free counter with statistics Horton Hits the Hookah | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

katebos2.jpg

Horton Hits the Hookah and Smacks Around His Ho

The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | March 31, 2008 | Comments (163)

*5. Shutter (Weekend: $5.3 million; Total: $19 million): With the box-office down precipitously from the same week last year (when Blades of Glory topped the charts with $33 million), box-office analyst — in an effort to ease studio jitters — took a page from the world of Wall Street and actually made up a movie title to round out the week’s top five. Inspired by Enron, box-office analyst invented Shutter, which is purportedly based on a J-Horror movie and stars Joshua Jackson (who is actually dead). On news that the fictional movie held on to fifth place in its second week of release, shares of 20th Century Fox’s parent company, News Corp, shot up 12 percent and gullible soon-to-be-retirees across the country sunk their entire 401(k)s into the company’s stock.

4. Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns (Weekend: $7.6 million; Total: $33 million): And speaking of frauds, the big news over the weekend was that the L.A. Times crack investigative team, embarrassed about the Tupac hoax perpetrated on them last week, doubled down and came up with the scoop of the year: Tyler Perry is actually a white man (real name: Dan Whitney) who has been posing as an African-American and mass-producing urban melodramas using a formula he picked up at the University of Phoenix to cater to the largest segment of the African-American population. When Whitney is not posing as Tyler Perry, he wears loose blue jeans and camouflage hats and mangles the English language with his catchphrase, “Git-R-Done.”

3. Superhero Movie (Weekend: $9.5 million): Apparently rendered too stupid by the previous Movie movies to make simple money transactions, millions of Americans were seen outside mall movie theaters looking at show times, staring at their wallets, and scratching their heads, wondering how to get inside. The result: Only half of the expected audience managed to pay for tickets to see Superhero Movie, while the other half eventually managed to wipe the drool away from their chins and shuffle over to Hot Dog on a (fucking) Stick in the food court and exchange blank stares for dinner, which they ate, stick and all. Meanwhile, the Weinsteins are attempting to figure out a way around the problem before releasing the next installment in the franchise, Your Ass or a Hole in the Ground Movie.

2. Horton Hears a Who (Weekend: $17.5 million; Total: $117 million): Buoyed by the success of Horton, which crossed the $100 million mark in only its third week, 20th Century Fox — taking a cue from Pajiba’s Eloquent Peanut Gallery — has decided to remake the movie for adult audiences. Horton Hits the Hookah and Smacks His Ho will be set in Southern L.A., and will feature Snoop Dog as the voice of the title character, Horton the Pimp; Beyonce as his no-talent prostitute, Heloise; and Reese Witherspoon as the buzzkill narc, Hilda. Most of the film’s running time will be devoted to watching Horton and Heloise watching Jimmy Stewart’s Harvey synced up to the Dark Side of the Moon and eating microwave burritos.

1. 21 (Weekend: $23 million): Rory Bruer, Sony’s head of distribution, expressed enthusiasm for the box-office success of 21, remarking, “What we really tried to do was to take solid source material and dumb it down for the masses, take out all the good stuff, and replace it with inoffensive, bland filler material. Really give audiences what they want, you know?” The tactic seemed to work, as attendees gave the movie a solid B grade. “My favorite part was that 21 didn’t challenge me, provoke thought, or say anything worthwhile,” said one theatergoer. “Do you know where I can find an Applebees?”

Meanwhile, responding to some confusion over the title of the movie, which was based on the book, Bringing Down the House, director Robert Luketic responded, “No, no no; the title has nothing to do with blackjack; we named it after the number of inches in Kate Bosworth’s forehead.”

Other notables: David Schwimmer’s directorial debut, Run Fat Boy Run failed to cross the finish line (*groan*), landing outside the top ten with only $2.3 million, while Ryan Phillipe’s war movie, Stop-Loss eeked out a paltry $4.5 million, good for eighth place (our review will be up later this afternoon).


* Shutter actually finished sixth, behind Drillbit Taylor, but I’m tired of making fun of Apatow. Deal.


← Superhero Movie | Flawless →



Comments

Thank God I'm not in the states now so I don't have to explain to my friends that because I read the book is EXACTLY why I don't want to see the movie. This applies to both Horton Hears a Who and Bringing Down the House/21. Ugh, and they wonder why movie profits are dwindling.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at March 31, 2008 8:18 AM

I feel like it's been quite a while now that there isn't a movie in the top five that I could be paid to see.

Posted by: Cindy at March 31, 2008 8:20 AM

The only movie here I'd pay money to see is the one mentioned in the title. Does that make me a bad person?
21 might get a netflixing, though, 'cuz Jim Sturgess makes me tingly.

Posted by: lizling at March 31, 2008 8:37 AM

This list is like a list of the most popular hookers I would never pay the money to bang. Except, the list-topping hooker isn't the best at what she does. She doesn't give the best hand-jobs, gives oral like she's eating a fudgicle, doesn't doesn't like reverse cowgirl, and NEVER dances if you ask her to do so. She only topped the list because she's been peddling her ass in everyone's face for the last 2 months. Everywhere I look...ther she is, giving a full on crotch shot on my TV. Then...the hooker with good intentions and a heart of gold (...think Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman...but you know, more elephanty) gets screwed (HA!) out of her spot on the top of the list. But even still...too many people have already enjoyed her for me to really wanna make the effort right now because I don't want to accidentally put my fingers in some gooey, unidentified substance that one of the last patrons left behind.

...Christ I hope Leatherheads isn't just another cheap whore in a gold sequin dress. I hope I at least get a decent ride and a happy ending.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 8:55 AM

...I hear Kate Bosworth lets lawn-gnomes use her forhead to practice their platform diving.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 8:58 AM

Shutter is the half Japanese/half American hooker that no one could pick out of a line-up if it ever committed a crime because there's a high population of them lately and, ya know...'They all look alike.'

Meet the Browns is the lazy hooker who just tries to get the job done but never really does anything to make you say 'Wow!' She goes about her business, asks for her money, and leaves. Cuz she knows you'll readily take it again in a few months.

And Superhero Movie is the hooker with the poo fetish who shits all over the hotel room.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 9:02 AM

I don't appreciate you assholes saying that Joshua Jackson is actually dead. it will give people the wrong FUCKING impression! assholes!

Posted by: ldldrf at March 31, 2008 9:29 AM

Uh...what PissBoy said, basically. I too am putting some jittery faith in "screwball Clooney" even though I'm indifferent to most everything else going on in the movie. Well, Jonathan Pryce certainly doesn't hurt. But there's always safer bets of new Galactica and Doctor Who next weekend at the least.

Posted by: Jay at March 31, 2008 9:32 AM

Yeah, I really hate Applebees.

Posted by: agent bedhead at March 31, 2008 9:39 AM

I was going to make a Beyonce/Reece remark vis a vis genre girl/girl action in adult movies, but the comments here are already pretty disgusting.

Carry on.

Posted by: hater from Siloam Springs at March 31, 2008 9:39 AM

ldldrf, no Joshua Jackson isn't dead. Well, just dead in the inside.

Now James VanderBeek? He's long gone. Probably in a Bratislava hostel.

And no wonder I didn't feel the need to hit my local multiplex. To use today's analogy, these aren't the high-class, expensive hookers we like out of Hollywood (those come out in summer or winter). These are the poor, ugly duckling hookers that claim they can please you...but you know they can't. They fluff you all wrong and only manage to chafe. And you know all this and still go.

Because it's the only action around.

Posted by: BFFredo at March 31, 2008 9:39 AM

I don't appreciate you assholes saying that Joshua Jackson is actually dead. it will give people the wrong FUCKING impression! assholes!

Sweet!!!! B/C-list celeb Josh Jackson lurks on Pajiba!!!!

