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The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / The Eloquents

Box Office Round-Ups | January 28, 2008 | Comments (180)

5. Untraceable (Weekend: $12 million). “Yum, just what I needed to start my morning, images of a dead kitten. I see Dick Cheney has decided to start a web page.” — Kamikazi Feminist

“The ex Mr TheOdd and I used to pass time in particularly boring (usually quantum physics themed) lectures by listing the five worst ways to die: a sulphuric acid bath was one of them. Also on the list: drowning in superglue (think about how it would burn), being eaten alive by underfed hamsters, being planed to death and being crushed by a steamroller - feet first. I maintain that you’d pass out through shock on the last one so it doesn’t really count but he insisted on leaving it on the list.” — Alex the Odd

4. Cloverfield (Weekend: $12 millionTotal: $64 million).”Well Spork, apparently people have these things called opinions, and they vary and even sometimes your opinion ends up in the minority and you can either shrug your shoulders and move on or get bitterly angry about it.
Of course, depending on the issue either option can be valid.

Either way I don’t give two craps about JJ Abrams. I don’t really know anything about him or recognized he was involved until after watching the movie and reading other’s responses. And yeah, I liked it.

If that means I suck Abrams cock, well at least I’m getting protein in my diet.” — Andrew831.

3. 27 Dresses (Weekend: $13 million Total: $45 million).”This post deserves its own web site.” — Monica

“Is this where sanity and rationale go to die?.” — Melody

“This is great! I mean, it’s Katherine Heigl and over 300 posts. This is what Al Gore should have won the Nobel Peace Prize for. The Internet.” — TWoP Fan

2. Rambo (Weekend: $18 million). “One thing important issue you seemed to gloss over was the ubiquitous duality of man theme. Explored in some of my favorite films, such as ‘Straw Dogs’ and less subtly in ‘Full Metal Jacket,’ a large part of ‘Rambo’ was devoted to not so much discussing the role of the killer vs. savior in each human, but rather introducing the topic to interpretation.

It was evident to me that the mirrored roles of Rambo and Michael were meant to exemplify the two ends of the human spectrum, but those lines were blurred when Michael the missionary commits the un-commitable.

The film’s most revealing scene features the pacifist who believes killing for any reason is unequivocally wrong actually kills a man, by beating his head in with a rock, then is appalled with the literal and figurative blood on his hands. Not because he just killed a human being, but because he was capable of doing so.” — Ian

1. Meet the Spartans (Weekend: $19 million). “I can’t wait to avoid this movie!” — Odnon

“A gallon of Early Times? No, no, my friend. For having to watch this cinematic equivalent of a Wal-Mart clearance rack, you deserve much much more. First, to eliminate the possibility of even hazy memories, I suggest a weeklong bath/binge in West Virginias finest ‘shine. When the PTSD has subsided to a decent level, I suggest a few bottles of Bollinger Blanc de Noirs Vieilles Vignes Francaises to ease the transition into the sobriety and knowledge of the box office receipts for Meet The Spartans.” — IggieTC


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Comments

And once again America's taste in movies has made me depressed.

Posted by: Jim at January 28, 2008 8:34 AM

Though the Eloquents are very.. well, eloquent, isn't this idea just a little lazy? Most readers come to the site to read what the site's STAFF writes, you know.

Posted by: CasKo at January 28, 2008 8:47 AM

CasKo - I think most site visitors come for the reviews, but stay for the comments. You know.

I really really really can't believe Meet The Spartans is #1 at the box office. I may have to go watch Obama's speech from Saturday again before my faith in humanity is completely destroyed.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 9:17 AM

Kolby,

Really? I am not surprised Meet the Spartans (the cinematic equivalent of a Wal-mart clearance rack. Awesome!) is number 1. I knew it would be when I saw the trailers. There may be two reasons for this: 1. there's little else in theaters these days, this being the January duldrums, after all; and 2. People are idiots and when humanity finally goes extinct, there'll be no reason to mourn our passing.

Posted by: Armando at January 28, 2008 9:23 AM

I must say Ian was reall y living up to the The Eloquents name. 2 questions though "What is on? Where can I get some?"

Posted by: Brian at January 28, 2008 9:24 AM

In a world where Delta Farce even gets made, much less opens to box office gold...I'm not surprised that Meet the Spartans did so well. I may even know a couple of the people who inflated its ridiculous numbers. If you'll excuse me....I have some gene pools that need cleansing...

CasKo...this has become a standard. The staff writers have more than their fair share of contempt and eloquently expressed hate for much of the movie-going public and their taste in movies...but in all fairness, it's one person's opinion, the person writing the review. These weekly roundups by the Eloquents is a fantastic way of bringing in fresh outlooks and viewpoints (read - new ways to express hate and contempt) to the pajiba community without forcing people to read through hundreds of comments on that movie's particular thread. And many times....they're funny as hell.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 9:28 AM

Plz let me review a movie for you. Live by the tang, die by the tang.

Posted by: Professor Science at January 28, 2008 9:28 AM

I, for one, LOVE to read the cream of the Eloquents' crop! Keep 'em coming!

Posted by: MC at January 28, 2008 9:34 AM

OK guys, but it just feels like now we're getting less staff-written columns and that's what I'm not that happy with. I mean, I do read the comment section anyway.

Posted by: CasKo at January 28, 2008 9:44 AM

God...please, God! Fuck my eyes with an electic egg beater. I did not just read that these two rectal troglodytes had a $20 million dollar opening. Goddammit. OK...I often make threats of random violence, but hear me now Pajibans. I will do it this time. I will not make the effort to travel out there because then it would be premeditated, but I know what Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer look like. If I should happen to 'run in' to them in public. I promise not to miss. I can't miss. I won't miss. Too many people will be depending on me.

This is my rifle. There are many like it but this one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my rifle and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of our enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace...and NO MORE OF THESE FUCKING MOVIES!!

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2008 9:46 AM

"The Eloquents." Sounds like a great name for a band.

Posted by: rlr260 at January 28, 2008 9:51 AM

Pissboy...I'm not condoning violence in any way....all I'm saying is...I'm sure someone here could "drop" their itinerary somewhere on the nets...maybe "accidentally" on this site...and then we could issue an all-Pajiban alert nationwide to conceal anybody connected to the "accident" afterwards.

Step 1: Find out where they live, where they'll be at any given time, and point a half-crazed true movie fan in their direction.
Step 2: ?
Step 3: Profit!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 9:54 AM

PissBoy, are you ok? You seem a little upset.

I just don't care anymore...

Posted by: joker at January 28, 2008 9:55 AM

Semper Fi, Pissboy. Semper Fi.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 9:56 AM

The "duality of man theme"... in RAMBO?

I think, perhaps, there might be some over-analysis there. Just maybe.

And... um... I think PissBoy might be on the verge of snapping. PB, I've been down that road, brother... there's nothing to be had but heartache and handcuffs.

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 9:59 AM

The "duality of man theme"... in RAMBO?

Funny how that duality only goes the one way.

Posted by: twig at January 28, 2008 10:13 AM

Wait, Meet The Spartans is a real movie? I thought it was a little spoof review when I saw it last night and was saving it for a lunch time giggle. You say it actually exists and people paid to go to see it?

PissBoy: Need someone to ride shotgun?

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 28, 2008 10:14 AM

Oh no. I'm not going to snap. I am completely calm and coherent of my surroundings. Sure...my left eye is twitching a little bit but that is understandable I would think.

I could be like Connor MacManus. PaddyDog can be Murph. We'll go around finding and eliminating the film evil. It would be exactly like Boondock Saints too. You know thses assholes get together in hoity toity downtown hotels with foreign investors (cuz they're the only one willing to invest anymore) carrying cases of cash. And then fat, wormy fuckers like Dan Fogler, yeah, I will gun them down in a spank booth. The coup de gras would be this year's untelevised oscars. I would line em up at the front of the room...every piece of shit in hollywood. Larry the Cable Guy, Uwe Boll, Sandra Effing Bullock, Brett Ratner...all of you, double tapped in the back of the dome. Then I gently take Isla Fisher or Zoey Deschanel and tell them to make sure they tell everyone exactly what they have seen. It would be a glorious circus of bloody revenge. Then people could debate the merits of my work on camera. I imagine Kolby or Shadows to be the slightly heavy afircan american fellow talking about '...sign(ing) me up. Cuz I'm ready to get busy! I'm ready to get busy.'

Goddammit. I fucking hate people. But at least I know I could rely on my fellow Pajibers as character witnesses should I ever be arrested. Or maybe claim temporary insanity. Can temporary insanity last for, like, months??

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2008 10:30 AM

Oh God, this means that those blasted spoof movies will never end! Never!

