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February 1, 2008 |

By Ted Boynton | Boozehound Cinephile | February 1, 2008 |

Pop culture item consumed: Juno, the sweet teen pregnancy film starring Ellen Page, Michael Cera, and a host of talented character actors such as J.K. Simmons.

Beverage consumed: Two rum Pocket Shots™ surreptitiously poured into a ridiculously overpriced pail of cola obtained from the concession area.

Summary of action: Two weeks ago I saw Juno with my wife, a relatively rare occasion on which we went out to a movie theater. As much as I enjoy movies, I do not like movie theaters, largely for the reasons stated by others in the Pajiba (Sh)it List and comments section. My Sony plasma, for which I traded one of my much-abused kidneys (sucker!), was purchased as much for this reason as for my crippling NFL gambling habit. The reclusive Mr. Hyde in me does not mix well with the combination of typically shitheaded moviegoer behavior and the more general and inevitable basic-human-nature assholery that accompanies just about any crowd — a combination represented perfectly by the jackass who invariably stops abruptly right in front of me as we are exiting the auditorium, usually so that he can perform some urgent task such as absentmindedly searching his pockets for the cell phone his inbred neurons failed to remind him to turn off before the film. (This euthanasia poster child is from the same sub-species as the stain who steps off the escalator and immediately comes to a complete halt to admire the miracle that is Cinnabon, as I run out of escalator right behind him while three tons of mall-wandering wildebeest rumbles down behind me. Clear the goddamn landing, you chowder-brained fuckwit.)

Self-medication is definitely the way to go when seeing a film in this (or any other) environment, and this particular mission calls for a small container of something potent and easily sneakable. Pocket Shots, small plastic packets of liquor in individual portions, come in a variety of flavors and are ideal for this type of outing. Be advised that Pocket Shots are not suitable for situations in which you are likely to be searched, as the sharp plastic edges will not be kind to your rectum. Not that I would know.

How the pairing held up: Reasonably well, despite my general lack of enthusiasm for rum. Thematically, this was an appropriate selection, considering that rum and coke is often one of the first drinks high school kids try, at least when they come to my house. Olivia Thirlby definitely looked like a rum-and-coke, Gran Torino kind of girl. Peppermint schnapps with coke was a high school favorite in my day, but Pocket Shots doesn’t make schnapps, and the strong pepperminty alcohol smell tends to be a giveaway to ushers, detention monitors, and my parents. You know, The Man.

Tastes like: Once I lost myself in the film, the rum-and-coke flavor allowed me to fantasize that I was making out with Alison Janney and that she tasted like a rum-cola slushee, so that part was an A+.

Overall rating: Eleven out of seventeen shots.

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The Boozehound Cinephile / Ted Boynton

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