September 8, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | September 8, 2008 |


In honor of Week 1 of the NFL season (hut hut), and because this weekend’s top five films have absolutely nothing worthy of talking about (the number one film had the worst performance for a box-office leader since the weekend after 9/11), here’s my attempt to shoehorn an NFL theme into this week’s box-office round-up. Let’s be honest: It can’t be worse than my taint-mutilating original review of Bangkok Dangerous. Sometimes, when life gives you lemons, you pour the lemon juice all over your wound-sucking grundel.

5. Traitor $4.6 million; $17 million): It’s hard to say who was the traitor in the Green Bay Packer/ Bret Favre scenario (I personally think the Packers were the assholes), but like Favre, Don Cheadle elevates everything around him. Shame that everything around them sucks so incredibly fucking hard. I mean: A missed extra point damn near cost the Jets the game? Embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as playing for Miami.

4. The Dark Knight ($5.7 million; $512 million)): The Dark Knight is like the Patriots 2007 season: Best opening weekend of all time, and the fastest to get to $200, $300, $400, and $500 million, but ultimately, beaten by an inferior movie/team (Titanic/New York Giants) where it really matters. The difference: People actually like The Dark Knight.

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Oooof!

3. The House Bunny ($5.9 million; $37 million): A bunch of no-talent playboy bunnies/pretty boys, better looking than they are talented? Ocho Cinco? Matt Leinart? Joey Harrington? David Carr? How about Tony Romo? Or just a team so awful it’s hard not to laugh: The St. Louis Rams. Or the Miami Dolphins? Or, perhaps, just a lot of empty blather: John Madden? Herm Edwards?

2. Tropic Thunder ( $7.5 million): Awesome in theory, but short on execution: Last year’s Indianapolis Colts. Yeeouch. Or, starts strong out of the gate, but comes up lame? Donovan McNabb.

1. Bangkok Dangerous ($ 7.8 million): Shitty. Boring. Hard to watch. Incredibly unattractive leading man (Nic Cage) with a far more talented relative (Francis Ford Coppolla). And yet, inexplicably, still manages to come out on top: The New York Giants.

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Let's Kick Some Names and Take Some Ass

The Weekly Box-Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | September 8, 2008 | Comments ()



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