Posted by: Jenny at January 28, 2008 10:35 AM

PissBoy,

Be sure to give a heads up if you need to pass south through the state of Virginia for more, umm, "supplies". I'll be tucked away in my nice, safe slower lower cave. Perhaps I could be persuaded to run a small diversion on Route 1 by driving past DAFB at a buck twenty, just to give the Dover PD something to do. All for the greater good.

Posted by: slower lower at January 28, 2008 10:39 AM

It's really fucking funny how the pretentious fuckwits around here can piss and moan about what could conceivably be the "mindless fun" of Meet the Spartans. Not that I'd find it enjoyable, spoof movies are the film equivilent of a stand-up comic who does impressions and rubs his nipples through his shirt. But, could you accuse it of being anything more than mindless?

No, the pretentious fuckwits here will vehemently defend the cinematic feces that are Cloverfield and Rambo; both substantially lacking in plot and character. A mindless comedy film with no goals but to make bad jokes? Oh dear. We can't have that when we can parade cardboard Abercrombie & Fich models around a monster-crushed Manhattan or punch people's heads off with a steroid-fueled sexagenarian.

One is mouth-breathing stupidity designed only for dullards and the simplest of juvenile minds. The other is "mindless fun."

The hypocrisy is astounding.

Posted by: Spork at January 28, 2008 10:39 AM

What gets me is that Meet the Spartans was not screened for critics. Do the producers believe there is some segment of society stupid enough to even consider seeing that, yet intelligent enough to read movie reviews and weigh their movie-watching choices based on them?

Posted by: Todd at January 28, 2008 10:41 AM

Awww don't I get to feature in your wild killing spree PissBoy? It sounds like a fun time for the whole family and I'd hate to be left out.

In other news: I actually thought I hadn't commented on anything this week. I think I must be having the commenting equivolent of rage blackouts. I scare myself sometimes.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 10:42 AM

OK guys, but it just feels like now we're getting less staff-written columns and that's what I'm not that happy with.

Well, I think the purpose is to free up the regular columnists so they can work on more columns. And the box-office roundup does seem like a good fit for reader comments.

I haven't done an in-depth study or anything, but the site's content over the last few months does seem to have increased.

Posted by: Jerce at January 28, 2008 10:46 AM

Hey, spork - nice talk. What on EARTH is your problem? You're going about making your point in the worst possible way - by just shotgun-spraying insults around, as if we have somehow personally insulted you.

You have a point to make? Fine. Could you maybe, MAYBE, consider doing it without being completely obnoxious.? It's possible. Try it on. See if it fits, you sanctimonious son of a bitch.

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 10:49 AM

Yep, totally agree with Jerce on this one. Plus: the reviewers have already written about the movies concerned - a dry plot summary or a rehash of the review of each movie to go with the statistics doesn't really feel all that Pajiban to me. I like the variety this brings.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 10:49 AM

Wait, wait - so Pissboy imagines me to be a slightly heavy African-American fellow? Wow. I didn't realize that we could tell what one another looks like based on our comments. Well, except for TK, we all know he looks like CT in real life.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 10:50 AM

[wincing]

Kolby... every time I start to love you, you make me hate you all over again.

*sniff*

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 10:53 AM

Alex...You are Il Duce!

And Spork...wow. You must feel really neato since, obviously, at some point in the last 6 days you heard the term 'mouth-breather' for the first time. Cuz man...you are coming with some zingers here. I have an idea. Go fuck your mother with a dead cat.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2008 10:54 AM

Wait, wait - so Pissboy imagines me to be a slightly heavy African-American fellow? Wow. I didn't realize that we could tell what one another looks like based on our comments. Well, except for TK, we all know he looks like CT in real life.

I wondered the same thing too. Especially since I am a slighty heavy African-American fellow.

Okay, okay, a bit more than slightly.

What did you guys think I was, based on my comments?

Also, I am glad maturity won out, and that certain uncomfortable trends and/or so-called jokes are done with. Now, if you could please change the banner back?

Posted by: Vermillion at January 28, 2008 10:59 AM

Aw, TK, that was just a love tap.

So, where are we meeting before our killing spree? I'm assuming it'll start in LA. In-N-Out Burger anyone? I think I'll need some animal-style fries to get me in the proper mood for bludgeoning.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 11:00 AM

Hey, TK. What about "bitchy people" do you not understand?

Posted by: Spork at January 28, 2008 11:01 AM

Oh Spork. You did not just invoke the site's tagline.

That's a shot people.

Speaking of: does our homicidal roadtrip involve a pitstop for gin?

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 11:03 AM

When did we start attracting trolls? Intelligent disagreements > randomly insulting everybody on a board. Btw...your entire argument, if that's what it can be called, is completely negated by your support for Meet the Spartans.

Kolby, don't feel bad. I don't think of you as a heavy African-American fellow. But I can agree about TK...that's how I've always imagined him.

Todd, I didn't know they didn't let critics screen it. that's a great point....I actually laughed when I thought about it.

Oh, and temporary insanity can last as long as you need it to. If anything, just say you saw it done in one of their movies, and thought they were telling you to do it. That should work.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 11:09 AM

Alex the Odd....I think a roadtrip of that magnitude almost requires a ABC pitstop....or three....

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 11:12 AM

Just remember that it's a few more weeks before Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy invade your movie screens with Witless Protection, another surefire box-office winner that'll be packing 'em in.

Posted by: BFFredo at January 28, 2008 11:13 AM

Oh, I'm sorry. Here I thought the "bitchy people" referred to the way we talk about MOVIES.

My mistake. I didn't realize that it was carte blanche for us to act like completely puerile, offensive, obnoxious ASSHOLES to our fellow readers.

Tell you what. You want to be bitchy about movies? Be my guest. But at least TRY to be somewhat civil. And if you want to single someone out and disagree with them? Fine. I just don't see what's to be gained by attacking the entire readership.

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 11:18 AM

Spork:

Indeed, you are correct on some thing. Cloverfield and Rambo did get a better reception here than Meet the Spartans did, despite the fact that all three were described as "mindless". But here is where the key difference is:

Cloverfield and Rambo were, at the end of the day, actually fun. Meet The Spartans was not.

There are plenty of shallow films that are favorites here at Pajiba. A movie doesn't get turned down simply for lacking a lot of substance. Its actual entertainment value plays a role as well. If a person can turn off their brain and still feel the utter suckitude of a film, then something is wrong. That is simply what happened here.

Now, you can accept my post however you wish. You do seem intent on parading your allegedly superior thinking faculties around here, and I am not a person to deny you that opportunity.

But just so you know: you aren't the first to pull your sort of jackassery, and you won't be the last (in fact, Pookie does it much better); you will eventually start a comment war on "mouth-breathing" as an insult to sinus congestion sufferers everywhere; and it is hard to take someone seriously when they act so elitist while naming themselves after an implement designed for people who simply cannot get the food into their gaping maws fast enough with a fork, yet don't want to look like they are mentally-challenged and require a spoon.

If you are keeping track folks, I believe this counts as a patented Vermillion long-winded comment, so take your shots.

And I am still offended that no one has offered me a seat in "Pajiba Media Murderfest '08". I have been practicing on Silent Scope and Counter-Strike, and I know a certain giant-clock-wearing buffoon and his reality-show progeny that need some more iron (as well as copper and maybe a little depleted uranium) in their diets.

Posted by: Vermillion at January 28, 2008 11:21 AM

You're right Shadows but I felt compelled to check. You see, normally on holy pilgramiges such as this a trunk pre-loaded with beer bottles is the standard but I've recently made the massive sacrifice of permanently giving up the sweet, life affirming nectar of the gods that is beer - just needed to make sure that my needs for hard liquor would be fulfilled.

Posted by: Alex The Odd at January 28, 2008 11:23 AM

Oh my God, I am pathetically excited to be in a round-up! It's like being drunk and stoned with a slight burning sensation around my heart. God damn good times.

Also, sing it TK.

Posted by: TWoP Fan at January 28, 2008 11:25 AM

As always, Vermillion eloquently provides the intellectual equivalent of a bitchslap. Here here! (shots have been duly taken)

I'm your biggest fan, Vermillion. Keep up the good work.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 11:26 AM

I imagine you as the person standing on camera saying "Sign me up. I want to get busy. You know. I want to get bizz-ee." I merely described the portly african american gent because that's who he was in the credits and I thought that would be the easiest way to point to EXACLTY the dialogue I was describing from the credits.

And yes Alex. There will be booze. What kind of homicidal cleansing would it be if it wasn't alcohol-fueled?! i would need to be completely out of my mind drunk to see these movies so i assume I would need to be in the same mindset to even interact, however brutally, with these movie types.

