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March 17, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | March 17, 2008 |

5. Vantage Point (Weekend: $5.4 million; Total: $58 million): “Those chicks need to arm themselves with more than machine guns if they want to conquer Zombie Strippers. That’s why I keep my flamethrower loaded and at the ready at all times. You can never be too careful (especially with all the sweater vests roaming around these parts).” - Kolby

“Godtopus looks like he’s the patron deity of the Powerpuff Girls. Must be the benevolent gleam in his eye.

Flamethrowers, indeed. Zombies don’t fear fire. It’s all about brain destruction, people. Think self-sufficient, low-tech, light weaponry. Zombies aren’t smart, but they’re the damn Energizer bunnies of the realm of ghouls, so you have to be prepared to fight a lot of the shambling bastards.” - Wednesday

“I have a feeling when Apatow lets the cameras roll for some improv in a scene, Sandler’s gonna panic, turn back to his days when he says “Zabbady doo!” and crosses his eyes and makes funny faces.” - aidan

4. College Road Trip (Weekend: $7.9 million; Total: $24 million): “Sarina, just to be clear, there is nothing (NOTHING) I don’t love about BTiLC… Cattral included.

But Sex in the City is an abomination in the eyes of God. I wouldn’t watch it for world peace and a lifetime supply of Reeses cups.” - TK

“Agreed. Reeses anything are little pieces of heaven given form and then force-fed to puppies right before they are made into jerky, and the pieces of heaven now flavored with puppy love tumble out into a press which shapes them into cups and pieces and eggs for the children to enjoy. And me.” - Shadows of Dakaron

“I once had a roommate who was obsessed with both Sex and the City and The Apprentice, so I have seen far too many episodes of both. I will admit that SatC is less bad than The Donald and The Hair, but it’s still pretty awful. There are occasionally individual moments which are funny, but overall those characters are so thoroughly irritating, unappealing and worthless.

Actually, I think I hated that show for the exact same reasons I so disliked Seinfeld. Except at least the asshats on Seinfeld didn’t dress like aliens disguised as clowns that were playing the parts of geriatric hookers in a community theatre production of The Reluctantly Aging Vaginas That Could.” - Sarina

3. Never Back Down (Weekend: $8.6 million): This somehow slipped under the Pajibadar, but we’ll have a review of The Karate Kid Sidekicks Only the Strong Best of the Best Gymkata Never Back Down on Wednesday.

2. 10,000 B.C. (Weekend: $16 million; Total: $61 million): “goddammit…i just thought of something…I have 2 sets of pictures in galleries on “”…it just sounds like a tough website. I am doing NOTHING to help myself as far as ‘tough’ is concerned because in one set i am dressed in duct tace on a cardboard motorcycle, and then the other pics are me on my real motorcycle in a goddamn Eeyore costume. I need to go do something tough…STAT!!” - PissBoy

PissBoy, you may be able to take on Roo, but otherwise…I think Pooh would kick your ass and make your hollowed out skull into a honeypot.” - Julie

“Maybe it’s badass to wear an Eeyore costume amongst bikers since it’s basically begging for an ass-beating, Hell’s Angels style. Pretty damn brave if you ask me.” - racheee

1. Horton Hears a Who! (Weekend: $45 million): “Whatevs. I’ll take the kids, ‘spose, and I’ll probably enjoy it, if even just a little bit. But it needs to just stop now. And so help me, if there’s ever a Star-Bellied Sneetches movie, I will freak right the fuck out.” - Mella

“Dustin - I don’t think you’re old enough to understand or appreciate any hate that rightfully exists towards REO Speedwagon as a band, and that particular song, especially in a fucking DR. SEUSS movie adaptation.

I kid, but that song still sucks, especially in a DR. SEUSS adaptation. What’s next - “Pour Some Sugar On Me” sung by Aslan? “In the Air Tonight” sung by Hagrid? Where do we draw the line? Where does this bullshit end?” - Mohaski

“Gives me hope for my animated feature - “Whoreton Hears a Ho”… Yeah, I’m pretty excited. It’s about a colony of pube-crabs living a peaceful existence in the Humid Black Forrest, when one day, Mayor Whoreton of Pubesville hears a horrible moaning. Upon further discovery, he’s astounded to find that his entire world and all he knows revolves around the antics of a kuh-raazy Ho named Violet.

Violet, as luck would have it, is tired of all the scratchin’ and decides to shave her business, which means certain doom for those of Pubesville. So, it’s up to Mayor Whoreton to figure out a way to find a new forrest before the “Dreadedwaxing”, a beast of mythical proportions, destroys all he’s every known.

Oh yeah, it’s an animated porn… I’m not ashamed.” - Skittimus Maximus

Eat a Cadbury Chocolate-Covered Dick, Charlotte.

The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / The Eloquents

Box Office Round-Ups | March 17, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.


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