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“How Do They Get the Message That the Ass Is Now on the Menu?”

The Weekly Box-Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Box Office Round-Ups | February 9, 2009 | Comments (33)

In honor of this week’s number one film, He’s Just Not That Into You, which was based on a book inspired by a catchphrase Greg Behrendt originally wrote for “Sex and the City,” I’ve decided, as best as possible, to equate each movie in this week’s top six films with another “SATC” quote.

6. Push ($10.2 million): “I feel the same way as you feel about Botox. Painful and unnecessary.”

5. Paul Blart: Mall Cop ($11 million; $97 million): “I don’t like having anything inserted in my anus, even though it may come as a surprise.”

4. The Pink Panther 2 ($12 million): “Some labels are best left in the closet.”

3. Coraline ($16.3 million): “Well, I don’t know how you people do it. All that emotional chow-chow. It’s exhausting.”

2. Taken ($20.3 million; $53 million): “We finally have the penis working. I don’t want to scare it.”

1. He’s Just Not That Into You ($27.4 million): “My vagina’s depressed.”


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Comments

Tell me you didn't do that from memory.

Posted by: Jay at February 9, 2009 10:11 AM

Depressing: The fact that you used all SATC catchphrases. That hurts me.

More Depressing: The fact that Paul Blart Mall Cop is almost over $100 mil. Here comes Paul Blart: Maul Cop, whether we like it or not.

Even more depressing: People still buy into that "He's Just Not That Into You" shit.

By the way, Greg Behrendt should be labeled a traitor to men and women alike. Anyone who wants to sell secrets to the other side deserves a rap right on the mouth. If you don't like playing the game, then sit in the corner and shut the hell up.

Posted by: Mike R. at February 9, 2009 10:13 AM

My vagina's depressed, too.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 9, 2009 10:14 AM

My vagina used to be depressed, but then I put her on zoloft, and now she's happy as a clam.

Posted by: Marra at February 9, 2009 10:20 AM

"happy as a clam"

That right there is some righteous punnery. Hat tip, Marra.

Posted by: TK at February 9, 2009 10:25 AM

What exactly makes clams particularly happy? I, for one, never looked at a clam and went "Oh there's a positively happy creature!"

Posted by: io at February 9, 2009 10:39 AM

Obscurely, I feel like my vagina is depressed too. Does anyone know if there's a support group for romcom-afflicted phantom vagina?

Posted by: Caspar at February 9, 2009 10:41 AM

... then you're doing it wrong.

Posted by: I Love Beets at February 9, 2009 10:41 AM

My cure for romcom-afflicted phantom vagina is George Clooney in a tux in Ocean's 11.

Posted by: Blakemas! at February 9, 2009 10:50 AM

There's a Pink Panther 2? Seriously?

I have not seen any advertising for this. Who watched the first one?!

Posted by: Carrie at February 9, 2009 10:56 AM

Wow... Just wow.

Posted by: Kayanne at February 9, 2009 11:00 AM

Marra "Happy as a clam" made me laugh out loud.

I have a thing for puns... don't judge.

Posted by: Wormer at February 9, 2009 11:01 AM

Having never read either, maybe someone can tell me: Didn't "He's Just Not That Into You" get written about 10 years ago, as "Men are from Mars ..."?

You know, all the weight control advice 98 percent of us will ever need I can condense down to four words:

Eat less. Exercise more.

Yet we still make millionaires out of people who come up with dieting fads and write dieting books, and I'm thinking it's because we'd rather believe there's some magic formula than do what would actually be good for us. (No, I won't tell you what I weigh, shut up.)

Is it the same way with relationship books? Do they all mostly just say the same common-sense things that people ignore? I mean, you could make a good case (I will, anyway) that the best relationship book ever written was written a couple thousand years ago and included advice such as:

Don't lie. Don't cheat.

Be honest. Be truthful.

Don't make yourself nuts wanting what someone else has.

Respect other people.

Treat them the way you want to be treated.

Blah blah blah.

I think you get the source material I'm referencing. (And if you don't, put "Thou shalt" in front of each piece of advice.)

I can't think of any way 98 percent of all relationships wouldn't be improved by everyone following this advice (except the ones that existed only through deceit and dishonesty in the first place, of course), especially if people would start by being honest with themselves. Yet I see this kind of thing all the time:

Dear Abby: I'm a fiercly independent and headstrong woman. I have recently begun dating my childhood sweetheart, "[Pookie]," again after 20 years. [Pookie] is traditional and would prefer I surrender my independence and allow him to take the "man's" role. We are trying to compromise, but now another issue has come up.

My best friend, "Wendell," recently proposed to his girlfriend and asked me to be the best woman at his wedding [hey, Skitz, where's my invitation? -- b.d.] I'm excited about the honor, and I will be wearing a tuxedo and stiletto heels.

[Pookie] is totally against it. He says Wendell is treating me like a man, and I'm going along with it. Every time the subject comes up, [Pookie] gets angry. He hasn't met Wendell yet, and I would love more thn anything for my two special guys to get along. What am I to do? -- ON THE SPOT IN WALDORF, MD.
------
Here's a start: Quit lying to yourself about being "independent" and "headstrong" if you're going to let this guy dictate what you do, OK?

"But jeez, that all seems so HARD. I'd rather pay somebody I've never met and who knows absolutely nothing about me $24.95 and wish against all evidence that 200 pages of drivel will change my life. And when it doesn't I'll do it again in two years."

Is that the deal? I mean, I don't know, I only suspect, so that's why I'm asking. Single Pajiblets feel free to tell me why I'm an idiot, but I really am curious: Is that how it is?

(And no, I can't remember what it was like to be single, OK? Senility has its benefits. And anyway, I'd certainly have no way of knowing what it's like to be single in '09.)

