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May 12, 2008 |

By TK Burton | Box Office Round-Ups | May 12, 2008 |

Welcome to the New World Order, folks. No more shall we be subject to the tyranny of Darth Rowles and his reign of terror. As was foretold, we have joined forces to rise up to strike down your overlord, tearing him open and feasting on the steaming goo within. We are your new masters now, and we demand sacrifice. We demand blood. We demand your very souls. Look upon us, and tremble. Also, we made hats!

OK, fine. In truth, Mrs. Pajiba-Hyphenate graduated from law school this weekend, and she and Dustin are busy celebrating their asses off. As such, we have been asked to briefly take the reins. So, please, a tip of the cap and slug from the bottle to them both. Without further ado, let’s get to the Round-Up.

Once more, Robert Downey, Jr. has dominated the hearts and wallets of the masses. Humanity cannot get enough of him. Men want him, women want to be him. Hopefully, you can’t get enough of his roguish good looks and ne’er do well spirit, because thanks to the Avengers franchise, RDJ will be Tony Starking his way throughout the filmosphere in nearly every movie for the next five years. By the time this new Iron Age is finished, either Quetzalcoatl will have come back to destroy humanity, or he will have cashed in all of his goodwill by C.-Thomas-Howell-ing his way through Tropic Thunder. He’ll end up on the list of “Once Loved, Now Loathed,” next to Jack Black and Ben Stiller. But until then, soak it in, people. Soak. It. In.

Therefore, in an effort to redeem their ticket sales, the studios have decided to retroactively add Robert Downey, Jr. to all of their films. And we are the richer for it.

5. Baby Mama (5.76 million, $40 million): Apparently, Amy Poehler got impregnated by Tony Stark and gives birth to a tiny Iron Lad, who shoots from her Iron Box to save Dora the Explorer. This did not require special effects, as Amy Poehler’s uterus was already prepped for the coming of the Comedy Messiah, who shall save us all from the franchise comedies. He sits at the right hand of GOB to save us all.

4. Made of Honor ($7.6 million. $26.3 million): Patrick Dempsey tries to smarm his way into the heart of our beloved Michelle Monaghan, only to be foiled at the last second by Iron Man, who (after realizing she is far more appealing than Pepper Potts) rockets in, snatches him and launches him into space. His frozen corpse will float through the blackness until he collides with either that windowpane imprisoning General Zod, or the Space Baby. Then Iron Man zooms back to the ceremony, speedhumps the bridesmaid line, and sails off into the sunset with Ms. Monaghan.

3. What Happens In Vegas ($20 million, $20 million): As Ashton Kutcher pulls the handle on the slot machine, it turns out it was actually Iron Man’s dong. He incinerates both Cameron Diaz and Kutcher on sight, punts Lake Bell back into obscurity, and gives Rob Corddry his agent’s card and a straight razor for the mange on his scalp. The rest of the movie then consists of RDJ joining forces with the other Lord of Three Initials, NPH (Neil Patrick Harris), who decided to blow the rest of his Harold and Kumar cash on strippers and blow. Forced to live together by Judge Dennis Miller, the two Lotharios spend a weekend banging more chicks than Anton Chihgur doing community service at Perdue. The winner? America, motherfucker. Because America always wins.

2. Speed Racer ($20.2 million, $20.2 million): The Mach 5 is actually played by Robert Downey Jr. in the Iron Man suit. Racer X chases him in KITT, voiced by Val Kilmer. During the race, the two machines transform into supersonic killing robots; in the process, the internal gears shred Matthew Fox and Emile Hirsch. Instead of duking it out in some sort of subsonic frenetically cut Michael Bay-off, they begin drinking Scotch and quoting lines from Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Then, because it’s the Wachowski brothers, there’s an inexplicable techno dance number in a cave where it’s raining and everyone’s in burkas.

1. Iron Man ($50.5 million, $177 million): For the international release, they decide to replace Robert Downey, Jr. with Morton Downey, Jr., who berates single mothers with insults, fireballs, and folding chairs. His sidekick is Sammy Davis Junior, Jr., the dog from Everything Is Illuminated, who dons a Dynomutt suit and bites everything that speaks in pidgin English. After Harvey Birdman murders Sammy Davis Junior, Jr. in a copy machine, Morton Downey drowns his sorrow at Carl’s Jr., buying clothing at Gap Junior, listening to Dinosaur Jr. and watching a pot-bellied, dead-eyed Arnold Schwarzenegger waddle around in Junior Terminator 4: The Search for More Money.

In closing, we figured we’d take a ride back to more innocent times, before Iron Man was the commercial juggernaut he is today. Instead, we hearken back to when Iron Man was simply a boy and a dream. Please enjoy, and we apologize if your emotions take hold of you and you find yourself weeping.

He is Not Human. He is a Piece of Iron

The Weekly Box Office Round-Up /Brian Prisco & TK

Box Office Round-Ups | May 12, 2008 |

TK Burton is the Editorial Director. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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