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All Your Thetans Are Belong to Us

Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography by Andrew Morton / Jennifer McKeown

Book Reviews | January 30, 2008 | Comments (143)

That Tom Cruise is batshit crazy has been pretty much common knowledge ever since he jumped on Oprah’s couch in May 2005. Few realize, however, that his insanity is not a recent development; in fact, the “real” person at the heart of the well-known celebrity has, in all likelihood, not existed for many years. Who is the real Tom Cruise? Perhaps not even Tom himself knows the answer, although it is doubtful he’d ever admit it.

After reading Andrew Morton’s unauthorized biography, one finds it difficult to believe the individual christened Thomas Cruise Mapother IV still exists, even to himself; instead, he is constantly performing, his true personality having been effaced years ago. Even more astounding is the fact that Cruise has apparently, thanks to the wonders of Scientology, been walking around in a self-induced hypnotic trance for years. That he never stops acting — even when surrounded by friends and family — should not come as much of a surprise; friends reported his personality a performance even when Cruise was a teen. Such obliteration of his individuality intensified after Scientology, perhaps one of the scariest organizations operating today, began controlling every aspect of Cruise’s life. Tom, for his part, wouldn’t have it any other way.

Andrew Morton must be commended for his unblinking scrutiny of both Cruise and the organization to which Cruise has dedicated his life. Scientology has a long history of intimidating and harassing those who speak against it. Morton outlines some of the techniques employed by Scientologists, and it takes a man with nerves of steel to stand so publicly against them. (For example, one woman who left and denounced the organization later committed suicide by shooting herself with a rifle … three times. Because, you know, she was a really bad shot. For the record, Scientology denies any involvement in her death. Obviously.)

Tom, however, has nothing to fear from them. Scientologists view Tom as their Messiah (no, really, they do), credited with saving the organization after it nearly folded in the late 80s. So much is Tom the Messiah that many Scientologists believed Suri would bear the reincarnated soul of L. Ron Hubbard back to life. Shockingly, they were wrong.

It’s easy to mock Scientology: these fucking morons actually believe that we are inhabited by the souls of dead aliens. Members must dedicate their entire lives to Scientology, even having abortions and cutting off family members when the organization commands it. But while it’s easy (and fun!) to mock them, underestimating them is deadly. As Morton proves, Scientology is an extremely dangerous organization that is, without a single ounce of exaggeration, hell-bent on taking over the world. No wonder Germany balked at Tom playing the role of Claus von Stauffenberg, one of its champions of democracy: Germany considers Scientologists a fascist organization akin to the Nazis.

A close inspection of Tom’s close friends lends credence to the belief that Scientology is planning world domination. Consider Tom’s last few girlfriends before marrying his “one and only,” Katie. First, there was Penelope Cruz, so chosen to pave the way for Scientology in Spain. Then there was Sofia Vergara — whom he dated just two weeks before falling head over heels in love with Katie Holmes — who was chosen to start a recruitment drive in Latin America. Then there’s Tom’s choice of friends: the Beckhams, who can bring Scientology to England and Europe. Will and Jada Smith, who can open the African-American market. J-Lo and Marc Antony for the Hispanic market. Like I said, these crazy bastards are dangerous.

The danger is intensified when one considers that the highly-revered Operating Thetan VII (that’s big-time important, just so you know) has used his celebrity status to gain access to top officials like Scooter Libby to lobby for bills that support his nutjob beliefs. To date, “Some twenty-eight Scientology bills have been introduced by members of the Arizona state legislature aimed at limiting access to treatment and medication for children with mental health disorders.” For this reason, one defector from Scientology has labeled him “one of the most dangerous celebrities in the world.”

I could go on, for Morton’s examination of both Cruise and Scientology is both utterly fascinating and comprehensive in scope. In fact, I’m having trouble omitting details to keep this review from getting too long. (For example, I can’t help but mention that part of Katie’s contract involved signing away the rights to any medical help if either she or her children were ever to suffer mental or terminal illness. Of course, we all know how Scientologists feel about psychiatry. Did you know psychiatry is responsible for, among other things, the Holocaust and 9/11? It’s true!)

As I said, I could go on, but I must stop at some point. Suffice it to say, Andrew Morton needs all of us to buy his book, especially since he’ll be involved in litigation against these evil warlords for the next 50years or so. At the risk of entering their radar myself, I’ll end by saying that I was just kidding about all Scientologists being crazy bastards. Hail Xenu, or whatever crap you dickheads believe.

Jennifer McKeown spends her days writing under an assumed name to avoid capture by thetans. She blogs over at Bibliolatry.


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Comments

Just to nitpick here, but dear the title should read All Your Thetans Are Belong To Us. That is the proper Engrish phrase.

Oops. That's my bad -- I changed the original, correct headline, because I thought it was a typo. Why do they phrase it in such a way? -- DR

Posted by: ScarletKnight at January 30, 2008 12:59 PM

I thought Pajiba was above this sort of propaganda and discrimination. Scientology is a perfectly reasonable belief system and those of us who have given it a chance have unlocked our potential in ways that this fool of an author never will.

Obviously another pawn of the pharmaceutical industry, spreading their filthy lies.

Posted by: Professor Science at January 30, 2008 1:00 PM

I'm torn. I utterly disagree with Professor Science. But...is Andrew Morton credible now?

Posted by: Kate at January 30, 2008 1:04 PM

I gotta tell you, the ONE person I'm worried about converting is Oprah. Think about it...

If that happens, we might as well pack ourselves up and go into zombie survival, live in fear mode. We'll have to change the t-shirt to Pajiba Holyshitscientologyzombieattack Tour 200(?).

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 30, 2008 1:09 PM

That indecisiveness might be the result of any number of issues scientology can help you with. Don't blindly follow the masses in their unfounded hatred when the truth is but an audit away.

