July 7, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | July 7, 2008 |


5. Kung Fu Panda ($7.5 million; $193 million): As it approaches the $200 million mark, Panda stands as the year’s third biggest film, behind only Iron Man and Indy IV. And, in related news, the next two installments of the Panda trilogy have finally been set: Fu Manchu Panda and Feng Shui Panda will be filmed simultaneously and released in back-to-back years. The two films will focus on Panda’s pursuit of a love interest via the perfect moustache and their eventual cohabitation in suburbia, where Jesus Christ on a crucifix dildo will this goddamn movie just leave the top five already? If this movie is still here next week, I swear to you I’m going to detonate the Internet.

Sidenote: Given the high price of fuel these days, can we get a MurderVespa, maybe with a cute little sidecar that shoots throwing stars? We really ought to be able to kill indiscriminately while also protecting the environment.

4. Get Smart ($11 million ; $98 million): Just curious: Can anyone claim to have actually seen the short-lived television series, “Get Smart, Again!” in which Don Adam’s Maxwell Smart was the head of CONTROL and, I shit you not, Andy Dick was the star agent? I can only imagine that the show was tantamount to jumping onto a paper-cut Slip n’ Slide that dumps you in a vat of limeade or, worse, eating one of those ricockulous California Burritos described by JP as having flippin’ French fries in it.

3. Wanted ($20 million ; $90 million): You ever have one of those days where you disagree with everything that anyone says for no goddamn reason at all, and then — once you’ve clearly lost the irrational argument you’re making — you resort to a series of “fuck yous,” before storming off in a huff? That’s me, for the last seven days. A week ago, I moved into my post-Ithaca home. It’s beautiful: great neighborhood, near the ocean, lots of crawling space for lil’ Pajiba and plenty of corners I can curl into the fetal position after suffering through a Martin Lawrence film. I couldn’t ask for much more, except because of a mix-up and because Time Warner Cable clearly came out of Satan’s razor-blade infested vagina as a fully formed company, I haven’t had Internet in a week, and I won’t have it for seven more days. Sure, I can get a fix at Starbucks for a half-hour here and there, and yes: If I hold a laptop outside of one particular window in my new place and crook my neck in just such a way, I can steal some very low signal wireless from a neighbor, but if I move my hand to type, I lose the signal, so I have to move the cursor with my nose. As a result, I have a chafed nose and an old man crick in my neck. And this morning, because Starbucks wireless is also down, I’ve slapped the box-office round-up together from my car, parked outside a random house with a decent wireless connection.

So yeah: I’m cranky as fucking hell. I lash out. I start unnecessary arguments, knowing goddamn good and well I’m on the wrong side of the argument. But I persist, mostly by repeating the same bullshit reasoning over and over. I’ve become completely insufferable. I loathe myself.

It’s so fucking sad: I’ve become a real-life Pajiba troll.

Meanwhile, after two weeks, Wanted is headed toward $150 million plus, and Angelina Jolie’s biggest box-office grosser to date.

2. Wall-E ($33 million $128 million): I heard this news earlier at “”“”“”“S H I N E B O X.c o m”“”“”” where celebrities and Quakers are talking about this at forum of that site. It’s said Brendan Fraser found his perfect match there at”“”“”S HI NE BOX.c o m”“”“”

1. Hancock ($66 million; $107 million): I was actually a little surprised that Hancock pulled in over $100 million in its first five days, considering how badly it was bushwhacked by critics. But my theory is this: The negative reviews actually helped the box-office. Personally, I went and saw it based solely on Phillip’s review, specifically this line: “The second [half of the movie], encompassing a plot twist that would make Shyamalan vomit in horror, is just plain awful. Terrible. And I mean … shit-balls retarded.”

I saw the previews — it looked pretty good. It had Jason Bateman and Will Smith. I mean, really, how bad a plot twist could it have been? I had to know, and a spoiler website just wouldn’t cut it. I wanted to see this plot twist first hand, and I think at least $10 million of Hancock’s weekend gross came from people just like myself, people whose sense of curiosity was more powerful than their common sense.

“Shit-balls retarded,” indeed.

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The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | July 7, 2008 | Comments ()




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