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 9:40 AM

I'm sure Kate Bosworth is perfectly sweet but the bleached hair only adds to the illusion that she is a walking, be-lipsticked skeleton.

Posted by: AdaHaze at March 31, 2008 9:54 AM

Reese Witherspoon as the buzzkill narc, Hilda

So she'll be playing herself, essentially?

Posted by: J_Capri at March 31, 2008 9:55 AM

...Christ I hope Leatherheads isn't just another cheap whore in a gold sequin dress. I hope I at least get a decent ride and a happy ending.

There once was a geezer called Dave
Who dug up some random whore's grave
She was rotten as shit
And missing a tit
But look at the money he saved.

Pissboy, you do bring out the worst in me.

Posted by: J_Capri at March 31, 2008 9:59 AM

PissBoy your hooker analogies are superb, I completely agree with you about Shutter. I think most things could be compared to hookers - it's a literary device that needs to be used far more often.

This is highly annoying, my inner bleeding heart liberal feminist keeps telling me I should be offended by you and therefore dislike you intensely but... I just can't do it. You're too damned funny, and weirdly charming. I'm confused.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 31, 2008 10:30 AM

Yeah, I really hate Applebees.

Olive Garden is worse.

Posted by: twig at March 31, 2008 10:34 AM

Y'all do know that one of the main plot lines in Leatherheads is that there is more than one man romantically interested in Zellweger, right? My point being, despite my Clooney love, how could this be a good film? It's as if they thought "who physically is least likely to inspire a cock fight? Oh, yeah, Renee, let's go with her and it will be funny."

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 31, 2008 10:38 AM

Why is Kate Bosworth's pinky up in the air in that picture? Is she hailing a cab queen style? Is she pinky swearing she'll eat a cracker in the next week or so? Is she auditioning to be mini me? What? I'm not continuing this disgraceful thread. I won't be party to it. I have some gosh darn integrity and if all of you don't like well you're all a bunch of punfucking gobslobberers (score! got to use it!)

Posted by: LittleDead at March 31, 2008 10:38 AM

Y'all do know that one of the main plot lines in Leatherheads is that there is more than one man romantically interested in Zellweger, right?

And there we have my problem with Bridget Jones' Diary. One of my problems with Bridget Jones Diary.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 31, 2008 10:42 AM

Another one, AtO, is that more than one woman is interested in Colin Firth..

Posted by: CasKo at March 31, 2008 10:44 AM

Agreed, Alex.

Zellweger may have moderately ok acting skills, but she did fall out of the ugly tree and hit every prune-faced branch.

Posted by: Trouble at March 31, 2008 10:47 AM

ATO:

My problem with Bridget Jones Diary is that it exists.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 31, 2008 10:47 AM

It's as if they thought "who physically is least likely to inspire a cock fight?

Well, Kate in that picture completely wins that contest over the Zellweger. That's the most unattractive picture I've ever seen of her. But while I do quite like that new InStyle cover, the stills of "Leatherheads" all look very squintypucker. *sigh* I wish I cared about Krasinski too so I'd feel safer. I know you don't *have* to look like that, Renee, so therefore it comes off as intentional. What is your problem?

Posted by: Jay at March 31, 2008 10:52 AM

PaddyDog: Well there's always that.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 31, 2008 10:52 AM

CasKo I know more than one woman in real life who is interested in Colin Firth. I don't get the appeal, but to some ladies out there he is a hot load of British sex on legs.

Frankly, Renee was at her most appealing in Bridget Jones's Diary. She still had the pucker-face, but at least she had some curves on her. In her current skeletal form, I'm not really sure what about her is supposed to be attractive to men. I'll probably still see Leatherheads though. Clooney/Krasinski isn't quite as good at Clooney/Pitt, but I'll take it.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at March 31, 2008 10:53 AM

Since I'm being forced to see Horton Hires a Hitman to Kill a Hobo with a Hooka tomorrow with my grandmom, I will be sure to inject the image of him banging a hooker in as many scenes as possible, lest I kill myself by swallowing an entire box of Milkduds at once.

Leatherheads better be charming and full of footbally goodness, or I will kill John Krasisnki myself...and then molest his pretty pretty corpse.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 10:53 AM

AtO... I know why I don't offend you. Because you KNOW I say nothing maliciously. I can make fun of anything and everything, and believe about 1.6% of my own bullshit remarks. I'm like a stand-up comic who just thinks something twisted is pretty effing funny when you get to the heart of it, so i joke about it. You are the crowd member that reacts with the "OOOooooooo snap!.....hahahahahahahahahaha!!"

There's all of that...and the fact that i really am charming. It's weird.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 10:55 AM

Alex the Odd...with reference to what you said about PissBoy's comments....

I couldn't agree with you more...

Posted by: tamara at March 31, 2008 10:57 AM

Genny I concur on La Firth, not my particular cup of tea but I do know some ladies that he makes melty.

I'd say Renee is at her most appealing in Empire Records, she does look better in BJD than in her current incarnation though. I remember once watching Chicago (shut up, I've always wanted to play Velma only one small problem: I can't sing for shit) and thinking "Hey, she actually looks OK, I don't know what all the fuss is about" - then I realised I was watching a non-widescreen format movie on a widescreen TV meaning that the picture was horrendously horizontally stretched. Not good.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 31, 2008 10:58 AM

Another one, AtO, is that more than one woman is interested in Colin Firth

I sympathize with your contrariness, but you're gonna go crazy if you don't come to an acceptance.

At the very least you're gonna say something like that in mixed company and get a beatdown. I'm not saying I can explain it. I'm saying I used to work in a store that sold the BBC "Pride and Prejudice". That was an eye-opener. I'd rather it was Martin Freeman getting the attention, but I can't control these things.

Posted by: Jay at March 31, 2008 10:59 AM

PissBoy: That is absolutely true, and the same reason I can forgive my lovely boy flatmate a lot of the crap he says: he's just trying to be funny, bless him and he really doesn't mean it.

Although with you I think it might be the pyrotechnics obsession. I don't know why. It just works for me.

Also: Martin Freeman: Awwwwww so much love!

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 31, 2008 11:02 AM

I'd say Renee is at her most appealing in Empire Records

I know! Though she overacted quite a bit, I thought she was cute.

PissBoy's offensive? His comments make me feel as if I were given a sponge bath in holy water by the Pope while eating Communion crackers on Good Friday after the tiny lady from Poltergeist has blessed my house.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 11:07 AM

Martin Freeman: Awwwwww so much love!

Aww. Even his name makes me smile. I love him ever so much.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 11:08 AM

:) Serious question though Alex...what in my comment is there for feminist anger? I really don't say anything degrading about women. (Not lookig to start anything with this question...Just looking to avoid bile-filled lashings in the future should I go too far and just maybe to let you all into my head a little more. The colors are AWESOME in here!)

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 11:11 AM

And ditto to BJD: I don't know why that has to be stunt weight, she DID look her best. Sad sad sad.

And Alex, have you heard Martin read the Hitchhiker's books? His Zaphod Beeblebrox IV is a thing of beauty.

I *want* to say something on topic but I didn't see any of those five movies. Ummmm, okay...I do like Applebee's. AND the Olive Garden. AND Chili's. I've got nothing against middlebrow food. The movies can give me pause though.

Posted by: Jay at March 31, 2008 11:16 AM

Really Julie?

I'd say they make me feel like it's 4am on a Sunday morning and I've just woken up in a strange room with a throbbing headache, smudged eyeliner and only the vaguest idea how I got there: confused, dirty and eminently satisfied.

