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Let’s Kick Some Names and Take Some Ass

The Weekly Box-Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | September 8, 2008 | Comments (35)

In honor of Week 1 of the NFL season (hut hut), and because this weekend’s top five films have absolutely nothing worthy of talking about (the number one film had the worst performance for a box-office leader since the weekend after 9/11), here’s my attempt to shoehorn an NFL theme into this week’s box-office round-up. Let’s be honest: It can’t be worse than my taint-mutilating original review of Bangkok Dangerous. Sometimes, when life gives you lemons, you pour the lemon juice all over your wound-sucking grundel.

5. Traitor $4.6 million; $17 million): It’s hard to say who was the traitor in the Green Bay Packer/ Bret Favre scenario (I personally think the Packers were the assholes), but like Favre, Don Cheadle elevates everything around him. Shame that everything around them sucks so incredibly fucking hard. I mean: A missed extra point damn near cost the Jets the game? Embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as playing for Miami.

4. The Dark Knight ($5.7 million; $512 million)): The Dark Knight is like the Patriots 2007 season: Best opening weekend of all time, and the fastest to get to $200, $300, $400, and $500 million, but ultimately, beaten by an inferior movie/team (Titanic/New York Giants) where it really matters. The difference: People actually like The Dark Knight.

brady.500.jpg

Oooof!

3. The House Bunny ($5.9 million; $37 million): A bunch of no-talent playboy bunnies/pretty boys, better looking than they are talented? Ocho Cinco? Matt Leinart? Joey Harrington? David Carr? How about Tony Romo? Or just a team so awful it’s hard not to laugh: The St. Louis Rams. Or the Miami Dolphins? Or, perhaps, just a lot of empty blather: John Madden? Herm Edwards?

2. Tropic Thunder ( $7.5 million): Awesome in theory, but short on execution: Last year’s Indianapolis Colts. Yeeouch. Or, starts strong out of the gate, but comes up lame? Donovan McNabb.

1. Bangkok Dangerous ($ 7.8 million): Shitty. Boring. Hard to watch. Incredibly unattractive leading man (Nic Cage) with a far more talented relative (Francis Ford Coppolla). And yet, inexplicably, still manages to come out on top: The New York Giants.


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Comments

A bunch of no-talent playboy bunnies/pretty boys, better looking than they are talented?

Romo? I'll take the bait, you Indy-loving frontrunner. 24-32/320/1/1, passer rating 103. The one pick came after suffering a lacerated chin requiring 13 stitches.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at September 8, 2008 12:41 PM

Also, I would like to "take some ass."

Wash, out.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at September 8, 2008 12:42 PM

Or, starts strong out of the gate, but comes up lame? Donovan McNabb.

:sobs: I don't care, I will take my delicious 35-3 wins when I can get them.

I was bouncing around my apartment yesterday like an asshole, I am so giddy that football is back. The world is a better place with the dulcet tones of Merrill Reese.

Posted by: Julie at September 8, 2008 12:46 PM

You know me. If I see a dead horse I have to flog it so I am forced to point out that there are so many individual posts today with a paltry few comments on each that the legendary Pajiba discourse has become completely fragmented today. Monday mornings are usually comment-heavy with lots of people trying to find a diversion from the slog through the beginning of another dreary week and yet, what have we here? Nothing. No threads to pick up on, no post active long enough for a digression to start. I am pointing this out for your own good, Pajiba.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 8, 2008 1:12 PM

Gonna have to join you on this pile, PaddyDog.

It occurs to me that it's like the difference between a house party and a party in a hotel ballroom: we used to have a party at Dustin's house and there would be an interesting conversation going on in the kitchen and another one in the living room (and Lord only knows what in the bedroom), but now it's like the little cliques that form in the ballroom and you flit from one to the next hoping to find someone interesting to engage but the energy just isn't there...

Posted by: Che Grovera at September 8, 2008 1:20 PM

I do miss the threads with 200+ comments about Julie's funbags or Skitt's archnemesis, Conrad. There's something depressing about a comment thread with only seven comments.

Posted by: Kolby at September 8, 2008 1:25 PM

Shitty. Boring. Hard to watch. Incredibly unattractive leading man (Nic Cage) with a far more talented relative (Francis Ford Coppolla). And yet, inexplicably, still manages to come out on top: The New York Giants.