And everyone...leave Spork alone. He's just pissed off because he saw this movie this weekend and he's trying his hardest to defend it in the middle of geometry class. Forming a coherent thought while taking notes on how to solve for X when given a conic section. It's not that we're movie snobs Spork. We like to have fun at the movies...me especially. But when I go to have fun and not have to think about what I'm watching and all i can think about is how I would like to skin the people in the audience who are actually laughing at that shit and wear their asses as a collection of hats, well that's when you know a movie sucks. I saw Date Movie. And I am proud to say I did, because I can have an informed opinion of these dickwads. Some people comment without ever having seen the film in the first place. I also saw the first 30 mins of Epic movie. And guess what...they had 2 hours of my time and i didn't even giggle ONCE. SO FUCK THEM and fuck you for your indefensible defense of this dreck.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2008 11:29 AM

Oh Jesus, I'd forgotten that I'd acually seen Date Movie. Why? I can't remember for the life of me why I watched it. I mean, there must have been a reason. I wouldn't, nay couldn't do that to myself out of choice. I mean - I actually like me and normally have no desire to take part in something that will lead to the inevitable desire to jab my own eyes out with dusty and splintering bamboo spears. But evidently I did.

Did I lose a bet?

Some kind of punishment?

Oh, God. Did I kill something cute and fluffy and then black out afterwards? Maybe that's why I no longer have the urge to kick puppies now... is it the crushing and unbearable guilt?

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 11:35 AM

Man, there's so much hate and anger in the world today. People are different and have different tastes. Just sit back, sip you favorite beverage, and just chill. Can't we all just get together?

Speaking of which. Fuck Meet the Spartans! And fuck that it's successful! Just great, this time next year I'm gonna have to fucking go sit through Epic Date Spartan Movie 2! From 2 of the 6 writers like that's some fucking stamp of credibility. Fuck it.

Posted by: vadmspartan at January 28, 2008 11:37 AM

I got one better. I saw Date Movie on opening night. I'm....so sorry. I really am. I was compelled! I love me some Buffy, and Willow was in the movie! I thought it couldn't do wrong! Please....forgive me.

I left the theatre actually retching. The people I saw it with were too busy containing their own horror to help me.

But like Pissboy, I don't regret it now. I now feel informed enough to comment on the skills(?) and talents(?) of those involved, and can safely say that for the sake of movies everywhere, "Pajiba Media Murderfest '08" must happen. It is essential for all of humanity.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 11:44 AM

Spork: There is a difference between mindless fun and mindless. And having sat through Date Movie I will have to put all these type of movies in the mindless category. Why is it pretentious to dislike a badly written and executed movie? This doesn't even fall into the category of campy. I so rarely dislike a movie. I find something good about it. But these movies are...wow, I can't even think, these movies made me stupid.
So thanks to Vermillion and TK for your comments. I hate idiots like this.

Posted by: lyricalcatt at January 28, 2008 11:45 AM

Wow Vermillion...You said it a tad more eloquently than I did. ::bows::

Now...it seems we can't be the Boondock Saints anymore. There's just too damn many of us.

Can we instead turn it into our own alternate version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Except now the movie skews WAAAAYYYYYY into the fucked up and instead of going fishing, we go on an LA rampage???

And don't worry about it Alex. I blacked out once and woke up covered in blood and fur. I think I did something creepy or sexy with an angora rabbit. Maybe even sexycreepy. But in the end I didn't think of it as 'killing' the animal as much as 'Gee...I must have pet that lil fella a little too hard' and then I felt right as rain.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2008 11:48 AM

It sounds like we're going to need plenty of cupholders during Pajiba Media Murderfest '08. I'll stop at the Wegmans on the way. Should I pick up soem bulk candy while I'm at it?

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 11:51 AM

So Classics Week was just a transient numbing of the temporal lobe to calm us all down then. I have to say, I was worried: even PissBoy was off his game by Friday. But apparently the effects have worn off and all personalities appear to be restored to their former quirkiness. It's so nice to come home.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 28, 2008 11:52 AM

Kolby: Two words: Gummy. Bears.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 28, 2008 11:55 AM

Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy invade your movie screens with Witless Protection

(Spit take) Wait!? What?!!!! Why!! What have we done to deserve that? Although, if Dustin is looking for another movie to do real-time review of, that does sound like a winner.

Posted by: Brian at January 28, 2008 11:55 AM

At least it's not Larry the Cable Guy and jessica Simpson. This would cause a black hole of suck of such magnitude that anyone watching it....well...have you seen the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 11:58 AM

Brian! Young man, you clean up that mess you just made. And leave poor Dustin be... we all know what happened the last time he got bullied into a real-time review.

And Kolby, I love me some reeses cups. Seriously, I'll cut a motherfucker for some reeses cups.

PissBoy... you... there might be something wrong with you. Just, you know, just sayin'.

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 11:59 AM

I thought I was the only person who would slice a matron-copulater for a Reece's PB Cup.

*eyeballs TK, reaches for his blade*

I...hope we aren't going to have a problem....

Posted by: Vermillion at January 28, 2008 12:05 PM

Anything with copious amounts of frosting will suit me just fine Kolby. Chocolatey, gooey, delicious frosting.

Aaaaaaand now I'm depressed again. Stoopid "healthy eating because yes, I actually do feel better when I've been consuming what is essentially rabbit food and doing exercise and no, I don't have the money to buy myself treats on a daily basis any more and god, I wonder if there's any of that homemade cheesecake left in the fridge wfor when I get home but are my housemates going to hurt me if I eat it because I pretty much ate half of the thing last night which, in fairness to me was entirely justified as I had less food than the rest of them and I did pay for the bloody thing" regime.

Also: good to know that fluffybunnicide can be rationalised away - I like the way your mind works PissBoy.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 12:05 PM

Whoa, easy there Vermillion. No need to get feisty. It's just candy. Oh, shit, look! Zombies!

[stab stab stab]

[munch munch]

Um... he totally started it.

Besides, it's just a flesh wound.

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 12:08 PM

"The "duality of man theme"... in RAMBO?" - my thoughts exactly.

It's admittedly depressing as hell that Meet the Spartans is #1. But Pissboy? Mr. Crazy-Ex-Marine Guy? You're being scary. Go read through the Classics Week reviews and try to relax.

...Or not...you know, now that I think about it (and by it, I mean your rifle), the more I realize this killing spree thing is really is your choice, and who am I to judge? I'm nobody, certainly nobody worth...you know...gunning down on the sidewalk for interfering with your crusade against shitty movies. Carry on.

*backs away slowly*

Posted by: tt_marie at January 28, 2008 12:08 PM

we all know what happened the last time he got bullied into a real-time review.

The only real way to determine what is going too far is by crossing the line and saying "Yup, that was it"

Posted by: Brian at January 28, 2008 12:11 PM

I seriously love you guys. I don't know how I'd get through my day without you. We're not normally allowed to have fun at my place of employment.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 12:15 PM

I saw on the news this morning that Meet the Spartans took the top weekend box office spot. My local anchor declared, "Meet the Spartans is this year's Borat."

I wanted to pour my steaming bowl of oatmeal in my eyes so as not to witness the wild and terrifyingly rapid dissolution of our culture. I also wanted Sacha Baron Cohen to dick-slap that smarmy son-of-bitch talking head.

Posted by: becca at January 28, 2008 12:15 PM

Oh, Kolby, chocolate covered raisins and sour patch kids for me, thanks.

Unless...are you picking up booze as well? Because it that case, I'm changing my order.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 28, 2008 12:16 PM

becca - your local news anchor just got added to the Pajiba Media Murderfest '08 list of people to maim.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 12:19 PM

IN that case. Hm. I need to stop hitting 'post comment' instead of 'preview comment'.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 28, 2008 12:19 PM

I wouldn't mind any peanut-butter-and-chocolate-covered snack that did not begin with an R...just in case...

And if we could soak them in rum, that would be stellar.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 12:20 PM

Uwe Boll should take notes from Friedberg and Seltzer: If you're going to make a shitty movie and still want to make money off of it, don't use it as a money laundering front, just make the budget so low that you can still make a profit by getting enough stupid people to watch it.

Or maybe it's like the "Tearjerker" episode of American Dad, where a Bond villain is using a director to make so many horrible movies that the only good, heartwarming movie left in theaters all over the world will make everyone cry themselves to death.

Posted by: Dr. Haus at January 28, 2008 12:26 PM

I, personally, have never got the whole "peanut butter cups" thing. I just, don't see the appeal....

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 12:26 PM

I thought Uwe Boll was gonna be on the tour?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 12:29 PM

Oh, Alex, I just don't know what to say. You haven't lived until you've tasted a Friendly's Peanut Butter Cup Sundae.