Posted by: Professor Science at January 30, 2008 1:11 PM

i think i'm a little bit scared.......

Posted by: gunter at January 30, 2008 1:12 PM

But I'm broke, Professor Science. Is there a way I can have an audit done for free?

Don't I have to have money to free my tortured alien souls?

Isn't there a thetan enema kit or something, so I can just doo-doo them out?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 30, 2008 1:14 PM

I have no desire to read this, despite Cruise's ever increasing fanatical behavior. I know nothing about Andrew Morton, but his unauthorized biography just seems like an easy way to capitalize on the public's fascination with Cruise. I'd rather someone who had a firsthand experience being a Scientologist write a memoir, I would read that bitch in a heartbeat.

Posted by: Julie at January 30, 2008 1:15 PM

Tom Cruise loves the cock, yet won't admit it.

What a sad, pathetic, little man.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 30, 2008 1:18 PM

It is true that those with money have an easier time aiding the cause of Scientology than those without money, but this is true of most great causes, no?

Don't lose heart simply because you haven't managed to obtain the same level of financial freedom as some of our more devout members. The Church will schedule a payment plan based on what is affordable on a case by case basis. While the process of purification isn't a cheap one, what price can you put on something this important?

Posted by: Professor Science at January 30, 2008 1:19 PM

DR - it's from an early 2000's Japanese video game, and for further information I refer you to the always-reliable Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_your_base_are_belong_to_us
Enjoy your internet meme.

Posted by: raych at January 30, 2008 1:20 PM

Dustin, it is called Engrish. It is due to a translation error on the part of the game makers, that game being Zero Wing. It makes absolute sense in Japanese, but as I said, turning it into English was a problem. This game also includes such gems as: For great justice!! And: Somebody set us up the bomb!

Posted by: ScarletKnight at January 30, 2008 1:22 PM

You scare me Professor Science. What is missing in your life to get caught up in something so wackjob as Scientology? I mean alien souls? Do you really believe that crapola? I mean really?

Posted by: lovelytagine at January 30, 2008 1:23 PM

This was a good review, and believe me, I am just as afraid of Scientology as the next guy, but... Are you taking everything Morton writes as true? I don't think you expressed doubt in the veracity of his claims at any point in the review, something which pretty much every media outlet seems to have done in the time leading up to the book's release. Sure, it's fun to describe all of the craziness Scientology can entail, particularly as it applies to a celebrity like Tom Cruise (*shudder*), but aren't a lot of the "facts" in the book unverified? For me, based on this, the book isn't exactly important or noteworthy reading.

Posted by: b at January 30, 2008 1:23 PM

"Oops. That's my bad -- I changed the original, correct headline, because I thought it was a typo. Why do they phrase it in such a way? -- DR"

Dustin Rowles ladies and gentlemen(insert applause), still doing copy on an old IBM Selectric and completely "down" with what the kids are doing.

Ever heard of: All your base are belong to us...?

I have not, B-Slim. I'm afraid I'm not terribly familiar with gamer-speak. But I do love my Selectric. -- DR

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 30, 2008 1:26 PM

While I have no doubt that these people are wackjobs and likely plotting world domination in much the manner of Pinky and the Brain, I gotta agree with Kate, since when did Andrew Morton become credible?

Posted by: MG at January 30, 2008 1:32 PM

I believe that LRH is a great man, a man who has a greater understanding of the world than any who have lived in our age. He has an ability to percieve things that are beyond the reach of most, hench the naming the Hubble Space Telescope after him. If decorated scientists can recognise his abilities in such a public way, why do so many of the common people still refuse to accept the truth laid out before their eyes?

Posted by: Professor Science at January 30, 2008 1:34 PM

Well, yeah, they'll set you up on a discount rate for the soul audits, but then if you decide it's not for you after "giving it a try" they send you a bill for the balance. And their considerable force of lawyers will, most likely, put you in bankruptcy.

Posted by: Ed's Used Cars at January 30, 2008 1:35 PM

Alright Prof, tell you what: I'm assuming you've hit some financial freedom, so why don't you - out of the goodness of your heart - send me a check so's I can get the ball rolling here...

After all, the process of purification isn't a cheap one, but you could certainly lend a brother a hand?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 30, 2008 1:36 PM

Who let the dogs out. Who who!

Posted by: AM at January 30, 2008 1:37 PM

But Professor Scary Science (who I think may be pulling our collective legs here), the truth isn't 'laid out before our eyes' because Scientology wackjobs charge a fortune for us commoners to see it.

Posted by: lovelytagine at January 30, 2008 1:40 PM

Oh, and did I mention that Andrew Morton is a dead man?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 30, 2008 1:42 PM

Skittimus, it would bring me nothing but pleasure to aid you in your journey toward the truth. Send me your name, address and bank details and we will do our best to help you.

Posted by: Professor Science at January 30, 2008 1:42 PM

Oh, BSlim, be nice to the old man. He is not hip to our new-fangled technological ways. Why, I'm sure he'll discover the internet here soon...

Posted by: ScarletKnight at January 30, 2008 1:42 PM

I'm not going to lie, Morton's book sounds fascinating to say the least...but yeah, I don't exactly buy him as a credible source.

And to Professor Science: the Hubble Space Telescope is, in fact, named after one Edwin Hubble, an astronomer. Sorry to have to break the news to you.

Posted by: citizen_cris at January 30, 2008 1:45 PM

Is scientology really that different from every other nutjob religion out there? I mean Catholics hate heterosexuals and their priests molest children, some still believe the earth was created in 6 says and God (or whateva) rested on the 7th... and the LDS who think we get planets when we die to rule over, and their women aren't as holy as men... Or Hindus that pray to six armed vishnu, another god Shiva, and an elephan Genaisha, to name a few... and don't get me started with Muslims and Muhhamad (that's right, I named the bastard)... these are just to name a few, and ultimately they all try to control our lives either through missionaries, converts, or government... this country is going to hell in a handbag and tom is just barely the tip of the iceberg...