Nothing particularly feminist anger inducing (except for the whole hooker thing which some people could have a problem with if they were in a bored and nitpicky enough mood, although I am not one of them as I'm pro the sex industry if properly monitored) but my inner feminist gets angry and confused about a lot of things. She rarely dusts off her soapbox for comments on an internet movie review site though ;)

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 31, 2008 11:16 AM

except for the whole hooker thing which some people could have a problem with if they were in a bored and nitpicky enough mood, although I am not one of them as I'm pro the sex industry if properly monitored

I know girls who, when guys talk about things like hookers and banging and discuss sexual acts in a blunt nature, they immediately get offended...I think they assume that the women are being treated as nothing but, well, dick receptacles. Hence the anger.

Me? I just think that shit is funny, because it's obviously not coming from a hateful place, it's coming from having a warped sense of humor where nothing is sacred. That's why me and my friends get along so well. We're all sickos.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 11:22 AM

Absolutely Julie my group of female friends are waaay cruder than the guys I know (although a few of us do have hair triggers about some things so maybe the guys are just watching what they say - in semi related news my group of friends has somehow gotten the opinion that I am completely unromantic and anti-marriage. This makes me sad.)... of course my other group of female friends are no sex before marraige having, two years to work up to hand-holding, not taking the lord's name in vain good girls. Sometimes I forget who I'm talking to. Which can be amusing.

Posted by: Alex the odd at March 31, 2008 11:27 AM

Alex, I know a girl (a friend of my roommate) who thinks that both blow-jobs and doggie style sex are demeaning to women. And she's not kidding. We had an alcohol induced arguement over this a few years ago, and there was no convincing her that if you let a guy do you from behind you're letting him treat you like a lower life form who is nothing but a hole. ...I feel sorry for her boyfriend.

It is almost impossible to offend me, I just think that life is too fucking short to spend my time gasping in horror letting my monocle fall into my tea and crumpets.

Heh. Crumpet.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 11:36 AM

I am also impossible to offend, having had mostly guy friends starting in junior high. I think it's part of what makes me so well-rounded and charming....and also able to make a group of Marines blush.

Count me in the group who love Colin Firth. I'm getting a bit tingly just thinking about him. Oh, wait, no that's my phone set on vibrate.

Posted by: feramones at March 31, 2008 11:53 AM

Ugh [insert eyeroll here] everything can be demeaning if you're doing it when you're not into it. I think being fed cheesecake could be demeaning if it was done right (wrong? whatever). But insisting that every time someone ate cheesecake it was demeaning just because it had the potential to be in certain situations (I'm hungry, forgive the analogy)? That's crazy talk. Silly friend-of-your-roommate.

Let's all take a deep breath and sing the song of "Personal Choice as a Consenting Adult" it's a fun song, with a catchy tune!

I'm not easily offended provided there's no vicious intent behind whatever's being said. I certainly don't get all het up over what people choose to do in their bedrooms. I get angry with outright ignorance about certain topics (no I'm not changing my name out of obligation when I get married, fuck off) but that may be because I'm a gobby cow who loves nothing more than to get all lecturey *shrug* just another reason I'm destined for the teaching profession - they have no choice but to listen to me. Muahahahahahah!!!!

OK, I'm officially stopping co-opting this thread for my own amusement. Back on topic: Yeah, you couldn't pay me to see any of the movies listed in the round-up. That makes me kind of sad.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 31, 2008 11:55 AM

Stop-Loss eeked out a paltry $4.5 million, good for eighth place

Once again, hate to be random grammar/syntax cop but...

It's eked. Not eeked. That one always makes my teeth itch.

Posted by: Sean at March 31, 2008 11:56 AM

I'm hard to offend, but I did have an ex who engaged in PissBoy style humor and every so often I'd have to throw him the eyebrow. And it was usually about the point where even he was like "yeah, that was just a step too far". The baby thing in the Pajiba Love thread rubbed me the wrong way, but mostly because a horrible thing did happen to an innocent child, and so the timing was off. Had it come under different circumstances, I probably wouldn't have minded it at all.

But yeah, life is too short to take yourself or most issues too seriously.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at March 31, 2008 12:04 PM

Let's all take a deep breath and sing the song of "Personal Choice as a Consenting Adult" it's a fun song, with a catchy tune!

Hee! My favorite part of that song is the chorus:

We can all have fun in the beeeeedroom!
Be it by oral sex, spanking, and the like...
We can all have fun in the beeeeedroom!
So calm the shit down and stop making blanket statements about other people's sexual proclivities some people love to give head and get banged from behind you uptight hose beast!
...dee dee doo!

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 12:07 PM

Uhh...Julie, to which tune does this song go?

Posted by: Sarina at March 31, 2008 12:11 PM

Well, that explains it. (It = my love for PissBoy.)

Usually, I'm the one getting thrown "The Look" for taking things way too far. In fact, my sense of humor lies about 10 degrees past the 'not funny' point. Most people rarely get there to join me, thus my love.

Hey PissB, I love you!!!

Posted by: boo at March 31, 2008 12:12 PM

"uptight hose beast"

And you too, Julie. I love you dearly.

Posted by: boo at March 31, 2008 12:13 PM

Sarina...I have no idea. The theme from Rocky?

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 12:13 PM

Okay. I just wanted to know which tune I should be humming in my head.

Also, boo, where do you keep your shrine? Is it right smack in the middle of the living room, or do you prefer to worship in private, say in a closet or something? Although in a closet would suck up a lot of valuable storage space. Do you rent a loft, maybe? That's what I'd do. Maybe even a warehouse space.

Posted by: Sarina at March 31, 2008 12:17 PM

Sarina: It's in the kitchen. It's kinda messy, and my current house doesn't have a garage or a mud room, so I went with the kitchen. Easy clean up, and I can see it several times a day.

My husband, as usual, thinks I'm crazy.

Until I say the words "Internet Friends." Then he just shakes his head and walks away.


I LOVE MY LIFE.

Posted by: boo at March 31, 2008 12:20 PM

Julie, I think by calling it something like Horton Hangs With A Hooker and Hires a Hitman to Kill a Hobo with a Hooka you might be getting yourself (and the rest of us) unfairly subconciously psyched.
Unless you're ACTUALLY going to see a movie called that. In which case ... take me with you? I'll bake you cookies!

Posted by: lizling at March 31, 2008 12:24 PM

I see your point boo, but I need drains in the floor of all my shrines. That way I can just hose the place down. You know, when the messy stuff is done. I'm not made of time, I can't be scrubbing that place Cinderella style with a sponge and a bucket.

Posted by: Sarina at March 31, 2008 12:24 PM

Boo has a locket with a picture of PB in his Eyore costume and a few strands of her hair.

The voodoo will work if you just believe Boo.

...and I love you too. Especially when you get all Caps Locky about being ignored by your internet crush.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 12:25 PM

Julie, quit bringing up the Eeyore thing. People will ask questions, and then he'll have to tell the heartwarming story of how he was visiting sickly tiny tots. IN COSTUME. I mean c'mon, PissBoy's got a rep to protect, and fuzzy outfits from the 100 Acre Wood just tarnish the shine of dastardly badass.

Posted by: Sarina at March 31, 2008 12:31 PM

In which case ... take me with you? I'll bake you cookies!

Oooh!! Please come with us and spike them with something hallucinogenic and/or toxic...I love my grandmom, and I am happy to spend extra time with her now that my grandfather is gone, but DUDE. Not HORTON.

At least I was busy the night that her and my sister saw the Chipmunks movie. That would have been the end of my sanity.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 12:32 PM

every so often I'd have to throw him the eyebrow

Hee! I totally do that too! Or a slow intake of breath through the teeth while looking away and towards the floor. Poor boy-flatmate gets the brunt of it because he's pretty much the only male I converse with while sober. If I had actually tried reprimanding the ex Mr TheOdd for the uncool things he said I'm pretty sure I'd be looking into heavy duty wrinkle-reducing creams right now, he really was a racist, anti-women, homophobic cunt a lot of the time. Good drinking buddy though.