I guess it is rather American to take something that's already unhealthy and fattening like milk chocolate and pair it with peanut butter. Guh, I need a glass of milk just thinking about it.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 12:32 PM

Fluffybunnicide - n.when one kills a hippity-hoppity rabbit without cause, but completely unaware that one is committing the act.
eg. Dude...you totally commited fluffybunnicide
last night. What are you gonna do with all that extra angora?

Alex...I love you more and more every day. I just laughed for about 6 minutes. That is now the greatest word in human history. That trumps my creation of the word inevitablefuckupability. In spades...

Now...TT...no crazy ex marine here. There is just no deep end for me tt_marie and I thought the rifleman's creed would be a good way to illustrate that. No worries for you though. Most of the people who frequent this page get a free pass. Hell I expect more than half of us to be on the bus.

Besides...how could I take you down? I don't know where you live. (yet...) I have no idea what your daily schedule looks like. (yet...) I've never seen what you look like. (except from a distance of 300 yds or more...)

Kolby...Gummy Worms and Lemonheads.

Is it too late to insert a random thing here about Rambo...did anyone see the trailers attached to it? There's one called 'Some of Rambow' that looks purdy funny.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2008 12:36 PM

Alex The Odd: since you'll be making your way to these shores for the bus trip and since Kolby is taking care of the sugar component of our body fuel needs, might I impose upon you for a 12-pack of Tyrell's Mature Cheddar and Red Onion crisps? Thanks so much: crisps really suck over here.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 28, 2008 12:55 PM

I just spent my entire lunch break eating Chinese food and reading this thread. Best lunch break ever.

To anyone questioning my 'duality of man' assessment of 'Rambo': you must first watch the movie before you can second guess my comment.

Just because it is a Rambo film, do not automatically dismiss any prospect of rational thought or subtext. Stallone, as beat up as he may be, is not a stupid man incapable of including depth is his scripts.

Trust me, it's there.

Posted by: ian at January 28, 2008 12:55 PM

Did anyone else see the preview for
Midnight Meat Train (I am totally serious) before Rambo? (yeah I saw it, so what???) MMT will be what Snakes on a Plane should have been

Posted by: Be Adequite! at January 28, 2008 1:01 PM

The fact that several of you think I'm actually defending this crapfest of a film is a clear enough indication that the reading comprehension skills are as sharp as the film criticism has been lately. I laughed myself to the point of becoming light-headed when reading the real-time review of Blond Ambition. The bit about eating cake out of a hobo's ass was the part that nearly did me in.

But, for any of you morons to think I'm defending this film instead of criticizing the double-standard here for movies that fail in the most basic sense of storytelling is absurd. I'd be dumbfounded, but then I'd more than likely resemble any number of you brainless, elitist shills.

Posted by: Spork at January 28, 2008 1:17 PM

Aww... I finally get quoted for a statement that I made after reading 5 comments on the 27 Dresses thread. That was truthfully all it took.

Alex, if you are coming over here, can you bring me paprika chips? Don't care what kind, just Paprika chips. Please??

Oh, TK, word.

I blame 27 Dresses for the troll invasion.

Posted by: Melody at January 28, 2008 1:22 PM

Spork, no PB cups for you.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 1:23 PM

Mmmm...fluffybunnicide...

Hey I want to join the Pajiban Murdering rampage. I'll bring Aquavit (I'll be impressed if anyone knows what this is).

Alex, I agree with you about strange American food. I've also never understood how anyone can eat peanut butter and jelly...that seems to be the most disgusting combination ever imagined. My sister also told me something about pouring honey over fried chicken. Yikes. I think I now know who came up with the seriously fucked up idea of putting pineapple on pizza.

Posted by: joker at January 28, 2008 1:28 PM

I also wanted Sacha Baron Cohen to dick-slap that smarmy son-of-bitch talking head I do believe appropriate response would be to sic a naked Azmat on the reporter.

Will the Pajiba 2008 Killing Spree Bus be making pick ups in Brooklyn? I'll bring the craft brews and kosher hot dogs.

Posted by: Brian at January 28, 2008 1:35 PM

Maybe I'm still reeling from waking up yesterday morning in a suburban Atlanta parking lot, covered in, I dunno, dried raspberry preserves, (Damn, that stuff was a pain in the ass to get out of my hair, especially with only hand soap from a Target lavatory.) but seriously did a half-breed plastic utensil just call me a "brainless, elitist shill"?

Oh honey, then maybe you can enlighten me on the "fun" portion of the aforementioned descriptor regarding "Meet the Spartans". I have a feeling that it's going to be easier to convince me that my menstrual cycle is a fun than a piss-poor attempt at parody.

Who says that my preferring a monster movie to a really unfunny comedy is elitism? Maybe if the jokes in "Meet the Spartans" were actually good and the parody sharp, then maybe you'd have something to fight about.

And what's with all this junk food talk? Lawdy, I am confused.

Can someone tell me what's been going on? And why do I feel woozy and bitey?

Man, that was a long drive home.

Posted by: Alabamapink at January 28, 2008 1:42 PM

Spork...alright dickbag. #1...calling people elitist and then dismissing everyone else for their right to have an opinion...ummm...I think this has already been stated ad-nauseum...but isn't that a whopping douchebag calling the elitist schills fucking assholes? Just checking. But good job on not saying mouth-breathing again. You're advancing. And as far as I know...the film criticism on this page has been sharp as motherfucking 5 yr old vermont yellow, Gee.
I have an idea, what with my utter lack of reading comprehension skills and all, and your unflappable display of superior intellect and oozing sarcasm. Go fuck your mother with a dead cat. Oh shit...wait...i already used that one. Fuck. Now I know exactly how it feels to be you. Now I feel like shit. Somebody come wash the 'suck' off my back please.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2008 1:47 PM

...I think I now know who came up with the seriously fucked up idea of putting pineapple on pizza.

Hey...there's nothing wrong with chicken and pineapple on pizza...that happens to be my favorite. And peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (with some sandwich meat) are fantastic. Although, I have to say, honey on fried chicken does sound pretty...discerning to specialized tastes (see what I did there?)

Actually, Be Adequite!, after you mentioned it, I went and looked up the trailer. I hate to say that I'm intrigued.

Spork, how does insulting everybody at every opportunity, and deliberately ignoring those who are trying to help you (I'm not including myself in that), helping your case in any way? See: Vermillion, TK, and Pissboy's responses above.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 1:48 PM

Aquavit... water + vitamins in a pretty-colored bottle?

(I know the answer after google)

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2008 1:52 PM

Oh and while we are on the subject of uniquely tasty but puzzling American food combinations, may I submit the great Southern contribution to State Fair food: Fried Oreos.

Or as I like to call them Deep Fried Rocks of Crack Cocaine With a Generous Helping of Powdered Sugar.

Them's good eatins!

Posted by: Alabamapink at January 28, 2008 1:56 PM

And one last bit of friendly advice Spork. With my failed comprehention of your rapier wit, I'm not sure if you're trying to lace your comments with oodles of sarcasm and dry humor or just come of as a giagantic anal spasm. Just want to let you know...you're succeeding admirably at one, and failing like a stripper fails her father at the other. Can you figure out which or shall I do shadow puppets?

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2008 2:00 PM

I draw the line at adding cold cuts to a PB&J. That's just nasty.

I LOVE a Peanut Butter-Banana-Honey on Whole Wheat sandwich.

My favorite State Fair food? Corn Dogs!!!

And for a strange food combination to blow your fricken mind: Fried Chicken and WAFFLES. Top it, bitches.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 2:02 PM

I for one demand shadow puppets. Entertaining and educational

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 2:02 PM

You know, after a week of reviewing great classic movies, and still looking at the great posters at the top of the page (particularly the beauty of Butch and Sundance) the fact that the wet fart that is ....... is #1 at the box office fills me with urge to defecate.

Check, please.

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 28, 2008 2:10 PM

"Meet the Spartans is this year's Borat"

I have to agree a hundred percent. Both have made way too much money and both attempt to be parodies. I hated Borat so fucking much it almost made me want to break up with Sasha. The man can do great comedy in short 30 minute bites. He can't do a whole movie. I skipped through most of the last half and every time someone attempts to lure me to watch it again I run screaming out of a room. Admittedly, it's not appropriate in the middle of a funeral but granny is dead and she didn't mind.