But I'll grant you, scientology is crazier than the rest... especially with the whole "you gotta pay to pray"... which is BULL.

Posted by: Nico at January 30, 2008 1:47 PM

Or so the pharmaceutical industry would have you believe.

Posted by: Professor Science at January 30, 2008 1:47 PM

When did this "Scientology is an evil criminal organization bent on world domination" meme start? Not making any excuses for that pack of nutjobs, but everything you say about Scientology (except maybe the weird secrecy) could be said about damn near any other religion. When a Scientologist gets elected President, I'll start worrying.

I suspect that a lot of it is generated by other religions because Scientology is starting to pose a threat to their dominance in the "batshit crazy beliefs" contest. Scientology is at the end of a pretty long line, as far as I can see. Seriously, nothing I've ever heard about Scientology or in defense of it sounds the least bit different from what other religions and its adherents spout just as matter-of-factly. The difference is, those other religions have thousands of years of crazy behind them.

Posted by: Slash at January 30, 2008 1:49 PM

Hey! No problem Mr. Professor fella. I'll give you all my bank info (I'm assuming you'll want my PIN number too, right), my passwords, um... well I guess a blank check isn't too much to ask, now is it?

How 'bout a vial of blood? My mother's maiden name? A ticket stub for the last Tom Cruise movie I went to? Sperm in a tube? Uh... am I leaving anything out? Oh yeah, I'll go ahead and remove the chunk of my brain you'll need, saving you the trouble...

Can't you just TELL me the truth? In turn, I'll give you a killer drink recipe for a little sumptin' I likes to call Thetan-Shooters...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 30, 2008 1:51 PM

Can we set up an Andrew Morton Legal Defense fund? At the very least we should contribute pants, because his are about to be sued off.

Posted by: Grrargh at January 30, 2008 1:52 PM

There is an unusually high usage of the word "meme" on this thread.

Is it today's word or something?

Did I miss a memo? On "meme"?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 30, 2008 1:53 PM

type: Catholics hate homosexuals... not heterosexuals...

Posted by: nico at January 30, 2008 1:54 PM

Religion is all just varying degrees of nonsense. Peace out.

Posted by: lovelytagine at January 30, 2008 1:59 PM

My mom read a book once that was a fictional (obviously) account of the second coming of Jesus. But when Jesus showed up again, he was a she, so of course a lot people denounced her and called her a liar. One of her teachings was that every religion on Earth is great -- right up until the moment they ask for money. You said it, girl.

I'd tell you the name of the book but my mom can't remember it...

Posted by: Todd at January 30, 2008 2:00 PM

Nico, I know some heterosexual Catholics who have massive amounts of self-loathing. Does that count?

Posted by: Grrargh at January 30, 2008 2:00 PM

I wish to present Professor Science with the Troll of the Day award.

Bravo, my good man.

Posted by: Seany D at January 30, 2008 2:02 PM

Oh come on, Professor Science is just messing with all of us... it's probably BSlim using an alias or something.

Posted by: b at January 30, 2008 2:04 PM

That should be "a lot OF people". Damn, typos drive me nuts.

Posted by: Todd at January 30, 2008 2:05 PM

Heh. Nicely played Professor Science. I mean, it's not much of an accomplishment in this context, maybe on the level of pulling a rabbit out of a rabbit hutch, but still, amusing.

Posted by: shoulders of orion at January 30, 2008 2:06 PM

"Is scientology really that different from every other nutjob religion out there? I mean Catholics hate heterosexuals and their priests molest children, some still believe the earth was created in 6 says and God (or whateva) rested on the 7th"

Hey now Nico! I'm Catholic and I restrict my molesting to myself and small animals. And God didn't rest on the 7th day, he was too busy creating beer taps and baseball. So sayeth Julie.

Posted by: Julie at January 30, 2008 2:08 PM

I think I'll probably just wait for the movie.

Posted by: MissNev at January 30, 2008 2:10 PM

Oh come on, Professor Science is just messing with all of us... it's probably BSlim using an alias or something.

Posted by: b at January 30, 2008 2:04 PM

--------------------------------------------------

Ha! how come I always get blamed for everything around here.

*leaves in a huff*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 30, 2008 2:11 PM

Even though the practical portion of my mind grapes agrees with the review in saying "Scientologists are morons", the ideological part is taken aback by the bashing of a religion and global conspiracy theories ("Scientologists are taking over the world through foreign poon!") put forth in the review and I'm assuming in Andrew Morton's book.

It seems easy to pick on Scientology because its myths/stories are so outlandish and their chosen demi-god is so socially awkward, but are the myths (we are all reincarnations of dead aliens) that far off from some chick named Mary got knocked up by God, or that 2 white folk in a garden ate an apple, got kicked out of said garden, and in essence we are all incestuous nth cousins, or that if dead people had shtupped their sisters-in-law when alive they come back as dung beetles?

Posted by: Siddhartha at January 30, 2008 2:11 PM

I wonder who will play Tom...

