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April 7, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | April 7, 2008 |

5. The Ruins (Weekend: $7.8 million): To the surprise of California wine country and Paramount studios, it turns out there just wasn’t much of an audience for killer vines, even killer vines who do the world a favor and kill off obnoxious teens. Industry insiders speculate that the film’s ending, which differed from Scott Smith’s novel, may have been the culprit, as audiences were unsatisfied that the blahtastic pretty people in the film weren’t resurrected and killed twice over. Exit audiences were asked by studio lackeys what they thought would’ve made The Ruins more gratifying, and 84 percent of attendees suggested that they would’ve enjoyed it more if they could’ve personally strangled each and every person involved with the film with their bare hands.

4. Horton Hears a Who (Weekend: $9.1 million; Total: $131 million): After three weeks in the top five, Horton no longer hears the Who — he just doesn’t give a shit anymore. He was always partial to What, anyway, and now the motherfuckers have got him on full-time Who duty, and he’s sick to death of it. He’ll take When or Where, if he has to, he just doesn’t want to deal with Who anymore. Help a Horton out, folks.

3. Nim’s Island (Weekend: $13.3 million): These are unofficial numbers, and once the final tally has been settled, studio insiders believe that Nims might actually overtake the number two film, which is just the sort of ego trip that Abby Breslin needs. Ever since the mediocre box-office performances of Definitely, Maybe, The Ultimate Gift, and No Reservations, Breslin has been despondent, close to suicidal. She’s refused to return Dakota’s phone calls, and before the Nim’s publicity tour, she’d even grown a beard. Reports had suggested that if Nim’s didn’t pull in at least $10 million on its opening weekend, Abigal was going to quit the business and spend the next 30 years following around Cypress Hill.

2. Leatherheads (Weekend: $13.5 million): After hearing about the disappointing opening of George Clooney’s third directing effort (and the first commercial one, after Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and Good Night, and Good Luck), Nikki Rocco, head of distribution for Universal, stated flatly, “I’m disappointed for us, I’m disappointed for George. I think he’s a great guy and think he’s got tons of directing talent. I wish I could have that crystal ball and tell you what went wrong.” You don’t need a crystal ball, Nikki. I’ll tell exactly what was wrong with it: 1) It featured no talking animals, animated or otherwise; 2) it did not spoof better films; 3) there were no references to flatulence; 4) it included no black men in fat suits and dresses; and, finally, 5) it didn’t suck enough. In a world now where the top four shows on television every single week are “American Idol” and “Dancing with Stars,” as well as their results show, Clooney should know by now that a movie has to suck a lot worse than Leatherheads to pry the nation’s fat asses off their couches.

1. 21 (Weekend: $15 million; Total: $46 million): I rest my case.

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Also, there’s an online petition out right now, and word is, if it gets one million signatures, Uwe Boll will quit the movie business. Do you part, Pajibites.

And finally, because today’s round-up was lackluster and I know how to pander to our readers, here’s another killer illustration from Skittimus Maximus:


Rigor-fied Digits

The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | April 7, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.


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