Hey! We love our little Fetal Alcohol Manning. One day, he will be a real boy. Plus, we won something. That means I have a few years of getting to gloat about past glory even if we suck.
Though, I miss Tiki and that ass... and his smile... and that ass.

Posted by: jM at September 8, 2008 1:26 PM

I'm thirding on this with PaddyDog and Che. Everything is way fragmented and not at all work-friendly, too many things to click on and if my interest is not sparked by the topic I'm not gonna bother.

Posted by: TylerDFC at September 8, 2008 1:30 PM

I don't want to sound like a whiner (that's not true, I'm totally fine with sounding like a whiner), but I agree about the fragmented comments. I realize that this site isn't all about my needs (although really, it would be fantastic if it was!), but I'm having a hard time keeping track of comments I've already read, threads I want to continue reading and remembering where I posted a comment. Also, I realize this is completely my problem and not yours, but when reading at work, it's difficult to fly under the radar when you're clicking through 10-12 links instead of the usual 2 or 3.

PS: It's also much harder to stalk TK, BSlim, Skitt and socalled when there are this many headings...I'm JUST sayin'...

Posted by: Lainey at September 8, 2008 1:45 PM

Best line yesterday while watching football: (paraphrase)
He couldn't get rid of the ball with that guy coming in his face.
...contented sigh...I love football and homoeroticism...

Posted by: anikitty at September 8, 2008 2:05 PM

Did you run that picture just to hurt me? Did you?

Fucker.

Posted by: TK at September 8, 2008 3:17 PM

Did you run that picture just to hurt me?

T'hee!

Posted by: Kolby at September 8, 2008 3:28 PM

Yeah, this new format is like herding cats. Kind of hissy and scratchy and all over the place.

Posted by: Lindsey at September 8, 2008 3:39 PM

I'd make a smart-assed remark, but the Chargers blew in the final TWO SECONDS yesterday, and so I have no humor.

Posted by: Mella at September 8, 2008 3:40 PM

Awesome in theory, but short on execution: Last year's Indianapolis Colts.

What do you mean, last year's Colts, Dustin? Looks like I'm gonna have to be the one to break out the Super Bowl Shuffle...oh yeah, we're talkin' Da Bears! Fetal Alcohol's big brother, Vacant, didn't do so hot yesterday, did he?

Posted by: Che Grovera at September 8, 2008 4:09 PM

Oh yeah, football, fuckin a. All I have to say is that if the broncos win tonight (fuck the raiders) they will be top of their division. Suck it, chargers! And I don't care that it's the first week and we will ultimately suck, I just need this little taste of victory. It's been a long, cold time since elway retired.

Posted by: the_wakeful at September 8, 2008 4:32 PM

Maybe we're all just too damn hungover from yesterday's football shenanigens to bother posting.

Hell, I had to do "wedding practice" hair and makeup during the last quarter, and I HATE having hair and makeup done to me. Icky stuff... but I gotta take one for the team in a few weeks and look good for my wedding photos.

*sigh*

Posted by: Becky Tri-Tip Goddess at September 8, 2008 4:33 PM

Congratulations Becky! When exactly is the wedding?

Posted by: Julie at September 8, 2008 4:36 PM

September 27th.

Boy, am I a nervous wreck!

Posted by: Becky Tri-Tip Goddess at September 8, 2008 4:39 PM

Oh, and a long while ago there was a "favorite quote" thread in Pajiba that went for miles, and one of them that I read there I ended up using in my wedding invitations.

"There is always
some madness in love.
But there is also always some reason in madness."

It's perfect. Thanks Pajibans!!

Posted by: Becky Tri-Tip Goddess at September 8, 2008 4:42 PM

Shitty. Boring. Hard to watch. Incredibly unattractive leading man (Nic Cage) with a far more talented relative (Francis Ford Coppolla). And yet, inexplicably, still manages to come out on top: The New York Giants.

Hey Now! I believe the correct name is The Defending Super Bowl Champions New York Giants. I have no real complaints with the rest of waht you wrote - although having your QB compared to Nic Cage is disturbing.