Posted by: Grrargh at January 30, 2008 2:13 PM

"I mean Catholics hate heterosexuals and their priests molest children" UM. I'm not even Catholic, but that's a loaded statement right there. And pretty ignorant (even without the typo).
Anyhoo, screw Morton, I'm worried about Jennifer McKeown. Girlfriend put her ass on the line reviewing this book. I think she needs some Pajibans to serve as temporary body guards. Since everybody's already armed and dangerous in preparation for Murderfest 2008, it shouldn't be too tough to organize.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 30, 2008 2:18 PM

If this part of the reviewers analysis is true then somewhat at Sciento HQ is totally out touch:

"...Consider Tom's last few girlfriends before marrying his "one and only," Katie. First, there was Penelope Cruz, so chosen to pave the way for Scientology in Spain. Then there was Sofia Vergara -- whom he dated just two weeks before falling head over heels in love with Katie Holmes -- who was chosen to start a recruitment drive in Latin America. Then there's Tom's choice of friends: the Beckhams, who can bring Scientology to England and Europe. Will and Jada Smith, who can open the African-American market. J-Lo and Marc Antony for the Hispanic market..."

Here's the problem with that little plan:

1. Penelope Cruz ain't setting either Spain OR the rest of the world on fire with her mmmmmm "career."

2. Sofia ...WHO!?!?!

3.Lady and Lord Cunt-Beckham? They're as hated in Europe as they are ignored here last I heard.

4. J-HO and Marc Anthony are you fucking kidding me? The only relevance her Assness had with Hispanics was when she played Selena, a century ago. And she married Marc WHO?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 30, 2008 2:20 PM

Rumour has it that the role will go to none other than Katie "got my mind wiped" Holmes.

They've got her taking a boatload of steroids as we speak...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 30, 2008 2:20 PM

I totally agree with the consensus above - Andrew Morton is going to come down with a bad case of "suicide" in the very near future.

Posted by: citizen_cris at January 30, 2008 2:20 PM

Hehehe - and with the door slamming behind BarbadoSlim, so ends the Professor's tirades?...

Posted by: b at January 30, 2008 2:21 PM

What do I know, I hated Waitress and enjoyed The Nanny Diaries. And I loved the soundtrack to Juno, I mean seriously, would The Clash have sounded more realistic? Perhaps I need to do a little religious soul-searching myself. I certainly need to buy some taste.

Posted by: lovelytagine at January 30, 2008 2:21 PM

Dustin, you really should do a google search on the All Your Base video. Internet classic.
I have to say, I never understood how Hubbard managed to convince so many people that he's a philosophical/religious genius (well, other than the "I've invested my life savings so I'm gonna believe it" and the low dose electro-shock therapy). I've read parts of several scientology books he wrote. He comes off as paranoid, narcissistic, delusional and, frankly, a really awful writer. (fun fact, the animosity between Scientology and the Psychiatric community stems in part from that electroshock stuff. The Psychiatric community didn't like Hubbard's group, y'know, shocking people. Hubbard got pissed. Declared war on Psychiatric community.)

Posted by: s. pisaster at January 30, 2008 2:22 PM

Catholics hate everyone, gay or straight. I cant judge scientology though because I've no idea what it's all about, and I have no desire to find out. (militant, fundementalist agnostic)

Posted by: Carrie at January 30, 2008 2:24 PM

Waitaminnit - so you're saying I just sent account information, bodily fluids, and my mother's address and place of employment to BarbadoSlim?

The fuck just happened?

Professor?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 30, 2008 2:25 PM

After my little brother got kicked out of every high school in our town, the Scientologists, bless 'em, took him in for schooling and did a good job with the whole sensible 'understand the words you are reading and you will understand what is being said' and all that useful kind of stuff. For the most part, they didn't attempt any indoctrination - not that it would have worked - he was a hardened former Catholic by that point, and if you don't want to eat pretend bodies and blood (free your heeeeeaaaads, zombie-eh-eh-eh-oh-oh-oh-oh...) then a few errant invasive aliens aren't gonna phase you too much. We were kinda poor though, so they made him a janitor in front of his classmates in order to pay for the schooling...mind you, he WAS a little punk, so that maybe wasn't too harsh a lesson to learn as a teen. If only he could market his Thetan Swiffer concept though.

Posted by: Rebeccah at January 30, 2008 2:26 PM

I'm NOT the Professor.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 30, 2008 2:27 PM

Professor Science has convinced me!

I'm off to write a check for my de-thetanization. Then I'll change my will and leave everything to Elron Hubble!

It's worth it to be clear and everything and maybe I'll get invited to TomKat's house for brunch!

Posted by: Jerce at January 30, 2008 2:30 PM

I ... am Spartacus!!!

Posted by: shoulders of orion at January 30, 2008 2:32 PM

I'm NOT the Professor.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 30, 2008 2:27 PM
---------------------

I know, I was just kidding. So it's really just Skittimus talking to himself?

Posted by: b at January 30, 2008 2:33 PM

Julie: ummm... I think I love you? self molestation, beer, AND baseball... if that is what is in store for me if I become a catholic, sign me up....

Posted by: Nico at January 30, 2008 2:34 PM

As a recovering Catholic AND fundamentalist Christian it is my growing opinion that ALL religion is bat shit insane. It's just that the older ones seem more respectable because so much time has passed since they came along (and they were often far less bat shit crazy than the other religions around them. I mean, think about how different Judaism and Christianity are/were from Greco-Roman paganism!). Give it a few thousand years and the fact that L. Ron Hubbard was a hack sci-fi writer the likes of which had not been seen since Joseph Smith (yeah, I went there) won't matter a single iota to anyone.

Posted by: Armando at January 30, 2008 2:34 PM

The other day I was strolling through the mall when I passed a kiosk loaded with copies of Dianetics and other "self help" books. Yeah, it was a Scientology kiosk. In Albany, New York. I swear to Xenu.

Posted by: Kolby at January 30, 2008 2:36 PM

"I believe that LRH is a great man, a man who has a greater understanding of the world than any who have lived in our age. He has an ability to percieve things that are beyond the reach of most, hench the naming the Hubble Space Telescope after him. If decorated scientists can recognise his abilities in such a public way, why do so many of the common people still refuse to accept the truth laid out before their eyes?"