Boo, I'm slightly scared by the images of your shrine. I get the "head shaking wandering off" response from my flatmates too. In fact I have to pretend that I know people's actual names for it to seem less weird - apparently you are now named Rebecca.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 31, 2008 12:37 PM

In fact I have to pretend that I know people's actual names for it to seem less weird

HA!! I was telling my best friend about our insect discussions the other day and I realized how stupid I sound when referencing people's internet handles.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 12:42 PM

Julie, Grandma is an old lady who loves kiddie movies? That's fierce.
For real, it could be worse. Hello, bingo night.

Posted by: lizling at March 31, 2008 12:50 PM

Olive Garden is worse.

Posted by: twig at March 31, 2008 10:34 AM

Olive Garden is an insult to the digestive tract. It is the dumbing down of one of the world's best cuisines into mass-produced schlock that any village idiot with can of pasta sauce and some overcooked noodles can make.

In short, I hate, loathe, and despise Olive Garden.

Leatherheads better be good as it may be the only movie that I will pay good money to see in a theater this year. I will watch the Clooney in just about anything, including Intolerable Cruelty.

Posted by: Melody at March 31, 2008 1:02 PM

Bridget Jones' Diary is not that bad. The book isn't anyway. The book was pared down some in the first movie, but the second has nothing in common with the book. The "liberties" that the writers of the movie took with the source material are ridiculous and destroyed what otherwise could have been a fun, easy chick-flick.

I like BJD. I can also enjoy some Hugh Grant acting like an ass, so that may explain it.

Posted by: Melody at March 31, 2008 1:05 PM

Lizling, it could be worse. Her and Pat (my grandfather) used to take me and my sister line-dancing. :)

Though to their credit, the line-dancing was at an old church in Philly with a cool graveyard, so I would dance as much as I had to and then escape outside where I would then read every headstone, many of which were from the 1800's. I was a morbid child...though I do still love a good cemetery.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 1:10 PM

:::Hugs boo:::

See. I'm glad I'm understood here. I gots much love fo'sho fa allayall!

And think of my baby recipe as Jonathan Swift A Modest Proposal style humor...hence the wine and pallet references. But also because my first thought was 'A microwave is no way to cook a baby!'

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 1:12 PM

The Joshua Jackson is Dead joke is not funny. It's horrible karma.

Posted by: Ling at March 31, 2008 1:13 PM

"...blow-jobs and doggie style sex are demeaning to women..."

I love you, Julie

So I obviously came into this discussion way late...but what the heck. It's been weeks since I've felt the need to see a movie in theatres...and that makes me sad. I thought the point to movies was to make them appealing? Well, obviously they are...to some...I was hoping they'd make them appealing to those of us with...oh, I don't know...taste?

PissBoy is the man. Anyone who can rock an Eeyore costume amongst bikers is tops in my book. And his comments are funny. My group of friends actually have the same kind of humor, off by several degrees and extremely irreverent (my one buddy had an entire repertoire of dead baby jokes he'd mouth off at whimuntil we finally cured him of it...now he only does it when the situation calls for it). In fact, I'm usually the one giving them the eyebrow look.

What can I say...there are times when joking on someone's mom and their dog locked in the bathroom while the shower's running is not cool...you gotta sort these things out...

My shrine to Julie's in the bedroom....within easy access. No worries...leather cleans easily...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2008 1:16 PM

Joshua Jackson is dead. I read it on some webpage one time so it's gotta be true! I need to REACT NOW!!!!

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 1:18 PM

Congratualtions, ladies.

You have detroyed the last vestiges of the female mystique that has plagued my consciousness for years.

I will never be the same again.

Posted by: Vermillion at March 31, 2008 1:19 PM

Oh grandparents...

I remember my grandpa's idea of quality time was making me sit and watch WWE (back when it was WWF) before I went to play outside in the crumbling foundation of an old house or the rusting 1900's farm equipment on the side of the highway. Practicing wrestling moves with all my cousins in those spots were always more entertaining.

Posted by: Wormer at March 31, 2008 1:20 PM

Noo!! PissBoyI also heard that the Pope, Eugene Levy, Frank Oz, someone's cat, and a lot of people's collective senses of humor are dead. Flame war!

Shadows, water-based lube is a bitch to get out of leather. Just saying :)

And I love dead baby jokes. And Helen Keller jokes. They are my two favorite genres, I can't help it...my sister has an arsenal of them, and I die laughing every time. They make me feel so dirty.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 1:25 PM

OK, I'm scrambling at work today so a few quick thoughts:

1. I kind of like the Olive Garden.

2. Julie, you may think you and your girl friends are cruder than your guy friends, but that's only because your guy friends don't really tell you what they talk about. Trust me.

3. Pissboy, you have seriously elevated your already exceptional game today.

4. Cheeseburger-flavored Combos, which I just tried today, are so awful I want to scour my mouth with Comet.

5. I love you all.

6. Joshua Jackson is NOT dead, you guys. Stop being so mean. He WAS dead, but now he is playing "zombie-in-the-barrel" to my zombie army. What can I say? They have urges beyond flesh-eating.

Later gators.

Posted by: TK at March 31, 2008 1:28 PM

Oooh, Melody:

I have to disagree. I hated the BJD book. If Fielding was aiming for a clever updated Pride and Prejudice she missed the mark completely by misunderstanding her main characters and the point of the original book, if she was trying to do something else, then she shouldn't have used P&P hints to lure readers into thinking another Clueless had been born.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 31, 2008 1:30 PM

Who needs lube?

Dead baby jokes are great...but after the tenth one in a row....it starts to get kind gross without any payoff. Besides, religious jokes / dead jesus jokes are much more controversial and guaranteed to have a reaction from the masses around us. Especially on religious days.

I kinda like the Olive Garden too. They have great bread and salads. Other than that, though, the price isn't worth the "service" or "quality". If I'm gonna do italian (agreed, the best cuisine in the world), then I hit Carrabas.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2008 1:33 PM

In all the Olive Garden hate, I think the evil that is Outback has been lurking unseen in the shadows. Beware people, it is out there.....

Posted by: gunter at March 31, 2008 1:35 PM

Did I miss the announcement that today's comment queen wins an official Leatherheads t-shirt?

Y'all are killing me.

Posted by: Cindy at March 31, 2008 1:36 PM

Hee, yes dead baby jokes are only good in small doses. My room in hell definitely does not have an ocean view.

I'm not a fan of the Olive Garden either...I like their salad, but the food is just so meh.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 1:37 PM

4. Cheeseburger-flavored Combos, which I just tried today...

WOW. That sounds like it would be orgasmic rapture to the Nth degree as it would hit my tongue and dance around in my mouth...an orgy for my tastebuds if you will.

But...now it sounds like it tastes more like week-old orgy leavins' squeegeed off of plexiglass at the spank shack. But hey...at least it still has the crunchy, pretzel crust! Yay Combos!

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 1:40 PM

I love me some Italian food (I had this amazing chicken stuffed with asparagus pasta thing on Saturday night at a cute BYO), but my favorite cuisine is probably Thai. I say probably because I will change my mind in 15 seconds.

Did I miss the announcement that today's comment queen wins an official Leatherheads t-shirt?

Heh. Now I want to elect one of the Pajiboys as queen of the day.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 1:42 PM

Did I miss the announcement that today's comment queen wins an official Leatherheads t-shirt?"