Posted by: LittleDead at January 28, 2008 2:15 PM

Peanut butter and jelly? In what world does this not make sense? These two condiments were destined for one another. There are songs about it..."Peanuuuut...peanut butter ([whisper] and jelly)!" or "Peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time!" (as performed by the (in)famous dancing banana); people use it to reference compatibility...as in, we go together like peanut butter and jelly... or, I am the peanut butter to your jelly." I mean, was there ever a time when they were not paired (answer: yes, and I'm sure as shit glad I wasn't around then)? PB and jelly are next to one another in grocery stores, for crap's sake. Also, evidently, you can save the world by eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (see pbjcampaign. org). Furthermore, how people like their pb&j sandwiches may be an important window into their personalities (Google "what does your peanut butter and jelly sandwich say about you" to find out - - evidently, my type of pb&j's make me "gluttonous" - awesome). Most importantly, nothing...NOTHING compares to the delicious melty fruity peanutty wholesome goodness of a toasted PB&J.

As for the pineapple pizza, talk to Hawaii. I hold them wholly responsible for all weird pineapple and Spam food combinations (e.g., fried eggs and Spam, sweet and sour Spam).

Fried chicken and honey...never heard of it. that may be some weird quirky regional thing.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 28, 2008 2:19 PM

Oh, and uh, pissboy, et al, I live in Indiana, am damn fine with a gun and have access to weapons. I am also small, female, and no one would suspect me in a million years. Count on me if you need me.

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 28, 2008 2:25 PM

Believe me, PissBoy, the feeling's mutual. Nothing warms my cynical and cold little heart like a decent bile filled rant of epic proportions and yours are quickly becoming some of my favourites.


PaddyDog, Melody: Noted. Potato based snacks will be smuggled in my luggage. I'll also be bringing decent tea and proper London gin.

Pineapple on pizza is totally valid as toppings go. In fact my favourite (American style) pizza topping combo is thus:

Pineapple, red onion, spicy chicken, green peppers and extra cheese. Served on a deep pan base with a gooey stuffed crust and garlic dip. Oooh and if I can get loaded potato skins on the side (cheese and bacon, natch) and some sour cream and chive to go with them then so much the better.

*sigh* I'm living out my food fantasies online. Goddamn it. Damn it straight to hell.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 2:26 PM

I, personally, have never got the whole "peanut butter cups" thing. I just, don't see the appeal....

This? From Alex? My sweet, sweet Alex? Does...not...compute...*muffled explosion followed by a thud* dasfjdfalsdfsfhjowerjwvscvnnnnnnn....

And for a strange food combination to blow your fricken mind: Fried Chicken and WAFFLES. Top it, bitches.

Sacrilege! Why would you tempt the Fates themselves by offering such a challenge? May the combined forces of Roscoe AND Gladys Knight have mercy on any soul foolish enough to try.

Posted by: Vermillion at January 28, 2008 2:27 PM

Best state fair food (only because it is absolutely disgusting and people actually eat it, which boggles my mind): deep fried turkey testicles. I used to dabble in politics and thus have frequented many a county and state fair (so I'm calling myself an expert on this subject). I truly believe that you could eat something different for every meal, for a week straight, at a state/county fair, and never venture out of the "fried foods" category.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 28, 2008 2:29 PM

Damn, I love state fair food!

Geez tt_marie, good thing I never had your job or I would have turned into a total butterball. It's damn near providential (at least for my wasitline) that the Virginia State Fair comes but once a year.

And as for the distaste for PB&J, it's in pretty much every country BUT America. We're probably the only ones who even put peanut butter and jelly together. I remember in high school the French and German foreign exchange students looking at my PB&J sandwich like it was salted human flesh or something.

Posted by: Alabamapink at January 28, 2008 2:35 PM

Pineapple, red onion, spicy chicken, green peppers and extra cheese. Served on a deep pan base with a gooey stuffed crust and garlic dip. Oooh and if I can get loaded potato skins on the side (cheese and bacon, natch) and some sour cream and chive to go with them then so much the better.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 2:26 PM
--------------------------------------------------

Damnit, Alex, stop making me drool like that, especially during a lunchless day filled with work and frequent trips to the vending machine.

Fried chicken and waffles sound scary...especially if you put syrup on them.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 2:39 PM

joker, I cannot deal with peanut butter and jelly... but all natural peanut butter with real jam is possibly the best thing ever.
And if you guys want the best pizza topping combination ever it's... pineapple, olives (green or black) and tomato.
I have never heard of deep fried oreos but they sound disgusting and kind of scary.

Posted by: IamKateness at January 28, 2008 2:39 PM

Oh, spork, spork, spork!

You dear, funny, post-encouraging fan of all things enlightened, fair and balanced!

I remember being 17 and full of vim and vigor - it was so long ago alas...you go fight the powers that be now...before you get all jaded. Stay gold ponyboy, stay gold.

I'll be setting up Piss Boy's cover story, meanwhile. Canada is an option if it gets too 'hot' down there, please mind. The cellar is stocked hombre.

Posted by: Rebeccah at January 28, 2008 2:43 PM

Yep, absolutely true 'bama. It's only because of the large amount of TV that I watch that I am able to explain to my peers "no, no it's not actual jelly, that would be, erm.... "weirder"?"

Sorry to shatter your dreams V, in my defence I've never actually tried anything containing both peanut butter and chocolate we really don't buy into it as a nation - it's just not that common here.

Wait a minute, why am I defending my snack eating habits again?

Oh right, the power.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 2:46 PM

AlabamaPink: Would you like me to stand guard while you edit your post before DCFS gets wind of it? Where was the little Pinklet while you were passed out in a Target parking lot?

Also for those who did not grow up in the US, did anyone else share my absolute childhood befuddlement at the peanut butter and jelly thing without knowing they really meant jam? Jelly where I come from is what Americans call Jello. Do you know how many times after watching Sesame Street, I tried in vain to make a sandwich using a molded gealtinous substance that just doesn't work between two pieces of bread?

Finally, Brian: your caption is great and I want t-shirts: Pajiba 2008 Killing Spree t-shirts.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 28, 2008 2:46 PM

Mmmm. Fried Chicken and Waffles, with Maple Syrup and Strawberries.

Posted by: The Ross Sea Party at January 28, 2008 2:54 PM

Enlightening, PaddyDog. I can see why someone would think that was disgusting. Yes, for clarification's sake: jelly = jam. Although, in the US, we actually have jelly (the most processed of the jam family...but not similar to gelatin/jello); preserves; and jam. I don't really know the difference between preserves and jam. Anyone, anyone? Bueller?

Posted by: tt_marie at January 28, 2008 2:57 PM

PaddyDog" The jelly thing confused me to no end as a child (and I only live in Canada). I have learned that jelly IS different then jam though, just not different in the way that it's actually Jello.

Posted by: IamKateness at January 28, 2008 3:00 PM

Great minds PaddyDog, great minds.

This thread is making me sad. I had cereal for dinner people. CEREAL for Chrissakes.

I also want a Pajiba 2008 Killing Spree Tshirt, with names of the "crew" on the back in the style of a band-tshirt.

I'd wear it to gigs, specifically to be ironic.

But then people might question what this fabled "pajiba" thing is, and then they'd come here and they'd see my Internet life in all it's freakish glory and I'd have no friends left.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 3:02 PM

Oh, sweet merciful Roscoe's! How I love chicken and waffles. With syrup, thanks.

If Killing Spree Bus is coming up to the Pacific NW, I'll provide popcorn with M&Ms.

Posted by: demondoll at January 28, 2008 3:05 PM

I will pay cash money for one of those T-shirts. Someone get one that, STAT. For serious.

The PB & J was apparently invented by American soldiers during WWII. And, according to Wikipedia, that bottomless pit of knowledge, a 2002 survey showed the average American will have eaten 1,500 PB & J sandwiches before graduating from high school.

And, as a New Yorker, I am physically unable to enjoy anthing resembling a Chicago-style pizza. That means deep dish is out. I like a thin crust, with cheese, olives, peppers & mushrooms.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 3:14 PM

Alex, you are freakin' awesome. I happen to love Nutella as well, but I do have access to that in the states. Nutella puts peanut butter to shame.

I know plenty of other strange fair food, but I will never touch any of it. There is a limit on things that should be fried. Fair food includes fried twinkies, fried Snickers bars, and fried Coke at my state fair.

Posted by: Melody at January 28, 2008 3:14 PM

Popcorn with M&M's????? NO!!!!

My parents used to eat redskinned peanuts with red hots...absolutely disgusting. And, Kateness, that pizza sounds delish.

I had a donut for lunch, if anyone cares. And a little tub of blue gel-a-tin. yummmmm.....

sad sad little life.....

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 28, 2008 3:14 PM

Well, if you want to swing by Miami, I'll bring the rum. *Wants to go on a blood bath too*

as for the jam/jelly/preserve question, I offer you this: http://www.smuckers.com/faq/product/pg6.asp

Posted by: Theresa at January 28, 2008 3:15 PM

I am going home TONIGHT and making the screen for "Pajiba 2008 Killing Spree." I am in the process of opening my own online biz selling tee's so it'll be no problem at all getting them made.