Wait, huh? This is a put on, right? Erwin Hubble and L. Ron Hubbard were the same person?

Posted by: Armando at January 30, 2008 2:38 PM

Christians pay up just like Scientologists do. The only difference is that Christianity indoctrinates you first, THEN asks for money. Tithing used to be mandatory, or you didn't get into heaven - it's just evolved a little since then. I actually respect Scientology for saying up front that it's going to cost you. Of course, they're still crazy.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at January 30, 2008 2:45 PM

Dustin seriously, you old grampa car, don't you remember All Your Base Are Belong to Us? One of the first big viral videos?

Sheesh. Where were you in 2000?

Posted by: Alabamapink at January 30, 2008 2:50 PM

I can't tell if you're serious or just being sarcastic, Professor Science.
I've visited a Scientology service and took a tour of the offices. Their ways of childcare are astoundingly detrimental and I find it odd that even though they hate psychology and psychiatry, they have their own form of therapy: auditing. Which, as I understand it, consists of a person using an E-meter {which is supposed to read flares of brain activity through the hands} to help a person figure out their problems.

Aside from being an organization with absolutely no scruples or concept of restraint {Wikipedia has some very interesting things on the topics of Operation Snow White and Operation Freakout}, I find it abhorrent that they'd blame the Holocaust and 9/11 on psychiatry. And that they make claims that therapists use their power to sexually abuse their patients.
I've been seeing my therapist for a few years. Before him, I was a mess of clinical depression, closeted beyond belief and paralyzed with anxiety. Because he helped me figure out what was going on, helped me face my psyche, helped me figure out ways to overcome my problems, I am living a much happier and fuller life.

And no cult will ever make me feel differently. I'm so buying that book and I'd just like to say: I support the Anonymous legion that's been making moves lately. More power to them.

Posted by: Saint Saturn Sunshine at January 30, 2008 2:59 PM

Three-nineteen- you are wrong, you will not go to hell for not tithing. Maybe it was that way in the old testament, but not since the new one was written. Is this going to turn into a christian bashing time? Cause if it is I will probably just stop reading. That stuff gets old and super judgemental fast.

Posted by: Erin at January 30, 2008 3:00 PM

As scary as Scientologists are, I'm much more afraid of fundamentalist Christians. Maybe it's a case of fearing the evil I do know more than the one I don't. They're also much more mainstream and accepted among the general population than Scientology is. Huckabee may not be a serious contender but he certainly got some people's votes. [shudder]

Posted by: JanetFaust at January 30, 2008 3:06 PM

Also, to B-Slim: TOTALLY there with you on Tom loving some cock.
My roommate's pretty passionate about the idea that he's gay.
Her logic being that while with Nicole, they couldn't have kids. Yet now that Tom is with Katie and Nicole is with Keith, suddenly they're both having children.
I have to say, she makes a good point.

Posted by: Saint Saturn Sunshine at January 30, 2008 3:06 PM

Just a little more ammo against the Scientology bastards, I have, my man, Tycho Brahe giving up a link over at Penny Arcade. It is near the end of his post, so, um, enjoy?

Posted by: ScarletKnight at January 30, 2008 3:07 PM

I remember this sweetheart of a "religion" telling my quadriplegic uncle that the only reason he was still paralyzed was because it was a "mind over matter" issue. They truly believe that if he concentrated hard enough on being "clear" in his mind, he would walk again. They believe the same for mental illnesses, broken limbs, diabetes, seizures, etc, etc, etc. All we need to do to fix these ailments is go back in our minds to the source of "trauma" that caused it, and focus on changing it. Hence, if my uncle thinks very very hard about the big car that ran him down like a dog in the road, he will be healed.

Fucking classy.

Posted by: Leanne at January 30, 2008 3:09 PM

Dustin, you may attract geeks, but you sir are no geek. That's ok though, I wouldn't have known about All Your Base either if it weren't for my geek husband.

I wouldn't be too worried about a potential Scientology take over. Are there actually any non-celebrity scientologists? It seems to me like most of the public considers them dangerous at worst, and crazy at best. But this book does strike me as a tad sensationalist. I wouldn't put much stock in its claims, but I'm sure the Scientology bashing is thoroughly entertaining.

Posted by: katy at January 30, 2008 3:11 PM

"The Professor and Mary Ann!"

Sorry, got that out of my system now....

Ok, just a thought - neither defending nor excoriating: but we now live in an age where we are seriously open to considering the possibility of life on other planets, right? Like we're just waiting for the aliens to clear quarantine at area 51?

So, if'n it actually is possible, if not probable that there is sentient life on other planets, then who knows what said aliens are capable of doing? Maybe they're actually the bat shit crazy ones who have some kind of soul infecting laser beams or something, and we need to mac up our Earth Defences asap, or risk becoming Vogon side dishes in an intergalactic buffet.

In a scientifico-centric age that advocates the death of traditional "religion" as baseless superstition, are not the possibilities of interactions with aliens not considered de rigeur now?

I mean, come on. Star Trek anyone? Dr Who? X-Files? Stargate SG-1?

Although, I'm not if sure low level electric shock treatment is necessarily the way to fight back. Personally, I'd go for the big honkin space gun.

Posted by: Odnon at January 30, 2008 3:17 PM

Todd- the book is called the Second Greatest Story Ever Told by Gorman Bechard

Posted by: Jayne at January 30, 2008 3:17 PM

Todd- the book is called the Second Greatest Story Ever Told by Gorman Bechard

Posted by: Jayne at January 30, 2008 3:21 PM

Interesting timing, and since you mentioned memes:

Anyone else watching the information on 'Anonymous declares war on Scientology' unfold and spread?

