March 3, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | March 3, 2008 |


5. Jumper (Weekend: $7.6 million; Total: $67 million): (From this week’s Boozehound thread) “Doesn’t Renee Zelwegger have people? I love the idea of having ‘people’ to remind you how to be. You think it’s some kind of bodyguard, just off her right shoulder. But every few minutes, the quiet unobtrusive hiss.

‘Renee! Face! Face!’

(I don’t actually care about her one way or another. All my loathing goes right toward Jessica Alba. I want federal legislation that guarantees two movies for Rosario Dawson for every Alba debacle. Parity, dammit, for the sake of the world.)” — Twig

“I really don’t care how Javier is supposed to be pronounced, since I plan on simply calling him ‘oh, baby - harder!’…” — Tarn

“Pajiba accessories…hmmm. Socalled: Cufflinks in the shape of martini glasses; Shadows: Cape with a fur-trimmed collar; PissBoy: Hankerchief soaked in Chloroform; B-Slim: Livestrong bracelet. Or a cock ring; TK: Studded dog collar; Insert(clevernamehere): A tie covered in Jesus fish; Skitt(imus Maximus: A pet alligator on a leash; Sarina: Ripped fishnet stockings (destruction caused by some hot guy’s teeth); Kolby: Mardi Gras beads, collected the flashy way; tt_marie: Pasties. Because…boobage; Paddydog: Whip and a leprechaun; Anne: Bright red lipstick and fuck me boots; Alabamapink: Cowboy hat and garters.” — Julie

4. The Other Boleyn Girl (Weekend: $8.3 million): “Didn’t Anne Boleyn have eleven fingers? And three breasts? I’m going to take a wild stab-in-the-dark-type guess and say they didn’t include that little quirk. Might have been more interesting if they had. Other than that, sumptuous review of what was always guaranteed to be complete pants.” — Laura (bonus points for using “pants” as an insult; triple bonus points if you’re not British)

“I wonder how romantic people would consider the period it they reeeeeally thought about it. All that clothing, no Protex, no Degree Clinical Strength, riding horses all day, lack of running water AND toilet paper. All these folks STANK, rotten teeth, venereal diseases up the ass, I’ve read that Henry VIII was so diseased that his stench was unbearable. Pure. Sex.” — BarbadoSlim

“Okay, so Scarlett Johansen has big tits. Lindsay Lohan has big tits. So what? I have bigger tits than either one of them, I just don’t have an agent. They are not a big deal and they do not qualify anyone to play a potential queen. BTW, are we going to have to start doing a shot anytime a commenter threatens suicide?” — Kris

3. The Spiderwick Chronicles (Weekend: $8.7 million; Total: $55million): (From Dan’s round-up) “Who else is with me on this? Given the option of sticking my penis in SJP or fucking a shoebox full of nails, how many people would first ask if the nails were rusty? No matter how painful, they’re about 81.6% less annoying.” — Pissboy

“I just want to meet a guy named ‘Dance Porn.’ Because I would bow to him. Anyone with the word ‘porn’ in his/her name is cool in my book.” — Pissboy (making up for lost time)

“All my porn names suck…Winnie Oak, Anne Clinton, Rizzo McShea. I’d rather choose my own, like Hot Twat McGriddle.” — Julie

“Facefucker is the best last name ever. Hands down.” — Shadows of Dakaron
“I just spent the last five minutes thinking up a porno name for myself. I weep for the taxpayers of New York. How’s this: Honey Moistbritches.” — Kolby

“Uh… aren’t we supposed to be discussing the topic of this Round-Up instead of coming up with ridiculous porn names? Seriously, people… Let’s grow up.” —Skitticock Maxijizz

2. Vantage Point (Weekend: $13 million; Total: $41 million): (On Anime) “I’m trying to imagine a debate between hardcore pro- and anti-anime factions:

*Pro-Ans and Anti-Ans stand facing each other from an impractical distance across a windswept landscape*

Pro-An Spokesperson (in a near unbroken stream of rapid-fire syllables): “When this debate begins you will be under no illusions as to the awesome power that the combined forces of all anime movies ever made hold within them - ha-ha!”

Anti-An Spokesperson : “Cool, well, whenever you’re ready, then…”

*Pro-An Spokesperson’s eyebrow twitches for nearly fifteen minutes. No-one moves*

Anti-An Spokeperson : “Errrmmm… Should we come back later?”

Pro-An Spokesperson : “HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“

Anti-An Spokesperson : “-Dude, what are you doing?”

Pro-An Spokesperson : “-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Anti-An Spokesperson : “Screw this, let’s go hit the buffet table.” — Dill the Devil

I do not like your anime,
I do not like it, take it away

I do not like it in an apocalyptic city,
I do not like it, despite the annoying blobby talking kitty

I do not like the horrible characters
I do not like it for many factors

I do not like the stupid yelling men
I do not like the stupid vapid women

I do not like your loop animation,
And no, it’s not ‘cause I’m not Asian

I do not like the quarter-of-an-hour-long intros,
The horrible fight scenes cause me to doze,

I do not think the ‘chibis’ are sooooooo cute,
If anything makes sense, it was probably a fluke

I do not like the facial expressions
Or the way the animators attempt to ‘express’ emotions

I do not like the rape/borderline rape ‘love’,
I do not like the BOOBS. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THE BOOBS JESUS CHRIST IN A GRAVITY DEFYING BRA.” — BiblioGeek

1. Semi-Pro (Weekend: $15.2 million): “Stranger Than Fiction confused the hell out of me, because I wanted to give Will Ferrell a hug at the end of it, and normally I want to beat him about the head and shoulders with a live badger.” — Smithy

“Whoever is giving Ferrell positive feedback for the crap films he’s been spewing should be hunted down, covered with honey and placed in the middle of a pasture in Alabama where the fire ants will deal with it. As others have said, since Stranger Than Fiction, we’ve known he could do better. It’s just a shame he doesn’t know it.” — lateformyfuneral

“I really miss the risk takers (Andy Kauffman, Tracy Ullman), groundbreakers (Pythons, Kids In the Hall), the I-don’t-give-a-f**kers (ha, Benny Hill, John Belushi, Bill Murray too I guess…), and the you-won’t-know-how-good-it-was-till-its-goners (Gilda Radner and John Candy too…shut up). Mind you, even dredging up the energy to provide examples of the above is exhausting.” — Replica

“I’ll never understand the appeal of Ben Stiller. He looks like a retarded ferret.” — Nicole

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Hot Twat McGriddle

The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / The Eloquents

Box Office Round-Ups | March 3, 2008 | Comments ()



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