February 4, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | February 4, 2008 |


20. How She Move (Weekend: $1.7 million; Total: $6 million): “Great review for a movie that doesn’t actually exist, yet at the same time, does. It’d be an interesting experiment to start all of them at the same time on different screens, pour a generous amount of Scotch and cue the whole fucking mess to “Dark Side of the Moon.” With Natalie Portman of course. — Skittimus Maxiums

13. Strange Wilderness (Weekend: $3 million): “I’m sorry, but “Kevin Hefferman as the drunk animal handler” sold me on seeing this flick. I feel like I fit in here less and less every day. — HallsyHatesU

“But more importantly, we all know that Bigfoot doesn’t live in Ecuador, he lives in Northern California!” — Alarmjaguar

11. Over Her Dead Body, (Weekend: $4.6 million): “Why all the big words Dustin?” — Anikitty

“Well, Dustin, some of your observations are valid. I can certainly see where you are coming from. But though some of your points are a little harsh, I believe you gave this movie the proper amount of commentary and all of the attention it deserved.” — Greer

“God, Dustin. Shut up. — Jen

6. Meet the Spartans, (Weekend: $7 million; Total: $28 million) “I saw on the news this morning that Meet the Spartans took the top weekend box office spot. My local anchor declared, ‘Meet the Spartans is this year’s Borat’. I wanted to pour my steaming bowl of oatmeal in my eyes so as not to witness the wild and terrifyingly rapid dissolution of our culture. I also wanted Sacha Baron Cohen to dick-slap that smarmy son-of-bitch talking head.” — Becca

5. Juno, (Weekend: $7 million; Total: $110 million ) (Unrelated) “It’s really fucking funny how the pretentious fuckwits around here can piss and moan about what could conceivably be the “mindless fun” of Meet the Spartans. Not that I’d find it enjoyable, spoof movies are the film equivalent of a stand-up comic who does impressions and rubs his nipples through his shirt. But, could you accuse it of being anything more than mindless? No, the pretentious fuckwits here will vehemently defend the cinematic feces that are Cloverfield and Rambo, both substantially lacking in plot and character. A mindless comedy film with no goals but to make bad jokes? Oh dear. We can’t have that when we can parade cardboard Abercrombie & Fich models around a monster-crushed Manhattan or punch people’s heads off with a steroid-fueled sexagenarian. One is mouth-breathing stupidity designed only for dullards and the simplest of juvenile minds. The other is “mindless fun.” The hypocrisy is astounding.” — Spork

“And one last bit of friendly advice Spork. With my failed comprehension of your rapier wit, I’m not sure if you’re trying to lace your comments with oodles of sarcasm and dry humor, or just come of as a giagantic anal spasm. Just want to let you know…you’re succeeding admirably at one, and failing like a stripper fails her father at the other. Can you figure out which or shall I do shadow puppets?” — Pissboy

4. 27 Dresses, (Weekend: $8 million; Total: $57 million): “Will the Pajiba 2008 Killing Spree Bus be making pick ups in Brooklyn? I’ll bring the craft brews and kosher hot dogs.” — Brian

3. The Eye, (Weekend:$13 million) “Wait a second. A body double? Seriously? Jessica Alba’s ass was the only reason I was even considering seeing this movie, since going to see a movie with Jessica Alba in it necessarily involves sitting through over an hour of her “acting”. Now you’re telling me that her ass isn’t even in it? Note to casting directors: why not just use that girl whose ass it is? She can’t possibly act any worse.” — jvon

“Anyone who told you Alba was great in Dark Angel was rendered blind by compulsive masturbation. She wasn’t any good and the show wasn’t either.” — alone in the dark

“I liked this premise better when it was a Simpson’s ‘Treehouse of Terror’ vignette and it was Snake’s hair instead of a psychic’s eye.” — TajMc

2. Hannah Montanah/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour, (Weekend: $29 million) “I was thinking of making a list of “Things I’d rather do than watch this” and then I realized that it would comprise of everything you can do without killing yourself.” — Joker

“I think people, women especially, say a movie is “cute” when it’s not really that great a movie, and it certainly didn’t make you laugh, but it has a happy ending featuring a lingering kiss. Yeah, it’s like a code.” — Kolby

1. New England Patriots (18-1) New York Giants (Super Bowl Champs): Sorry, Pats fans — but you guys had it coming. Finally, a little comeuppance. It was Angus against James Van Der Beek last night, and it was good to see the little fat kid win one for sports humanity.

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Pajiba (Bus)Ted Tour 2008

The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / The Eloquents

Box Office Round-Ups | February 4, 2008 | Comments ()




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