Posted by: lunabelle at January 30, 2008 3:22 PM

Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for 20 years?

Posted by: Incendiary Catwoman at January 30, 2008 3:25 PM

As a recovering Catholic, I think it is safe to say that the official Catholic church hates homosexuals (or at least those who practice, thus drawing a nice, but fairly meaningless distinction), but most lay Catholics have never been that good at towing the doctrinal line on most things. Thus, to say all Catholics hate gays is wrong, but certainly the church says you should. (Hence the recovering portion of my self-description)

Posted by: Alarmjaguar at January 30, 2008 3:38 PM

It's easy to make the comparison that Scientology is no different from other religions in terms of batshit crazy beliefs. Immaculate conception is ridiculous, as is a heaven full of eager virgins. However, the difference between Scientology and other religions is that they "urge" their follwers to cut off completely from non-believers. Most mothers who leave never see their children, most kids who leave never see their parents, etc., etc. That is truly scary.

Posted by: Lauren at January 30, 2008 3:40 PM

It's easy to make the comparison that Scientology is no different from other religions in terms of batshit crazy beliefs. Immaculate conception is ridiculous, as is a heaven full of eager virgins. However, the difference between Scientology and other religions is that they "urge" their follwers to cut off completely from non-believers. Most mothers who leave never see their children, most kids who leave never see their parents, etc., etc. That is truly scary.

Posted by: Lauren at January 30, 2008 3:40 PM

Lauren, is that any different than what the catholic church used to do with excommunication? anyone know the spanish inquisition...what a show... the inquisition...here we go...(alright got that out of my system...love me some mel brooks).. or that some Jewish families will disown their children if they marry a non-jew? Or catholic family disowning for marrying a different religion (happened to family member), or a muslim killing his own family cuz they are of a different religion?

Nowadays most people aren't that obsessed or crazy, however, other religions have had hundreds or thousands of years to become more tolerant, instead of just fifty or sixty.

Posted by: nico at January 30, 2008 3:47 PM

Tom Cruise might have genetic weirdness as well as Scientology-induced weirdness.

Ever looked at his teeth? Go ahead, do it. Notice anything weird? He has a central incisor. That's right, one tooth in the middle of his face, neatly lined up with his nose. All his dental work a while back was at least partly to hide this giant tooth, so good luck finding an early picture of him with a smile. A midline incisor is a sign of incomplete holoprosencephaly, a syndrome that can also lead to a single eye (cyclopia) and a tubular nose in the middle of your forehead, among other delights. Sure, it might be an isolated anomaly. But...

Tom and Nicole had several miscarriages while married. Babies with this gene mutation are usually stillborn or automatically aborted. So Suri's either very lucky or not related. (I guess that makes her very lucky either way.)

By his own account, Tom's biological father was mildly retarded and beat him as a child. Mild retardation, with or without violent behaviors, can also be part of incomplete holoprosencephaly syndrome.

On a related note, he has claimed that Scienuttjobbery has magically cured his dyslexia. The genes involved with this syndrome play a role in brain development. Hmmm. Not to mention the fact that a decreased mental competency would be tremendously helpful when attempting to swallow the dogma of his beloved cult.

Just some food for thought from a genetics nerd. Spread the word: Tom Cruise is a tooth-clops!

Posted by: ellemkay at January 30, 2008 3:47 PM

Hey Todd... There's SGSET as mentioned above, and you may also be interested in Only Begotten Daughter, by James Morrow. Jesus has a sister, only she's born in the 20th century. Good stuff!

Posted by: curegirl0421 at January 30, 2008 3:49 PM

There's a whole lot of SPs up in this bitch.

Posted by: TL at January 30, 2008 3:56 PM

Julie! I've never met someone who had the exact same view on Catholicism as I do! If you live in the Boston area, I'd say let's go out and celebrate the Sabbath the way God intended!

Posted by: Jessica at January 30, 2008 4:21 PM

Posted by: gunter at January 30, 2008 1:12 PM

But I'm broke, Professor Science. Is there a way I can have an audit done for free?

Don't I have to have money to free my tortured alien souls?

Isn't there a thetan enema kit or something, so I can just doo-doo them out?


The only way to get free auditing is to join the Sea Org and work 14 hours a day for free. Still interested?

Posted by: Dano at January 30, 2008 4:28 PM

Hee! Jessica, I'm in Philly, but I'll be sure to continue to drink beer and not attend Mass on Sundays in your honor :p

Posted by: Julie at January 30, 2008 4:38 PM

"RELIGION" is something created by humans.

"GOD" is a phenomenon (*Do Dooooo Do Doo Do) realized by humans.

Humans then create religion to help them deal with that realization, as well as for other (perhaps) more practical reasons.

I'm gonna ask for a big favor now, just stay with me. Put your personal beliefs aside for a moment and look at history objectively. (I know, an easy one, just stay with me here for one more moment!)

Judaism - If you live in a hot desert climate, food is difficult to obtain. Pigs eat the same kind of food that humans do. Not cooked properly it has all kinds of beasties that will kill you quickly. Makes sense to stay away from it. Made into law to abstain from pork.

Muslim - Halal Food law, forbidden from consuming pork, alcohol, blood, meat dedicated to false gods, etc. Very popular to slaughter an animal at shrine. Someone really hungry could be tempted to snack upon something quick after visiting hours are over. Even more beasties around now that it has been lying around dead for a while. (Meat not slaughtered properly, not preserved with safe food handling practices) Makes a whole lot of sense to ban something that will kill you if you eat it.

Japan - If you live on an ISLAND and eat a whole lotta rice, it is in your best interest that it get planted and harvested on time. Nobody likes to do hard work. As long as everyone is together though, why not make it a party? Have a Harvest Festival.

