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February 2, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | February 2, 2009 |

8. New In Town ($6.7 million): Oh, bummer: The scrapbooking, Jesus-loving, funny-talking Minnesota stereotypes apparently just didn’t connect with mass audiences, huh? I have a friend, actually, who attended this movie (voluntarily, for reasons that make no sense) with a Minnesotan. She said her Minnesotan friend sat with a scowl on her face and her arms crossed during the entire film. Those touchy Minnesotans — apparently, they just can’t accept J.K. Simmons in a fat suit.

5. Gran Torino ($8.6 million; $110 million): Still? Come on, Clint. Give up the ghost already and drop out of the top five. I’m tired of seeing you around these parts. But: Good news for Eastwood fans: This is his biggest box-office grosser as a director to date. Hell, for that matter, it’s his biggest movie thus far as an actor, too. 79-years old, and finally has a movie that crosses the $110 million barrier. And he did it without the assistance of a bunch of Oscar nominations. Good for you, old man. Savor it, buddy.

4. Hotel for Dogs ($8.7 million; $48 million): Jesus Christ: Three weeks in the top five? Damn, kids are dumb. When did toddlers stop giving a damn about character development, complex plotting, and decent performances? Goddamn kids: All they care about is popcorn entertainment. Why doesn’t little Timmy stop and think. He’s just supporting the kid’s movie industry. As long as he keeps lapping up this drivel, they’re going to keep making them, and children will never get the Brokeback Preadolescent movie they deserve. Jesus, Timmy: Grow a brain!

3. The Uninvited ($10.5 million): It looks like the Asian remake trend is finally coming to an end. We don’t need your goddamn atmospherics anymore, Asia. Take your Grudges and your Rings and your Lake Houses and leave us alone. Well, actually: Let us ruin Oldboy first. Oh, and we’ll probably want to sequilize it to death. But then we’re done with you, Asia. Done, I say. Done!

(Our review will be up this afternoon)

2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop ($14 million; $83 million): Holy shit: This is too goddamn fantastic. In last week’s round-up, I mockingly included a comment from Doughnut, who suggested that this movie would work well in a zoo. Kayanne and a few others ran with the idea of Paul Blart: Zoo Cop.Mrcreosote even suggested that “Paul Blart-Zoo Cop is probably already greenlit at this point.”

You have no idea how on the money you were, people.

This from the L.A. Times, published on Friday:

What’s less clear is when Paul Blart might save the day again. James has been developing the comedy “Zookeeper” at MGM and may soon costar in a new Sandler comedy for Sony.

“Happy Madison historically has been very reluctant to do sequels,” says a hopeful Belgrad. “But we believe there is an opportunity to make another Paul Blart movie.”

HoLee Shit: You motherfuckers are either prescient as hell, or you gave them the goddamn idea. Doughnut: I’m holding your fat ass personally responsible for this. How could you do this to us? You are a son of a bitch, and Kayanne, et. al., shame on you for encouraging it. Don’t you know Hollywood has ears everywhere? It’s like they have dumbass radar — they can smell a shitty idea 4,000 miles away, and they won’t stop at anything until they’ve capitalized on it. Damn you, Pajiba. Damn you all to hell!

1. Taken ($24.7 million): According to Ranylt’s review, it’s the people who paid money to see this movie that were Taken! Hey-O! Thank you, Gene Shalit, you dumb motherfucker. $24 million for a Statham knock-off starring Liam Neeson? That hardly seems fair, seeing as how Statham hasn’t ever had a $24 million opener. But you give it to Kinsey? Boo! Damn you all and your bad taste in action films, but your sophisticated taste in action stars. Dumb movies deserve dumb stars. Dumb stars who will kick your ass. I’m really sorry, but Neeson has never struck me as a proper action star (Darkman, notwithstanding). He’s more like someone who would will you into submission with poetry and that charming accent of his. Is it true that he attempts to affect an American accent in Taken. Well, that’s like asking Statham to forego his leg kicks. It just ain’t right. What’s the point?

The Weekly Box-Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | February 2, 2009 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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