May 27, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | May 27, 2008 |


5. Speed Racer ($4 million; $36 million): After three weeks, y’all. After three weeks, just look at that total: $36 million! Just how bad is that? Two Martin Lawrence films (Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins and College Road Trip) this year both outgrossed Speed Racer). Prom Night outgrossed Speed Racer. Step Up 2 has grossed $20 million more than Speed Racer. And the difference between those movies and Speed Racer? They didn’t have a $250 million production and marketing budget, nor the Wachowski Brothers at the controls. Y’all remember Waterworld and what a huge fucking dud it was? Yeah, well it more than doubled Speed Racer’s box-office gross. Speed Racer may just go down as the biggest dud in cinematic history. Ishtar may have only made $15 million at the box-office, but it had only a $55 million production budget. This is, like, 5 times the stinker. Speed Racer is the directors’ version of a Gigli. And now, what do the Wachowski’s have coming up? Nothing. Nada. And I wouldn’t be too terribly surprised if it stayed that way for a while, or at least until they can beg a studio to allow them to direct a sequel to Bound on a $22 budget.

4. What Happens in Vegas ($9 million; $54 million): On a $35 million budget, Vegas has already pulled in a $20 million profit, domestically, in addition to the $60 million gross it’s made so far overseas. And you know what that means, right? Sequels! Next up, What Happens in Appalachia, wherein Ashton Kutcher drinks cheap beer, hurls racial epithets, and gains 65 percent of the popular vote, followed by What Happens in Compton, where he gets dropped in a drive-by shooting and Cameron Diaz takes all of his lottery winnings and marries a Crip.

3. Iron Man ($20 million; $252 million): A month into blockbuster season, and Iron Man remains the one to beat - it’s the only film so far that has any sort of repeat watchability, and until The Dark Knight comes along, I don’t see anything challenging it for this blockbuster season’s best movie and highest grosser (and, I suspect, The Dark Knight will fall well short in the box-office race). Everything else that could have possibly been said about Iron Man has been said now, so I’m just going to direct you over to Websters where, if you haven’t seen it yet, Robert Downey, Jr. makes one helluva Pip. As in Gladys Knight’s Pip. Pretty fucking spectacular.

2. Prince Caspian: ($23 million; $91 milion): You know what’d be a great cross-over? Narnia and Sex and the City, just for the chance to see a lion and a horse go at each other.

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull($126 million): There was a heated debate over the weekend, between those who thought Indy IV was no damn good, and those who enjoyed it, despite its many, many, many faults, and a favorite topic around these parts reared its head again: The nature of a film critic’s job. Some argued, wrong-headedly, that a film critic should simply check his or her brain at the door, which would make it awfully difficult to critique a film, don’t you think? Or, perhaps, the argument is that critics should just check their brains at the door for certain movies? So, if it really sucks, a critic should take it to task, but if it just kind of blows (Indy IV), then a critic should check his or her brain? What kind of argument is that? If you want a brain-check review, why not ask the drooling imbecile sitting next to you what he thought? I mean, come on: If a critic actually did check his or her brain at the door, then he’d be rightly slammed for being lazy. Jumpin’ Biwildebeast. It’s our job to tell you what we thought — hopefully, a critic and her readers have similar enough sensibilities that their opinions line up more often than not. If they don’t, you probably ought to find a different outlet, one specifically tailored toward those who’d rather get their film reviews from soft-brained sycophants — try Harry Knowles, for instance. In the meantime, you know how the old saying goes — eat a spiked dildo, Bernie.

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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Cheap Plastic Skull Filled with What is Clearly Balled-Up Saran Wrap

The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | May 27, 2008 | Comments ()




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