Posted by: Brian at September 8, 2008 4:42 PM

Hee-my sister just went through the same thing in April, she was SO nervous. That's so exciting! And try not to worry, all you have to do is show up, look pretty (a given), and have a blast a the reception. :)

Posted by: Julie at September 8, 2008 4:43 PM

Maybe we're all just too damn hungover from yesterday's football shenanigens to bother posting.

No, the large number of narrow topics does indeed make a comments clusterfuck, narrow topics narrows who's reading any particular story and the comments dribble while readers either jump around between five pages or "give it up as a bad job" as the saying goes.

Not that the format wasn't adequately and thoughtfully explained. I can't say Dustin is wrong. It just is is pretty unwieldy for regular readers.

That said:

always nice to see Tom Brady getting smacked around. Too bad no one else gets to this year. More time to spend with that ugly stick monster!

And did you know that "Bangkok Dangerous" is the lowest grossing #1 movie in five years? Yow.

Posted by: Jay at September 8, 2008 5:15 PM

I was nervous before my wedding too. I found that throwing up repeatedly prior to setting foot into the ceremonial ring helped, as did removing my trousers prior to The Trial Of The Seven Skulls. You'd have had no idea that I'd never leg-wrestled a greased Samoan before... And while I may have snapped my femur, I won the respect of both the tribe and the Juju Queen.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 8, 2008 5:19 PM

Skitt, you are so fantastically warped.

And while I may have snapped my femur, I won the respect of both the tribe and the Juju Queen.

I am DYING.

Posted by: Julie at September 8, 2008 5:32 PM

Yes Becky, don't fret yourself right out of enjoying your wedding. Just roll with it. After all, you only get married for the first time once.

Posted by: Lindsey at September 8, 2008 5:32 PM

Mr. PaddyDog was so nervous before and during our wedding (a tiny ceremony with 11 guests after 8 years of living together) that I told the priest (a family friend) to stop and then asked Mr. PD "do you want to call this off, coz that would be okay if you do?". He never got a chance to answer since his mother yelled "NO!!!!!" and made the priest continue.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 8, 2008 5:34 PM

Until now this was my Favre-free zone. It was probably asking too much to hope to avoid a mention of him forever. I still can't get over the fact that he left us. No, I did not watch that game. Though I did see some little yard ape yesterday at the store wearing a Favre Jets jersey, and that was painful enough.

Posted by: shelleyh at September 8, 2008 5:34 PM

You guys are cracking me up over here. Now where am I going to find a Samoan at this late in the game? Especially in Santa Barbara...

Posted by: Becky Tri-Tip Goddess at September 8, 2008 5:41 PM

It's gotta be regional then. The only person I've ever heard say "yard ape" is Dr. Clayton Forrester.


"You know, a Razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a Cheesehead"

Posted by: Jay at September 8, 2008 5:58 PM

While I see complaints above about the new format, and I'm still kinda dubious myself, everyone please remember: It's only the first day of the first week. Maybe we'll find a rhythm.

There's already some hysterical stuff going down in the Real-Time Review column.

The only person I've ever heard say "yard ape" is Dr. Clayton Forrester.

My husband refers to Yankee white trash types as "porch apes," a term I've never heard used anywhere else. In the South "yard ape" means an unsupervised, ill-mannered child. (Imagine my surprise when I saw Clerks II.)

Posted by: Jerce at September 8, 2008 6:50 PM

It's only the first day of the first week.

No, this is week two. So obviously we've had ALL WE CAN STAND, GODDAMMIT!!!!

Posted by: Jay at September 8, 2008 6:58 PM

I am going to stick my foot in it and say that I prefer the new format. Why? The evil deathly overlords I work for would toss me out the window on my head if they caught me reading/commenting during business hours. This way I don't have to read through over 200 comments when I get home.

Your mileage may vary, people. Make it work.

Posted by: greer at September 8, 2008 7:15 PM

Not to argue, but are you saying that you want fewer comments? You don't have to read them all, of course.

Posted by: Jay at September 8, 2008 7:23 PM

We cheeseheads got dignity beat with a stick.

Posted by: shelleyh at September 8, 2008 8:11 PM