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'Jupiter Ascending 2' is Going to Be China's Fault


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Jupiter Ascending is such a bad movie that in the future it will actually be featured in museums. You know how the fossils you see in museums aren’t actually real fossils? They’re meticulously made models of the real ones, which are priceless and don’t need exposed to the threat of touching and grasping by you and your children. Oh, um, sorry if I just spoiled the lifechanging visit to the natural history museum you had last weekend. But, in the future, when DVDs are an ancient artifact, and the last specimens are cradled in environmentally controlled rooms for preservation and study? DVDs of Jupiter Ascending will be on display in the museum, since they will have no intrinsic cultural value whatsoever.

Oh, but wait! We might just end up with a sequel!

But, you say to yourself, that movie bombed, it made only $43 million domestically on a $175 million budget, despite the fact that Mila Kunis’ strangely vocal fanbase would have ensured that a movie featuring her reading James Joyce aloud for 90 minutes still make $30 million.

Never fear! The communists are here!

Jupiter Ascending opened to $23 million in China this weekend, which due to currency that makes Canuck Bucks look like bullion, is a very impressive number. That puts Jupiter Ascending over $100 million internationally, and at $150 million, it’s coming perilously close to actual profitability.

This is the greatest act of Chinese aggression to Western interests since the crossing of the Yalu. It shall not stand.

Yeah, it’ll totally stand. They own all our debt.



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