India - Gee there are a whole lot of people here. Rough estimate takes about 17 pounds of grain for each 1 pound of beef returned. Much faster to feed the grain right to the people. What is that you say? Using Cattle can help make farming a faster? Planting, tilling fields, hauling said crop harvest around? A little kid can handle a oxen team in the field if yoked and set up properly? Sweet! Problem with people still craving steak though. Just so no one gets any ideas... (cows considered sacred)

If you are observant, you may be able to detect a pattern here. (May retrieve personal beliefs now)

Other tactics used to keep and/or spread a Religion around are covered in Politics. This is Sociology.

Glancing over Archeology and World Religion, 2 of the few things that separate "Humans" from "Everything Else" since the beginning of time are..

1 - Ability to articulate personal concepts at an advanced level. And

2 - Ability to create Physical Art.

There is a whole lot of art done with some sort of reference to some sort of God.

Think about that for a moment.

There has to be something to that.

And so that wraps up class for the day. REMEMBER YOUR HOMEWORK is to please, tell someone you Love them.

"Love is the touchstone by which the reality of truth is perceived, and by it shall all people know that ye are My disciples." -John xiii.35

"God is a God of order, but the order must agree with the leading of the Holy Spirit otherwise it will be useless." -SADHU SUNDAR SINGH

(*Muppet's reference)

Posted by: Jennifer at January 30, 2008 4:40 PM

Julie>> I didn't read all the comments on this thread, and you probably won't come back and scan this far down, but the alternative book you might be looking for is Hollywood Undercover by Ian Halperin.

Posted by: Darth Corleone at January 30, 2008 4:52 PM

I'd like to ask Professor Science about Gore Vidal's claim that LRH once bet him $25 that he could create a religion out of thin air. The punch line to this anecdote, if true, is that he never bothered to collect....

Posted by: sansho1 at January 30, 2008 4:58 PM

Sansho1: could you maybe show me a source for that. Some friends and I are doing some independent research and I wouldn't mind having that bit of info.

Posted by: Saint Saturn Sunshine at January 30, 2008 5:05 PM

SSS:

IIRC, he made the claim in a piece for The Nation shortly after Hubbard's death in 1986. Unfortunately, their online stacks don't go back that far, and I've been unable to find another reference. You might try contacting the magazine -- good luck.

Posted by: sansho1 at January 30, 2008 5:22 PM

Erin - I did not mean that the Bible says you need to tithe. I'm saying that back in the Middle Ages, when regular people couldn't read, they had to rely on the priesthood to tell them what the Bible says. And the priests told them that they had to tithe to the Church in order to go to heaven. That's one reason why the Catholic church is so rich. Today, if you turn on a religious program on TV, they are invariably telling all their viewers to send in money in support of "holy works". A lot of these people believe that if they give money to the church, it will help them get into heaven.

I haven't read any of Scientology's religious doctrine, so I don't know if it says in their religious teachings that members have to pay for their auditing or tithe. My guess would be that the people running things instituted the payment policy, not the teachings. Who knows, maybe in a thousand years when Scientology is the main religion on Earth and the colonial planets, the payments will become "voluntary" just like in Christianity.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at January 30, 2008 5:38 PM

Funny story: My mom picked up a book on the Church of Christ, Scientist (she enjoys reading books on different aspects of the Christian religion and what other people believe because she finds it interesting.) She called me up and said, "I bought this interesting book on Scientology today!"

I had to explain to her that they were two different things, that I'm pretty sure no Christian believes that inside us dwell the souls of dead aliens that came to earth on Douglas DC-8 airliners and were thrown into volcanoes. She couldn't stop laughing.

I find it kind of funny that Scientology blames 9/11 on psychiatrists. So, crazy zealous nutjobs accuse psychiatrists for the work of other crazy zealous nutjobs? I think there's more going on here than we can blame on just a handful of people with degrees in psychology.

Posted by: marty at January 30, 2008 5:38 PM

I keep seeing comments that $cientology is no different than other religions. Well I'm and atheist and I've done my homework and let me just say yes it is. It's not a religion, it's a cult. Even though I'm not a believer of their philosophies there are historical records of the cited religious leaders having actually existed. Unlike Xenu who was a figment of a pathological liars imagination. Other than the money aspect, the Clams have committed numerous crimes including breaking into IRS offices, fraud, blackmail, illegal wire tapping, planting of evidence, assault and even murder. Google Lisa McPherson for one example. Even LRH's wife was convicted and imprisoned on federal charges along with several other Clams. If you want a historical reference for their operations look no further than Jim Jones. Their numbers aren't as great as they report, but they have very wealthy and very connected members. As you know money can buy you anything including power. If you care to find out just how f'd up the Clams and Tammy are go to http://www.xenu.net/. You can read all about the craziness from former members.

Posted by: Spig at January 30, 2008 5:40 PM

This religion was created by a science fiction novel author and it involves aliens...nuff' said!

Posted by: Angelmonster at January 30, 2008 5:42 PM

Just one more thing. I don't think that word means what you think it means (Princess Bride.
The Immaculate Conception is, according to Roman Catholic dogma, the conception of Mary, the mother of Jesus without any stain of original sin, in her mother's womb.
It isn't about the conception of Jesus.

Posted by: Spig at January 30, 2008 5:47 PM

Just one more thing. I don't think that word means what you think it means (Princess Bride.
The Immaculate Conception is, according to Roman Catholic dogma, the conception of Mary, the mother of Jesus without any stain of original sin, in her mother's womb.
It isn't about the conception of Jesus.

Posted by: Spig at January 30, 2008 5:47 PM

Yeah, I'm an atheist too, and as far as I can see, the only difference between a cult and a religion is numbers. Numbers of adherents and time. 2,000 years ago, Christianity was considered a dangerous cult by the Romans.

