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March 31, 2008 | Comments ()


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Horton Hits the Hookah and Smacks Around His Ho

The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | March 31, 2008 | Comments ()


*5. Shutter (Weekend: $5.3 million; Total: $19 million): With the box-office down precipitously from the same week last year (when Blades of Glory topped the charts with $33 million), box-office analyst — in an effort to ease studio jitters — took a page from the world of Wall Street and actually made up a movie title to round out the week’s top five. Inspired by Enron, box-office analyst invented Shutter, which is purportedly based on a J-Horror movie and stars Joshua Jackson (who is actually dead). On news that the fictional movie held on to fifth place in its second week of release, shares of 20th Century Fox’s parent company, News Corp, shot up 12 percent and gullible soon-to-be-retirees across the country sunk their entire 401(k)s into the company’s stock.

4. Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns (Weekend: $7.6 million; Total: $33 million): And speaking of frauds, the big news over the weekend was that the L.A. Times crack investigative team, embarrassed about the Tupac hoax perpetrated on them last week, doubled down and came up with the scoop of the year: Tyler Perry is actually a white man (real name: Dan Whitney) who has been posing as an African-American and mass-producing urban melodramas using a formula he picked up at the University of Phoenix to cater to the largest segment of the African-American population. When Whitney is not posing as Tyler Perry, he wears loose blue jeans and camouflage hats and mangles the English language with his catchphrase, “Git-R-Done.”

3. Superhero Movie (Weekend: $9.5 million): Apparently rendered too stupid by the previous Movie movies to make simple money transactions, millions of Americans were seen outside mall movie theaters looking at show times, staring at their wallets, and scratching their heads, wondering how to get inside. The result: Only half of the expected audience managed to pay for tickets to see Superhero Movie, while the other half eventually managed to wipe the drool away from their chins and shuffle over to Hot Dog on a (fucking) Stick in the food court and exchange blank stares for dinner, which they ate, stick and all. Meanwhile, the Weinsteins are attempting to figure out a way around the problem before releasing the next installment in the franchise, Your Ass or a Hole in the Ground Movie.

2. Horton Hears a Who (Weekend: $17.5 million; Total: $117 million): Buoyed by the success of Horton, which crossed the $100 million mark in only its third week, 20th Century Fox — taking a cue from Pajiba’s Eloquent Peanut Gallery — has decided to remake the movie for adult audiences. Horton Hits the Hookah and Smacks His Ho will be set in Southern L.A., and will feature Snoop Dog as the voice of the title character, Horton the Pimp; Beyonce as his no-talent prostitute, Heloise; and Reese Witherspoon as the buzzkill narc, Hilda. Most of the film’s running time will be devoted to watching Horton and Heloise watching Jimmy Stewart’s Harvey synced up to the Dark Side of the Moon and eating microwave burritos.

1. 21 (Weekend: $23 million): Rory Bruer, Sony’s head of distribution, expressed enthusiasm for the box-office success of 21, remarking, “What we really tried to do was to take solid source material and dumb it down for the masses, take out all the good stuff, and replace it with inoffensive, bland filler material. Really give audiences what they want, you know?” The tactic seemed to work, as attendees gave the movie a solid B grade. “My favorite part was that 21 didn’t challenge me, provoke thought, or say anything worthwhile,” said one theatergoer. “Do you know where I can find an Applebees?”

Meanwhile, responding to some confusion over the title of the movie, which was based on the book, Bringing Down the House, director Robert Luketic responded, “No, no no; the title has nothing to do with blackjack; we named it after the number of inches in Kate Bosworth’s forehead.”

Other notables: David Schwimmer’s directorial debut, Run Fat Boy Run failed to cross the finish line (*groan*), landing outside the top ten with only $2.3 million, while Ryan Phillipe’s war movie, Stop-Loss eeked out a paltry $4.5 million, good for eighth place (our review will be up later this afternoon).


* Shutter actually finished sixth, behind Drillbit Taylor, but I’m tired of making fun of Apatow. Deal.



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