January 14, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | January 14, 2008 |


16. The Orphanage, Weekend $2 million; Total: $3 million: “I can’t find anything negative to say about the film or the review. That sucks. I’ll see it and not like it, out of spite.” — BarbadoSlim

“I mean, it is just READING ENGLISH ON A SCREEN, not deciphering the Rosetta stone, for Pete’s sake.” — Vermillion

“Have you been, like, out lately? To a public place? Like maybe to a nearby Wal-Mart? There, see what happens when you hesitate, Barbado? I beat you to it! Neener!” — Jerce

14. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale, Weekend: $3 million: “If someone were to walk up to me and say, “TK, you can either have $200, or you can have 30 minutes to beat the holy bloody fuck out of Matthew Lillard, without consequence or reprimand…”

I mean, that’s a genuine dilemma right there.

I’m still having trouble thinking about the cast without bursting into that kind of high-pitched, uncontrolled, spit-flying laughter that gets people committed. Kristanna Loken as a telepathic Amazon? For real?” — TK

“Now this wizard/whore confuses me. Is it a multi-class character, or is that a prestige class?” — ScarletKnight.

5. Alvin and the Chipmunks, Weekend: $9.1 million; Total: $187 million: “I liked Jersey Girl. A lot.” — Craig

4. National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Weekend: $11 million, Total: $187 million: “I’m an archaeology student and I WISH this was the kind of stuff we did. Alas, it’s less digging under the pyramids and exploring ancient tombs — more suffering from poison ivy and premature arthritis for $12 an hour. Oh yeah, and dealing with fucktard tourists who love to drop by digs and ask oh-so-smugly, “Ya found the treasure yet?” — Dingles

3. Juno, Weekend: $14 million; Total $71 million: “I did hear of one girl who had to have surgery on her thumb (or thumbs, can’t remember) because of the strain from texting. She sent more than 100 texts a day. Honestly, just call the damn person!” — Chantelle

2. First Sunday, Weekend: $19 million: “I’m sorry, but as a multi-ethnic person (one of those ethnicities being black) it makes me absolutely sick that these movies keep getting made and that people KEEP GOING TO SEE THEM. It’s bad enough that mainstream Americans believe that most ethnic people really behave this way, but it’s even worse that minority writers, directors, and actors do not use their “talents” to portray us in a more positive and realistic light. It should be possible to make a “black” comedy without highlighting and glorifying every negative minority stereotype that exists.” — Pudenda

“Pudenda, mainstream America gave us American Idol, Britney Spears, Anna Nicole Smith, and Dane Cook. With that being said I don’t think mainstream America will judge African Americans solely on the works of Ice Cube and Tracy Morgan. And I guarantee you whatever other ethnicity you are ain’t nothing to write home about either.” — Pookie

1. Bucket List, Weekend: $19.5 million: “I really think that all movie reviews should be done with that in mind Jerce: accompany them with an item of home decor that someone who enjoys this movie is likely to possess.

Dane Cook movies have a beer bong covered in “smiley face” stickers and held together with duct tape, P.S. I Love You would be a pepto-bismol pink sad-eyed bear holding a foam filled heart, oooh and for Alvin and the Chipmunks we could have a photograph of a home lobotomy kit and the framed contract signed by Satan himself stipulating the conditions of release for Jason Lee’s withered little soul.” — Alex the Odd

“I’ve never had chemo, as Edward and Carter must endure, but I have had cancer, and believe me, during convalescence after surgery the last item on your bucket list is climbing a Himalaya. Your list is more likely to be topped by keeping down a full meal, having a triumphant bowel movement, keeping your energy up in the afternoon, letting your loved ones know you love them, and convincing the doc your reports of pain are real and not merely disguising your desire to become a drug addict.” — Roger Ebert, by way of AM.

On DVD this Week

Good Luck Chuck: “I’m going to wait for Alba’s Ass to come out on HD DVD.” — JP

“Listen Dustin. With all due respect, Cook’s voice is the voice of a new generation. My generation. Now if you will kindly help me unwedge my front wheel, I’ll be on my way.” — Chris

Mr. Woodcock: “I saw it…last night. The biggest laugh I got from the movie was me saying the word “Woodcock” to my 13 year old sister today when telling her that I saw the movie last night.

“I truly felt like a pedophile.” — Lee G.

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I Am a Sacred Vessel; All You Got in Your Stomach Is Taco Bell

The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / The Eloquents

Box Office Round-Ups | January 14, 2008 | Comments ()



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