And TT-Marie...there is no real difference between jam and preserves. It's like sub vs. grinder vs. hoagie. Just depends on what you wanna call em.

And Rebeccah...get a bookcase for in front of your basement door. And we'll need some Fight Club style basement bunks. Something tells me we'll need to get there in a hurry. What's the closest major-road border to you?

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2008 3:15 PM

I can't even imagine how one would fry Coke.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 3:18 PM

PissBoy if you don't ship internationally I may have to revoke all the warm fuzzy feelings I currently hold for you. Just sayin. I want my damned T shirt.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 3:20 PM

Melody: In fairness, the Scots did invent the deep battered Mars Bar. And at the great British fish and chip institution in New York, Assault & Battery (greatest name for a chippie ever), you can still get deep fried Mars Bars and Toffee Crisps. That's if you're not next door in Tea and Sympathy having hot Ribena and Cornish Pasties.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 28, 2008 3:20 PM

I like hearing the members of the site bitch about movies that made the top 5, it's always nice to hear from the site's worshippers. Plus, the people here are fun, so it all works out.
Plus The Eloquents name is totally boss.

Posted by: Kamakazi Feminist at January 28, 2008 3:24 PM

I don't really know the difference between preserves and jam. Anyone, anyone? Bueller?

I don't know for sure, but I think the difference is that (American) jelly is totally smooth, as in no fruit bits, pulp or seeds, while preserves are made with chunks for fruit suspended in the jelly type bits?

My daughter adores peanut butter and strawberry preserve sandwiches. She has to have one every school day for lunch. As for me, I'll take my peanut butter any way I can get it (including in chicken stew), although it is best when combined with chocolate.

Oh, and chicken 'n waffles? So very good. God I'm hungry.

Posted by: pinkcheese at January 28, 2008 3:25 PM

Thanks dammitjanet! I usually get the reaction that it's disgusting, but the mix of sweet and salty is perfect.
Alex, I partially live off nutella. It is the greatest chocolaty spread ever, and does not have a lot of caffeine.

Posted by: IamKateness at January 28, 2008 3:28 PM

PissBoy: No offence. I love you to death, but do I want to be bricked up with an armed PissBoy in Rebeccah's basement on about Day 41 of the siege? I'll have to think about that one. I'm getting visions of Tim Robbin's character in War of the Worlds. Maybe I'll just take my t-shirt, my crisps and gummy bears and go over the cliff yelling "Hollywood Whores".

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 28, 2008 3:28 PM

Hey, I want a t-shirt! Nobody would understand what it would mean, but that's part of the fun. And while I won't o on the tour, I too would like to devise a cover story and hide-out for the brave eloquents who showed our actions are just as strong as our words.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 3:29 PM

I discovered the deep fried Twinkie 2 years ago at the fair. I swooned with every bite, but I haven't had one since. They're just too bad for you.

Perhaps this little killing spree that everyone is going on could swing through the hellish desert southwest? I'd be more than happy to provide my home-made cream puffs for everyone. (Filled with ice cream and topped with hot fudge, butterscotch and marshmallow syrups, of course...)

Posted by: pinkcheese at January 28, 2008 3:33 PM

PaddyDog: You mean you wouldn't like to spend a month straight getting sloppily drunk on Irish Whiskey with me, singing melancholy songs completely off key and telling tales about the Old Country? Cause if I'm around that's pretty much how the entire seige is going to go.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 3:35 PM

M&M's and popcorn are totally K-rad! The only superior combinations are Jr. Mints and popcorn or Peanut Butter M&M's and popcorn.

Finally, I've clued into the whole killing spree and if me and my fabulously shiny handgun are not invited, then expect a hurtin' hillbilly style. Besides, if Little Pink comes along, he is the perfect deception: a cute, friendly toddler until he brandishes his throwing stars.

Plus, who's going to bring her famous peanut butter rice krispie treats with chocolate-butterscotch icing?

Posted by: Alabamapink at January 28, 2008 3:40 PM

'Bama, you had me at peanut butter rice krispie treats with chocolate-butterscotch icing. I mean... Jesus. And I don't even LIKE sweets.

Nor do I like popcorn. The shit is awful.

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 3:47 PM

I have a very clear picture of a babe in diapers hurling throwing stars from a stroller in my head. I like it.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 3:49 PM

TK, did you have an unfortunate incident involving braces and a stray popcorn kernel when you were a youngin'? Because that's the only way I can understand you not liking popcorn. I mean, come on - BUTTER and SALT? What's not to like?

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 3:52 PM

Friends - my cellar is where it's at! I got Nutella, I make hot hot griddle cakes, Vancouver is temperate and chillin' - and get this - I've been dying to attack the little tweenie brats that play lightsabers outside my house in the - get this - BERM! I gots a berm, my friends, a duck pond and a seawall. We're SO ready for the revolution! Crispy duck and free bathwater. We're coo.

What's the secret phrase though (so I'll know it is one of us at the door...)?

"Alabama-TK-PaddyDog-Pookie!,
Alex-the-Odd, SoCalled, Vermillion playin' hookie!..."

next verse?

Posted by: Rebeccah at January 28, 2008 3:53 PM

I am truly honored that my attempt to pass the time at work is resulting in an official T-Shirt.

Alex the Odd You partial to a particular distiller for the Whiskey? Just starting to drink the stuff this year - favored beer and bourbon until now (which I ahven't given up on, just expanding my horizons)

Posted by: Brian at January 28, 2008 3:54 PM

Alex The Odd: Well, if there's off-key singing of all the old standards, count me in. I know all 12 original verses of Danny Boy (that should occupy us for the first 4 weeks or so).

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 28, 2008 3:57 PM

Kolby, I was one of those rare youngsters who never had braces. No, I dislike popcorn because:

a) I love corn and feel like popcorn corrupts it's sweet, sweet flavor

2) It obviously hates me, what with the constant getting stuck in my teeth and that weird thing where a piece of it gets stuck on the back of my tongue and I want to stab myself in the mouth with a steak knife to get it out, and

III) Because people who eat popcorn in the theater make a fucking ruckus with the chomping and crunching and the SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I BEAT YOU TO DEATH.

You feel me?

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 4:02 PM

I'm a Bushmills gal through and through, if we're talking Irish. I'm not too hot on Scotch, I tend to drink whatever's available. If I'm drinking bourbon it's normally either Maker's Mark or Knob Creek (for I am still mentally twelve and it makes me giggle to ask for it in bars).

I'm not a whiskey afficionado though, I can only drink it in certain situations. I'm more of a gin/vodka kind of a gal.

Oooh and dark rum. We must not forget the rum. I got through about a litre of Black Seal on New Year's this year by playing drinking games with a very cute specimin of boy. Aaah, good times.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 4:02 PM

I just sat through over 6 hours of meetings; this comment section of crazy completely put me in a better mood. And Pissboy, I want in on the rampage...I'll bring the Guinness and soft pretzels.

Posted by: Julie at January 28, 2008 4:04 PM

Oh, Alex. I often dream of a heaven where Bushmills and Makers pours from the faucets. But then, whiskey is my love. I also dream of a world where cows give Oban 14-year-old instead of milk, and where babies cry pure Laphroaig.

Because I like to make babies cry.

Especially if they make Scotch.

Mmmm... whiskey babies.

With ninja stars.

Whiskeybabyninjastar!

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 4:07 PM

Whew, yeah, TK, I feel ya. It gets in my teeth, too. Sometimes it's still there the next day, which is just scary.

Alex - you would have had a grand old time at my wedding. We had a Scotch & Whiskey tasting table. It was quite possibly the most popular destination at my reception, and the main reason why I couldn't understand a damn thing my father mumbled during our dance.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 4:09 PM

TK, I loves ya. God, I hate popcorn, too. I have some weird thing where the smell of certain foods really make me want to wretch and the whole over-buttered popcorn thing is the biggest offender. If my family makes microwave popcorn at home I have to go to another room.

I also want to kill those peeps in the theatre with the KRINKLY KRINKLY KANDY WRAPPPPPPERRRRRSSSSS!!!!! And the slurpy damn drinks, but thats another story.

Can I be in the song, too? I'll bring the Bailey's! And, I make home-made Kahlua that I put in chocolate/cappucino/Kahlua cake with cream cheese/chocolate/cappucino/Kahlua cake that'll make everybody feel better!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 28, 2008 4:12 PM

That's it. I have no musical talent but I'm starting a band and it will be named Whiskeybabyninjastar! because that's just nine different levels of awesome right there.

I really should learn more about whiskey. Maybe now that I've given up beer I could use the opportunity to branch out. I need to work in a bar again for the *ahem* "free samples".