Thanks. I eagerly await your opprobrium.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 9, 2009 11:26 AM

Paul Blart: Maul Cop

That might not be a bad film. We're assuming the "the" between "Maul" and "Cop" is eliminated to make the title catchier, right?

Posted by: Robert at February 9, 2009 11:31 AM

No Robert, I was thinking of going the "Manimal" route. You know, cop turns into an animal, fights crime, maybe even has a sidekick. It's the best way to make money/kill the franchise with one fell swoop. People will be dumb enough to see it, but the writers will commit seppuku once they've seen what they wrought, and we won't have to worry ever again about Mr. Blart.

In fact, I think that's the other reason studios make movies like this (besides money), they want to kill the writers.

Posted by: Mike R. at February 9, 2009 11:50 AM

Damn. I wrote a lengthy and utterly hilarious post quoting Dear Abby at length and referencing the Bible and Pookie and Wendell, and when I hit "Post comment" a message came up about "moderating posts until April 1, 2008, sorry for the inconvenience" and the post, obviously, was not posted.

I know what you're thinking, and so am I: First Amendment violation lawsuit.

But while I sit with the phone on hold with my attorney's office, I'll try to condense it down to the two key questions I had:

No. 1: Didn't "He's Just Not That Into You" come out about 10 years ago under the title "Men Are From Mars ..." and its subsequent reiterations?

No. 2: Do people keep paying these relationship gurus $24.95 for 200 pages of common-sense advice and then ignoring it, only to buy the same book two years later, because they would rather believe in a magical formula than actually follow relationship advice written 2,000 years ago, thusly:

Don't lie, especially to yourself.

Don't cheat.

Don't make yourself nuts wanting what others have.

Respect other people. Treat them the way you'd like to be treated.

Blah blah blah etc.?

I also invited Pajiblets to tell me I'm an idiot, but because I edited down the hysterically funny parts that would probably have been deemed mildly offensive by single people = lost opporunity.

Sorry. Blame Dustin.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 9, 2009 11:54 AM

God I wish I hadn't seen any advertisements for Pink Panther 2. It's just PAINFUL to watch. And nit in an Office kind of "So awkward it's funny". I just think Steve Martin is like a stripper when he does these movies, he just takes himself out of the moment. Look at his eyes, he's dead inside.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at February 9, 2009 11:54 AM

Oh my god, Marra, that nearly killed me.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 9, 2009 12:00 PM

Guessing to keep your clam real happy you rough it up a bit. She likes it when you're rough.

Posted by: Jim at February 9, 2009 12:10 PM

Look at his eyes, he's dead inside.

Sounds like a zombie to me. I'll get the cricket bat thingie.

Posted by: stipe42 at February 9, 2009 12:12 PM

Jesus, when did bucdaddy turn into TMax?

Posted by: I Love Beets at February 9, 2009 12:15 PM

No, it came through. That old joke "moderated" thing from last year occasionally pops up at random but it doesn't do anything.

Posted by: Jay at February 9, 2009 12:18 PM

I think clams are happy because they can hang out in water all day long and they don't get pruny. Also, they always look like they are smiling. And, it doesn't appear to annoy them that they have sandy vaginas.

So, yeah, I think clams tend to be pretty content, if not outright happy.

(God, when will this Darwin project stop infiltrating my every thought?)

kiss, E

Posted by: Estelle at February 9, 2009 1:10 PM

I knew, from the quote, who said each thing. If it redeems me at all, I still think the SATC movie was an abomtionation. But reading about happy clams and terrified penii makes Monday into Funday.

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at February 9, 2009 1:24 PM

I think clams are happy because they look like vaginas.

Posted by: MN_Jen at February 9, 2009 1:27 PM

But reading about happy clams and terrified penii makes Monday into Funday.

Amen, my friend. Amen.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 9, 2009 1:36 PM

Monday is Funday the same way miniature candy bars are Fun Sized.

Posted by: stipe42 at February 9, 2009 1:50 PM

Oh thank GODTOPUS, Pink Panther 2 had a pitiful showing. Maybe this will finally make Steve Martin come to his senses. Just STOP IT, dude.

Posted by: figgy at February 9, 2009 2:03 PM

Hey, Tony! Toni! Tone! told me that it never rains in southern California, so obviously you're just making up shit to complain about. Unless, maybe the guy that was bragging about cringeworthy San Diego weather recently jinxed it all.

Yeah, "Neodiogenes". Go find and kill him and you'll probably feel better.

The miniature candy does suck though.

Posted by: Jay at February 9, 2009 2:12 PM

Aaand bucdaddy just got a book deal. Damnit. It's too easy.

Posted by: figgy at February 9, 2009 2:15 PM

Dear bucdaddy,

No, I don't write to advice columnists or buy self help books, ever. It is painfully clear what the problem is in each and every miserable relationship. If you mentally phrase the question, you already know the answer.

The answer is always this: It will always be SOMETHING. Is the something you're dealing with so bad that you wish to trade it for a new something with somebody else?

Furthermore, if the something involves weapons, violence, disfunction-level alcohol/drug/obsessive behaviour, well then you know what to do.

If the something involves not agreeing, feelings of inadequacy/insecurity/instability, or boredom, well then check yo'self and try harder on your end.

Only mass media would still try to convince an adult that they should get a cookie when they're feeling bad. Preschool is over. And...Monday is sucking, can you tell?

Posted by: replica at February 9, 2009 3:05 PM

Bucdaddy, you made my evening! Thank you!

Posted by: Four Eyes at February 9, 2009 6:58 PM

"and the post, obviously, was not posted."

Thank you, Capt. Not-So-Obvious.
---
Four Eyes: Aw, shucks ...

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 9, 2009 10:50 PM