Oooh...I must have missed that one too! I want one! We're just freely expressing ourselves on a medium that allows such an exchange to happen.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2008 1:43 PM

I just peed a little when I hit Refresh and see that WIMB has made it official. Josh Jackson is no longer of this earth.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 1:43 PM

2. Julie, you may think you and your girl friends are cruder than your guy friends, but that's only because your guy friends don't really tell you what they talk about. Trust me.

Oh LORD TK is a tease. Now I want to know. I need to know.

I love the phrase "spank shack." I love anything paired with the word shack, it always sounds so funny.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 1:44 PM

Outback Steakhouse? Really?

Too expensive to go there more than once in a dog's age - and it's a steak. Put it over some fire, make sure it's still bleeding, put it on a plate.

I suppose I could mention Taco Bell but that's kind of in another level and then I'd have to say something about Long John Silvers and holy god, never again. Never, ever again.

Posted by: twig at March 31, 2008 1:49 PM

Twig: Somehow they manage to ruin steak - not sure how - is unholy mystery on equal plain as the Trinity.

Posted by: gunter at March 31, 2008 1:57 PM

Call me a glutton...but Outback gets a free pass for life for having steak, and the Bloomin Onion. That thing is a wonder of modern cuisine...a masterpiece of achievement in culinary arts. I've eaten two of them, by myself, and still wanted more.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2008 1:57 PM

I understand people being pissed about Josh Jackson, but that header isn't funny at all.

Posted by: Brie at March 31, 2008 2:01 PM

YOU ARE GUYS ASSHOLES! STOP FUCKING PCIKING ON JOSH! THE HELL DID HE DO TO YOU!

Posted by: pattty at March 31, 2008 2:03 PM

He stole Joey from me!!

[sobs]

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 2:07 PM

bark.

bark! bark! bark!

BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!!!!!

bark!

bark.

Posted by: boo at March 31, 2008 2:08 PM

Boo, you slay me. I just peed a little.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 2:09 PM

Meow.

Posted by: Cindy at March 31, 2008 2:12 PM

I've eaten two of them, by myself, and still wanted more.

I would pay to watch that. I'm not a big onion fan myself, but I used to ferry lunch for the higher-ups when i worked in Texas, and they'd always order them from Texas Land and Cattle.

Fresh battered onion and dipping sauce is one of the best smells in the world.

Posted by: twig at March 31, 2008 2:13 PM

"YOU ARE GUYS ASSHOLES! STOP FUCKING PCIKING ON JOSH! THE HELL DID HE DO TO YOU!"

Whoa...calm down there, Mighty Duckling. Listen, much as we may joke about the all-powerful sorcery of our collective evil and whatnot, no one in this joint actually possesses the metaphysical ability to kill Joshua Jackson with our mind. So take a deep breath and a puff off your Xanax inhaler, and it'll be okay. Now pick up your Hello Kitty pen and write him an emotionally moving letter on your teddy bear stationary, telling him all about how you saved his life with the strength of your eternal devotion. He'll be thrilled, I'm sure.

Posted by: Sarina at March 31, 2008 2:14 PM

Well, Long John Silver's/Captain D's is Jay Seafood. That is, I like fish n chips (with plenty of malt vinegar), and in a classier place fried calamari, but that's it. I'd never had crab in my life and then tried some crab salad and realized I'd been right to avoid it.

But OH do I love the LJS/CD!!

I appreciate the craft and architecture of the Bloomin Onion, but it looks like it would taste like those crispy onions they put on green bean casserole rather than an onion ring, and I hate those Durkee's bastards as I do most every form of onion. But again, very appealing design. We went to Carabba's for our branch holiday outing and I had this club sandwich salad that was completely insane and amazing. And massive.

I scored points with the cute comparative lit TA when I referenced Elvis Costello's "Pills and Soap" in my "Modest Proposal" paper. She misspoke "blood and chocolate" meaning to say "blood oranges" during the class the next week then pointed me out. Oh I was proud. Knew that was as far as I would get, but it was still good. I can't vouch for dropping his name nowadays. I was also proud when my Morrissey-dubious freshman English teacher was very amused by "I Don't Mind If You Forget Me" when I chose to analyze it. I think she was married though, but it was still a victory.

Right, I should be doing those ILLs right about now.

Posted by: Jay at March 31, 2008 2:15 PM

"...no one in this joint actually possesses the metaphysical ability to kill Joshua Jackson with our mind..."

Speak for yourself...

[eyes shiftily looking from side to side]

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2008 2:16 PM

Jesus, Shadows, could you at least make a token effort to go along with my outrageous lies?

Posted by: Sarina at March 31, 2008 2:21 PM

I can tie in Olive Garden and a Grandma story!

I am not a fan of Olive Garden at all (if I want Italian I have three options: 1.) make it my damn self 2.) Go to Carrabas for friendly service and better food 3.) or go to Maggiano's if I want really awesome "chain restaurant Italian" food). But recently, my grandmother had her birthday and wanted to eat somewhere that she knew a lot of people would like and so she picked Olive Garden. And because I'm a good little granddaughter I kept my mouth shut and did everything I could to make sure she had a good birthday (including handling a very, very rude manager that got pissed-off when she and I showed up an hour early to let them know our party of 13 would be arriving an hour later, so we would sit there to make sure they knew we were coming. He was like Bill Lumbergh from Office Space except snarkier and ruder and with a lot more side remarks to MY GRANDMOTHER ON HER FREAKING BIRTHDAY... Wow, total sidetracked rant).

Anyway, she thought my birthday card was hilarious and I ate their "new apricot chicken" dish whatever. It was surprisingly really decent.

And I love breadsticks.

But yea, none of these movies look good and Bank Job was awesome, why isn't that getting high numbers? Eh, eh, eh?

And sweet Lord in heaven, if Leatherheads isn't at least decent like the apricot chicken at Olive Garden... well, it will be a sad, sad day taking down the shrine in my heart to Mr. Krasinski.

Posted by: Kayanne at March 31, 2008 2:23 PM

If you Pajibans try to kill Pacey with your mind, you have to come through me.

Posted by: coveredinbees at March 31, 2008 2:23 PM

Jay:

Blasphemy! Clearly you've never tasted real fish n chips if you think LJS gets it right. To date, I've only found two places in North America that do get it right, one of them is in Vancouver and I can't remember the name. The other is called Assault and Battery in Greenwich Village in NYC. Other than that, you're going to have to cross the ocean, but TAKE NOTE: ask for haddock or plaice. Cod is horribly over-fished and needs to be avoided for the sake of the ocean and all of its inhabitants.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 31, 2008 2:27 PM

"21" is not the width of Kate Bosworth's forehead, it's the circumference of her waist. Don't get it twisted, people.

Posted by: Kris at March 31, 2008 2:29 PM

I love A Modest Proposal, I should reread that sometime soon.

...after I finish rereading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, of course*. I have my priorities.

*My college honors thesis advisor just heard that and wept. I love making nuns cry.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 2:30 PM

"If you Pajibans try to kill Pacey with your mind, you have to come through me."

Look, I actually like Joshua Jackson, but you have to admit the guy's been zombie surfing the coat tails of a dessicated career for a number of years now. I can't kill what's already dead, not even with my murderous mind.

Posted by: Sarina at March 31, 2008 2:31 PM

We're doing a good thing by putting him down now before he makes Skulls 6: Pacey's Return.

'Sides...TK'd probably be upset if we took his toy away...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2008 2:34 PM

Call me a glutton...but Outback gets a free pass for life for having steak, and the Bloomin Onion. That thing is a wonder of modern cuisine...a masterpiece of achievement in culinary arts. I've eaten two of them, by myself, and still wanted more.

Shadows, don't forget that Outback is also the proud owner of what Men's Health (yes, I read it) as the most unhealthy dish in America. That dish is the glory and wonder of Aussie Cheese Fries. Screw the Onion thing and give me Cheese Fries. 2900 calories of gooey, warm, bacon and cheese covered deliciousness.

