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August 18, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | August 18, 2008 |

5. Pineapple Express ($10 million; $62 million): For the hell of it, here’s a list of cringe-inducing puns and other plays on words used to describe Pineapple Express by mainstream critics, or at least their godawful headline writers: “I Already Have the Munchies for More”; “Pineapple Express is a Good High”; “Very Dope!”; “A Potful of Heart, Humor”; “True Bromance” (oh, come on, you’re better than that Village Voice); “Bong-Gone Hilarious”; “Bud Movie”; “Stoners Who Put the Bud in Buddies”; “Bad Trip”; and my favorite (and by favorite, the one that makes me want to slash my wrist the most), “Leave No Stoner Unturned.”

I think I missed the class on puns back in college journalism.

Meanwhile, who doesn’t like that M.I.A. song in the trailer? I know, right? If you’re wondering, however, the rest of the album kind of blows, including a painful, unnecessary, ear-punishing cover of “Where Is My Mind.” Un-savory.

4. Mirrors ($11 million): I don’t believe that Mirrors was screened for mainstream critics, which means we were largely saved from headlines like “Cracked!” and “Seven More Years of Bad Luck,” but we were not saved from the review of a guy named Lucius Gore, who noted, “Alexandra Aja proves again why he’s the best horror movie maker working today.” And for those of you at home who aren’t quite familiar with the name of the “best horror movie maker working today,” he also directed High Tension and The Hills Have Eyes remake, which amazingly puts him somewhere beneath Eli Roth on the horror movie maker food chain. But hey! He can always move up the ladder with his remake of the Roger Corman classic, Piranha, now in 3-D! Oh, scratch that: Roger Corman actually remade it himself (for TV); in ‘73, it was originally directed by Joe Dante, he of Gremlins fame. Bright Light! Bright Light!

3. Star Wars: The Clone Wars ($15 million): For those of you who actually coughed up part of your wage to see The Clone Wars, how does it feel to pay George Lucas to gouge you in the eyes knowing that’s exactly what he was going to do? You got no excuse, folks. You walked right into it. And the more you keep giving him your money, the more he’s going to keep desecrating your love of all things Star Wars. It’s only a matter of time before Lucas starts making Ewok porn or sells the rights to Indiana Jones to Joe Francis. Mark my words.

2. The Dark Knight($17 million; $471 million): And speaking of The Clone Wars, here’s some insight into the banality of my everyday life that I know you’ve all been craving (Spoiler Alert: Dull Story): In real life, I’m a fairly mild-mannered guy, with one exception: If I miss a movie I’d planned on seeing at the time I plan on seeing it, I turn into a petulant little bitch. To wit: On my 21st birthday, my then girlfriend planned to take me out to dinner and to see, I think, The Rainmaker, on opening weekend. However, after dinner, the bitch told me she’d forgotten something at home, which necessitated our return and endangered our ability to catch the show we’d planned on seeing. Upon my arrival home, however, I was greeted by a goddamn surprise party.

You have no idea how hard it was to hide my disappointment. I was crushed — even the late show was out of the question.

The point is: Last night, Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate and I made plans to see The Dark Knight at the local drive-in, but the fuckers messed up the advertised show times, so when we arrived, we had to sit through the last hour of the first of the double bill: The Clone Wars. Phillip’s review was too kind. Jesus fucking balls that movie was bad. Worse: By the time The Dark Knight began at 11 p.m., the baby had woken up and begun to freak the fuck out. Now, two years ago, I would’ve turned into my usual petulant little bitch, and if the kid had been someone else’s, I would’ve drop-kicked it into the drive-in movie screen. But my kid is cute, so I sucked it up, swallowed the admission price, and took the kid home, conceding that I wouldn’t be able to see The Dark Knight as it should be seen: In a drive-in, with fogged-up windows, and a bunch of tailgating drunks.

I’m so goddamn mature.

1. Tropic Thunder ($26 million; $37 million): With a healthy $37 million over its first five days, Tropic Thunder proves once again that putting Creedence Clearwater Revival on your soundtrack guarantees success! Actually, you’d think the 60-plus times they’ve been on a movie soundtrack would be near the top, but a cursory search reveals that The Rolling Stones have more than 100, and both Stevie Wonder and Marvin Gaye are on more than 130 soundtracks. Here’s your iMDB challenge today, Pajiba readers: Find a musical artist or band with more soundtrack appearances than Stevie Wonder, at 136. I’ve found one, with 232. I don’t think that can be beaten. But it’s always fun to whittle away a few hours searching.

Meanwhile, dollars to donuts that Tropic Thunder is the last hit movie that Tom Cruise appears in, at least until Tarantino resurrects his career in his eventual remake of I Spit On Your Grave.

A couple of site notes before I let you return to your Monday mornings: First, in case you missed it on Friday’s Pajiba Love (which is still up), a reader, Elizabeth, has started a very cool Google Map, where you can add your location and see if other readers are in your area. It’s already got two maps worth of placemarks, and it’s been added to our “About” page, as well. I like the fact that I can pinpoint a particular reader, say “[Name Withheld — ed],” and use Google Maps to estimate how long it would take me to drive to his house and firebomb it (less than 20 hours!). If I decided to walk, however, it’d take 16 days and 20 hours. It’s good to know these things, for simple peace of mind, of course.

Finally, for those of our readers who do dabble below the comment line, first of all: I’d never firebomb your house. Don’t be silly — I’m terrified of fire. And second: If you missed it last week, a friend of the site, frequent commenter, and one helluva goddamn brave woman, AlabamaPink, had a bit of a setback. Her too brief remission is over, and her leukemia has returned. We hope it’s a minor setback, and that she’ll beat the zombie-living hell out of her cancer. Soon. My agnostic ass is absolutely terrible when it comes to matters like these, but I hope that those with faith might spare a few minutes and direct it toward Ms. Pink. And for those who lack faith in a particular higher power, we’ve opened today’s first comment up for a well-wishing reader and another frequent commenters, Tamatha, who is going to lead today’s Pajiba sermon.

Be well, Ms. Pink.

Bright Light! Bright Light!

The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | August 18, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

Pajiba Love 08/27/08 | Henry Poole Is Here

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