June 2, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | June 2, 2008 |


5. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian ($13 million; $115 million): Here’s what I hate about the summer — after months of trailers and hype, I actually allow myself to get excited about the summer offerings. But here it is, June 2nd, and the release schedule — at least everywhere but Los Angeles and New York City — is down to one or two options per week. For people like myself, who actually love going to the theater multiple times a week, we’re left with little choice but to see Iron Man again or suffer through a blah film like Narnia just to quench our Fandango addictions. And look at next week: If you are one of the millions who don’t care for Adam Sandler flicks (Don’t Mess with the Zohan) or have no interest in seeing a cartoon (Kung Fu Panda), you’re either going to have to force yourself to watch SaTC or, worse, spend time with your loved ones. That’s no kind of choice.

4. Iron Man ($14 million; $276 million): For those of you who care about such things, Entertainment Weekly’s box-office predictions before the summer began put Iron Man at 5th for the summer, with around $262 million (it seems almost certain to pull close to $350 million before its box-office run ends), while they predicted that Prince Caspian would be the summer’s No. 2 blockbuster, with around $310 million. Ummm: Haaaha.

3. The Strangers ($20 million): The Strangers actually managed to best box-office expectations, and for those of us who still can’t let go of “Felicity” six years since it went off the air (and no, sadly, Season One does not make it onto our Best 15 seasons), it’s good to see another of its ensemble do well. Keri Russell has a nice movie career going, Scott Foley is outstanding in “The Unit,” and Greg Grunberg goes wherever J.J. Abrams tells him to go. Not at all interested in watching “What about Brian?”, it’s Amanda Foreman I miss the most these days, since Richard (Rob Benedict) keeps showing up randomly in movies I never expect him to be in, and it looks like he’s set to be in the sequel for Waiting ….

What? There’s a sequel to Waiting …? There is indeed; it’s called Still Waiting … , and the good news is that Justin Long returns, and the even better news is that Dane Cook does not. The crushing news, however, is that Ryan Reynolds isn’t in it. How the hell did this manage to slip under the radar here?

2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull ($46 million; $216 million): Spoiler:

******

Aliens? Really? 20 years and the best you can come up with is fucking Aliens? You can blame George Lucas if you’d like, folks, but it’s Spielberg who has the alien obsession — I don’t know why they didn’t just call the goddamn movie, Indiana Jones and the Extra Terrestrial. And can someone tell me why all of Spielberg’s aliens look alike — little green men with big heads. Have we really not come any further than Marvin the fucking Martian? This is an insult to aliens, goddamnit.

*****

End Spoiler

1. Sex and the City ($56 million): Although SaTC unexpectedly took the top spot from Indy IV over the weekend, a closer look at the numbers reveals the true story: The movie made $27 million on Friday, and $10 million on Sunday. A sign that a movie has box-office legs are numbers that increase over the weekend; the damn movie made half its weekend total on Friday alone. However, that is doing absolutely nothing to stop the planning of a sequel, though there is flat-out nothing — nothing — left to do with these characters that hasn’t already been done several times over. My modest suggestion for the sequel? Two things: 1) Vampire-zombie hybrids; and 2) robot cocks. Better still: Vampire-zombie hybrids with robot cocks.

Still, I suppose the most depressing detail here is that SaTC now has the highest-grossing weekend for a female-driven comedy of all time. Even if you were a fan of the movie, that’s got to be a disappointing statistic, just for what it represents (though no more depressing than the fact that Titanic is the highest grossing film of all time). Whatever. I’ll just leave you with this final thought:

Robot cock.

waitingmovie.jpg

"There Are Few Things in This World More Unsettling than Going in the Back to Grab Some Condiments and Ending Up Staring at a Huge, Steaming Pile of Cock"

The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | June 2, 2008 | Comments ()



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