Now I want some. Dammit.

Posted by: Melody at March 31, 2008 2:37 PM

Kayanne, that manager is a douche and should have a breadstick shoved up his ass sideways.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 2:39 PM

Paddy, just think of it this way: I already love the mediocre version and the slightly upper class versions you see sometimes (though it does seem silly that "nice" restaurants would offer it, but it's like a kids menu option for me), but I don't profess that it's the pinnacle (see: chain Italian food as well). Oh I wouldn't front like that! Don't worry. I, of course, appreciate the recommendations and do sympathize with the overworked cod.

OH! You just reminded me.

When I was in England I passed up several opportunities for several vendors because, hey, I'll be here all week! Suddenly it's my last full day there. I leave the planetarium and start nosing around Baker Street and I'm not finding anything. I ask the doorman of a nearby hotel and he tells me there's a cafe a little up the street. I sit down and order and I get my food on a plate. This is not "fish n chips", this is breaded fish and french fries that I make for myself. I am not feeling the jolly olde England tradition here. I blame myself for waiting and sadly think the Rose and Crown pub in EPCOT was so much better than this.

(Manhattan Coffee Company made me choke down laughter. There was a sign inside saying "this is how the modern coffeehouses look in America" and they had totally nailed everything, all the dark wood and Torani syrups and such, but it was so bizarre being like the reverse of said EPCOT restaurant. Not that I felt derisive, but it was so weird that it was hilarious. I felt guilty as an American that Starbucks was in Soho, and that I went in. I've visited very sparingly since then).

Dammit, stop giving me things I can go on and on about! Or uh, maybe I should get up and walk away. Yeah, that's it!

Posted by: Jay at March 31, 2008 2:40 PM

Paddy:

You make good points about the book. It has been so long since I read Pride and Prejudice that I am not making the connections between the two. I would not argue that the book is a literary masterpiece, but it was serviceable for a cheap beach/summer read a few years ago.

I am going to have to add Pride and Prejudice to my reading queue. It will have to go after Gone With The Wind as that has been designated as summer reading for quite some time.

Posted by: Melody at March 31, 2008 2:42 PM

Julie,

Thank you. That particular image is going to have me giggling through my entire late afternoon class... which happens to deal with the study of death, which could be wildly inappropriate, but what the hell, it's a upper-level general studies course, we're supposed to "explore different types of studies and our own emotions."

However, I think allowing classes on how to properly insert a breadstick into a dickwad's ass would prepare me better for my particular future. Hey, it's a liberal arts college, someone should want to teach it.

But my grandmother is totally kick ass and was like, "Whatever, I'm not gonna let a grumpy manager ruin my birthday." Besides, she so thoroughly enjoyed going to The Cheesecake Factory for the first time in her life that afternoon with my mom and me, no Olive Garden bad attitude could possibly ruin it.

I swear there's magic in Cheesecake Factory. It makes many things good and whole.

But yea, Olive Garden breadsticks are too soft and warm to be an effective stupid manager weapon. Maybe one of their wine bottles?

Haha... yea, that'll do nicely.

Posted by: Kayanne at March 31, 2008 2:48 PM

Hee hee...Kayanne, the breadstick would be too gentle, do you think a jug of Riunite Lambrusco would suffice? :)

I've never been to the Cheesecake Factory...or Outback Steakhouse. Or Long John Silvers.

God Paddy, now I'm craving some authentic fish and chips...I had no clue as to the glories of vinegar as a condiment until I went to Ireland.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 2:52 PM

Would it be weird if I took this opportunity to confess that my weird Pajiba-lurker crush on BSlim is waning as I turn my affections to Julie? I think it is but I'll say it anyways. (Speaking of which: I made fish and chips a few nights ago! Like, actually made it from scratch. A total bangin' success, if I do say so myself.)
Pissboy, the phrase "week-old orgy leavin's" put me well and truly off my feed. Congratulations! And well done.

Posted by: Lizling at March 31, 2008 3:06 PM

I read somewhere on some website that Josh Jackson was dead, was a Communist sympathizer, ate meat on Friday, blew a bull elephant to get his role in Mighty Ducks, has a third nipple, is left handed, and wore brown shoes with a black shirt. Josh Jackson is no llonger of this earth for many reaons. This is all true. I read it on the netz.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 3:07 PM

Julie:

Vinegar-soaked chips rule! You what else is great? Chips with curry sauce. And you know who will be having both this time next week? ME.
I'll think of you fondly as I dig in.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 31, 2008 3:13 PM

[shuffle shuffle shuffle]

*BRAAAAAAAIIIIINNNSSSSSSSSS!!!!!*

*guuuuuuuhhhhhhhh*

Posted by: Zombie Joshua Jackson at March 31, 2008 3:18 PM

Hee hee...Kayanne, the breadstick would be too gentle, do you think a jug of Riunite Lambrusco would suffice? :)

Yea, that sounds about right... I'd say "make it a double," but my grandmother successful thwarted his attempts to be a total tool but just letting it not bother her. But I swear, if she'd pouted just one bit about his meanie-pants attitude... I soooo would have filled out a comment card. Oh yea, I said it, power of the consumer, bitches.

I've never been to the Cheesecake Factory...

That is sad, sad, sad news indeed. Imagine a place where almost any cheesecake you could possible imagine is held, where there are all types of foods... from fabulous pizza, wonderful salads, giant entrees, to big heapin' sammiches... and where all of the severs are funny/polite/awesome. And the decor is kind of fascinating, too...

It's a double-plus good place.

Posted by: Kayanne at March 31, 2008 3:19 PM

I'm worried about this incontinence problem among some of you ladies. Keigle exercises are in order. I too used to pee myself when I laughed too hard but then repeated tickle torture by my two older brothers forced me to control it.

The only movie on this list I've seen is Horton Hears a Who. I'd never read the book as a kid but know How the Grinch Stole Christmas off by heart... and the fact that Whoville is no larger than a spec... BLEW MY MIND!

Posted by: Popsi_zen at March 31, 2008 3:20 PM

and wore brown shoes with a black shirt.

Ha ha ha! Such a travesty.

Lizling, if you make me some of those fish and chips I'll make it (singsongy) worth your while (/singsongy).

I've always wondered about curry sauce...yum. Enjoy Paddy, you evil woman.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 3:22 PM

Lizling, if you make me some of those fish and chips I'll make it (singsongy) worth your while (/singsongy).

Hey....HEY...what's this? What's going on...[reads over earlier comments]...oh....k, carry on.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2008 3:26 PM

Get hip, Dakaron. Fish & chips. It's the newest street slang.
And by "street" I mean "obsessive refresh-hitters."

Posted by: lizling at March 31, 2008 3:31 PM

Paddy - You are referencing my hometown, babe! And you got it right - the BEST Vancouver Fish and Chips WAS on Thurlow and Robson (now squeezed out by insanity in rental markets), but the fiercest contender is now 'Go Fish' right on the docks at Granville Island. If you are ever out here, just jump on one of the ubiquitous tour buses and you're there. In fact, if you are of a fishy bent - my town just has the best of everything - Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Seafood, and yea, even Italian.
YUM!

Posted by: replica at March 31, 2008 3:38 PM

Unfortunately, that's where I get off the British Isles train, when you all break out the curry. Another scary England experience: there's like 12 of us in Liverpool and it is decided almost unanimously that we're going to have dinner at a Tandoori house. I had water. I know I'm the anomaly though. Course I was in a "what's my crush doin with HIM?" mood anyway, but I tried to just be blank instead of sulky. Made the bitter later on that much more effective though.

