closest, but even that film was just fine. The question with every subsequent Pixar film has shifted from “How good is it?” to “How much better than the other Pixar films is it?” — Ben

Cars is the absolute bottom of the Pixar barrel, except that barrel has wings and is soaring above the clouds in the radiant sunshine while all the other animated crap below on the ground can only stare wistfully at the sky, humming “I Believe I Can Fly.” (Sure, you can, guys. Sure you can). — Mick J

4. Hancock ($227 million): (After a huge, angry, cranky shitstorm broke out between nadine and the rest of the commenters)

Someone hasn’t raped a panda today. — jM

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull ($317 million): Huh. I just can’t bring myself to care about Indiana Jones and the Movie About a Guy That’s Older Than You Want to Remember, By Guys Who Don’t Care About You or Your Memories at All, With the Guy Who Has No Disconcernable Personality, and a Cool Lady.
Also known as: WOO! Green screen! — TWoP Fan

2. Iron Man ($318 million): What is that thing Robert Downey, Jr. does? All in the span of one shot, he a) delivers a line that sounds witty but poignant, then he b) rewords it without the wittiness, and then all of a sudden c) his eyes get red and his voice breaks just that much and d) and then BOOM, he’s back to normal! One shot! Cut!

After A, we laugh. After B, we shut up. At C, we feel ashamed for ever laughing and hold our breath, tense. At D, we relax and fall backwards, mouths agape, completely emotionally drained by those tense seconds few seconds. — Ling

1. The Dark Knight ($530 million): So, uh. Was I the only one who found the Joker to be incredibly fucking sexy? Does that make me a bad person? — Lise

It probably doesn’t make you a bad person, but it might make you sorta twisted and sick. But no, you’re not alone. I wanted to dry hump the Joker’s leg through pretty much the whole movie. To the point that my roommate actually got annoyed and told me to stop squirming in my seat. — Lauren

The Yearly Box Office Round-Up / The Eloquents

Box Office Round-Ups | January 2, 2009 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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