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 4:14 PM

Kolby, it has something to do with the syrup of coke and batter. I have no idea nor do I ever really want to find out.

Alex, Knob Creek is a fantastic bourbon. If it is vodka that you are talking about, think about the Grey Goose. That is a personal favorite.

Posted by: Melody at January 28, 2008 4:15 PM

Sounds like a nice placeTK. No streams of Glenlivet 21, Old Pogue rainshowers and wells of Bernheim? A nice swiming pool of Knappogue Castle 1992?

Posted by: Brian at January 28, 2008 4:21 PM

Good call Melody. My three favourite (commercial, non flavoured) vodkas are Grey Goose, Black Death and Żubrówka (especially if you mix it with apple and throw in a hint of cinnamon - it's winter warming goodness).

Now I'm thirsty.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 4:22 PM

Ahhhh, Vodka. I likes it. It has to be just regular vodka, though, no fruit flavors (especially raspberry, I gag just remembering THAT night). I am partial to Grey Goose & Belvedere.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 4:22 PM

Brian, I am now visibly aroused.

Take that however you will.

Yes, whiskey arouses me. What of it? Huh? Huh?

WHISKEYBABYNINJASTAR!

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 4:25 PM

This comment thread is possibly my favourite I've read here in years.
Rebeccah: I'd love to come to your place for the hell of it. My roommate is from Vancouver, and I'm hailing from Toronto. Anyway, the roomie likes to complain that Toronto will never live up to Vancouver, I'd love to compare!

Posted by: IamKateness at January 28, 2008 4:29 PM

Once again....a long comment diversion about a crappy movie has devolved into a discussion about liquor. I love this site, I really do.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 4:31 PM

Kolby Your story reminds me of my neighbour's wedding from last year. I needed to make an appearance, say my Mazel Tov's and leave, so I went with a friend to a wine fest beforehand. First time I have ever shown up to a wedding drunk. Good Times

Posted by: Brian at January 28, 2008 4:32 PM

And THIS, my friends, is how you spend 8 hours at work doing absofuckinglutely nothing. And loving every interminable minute of it. At least we learned a few things:

1) TK does NOT look like CT, damnit. And he hates popcorn.

2) A few of us would have no problem taking a motherfucker out. In fact, I think we'd rather enjoy it.

3) Pissboy is scarier than we thought.

4) Vermillion turns us on with the written word.

5) We like to eat weird shit.

6) Alabamapink's kid kicks ass.

7) None of us got any work done today.

Feel free to add to the list. I'll be walking to my car in the bitter cold.

Posted by: Kolby at January 28, 2008 4:52 PM

Boy howdy, everyone and their fancy-pants liquors! Even in my harder drinking days, I wasn't all that choosy about the brand as long as it wasn't sold in giant plastic bottles with handles. 'Cause those brands always equaled Nasty Nasty Hangover.

And I did draw the line at the wino stuff from Seven Eleven like Night Train and Wild Irish Rose.

You guys sure know how to make a girl feel pathetically ignorant about libations!

Posted by: Alabamapink at January 28, 2008 4:54 PM

Alright, TK - you've got to work Whiskeybabyninjastar! into every post from now on, even though the water was incredibly painful as it snorted out of my nose.

Posted by: pinkcheese at January 28, 2008 4:56 PM

You make a good point, Kolby (despite the fact that I am no longer at work and am instead sitting in my room desperately trying to avoid sorting out my CV). I need the distraction though, if it weren't for Pajiba I probably would have quit my job and run off to join the circus long ago.

I could be the painted lady.

Aaah, the life that never was.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 4:57 PM

Manoman, I'm late getting into this one, but as I scan through the comments, it would seem we have quite the bevy of drinkers on our hands here. I likes me some booze, I truly do.

A close friend of mine and his wife went to Ireland about two years ago and he bought a bottle of Jamison at the actual distillery itself (ran about eigthy dollars, U.S.). You could only get that particular brand at the site and holy christ was it smooth.

That being said, HOW THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE NUMBER ONE AT THE BOX OFFICE!!?? What the hell is going on here?! Now, I'm not a purveyor of fine cinema, but I honestly CANNOT believe that somebody had the goddam balls to make this piece of shit. How many bouts of boardroom oral sex had to go down - how many contracts inked in the blood of a newborn unicorn - who the fuck was drunk/high/tortured enough to actually say "Hey, y'know what? This bird could actually fly?". Who was that person, where do they live, and most importantly, who's willing to get sauced outta their holes and join me in dragging that motherfucker down to an auto junkyard and crush him/her in a sedan fulla feces?

Seriously... I died a little inside when I read that. I would gladly sit through multiple viewings of "27 Dresses", hell I'd even watch it while spooning Heigl in the nude, before I would even consider watching "Meet the Motherfucking Spartans".

I have to go puke now...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 28, 2008 4:59 PM

Wow, you all are quite the badasses with your hard liquor lovin' selves. Me, I like to stick with wine and beer, the only alcoholic beverages I know much of anything about. The mere thought of drinking vodka in a manner that would allow you to actually taste the difference between brands makes me want to start heaving everywhere. Granted, that may be because most of my experiences with vodka were in college and involved fake IDs, brands like Dark Eyes, and throwing up later in the evening. Ew, ew, ew. Vodka...or even worse, my arch nemesis...Rumplemintz (*shudder*), which used to be my shot of choice because - - HELLO! - - it's pepperminty and therefore makes you kissable.

Oddly, I kind of like tequilla. Probably because I associate it with mexican food, which, as everyone knows, kicks ass.

So this is cool. I've billed...oh, about four hours out of the 8 that I've been at work. Thanks, Pajiba.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 28, 2008 5:18 PM

So, I take it that as the only non drinker on our little trek, I will be the designated driver.

Although, with so many fine ladies getting thoroughly soused, it might be the only time in my life I will get sloppy drunk makeout action. And I won't be the one having regrets during the untangling of bodies the morning after! Yay for me!

But I swear, and mention of certain beings and/or my aversion to them, and there may be...accidents. Just saying, a drunken weave and an undead shuffle look awfully similar.

Posted by: Vermillion at January 28, 2008 5:18 PM

I had similar experiences tt_marie but then I got a job at a cocktail bar and a boyfriend with a spirits collection. Good times. Believe it or not I'm actually even more of a snob about beer, but sadly I *sniff* can't *gulp* have *whimper* any *sob* ever *wail* AGAIN!!!!

Seriously though: Black Seal rum is the daddy of all sugar cane based beverages, it's made in Bermuda and we get it imported in two and a half litre bottles with a handle built in for swigging value. Seriously you cannot drink that shit and not feel like a pirate. It's amazing.

Also: woohoo for designated driverness! I have gotten around ever having to take this responsibility by steadfastly refusing to learn to drive. Blissful (and safe) drunkenness pour moi.

And with that I'm off to bed. Thanks for a thoroughly entertaining day Pajibafolk. Keep me posted of any KillSpree '08 updates.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 28, 2008 5:27 PM

Mexican Food? Yup.

Tequilla? Pleasegawdno.

I haven't had an ounce of tequilla since an unfortunate night about fifteen years ago when I showed up late for a party and figured it'd be wise to "catch up " with everybody else by drinking a rather large amount of tequilla on a stomach filled only with two Slim-Jims and a ninety-nine cent gas station burrito.

But yeah, for reals... I've got a trunk of various spirits, an almost full pack of Marlboros and little over a week of vacation time... I must destroy the person(s) who made "Meet the Spartans" a reality. If anyone wants in, I can be there within twenty-four hours. Plus, I have no problem with stealing a U-Haul in order to accomodate more drunk 'n angry 'Jibans.

Unfortunately, I'm unable to pick up anybody in Idaho. I don't wanna get into it, but it involves warrants and other goofy stuff...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 28, 2008 5:29 PM

Ooooh, steamrolled to death. Just like in A Fish Called Wanda! That part always seriously disturbed me. There was also a steamrolling death in Maximum Overdrive, but that wasn't as fun as the coach being pelted to death by pop cans from a vending machine.
Anyway, lord, I can't believe Meet the Spartans was the top box office draw. I'd prefer to see Rambo or even 27 Dresses in that place, because at least I can see how those movies could comprehensibly have appeal.

Posted by: Lannie at January 28, 2008 5:34 PM

*Tequila* is the correct spelling, I think. Sorry I led you astray, Skittimus Maximus. I am a false prophet.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 28, 2008 5:39 PM

Damn you tt_marie. Damn you straight to hell.

Yeah my spelling sucks. I believe I made a mistake with "eighty" earlier. I was hoping it'd slide, but... well, it woulda, until I just now mentioned it... Der.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 28, 2008 5:50 PM

Wow, late to the party, and what a party it is!

