We like to take a lot of digs here at Middle America because, well, let’s be honest: It’s worthless, flyover soil full of potatoes, tobacco and obese people who spend too much time in Wal-Mart and not enough time on a treadmill. Also, they’re all still on dial-up, so they just spent 17 minutes downloading this page only to be insulted. But you know what’s worse than Middle America? Los fucking Angeles. What a mockery of the human condition that city is. I’ve spent the better half of the last week in L.A. (in fact, I’m writing this while flying over the corn-fed bumpkins in the rest of the country), and I’ve come to a few conclusions about the city. First, everything you could possibly need or want (except a soul, of course) resides within the city limits of L.A. but it will still take you anywhere from half an hour to 16 hours to get there, depending on the traffic. Second, one of the most beautiful views in this country is the one overlooking L.A. from the Hollywood Hills, that is — of course — assuming you can see through the smog, but it is singularly destroyed by a giant iPod billboard you can see from fucking space. Third: There are three types of people in L.A. 1) Creative people from other parts of the country, many of whom still possess trace amounts of the person they used to be (it makes up what’s called their “personality,” something noticeably absent in the other types of of L.A. inhabitants); 2) People who grew up in L.A. or have lived there for so long that they have forgotten what life is like in the parts of the country that pay their fucking salary, many of whom are actually very nice and somewhat intelligent — there’s a limit, of course, since books are seldom used for anything other than camp accessories for their homes (ooooh, a book! It’s so cute. What does it do? Where can I plug it in!). Most of these people are quite harmless, and some are even likable. Most are gaffers.
But then there is third type of L.A. person, the most unpleasant of all of America’s people. They are called hipster douchebags, and they should never be spoken to. They are vile little goblins in button-up shirts, a half-size too small, that they buy at something called a “vintage clothing shop,” which is what we in the rest of the world call the fucking Goodwill. If you’ve never been in L.A., a “hipster douchebag” is probably just a mythical creature that you’ve never actually met, but you know the type. They read Vice Magazine and unironically ironically watch “Gossip Girl” and are singularly responsible for every single one of William Hung’s album sales. Most major cities have a smattering of wannabe hipster douchebags (as do all 11th grade classes, everywhere), but the real fucking deal is in L.A. (there are lots of hipsters in NYC, but there are very few hipster douchebags — there’s quite a difference; hipsters = Pitchfork Media, The Shins, Novelty T-Shirts; Hipster Douchebags = Vice Magazine, German Speed Metal, Novelty T-shirts with the sleeves ripped off). In L.A., hipster douchebags are everywhere and they should all be shot on sight — they are icky little things who don’t even deserve to have their blood on your shoes. So, after killing one (aim for the head — they have no heart to puncture), walk clear around their corpses so as to avoid infection.
Onto to the Top Five:
5. Step Brothers ($8.9 million; $80 million): A hipster douchebag would never watch Step Brothers, because Step Brothers epitomizes frat humor, and hipster douchebags hate frat boys because frat boys want to beat the living shit out of them. Note also that fully half of hipster douchebags were once in a frat because hipster douchebags, deep down, really, really just want to fit in. You’ll notice that most frat boys and hipster douchebags have similar hairstyles, wear ironic T-shirts, and drink PBR — though there’s nothing wrong with PBR; the major difference, aesthetically, between a frat boy and a hipster douchebag is the baseball cap, shoulder size, and attitudes towards homosexuality.
4. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 ($10.7 million): The perfect douchebag hipster movie! They will ironically watch the shit out of Sisterhood and, afterwards, quote from it for weeks. Ironically, of course. (Note also: After a case of Miller Chill, they will admit that the tears they shed at the end were actual, unironic tears).
3. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor ($16 million; $70 million): Fact: Only a hipster douchebag could have an equal amount of love for both Slayer and Sum 411, Fall Out Boy and Motorhead. I can’t explain it. In either respect, hipster douchebags aren’t even aware of The Mummy because it was never advertised in Big Cheese Magazine.
2. Pineapple Express ($22 million; $40 million): Hipster douchebags loathe this movie, not because they didn’t like it, but because it confuses them in the brain. There’s too much convergence of what they like (novelty T-shirts, sporadic use of hipster lingo, James Franco in pajamas) with things they hate (mainstream success, Seth Rogen, and frattish sensibilities). Most hipster douchebags came out of the theater uncertain, checking their friends’ faces for looks of approval or disapproval. When none were given, they all implicitly agreed never to bring it up.
1. The Dark Knight ($26 million; $441 million): Likewise, Hipster Douchebags (also known as Scenesters) were torn w/r/t The Dark Knight. On the one hand, they loved it because it’s so all powerfully awesome as to knock down cultural barriers. People who strongly dislike The Dark Knight fall into one category, and one category alone: Contrarians — people who disagree with popular opinion for the sake of disagreeing. Hipster Douchebags, however, secretly loved The Dark Knight, but most will say in public that they preferred the Adam West series. Still, only 40 percent of Hipster Douchebags will actually admit watching The Dark Knight; the other 60 percent (40 percent of whom actually did see it), will argue that going to the movies is supportive of corporate entities, which used sweatshop labor to manufacture the shoes they are now wearing second-hand.
The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Box Office Round-Ups | August 11, 2008 | Comments ()