CAN'T ever praise that breakfast enough though. Plus Paddy and Julie have strengthened my need to get to Ireland as well. I move slow on these things, but it's on the list! Who cares about the continent? All I want is to go to Oktoberfest.

Posted by: Jay at March 31, 2008 4:07 PM

isn't Fish and Chips the new slang for bi-sexual orgies? As in, "Boy did I got my fill of fish and chips last night!!"

Posted by: JP at March 31, 2008 4:08 PM

I'm intrigued, JP...

Mmmm....Olive Garden breadsticks and a Bloomin Onion...yeah, I missed lunch, so what?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2008 4:14 PM

FUCK ALL OF YOU JOSH HATERS! WHAT THE FUCK DID HE FUCKING DO TO YOU WHO PATHETIC WASTE OF SPACE! YOU REALLY HURT ME YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! I HATE ALL OF YOU!

Posted by: Playe at March 31, 2008 4:23 PM

JP, just be sure to clean up after yourself, and don't leave the "orgy leavin's" for someone to scrape up a week later. Right, Pissboy?

Posted by: lizling at March 31, 2008 4:25 PM

I love flamers because, next to them, I look eloquent and thoughtful.

Posted by: lizling at March 31, 2008 4:27 PM

My question about the folks who scream about us being assholes for making fun of Josh Jackson, or that tool from Supernatural, or any other teen idol is...

How do they FIND us? I mean, this ain't Tiger Beat. I can't imagine they're regular readers. Do they have some weird psychic brain trigger that tells them "SOMEONE IS TALKING SHIT ABOUT OUR BELOVED PACEY?!" Do they hand them out in Junior High?

I'm quite puzzled. Also, Playe, it's worth noting that Pacey is dead and sucks dicks in Hell.

Posted by: TK at March 31, 2008 4:33 PM

I'm quite puzzled. Also, Playe, it's worth noting that Pacey is dead and sucks dicks in Hell.

Bwa!

[shhhh. TK, you'll wake the sleeping crazies.]

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 4:35 PM

Relax Playe, Josh Jackson can't be dead. He just tried to felch me at a truckstop over the weekend. I'm not actually into guys so I turned him down. Then he called me a cocktease. Something about motioning him with my feat while in a stall. Is it my fault I had a stuck kernel and had to use all the leverage I could get?
Thanks for the advice Lizling, but I come from the Dexter School of Bodily Fluid Management. Lots of saran wrap.

Posted by: JP at March 31, 2008 4:36 PM

Hehe...they have dedicated 15 year old girls who send out alerts on their iPhones to all their friends, and they do web-searches once an hour to make sure none of their teen idols are being defamed...

Once the enemy is found, a world-wide casting call is sent out from myspace.com that includes the link, and they all take turns spamming the offenders into comatose idiocy with trolling comments and 14-minute sweeps of all links to the original links. The reason why we haven't experienced such site-boggling hysteria is because we use big words and complex phrases here...so they have to spend their time sounding out the words and looking them up at dictionary.com. Usually in groups of 6 or more.

After the first three hours of confusion, one of them panics and simply logs in a complaint/insult/trollish comment, just to make sure everybody knows that their presence is felt. Of course, this does nothing more than confuse the rest of them more, since they now have to include the impatient sister's comment into their comment assignments.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2008 4:41 PM

its called google, look it up.

Posted by: playe at March 31, 2008 4:42 PM

Look, assholes, i don't give a shit about this site but don't be writing that Joshua Jackson is
actually dead. THAT'S what started this bullshit in the first place.

Posted by: paye at March 31, 2008 4:44 PM

You don't fucking have to like josh as an actor or as a person but don't for a single second write how this actor is dead. HEATH FUCKING LEDGER died for real and you are joking about the "supposed" death of an actor?

Posted by: playe at March 31, 2008 4:46 PM

Shadows, that's pretty brilliant, but possibly too complex. I think it's more biological, like how a shark can smell blood from miles away. Insult Joshua Jackson, and they feel a strange burning sensation wherever they sprayed their morning dose of Love's Baby Soft.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 4:48 PM

Playe, they joke about everything here. And they said he died of neglect, it's pretty obvious that they're mocking his floundering career, not his lungs' floundering last gasps for air.

It's ok. Go put on Urban Legend and relive his former bad hairstyle choices. All is still well in Paceyland.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 4:52 PM

FUCK ALL OF YOU JOSH HATERS! WHAT THE FUCK DID HE FUCKING DO TO YOU WHO PATHETIC WASTE OF SPACE! YOU REALLY HURT ME YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! I HATE ALL OF YOU!

Dear playe/paye [sic],

While I appreciate your enthusiasm, I would caution you against fucking all Josh haters. Personally, I'd hesitate to court injury to certain delicate areas of my anatomy due to strain from overuse. Of course, to each his/her own. Perhaps chafing and rampant veneral disease thrill you to the core of your being.

As for what the fuck he fucking did to we who pathetic waste of space [sic], well...around here we don't much cotton to the walking dead. We'll tolerate the ones in sweater vests, but mostly for the purposes of wholesale slaughter, and I gather that's not a fate you'd relish for the dearly departed Mr. Jackson. While we do have an in-house necromancer, I believe he is currently fully staffed, and we ain't runnin' the undead social services in this joint.

While it is regretful that we motherfuckers really hurt you, our chagrin is lessened by the fact that you hate us all, and mitigated entirely by the fact that you appear functionally retarded. Take heart though, dear playe/paye [sic], for you shall find a kindred spirit in your compatriot pattty [sic]. He/she/it/you also feel(s) rather strongly that we guys are assholes for fucking pciking [sic] on Josh. Find strength in solidarity with yourself/each other.

Love,
Sarina

Posted by: Sarina at March 31, 2008 4:59 PM

Hi. This is Pajiba. You want "Websters Is My Bitch". That's where the joke about Joshua Jackson being dead from "neglect" was posted. Not here. I know. We both look an awful alot of like to people like you. Must be all the minorities round these parts.

You should probably put a blanket over your head and cry into a webcam about it. Or better yet, put a pillow over your face and just hold it until sweet angelic bliss takes you away.

Posted by: insertclevernamehere at March 31, 2008 5:07 PM

"... put a pillow over your face and just hold it..."

How do we market this fine advice to all non Josh haters? I know! We'll get the undead corpse of Pacey, immaculately dressed in Pajiba whiskeybabyninjastar! t-shirt, on TV demonstrating!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2008 5:10 PM

I think the "Tiger Beat" jokes are about a decade too late, y'all. I don't think Joshua Jackson is Tiger Beat material any more.
I certainly don't wish him any ill on any level, but for real, I can't believe this guy still has fangirls.
(In other news, apparently Hanson still has a rabid following. For reals! It came up at work over the weekend.)

Posted by: lizling at March 31, 2008 5:19 PM

Huh. I thought Hanson was dead.

[cue viewer outrage]

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2008 5:23 PM

I just had an epiphany. In response to the question "what is Kate doing with her hand in that picture up there?" -- clearly she's taking a cue from Horton and preparing to smack her ho. Is she just emaciated or is she already Botoxing?

Posted by: lizling at March 31, 2008 5:24 PM

I don't think Joshua Jackson is Tiger Beat material any more.

WHAT??!! You baby eater! You PUPPY IN A PUFF PASTRY BAKER! You ruined my day! You ruined my life. Josh is TEH BESTEST ACTOR EVAR!!! Did you SEE Cursed! Did you SEE how HOT he was as a wherewulf?! I hope you DIE, I hope you DIE and your family doesn't CARE and the obituary spells your name wrong!

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 5:27 PM

You know what really sucks?

Fucking Playe is gonna win the damn comment prize.

Balls.