Pissboy, I'm too much of a pacifist pansy-ass to aid, but I'd love to abet somehow. I know, I'll supply the booze--Mr. MO happens to make some excellent hooch. What's our poison? AtO, did you say gin? Done! Vodka? Rum? A nice Shiraz??

'Scuse me, I have to go tell my husband I love him...

Oh, and Spork, for the love of Pete--if you like the reviews, stick around. Feel free to contribute when you have something rational (or at least interesting) to say. If you don't like the site, go find one that agrees with you. Is that so hard? Sheesh.

Posted by: MO at January 28, 2008 5:51 PM

oh, sorry, I meant cream cheese/chocolate/cappucino/Kahlua FROSTING that you can smear on ANYTHING and it will taste like food of the Gods.

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 28, 2008 5:56 PM

Vermillion, I don't indulge either, so I'd be happy to split the DD duties with you. I have a feeling that we're going to need a couple of tour buses, at the rate this thing is going.

Posted by: pinkcheese at January 28, 2008 6:17 PM

Kolby: Come join me in "I just pissed away the day and now will spend the evening worrying about the deadline I have to meet tomorrow hell".

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 28, 2008 6:38 PM

Fried Coke is made by frying a batter made with some coke syrup and then drizzling more coke syrup over the top, I think.

And my favorite drink is the Strawberry Margarita. It's a girly girl girl drink and I don't fucking care.

Posted by: twig at January 28, 2008 6:41 PM

My God, what happened to this thing?!

Be Adequite: If you're intrigued by MMT, the director's name is Ryuhei Kitamura. Go catch his first 2 movies, Versus and Azumi (both Japanese). Azumi is like an anime come to life.

And Versus? Imagine mixing Highlander with Dawn of the Dead with a gangster movie with a kitchen sink of violence and blood. It's insane.

Posted by: Fredo at January 28, 2008 6:47 PM

IamKateness - all are welcome - it would really be a kick (not that I'm THAT lonely, I've got the two preschool children and all...). Vancouver is a fine place to live generally. It's -1 here, and everyone is DYING of cold. heh. So, they are skiing the three mountain resorts all the time - boarders on the bus and all. Nice, if you're into that kind of thing.

Posted by: Rebeccah at January 28, 2008 8:25 PM

Brian, I am now visibly aroused. Thanks TK...I think

Vermillion & pinkcheese In honor of offering to drive, you get the 1st 2 kills. Everyone else will then choose turns via lottery

Posted by: Brian at January 28, 2008 8:28 PM

Skittimus Maximus I belive the quote is It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses but points for style none the less

Posted by: Brian at January 28, 2008 9:01 PM

It's the night before the killing spree. The troops have gathered. 'Bama and TK are passed out in the corner. ATO and Paddy are still singing (the noise, by the way, almost unbearable). Little pink is shoving a ninja star up Vermillion's nose. There is junk food from arsehole to breakfast.

Me? I just snuck in to steal TK's 3/4 full bottle of Laphroaig. Might just swipe a jar of Nutella on the way out.

Bollocks. Alex has my ankle - she will only be placated with chocolate spread.

Tomorrow's going to be a big day people!

Posted by: general rhubarb at January 28, 2008 9:17 PM

Jamison, please. It's nice!
I stand by my popcorn and M&Ms- I make all crinkly sounds before the movie starts.

Wait, did someone just mention Kahlua cake? Or frosting?! Mmmmm....

Posted by: demondoll at January 28, 2008 9:25 PM

Whazza... whoda...

[blink blink]

Why... some sumbitch shtole my whisssskey!

The fuck? Shmells like rhubarb in here.

Wait a minnit...

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 9:53 PM

See, since I was at work, I did not want to type in that I would like to join the Killspree '08. I have my very own weapons, ammo, and liquor stash and would certainly like to join in.

I will bring along my homemade Red Velvet Cake as a bonus.

Can I still join?

Posted by: Melody at January 28, 2008 10:43 PM

Hmmm, Meet the Spartans. Sounds like the intellectual equivalent of being a cell mate with Simon Adebisi.

Posted by: Dexter Morgan at January 29, 2008 12:32 AM

Mmmmmm.....

Smokey, peaty goodness.

Beats the crap out of Glenfiddich.

Thanks TK - you're a prince

Posted by: general rhubarb at January 29, 2008 12:48 AM

Azumi is like an anime come to life

Azumi has the most absurdly stupid tactical commander I have ever seen on film, even in balls-up no-mercy action films.

Seriously, when you're going off to do... whatever the hell it was they were doing, you don't have your two top officers fight each other to the death. Maybe you let your top officers take it out on their friends on the bottom half, if you absolutely have to establish your badass cred, but otherwise... no. Why halve the effective fighting power of your team in order to prove to them that you're a dick?

I wouldn't trust that guy to make it to the bus stop, let alone enact any kind of decent revenge.

Posted by: twig at January 29, 2008 8:48 AM

It's official, I'm never moving to the U.S. After the "fried chicken + waffles" and other horrible food combinations you guys have mentioned, I'm finally sure. Food is on my "Top 3 criteria to consider before moving to a country".

I do know that jelly=jam, I learned it from TV, I still think it's gross.

I don't know who said something silly like Aquavit is some vitamin water shit, but you're horribly wrong. According to Wikipedia (The only source of knowledge in the Universe): "Akvavit, also known as aquavit or akevitt, is a Scandinavian distilled beverage of typically about 40% alcohol by volume. Its name comes from aqua vitae, the Latin for "water of life"." Of course the 40% thing is for the legal stuff. The homemade version is...well...appropriate for a killing spree. Speaking of which...where can I get a t-shirt?

Posted by: joker at January 29, 2008 9:20 AM

Vermillion & pinkcheese In honor of offering to drive, you get the 1st 2 kills. Everyone else will then choose turns via lottery

Posted by: Brian at January 28, 2008 8:28 PM

Thanks Brian! I'm so psyched, but, who do I choose to eliminate? Ahhh, must narrow down my personal kill list.

Posted by: pinkcheese at January 29, 2008 10:04 AM

Oooh I've had that stuff joker! An ex of an ex (don't ask) used to bring it over with her from Norway. That stuff is nasty.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 29, 2008 10:28 AM

How about we get a nice big bottle of that Greek shine Bourdain was drinking last night - Raki?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tsikoudia

Posted by: Brian at January 29, 2008 11:59 AM

My thoughts while reading this.

Hurray I got noticed...in the post about Meet the Spartans opening as the #1 movie.

Not since the days of 'Paper or Plastic' have I been so conflicted.

Posted by: Andrew831 at January 29, 2008 12:42 PM

I am thoroughly impressed that this comment thread has lasted so long.

However, also I'm getting slightly nervous that someone is going to take this serioiusly and have us all thrown in the slammer.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 29, 2008 12:42 PM

Junk food, booze, and mass murder? This is going to be the best senior trip EVER!

Posted by: biscuits at January 29, 2008 2:07 PM

Jeez, I forget to check Pajiba for ONE DAY and you're all planning drunken mass murder. Wow. I'd join you but I'm broke and so making the trip over the pacific might be a bit tricky. Dismember a starletard for me, will you?

Posted by: rach at January 29, 2008 6:43 PM

Don't worry, rach, geography is no barrier to joining the Great Pajiba Murder Tour.

Alex, I know it's nasty, I don't think it was originally intended for human consumption, but Scandinavians will drink anything that contains alcohol. Maybe we can use it for molotov cocktails.

Posted by: joker at January 30, 2008 4:59 AM

Well you kind of have to right, joker? Isn't alcohol out there super insanely expensive?

Weirdly some of the biggest drinkers I know are Scandinavians.

I kind of object to molotov cocktails on principle, I mean pretty much anything alcoholic can be mixed to tase ok (except pernod) so it feels like a waste to ya know, blow stuff up. Unless the explosion is pretty enough of course...

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 30, 2008 6:45 AM

Oh yea, not only is alcohol expensive, but it's also really hard to buy. If you want to buy anything with >4% you have to go to the state shops of which there are like...5 in a city of 150 000. Then you have to match their stupid opening hours. Who wants to buy Vodka at 15.00? It's only in Norway though. Sweden & Danmark are much more civilised.

Oh I like anything that blows shit up. Explosions are pretty. And fire. For some reason our fire brigade trucks have the logo of a lighter fluid manufacturer on them. This has nothing to do with anything, I just thought of it.

Posted by: joker at January 30, 2008 8:02 AM

Just remember not to throw molotov cocktails overarm. Otherwise have fun you kids.

Posted by: ChrisD at February 28, 2008 6:17 PM