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January 2, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | January 2, 2009 |

Publisher’s Note: As I was going through each review to compile the above yearly box-office round-up, I couldn’t help but notice that, with the exception of one movie, Pookie had left a comment in the thread for each of the 15 top grossers. Now, don’t get me wrong. When Pookie began appearing in the comments well over a year ago, I thought he was a loathsome troll (and, after saying as much, was rightfully taken to task by the Eloquents). But that’s because I didn’t understand Pookie. His comments don’t make a lot of sense in the context of movie reviews, but if you read enough for a long enough period of time and string them together in the right order, the big picture starts comes into place. So, here’s the yearly box-office round-up again, this time with only Pookie’s comments. I think, after reading through these, we’ll all have a better measure of the man. And, in 2009, that’s what I want most of all: To understand Pookie better.

15. Wanted ($134 million): I was secretly hoping that this movie would be a success, oh not because of Freeman or McAvoy whom I both adore dearly. But because it would prove that all you sons of bitches would so easily bow down and kiss the anorexic ass of Angelina Jolie. I have held my tongue long enough, I can no longer turn a blind eye to the hypocrisy that goes on in this polluted blog and in Hollywood. I have tried to enjoy this simple fare that this blog has served, but like Hollywood it is empty.

14. The Incredible Hulk ($134.5 million):

Pookie: Hey lady you need some money?
Lady: Yes, but I’m not going to do anything to get it.
Pookie: Well then you don’t want no money lady.
Lady: Get away from my you creep.
Pookie: Listen lady, I’m trying to be a good guy and help you out. But if you’re going to be a cunt, well then I’m going to take my money somewhere else and help those that want help.
Lady: Ok ok, I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to get caught up in any kinda mess.
Pookie: So then, do you need some money?
Lady: Yes I do, can you help me?
Pookie: Yes, but you have to go with me somewhere.
Lady: Where?
Pookie: Shut up and get in the car!
Lady: Ok.

13. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince of Caspian ($141 million): The main reason that movies like this and Henry Potter are made is because the Conservative Christians are in a ideological war with the homosexual left. This war began with the Teletubbies and the Conservative Right’s hunt for anything gay. I never got on the Chronicles of Narnia Boat, not because I’m not gay, but because I just didn’t like the franchise. If gay Hollywood is to survive, it must not take it up the backside from the evil Right.

12. Mamma Mia! ($143 million): Steven this is a movie review site, please don’t bring your filth and debauchery to the shores of pajiba. Look elsewhere in your hunt for cunt, all of the ladies here are not interested in your perversion. You are a very disrespectful person.

11. Sex and the City ($152 million): Dear ladies, I’m looking for a woman to date. She must be attractive and sexy. She must have a house with a pool and a dependable car ( preferable late model). I’m between jobs, and she must be able to help me out when she can. I lost my driving license last year, so she must be willing to drive me to my ex’s house so I can see my kids once a month, and to AA on Mon/Wed/fri, and on those days she must be able to provide me with cigarette money. I want only a lady that can be loyal. I’m not looking for one of those feminist, I want a lady that knows her place, but is career minded. Oh, and she must not be a plus size lady. Serious enquires only.

10. Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who ($154 million): Why would I spend $11.50 on a cartoon when I could just as easily spend it on a $10.00 crack whore and a schaefer.

9. Quantum of Solace ($164 million): I heard that there was another Jason Bourne movie in the works, the plot revolves around Bourne becoming a minister. The title is tentatively called “Bourne Again.”

8. Twilight ($169 million): Sometimes I like to write about my emotions irregardless of the stated topic. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my position in the universe. On Friday I had a deep philosophical discussion with this guy that works for me, I told him I’m a big picture type of guy. My worker on occasion brings me down to his level and it totally fucks up my day, I don’t need to think about bullshit. The fucking guy just don’t understand what I’m trying to accomplish mentally. I told this fucking guy when I’m reading please don’t stand over my shoulder because it totally fucks with me, and I can’t be myself because I like to digest the shit I’m reading and I need a clear path to let my thoughts run free. And now that Christmas in coming he’s going to want a big bonus which I don’t mind paying, I give all of my guys bonuses, but this one fucking guy fucks with me so bad I’m starting to think he does it on purpose. I pay my guys real good, and I’ve taken them on vacation several times. Even when I had a girlfriend I would take all of my guys and their girlfriends on vacation. Maybe I should let this guy go out on his own so he will understand where I’m coming from.

7. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa ($175 million): Null.

6. Kung Fu Panda ($215 million): I saw this Friday and was so disappointed with it’s dual message of bestiality and messianic worship. Though the technology was first rate and the voice over work was by Black and company was superb, it still left me with a feeling of uneasiness.

5. Wall-E ($223 million): Pixar has made some neat movies in the past, I’m going to enjoy the lovable WAll-E.

4. Hancock ($227 million): Mr. Stephens I want to personally thank you for helping me get laid tonight, not that I need help in that department mind you. But with the high price of gas I can only drive my van so far in my unending search for ass. I showed this older lady whom I’ve been trying to seduce for some now that I’m a movie columnist for pajiba, and that my columnist screen name is “Pookie.” After she saw you mention my name in your review of “Hancock” she was good to go and let’s just say we wore the shocks out on my van. For all of you that want to know, no, I did not have to use other measures to get her in my van this time and yes, I did practice safe sex.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull ($317 million): Old Iguana, how dare you come on here and impugn and Kennedy name on this of all days? Just because a person likes to tap some hot ass on occasion, doesn’t make them sexual deviants. I had this young Mexican bitch who liked for me to dress up like a Immigration Officer and chase her around our apartment while she was naked, demanding that she show me her green card. That’s not being a sexual deviant, that’s just how we got down. Be careful about labeling people, Old Iguana.

2. Iron Man ($318 million): Good review Rowles, in a word the movie was awesome. I can’t wait for the sequel, oh, and when I saw Samuel Jackson at the end my nipples got hard.

1. The Dark Knight ($530 million): I know everyone is out enjoying Batmania, and since it’s Friday night and some people are out looking for dates and things of that nature I’ll be brief. I just have a friendly reminder, listen ladies if you sign up as a member of a dating site and you state that you are looking for a man. Don’t get mad if a man send you some tastefully done erotic portraits of himself. A lot of you ladies get all mad and want to get the guy kicked off the site. You shouldn’t go to the extreme, he’s just looking for a nice lady like you that enjoys discreet pleasures …

… The reason why I wrote my last comment is because I met this lady tonight on a blind date, I’m sitting at the bar and she walks up to me and we start talking. She goes on and on about her friends telling her she looks like Julia Roberts, so she puts me on the spot and ask me does she look like Julia Roberts? and I say I don’t remember Julia Roberts having a mustache. She gets all upset and storms out of the place, and left me by myself. WTF! I’m giving it to a bitch raw, it’s 2008.

The Yearly Box Office Round-Up / Pookie

Box Office Round-Ups | January 2, 2009 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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