Posted by: TK at March 31, 2008 5:33 PM

Julie, oh my god, "wherewulf". I totally just had an mst3k flashback. By the way, can I steal "you puppy in a puff pastry baker" because if I scream that at someone bigger than me I'll have a full five minute head start before they figure out if that was an insult or not.

Posted by: LittleDead at March 31, 2008 5:33 PM

You PUPPY IN A PUFF PASTRY BAKER!

Oh, yes, my chien au choux. It's my specialty! But how did you know?
You're damn skippy the obit will spell my name wrong. Everybody else does.
"Werewolf?"
"There! Wolf!"

Posted by: lizling at March 31, 2008 5:34 PM

I miss MST3K so much it hurts. Love love love. And please steal it, most of my insults come from me thinking about dishes I have recently eaten.

I mean the puff pastry. Not the puppy. I like puppies.

...they're delicious.

Lizling: Ha! "There castle!"

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 5:38 PM

Julie, no need to hide your gastronomic genius. Puppies are delicious. Pastry is delicious. If puppy pastry is wrong than I don't want to be right. On a related note, my best friend's boyfriend is so funny. He's normally a very sweet very quiet guy but he has the worst road rage and whenever he gets mad he comes up with the silliest things to scream at people. Example, "you asscrapper!"

Posted by: LittleDead at March 31, 2008 5:46 PM

"Whurrwolf"!!

Mix with "Track of the Moon Beast" and enjoy!

I think they were pulled down, but YouTube had clips of the "Werewolf" credits singalong as well as the reel of best moments that suddenly popped up in the theater which can be seen in the rough footage of taping the "Diabolik" episode.

PAUL IS NOT PAUL ANYMORE!

Posted by: Jay at March 31, 2008 6:01 PM

I read somewhere on the internet once that Joshua Jackson was dead. I also read that he was a hater and fucking fucked the the fuckity fucks for hurting his fuck stick. I heard he boiled the skin off of a still mewing LOLcat, which he then fed to a baby tiger. (The skin...not the whole boiled LOLcat...the boiled LOLcat became fodder for a 'giant slingshot aimed out my back window' type video on www.dumbshithittingfratdudedsintheballs.com. Then he took the baby tiger and beat it....to death. With a copy of Skulls. I read that Joshua Jacksoon is dead. I read it on the internetz so it's gotta be true. That news hurts. I want to roll up in my sock drawer and cry for days. Godspeed Joshua Jackson. Paye will miss you.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 6:29 PM

its called google, look it up.
Posted by: playe at March 31, 2008 4:42 PM

It's called spelling and punctuation. Go back and take high school over.

...And you're saying that you found this comment thread by Googling JJ's name? You spend your time Googling JJ's name?

Didn't you find his name mentioned anywhere else? Was there nowhere else on the Intertubes for you to go and talk about your JJ?

Posted by: Jerce at March 31, 2008 6:30 PM

...and I'm calling bullshit right now and betting that Paye/Playe is Skittimus, mourning the death of Michael Bay.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 6:32 PM

Skittimus has been curiously absent from this discussion...but even he wouldn't drop to this level, would he?

Say it isn't so, Skitt...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2008 6:56 PM

Come on, surely Skittimus has some other way of getting his rocks off than winding up the rest of us ... right?
Right? Anyone?
*crickets*

Posted by: lizling at March 31, 2008 7:00 PM

Jay, there are a lot of mst3k clips and even whole episodes on Youtube. I'm only guessing though, because obviously I haven't watched the show in a long time. I have a life with real not imaginary friends, so I have no need to replay Werewolf, Brute Man, Prince of Space, Night of the Blood Beast or Beast of Yucca Flats. I absolutely don't do that. Well, I have to go now, lots of parties to go too, yup ...

Mitchel 08!

Posted by: LittleDead at March 31, 2008 7:05 PM

MICHAEL BAY IS AWESOME ITS MEAN THAT U R SAYIN HES DEAD I HOPE U ROT PISSBOY !!!!!

Posted by: MO at March 31, 2008 7:14 PM

PissBoy, if you are right about that being Skitt I will give you a million dollars. And I'll get it to you once I make my fortune with microwavable puppies in puff pastries.

Posted by: Julie at March 31, 2008 7:17 PM

Oh I have a fair amount of hard drive acreage devoted to torrented avi's. Every single episode's out there, and hey, if it's not for sale it ain't stealin anyway (though I hear only Jim Mallon gets any money). YouTube is good for little bits, like when I wanted to show someone the Rumple Minze guy from "Sinbad" or to demonstrate why, while watching "Match Point", I had to bite down hard on my tongue to not shout "BABY OIL?!?! NOOOOO!!!!" A: no one would have gotten it. B: that'd be a bit rude in a quiet theater.

A friend of a friend did invite me to a party next weekend, in keeping with my life said person is gay, but tonight it's more Bass-fueled karaoke. I really don't know how "Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress" will sound if I don't have the proper slapback reverb, but dammit I'll try. I'll make it up to them with "Common People"....if these nouveau hipsters even remember it. Feh.

Posted by: Jay at March 31, 2008 7:33 PM

Micahel Bay - D.O.D. - Jan 14th, 2008 during the first ever Pajiba Bus(ted) Tour. RIP Michael. Can't wait to watch you blow up your tombstone.

Joshua Jackson - D.O.D. - March 28th, 2008 due to yet another futile , big-budget, film release of epic unoriginality.

MO - D.O.D. - March 31st, 2008 because a rotting, cardigan-clad Zombie PissBoy came back and ate MO's brains further killing his ability to form a sentence and properly punctuate a thought. Then...after his corpse rots for a few days...Zombie PissBoy will carve random holes in MO's body and stuff them with sweeties for the kids so I can hang him from the tree like a squishy pinata. And if nothing else...someone will prolly take a shot in the balls with the broom handle trying to hit the MOnata so it can go up on youtube for all of his friends' 6 second attention spans.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 8:49 PM

Well, PissBoy, there are far less interesting ways to go....

And hey, I be a she, not a he, yo!

Posted by: MO at March 31, 2008 8:58 PM

Must go work on my internet sarcasm skills now. For the record, not a fan of Michael Bay. Or Joshua Jackson, for that matter, may he rest in peace.

**playing along; am aware he's not actually dead**

Posted by: MO at March 31, 2008 9:03 PM

See...sometimes sarcasm doesn't read so well on the internet. Wow. ::looks squinty eyed at MO::

Sorry...didn't see you there. Was blinded by my incessant need to pester tweener fanboys/girls.

Carry On.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 9:47 PM

No worries, I'm totally cool with pestering tweener twits. Damn kids these days.

If you're interested, maybe we can track down this Playe chap and turn him into a pinata? Maybe fashion some kind of balloon animals out of his balls as party favours?

Posted by: MO at March 31, 2008 9:53 PM

Deal. You handle the party favors...I'll invite the guests. Balls really aren't my thing lest they be my own. OOO! We could throw a reception immediately following Pacey's funeral service!

(oh...and my previous rant...everywhere it says MO...should now say Playe. Wish we could edit comments like on a forum page.)

Posted by: PissBoy at March 31, 2008 10:10 PM

So just out of curiosity, I Googled the dearly departed to see where we turn up. Pajiba doesn't make the first 50, but WIMB is #36.

Still makes me wonder how the zombies made their way over here from there, with no obvious direct link... Did Josh's zombie lead them?

Posted by: Bistro at March 31, 2008 10:14 PM

Sweet!

I make a mean testiclepottamus, if I do say so myself!

Posted by: MO at April 1, 2008 6:59 AM

Alex the Odd...with reference to what you said about PissBoy's comments.... I viewed this at http://www.blackwhitemingle.com where many black and white babes are online, chatting this ..

Posted by: blackorwhite at April 8, 2008 10:41 PM