Who the fuck is Tammy? And WTF are Clams? No way in hell I'm clicking on that link. Use common English words and phrases, please.

I have no problem believing that asshole thugs paid by Scientologists have done all kinds of criminal things, but again, nothing that other religious organizations haven't already done. Hell, our own government has done most of that shit. But until Scientologists get themselves elected to public office, I'll decline to shit a brick over them. I think that's giving them too much credit. I consider them no more dangerous than soccer moms and Mary Kay ladies. Actually, they might be less dangerous than both of those groups.

Posted by: Slash at January 30, 2008 6:13 PM

While I have no doubt that these people are wackjobs and likely plotting world domination in much the manner of Pinky and the Brain, I gotta agree with Kate, since when did Andrew Morton become credible?

Posted by: MG at January 30, 2008 1:32 PM

MG, I will have to kindly ask you to leave Pinky and The Brain out of this. They have good intentions.

LRH famously once said "If you want to make money, start your own religion". Shortly after this, he released Dianetics.

$cientology = Batshit crazy.

Posted by: Melody at January 30, 2008 6:19 PM

I don't care what religious beliefs Tom Cruise has, or anyone else. I believe that everyone should be free to believe whatever they want to. The only limitations I would put on that is that they are not allowed to harm others or to interfere with the beliefs of others.
Every religion claims that it is the one, true faith, and that it and only it has all the answers. The problem is that many religions then try forcing their beliefs onto others, whether that is the Scientologists versus psychiatry or fundamentalist Christians versus evolution to give but two examples.
We are all residents of the planet Earth, a small and insignificant speck within the vastness of the universe. In the entire universe there is only one of each of us, and yet we are all part of something greater called the human race, which is itself part of that which is known as Life on Earth. For the sake of all of us, both as individuals and as a species, and for the sake of all other forms of life that live upon this planet with us, we must learn how to live together peaceably, with respect for the beliefs of others. We do not need to agree with each other, indeed our disagreements often lead to new and better ideas. What we must do is learn to respect each other at least enough to recognize that to each of us our own beliefs are true and that just because someone else's beliefs may be different, that does not make them any less valid. If we stopped trying to force our beliefs onto others, this would be a much more pleasant world. At least, that's what I believe, you may believe otherwise. And that's ok.

Posted by: CptCrckpot at January 30, 2008 6:28 PM

love the closing remark.

Posted by: Stuart at January 30, 2008 7:21 PM

Are there any bookies out there yet who are taking punters money on; 1. Tom Cruise being assassinated and 2. then becoming a martyr for his beliefs. I'm seriously surprised attempts haven't already been made.

Posted by: Dexter Morgan at January 30, 2008 7:36 PM

"*hench* the naming the Hubble Space Telescope after him."

Heh. Don't type drunk, Professor Science. Pahsh me the ashprin.

Posted by: Loob at January 30, 2008 7:49 PM

I cannot agree that Scientology is just 'the same as other religions' as fucked up as some of those may be.

Forget the Xenu bullshit, these guys are hell bent on infiltrating government positions and destroying dissent ruthlessly and fully.

We are not talking about the something they BELIEVE, but what they do about it.

And more than one life has been ruined by them. Think about it for a second. They pray on the mentally ill, tell them to stop taking their prescriptions, brainwash them to be utterly dependent on the 'church' and to give money to them whenever they have it. People have ended up broke, traumatized, and dead.

This is Jim Jones/David Koresh level shit we're talking about, hell it's about on par with the worst of the Mormon sects (you know the ones who live in isolated towns and practice the old ways of women being owned and polygamy).

I know it seems like people overreact to Scientology but when you actually look into the history, the real history into what they've done I cannot see how you can say it isn't a very dangerous organization run by very determined and very hostile people. It's the very defintion of religious extremism in America.

That said, the Andrew Morton book probably isn't the best source for all of this.

Posted by: Andrew831 at January 30, 2008 9:09 PM

tt_marie:

I will gladly join the bodyguard brigade.

Julie:

Fellow "buffet Catholic" in Philly. I'm feeling you, girl.

Posted by: Nicole at January 30, 2008 9:27 PM

tt_marie:

I will gladly join the bodyguard brigade.

Julie:

Fellow "buffet Catholic" in Philly. I'm feeling you, girl.

Posted by: Nicole at January 30, 2008 9:27 PM

I'd like to ask Professor Science about Gore Vidal's claim that LRH once bet him $25 that he could create a religion out of thin air. The punch line to this anecdote, if true, is that he never bothered to collect....

Posted by: sansho1 at January 30, 2008 4:58 PM

I was going to stay out of this discussion because it's been going on for a long time without me. But this leads into the point that I was going to make in the first place, so I'll say my piece:

L. Ron Hubbard was a writer. A WRITER!

Granted, by all accounts, a relatively crappy writer, but still--he made his living by making shit up.

Now, it's been my experience that most people in the artistic fields have a pretty healthy ego, and as a writer myself I can honestly say (though it may not be as eloquent as I'd like as it's late): if someone told me that were I to pull an entire religion out of my ass that starts out as campy, sci/fi rhetoric that would be come accepted as truth AND that by default I myself would be practically worshiped within the confines of said religion because I'm the one who "saw the truth" and people would give me ACTUAL MONEY for it?

Dude, I'd do it too. I mean really.

Posted by: Scarlett at January 30, 2008 10:18 PM

Julie: I'm raising a glass to you on Sunday!

I'm in love with "tooth-clops". Can that go on a t-shirt? Or maybe just the front bumper of the '08 Spree van?

Posted by: demondoll at January 30, 2008 10:46 PM

Um, back to the book review: as other people have mentioned, Andrew Morton is not what you'd call an impeccable source. So I am pretty surprised to see this review here on good ol' cynical Pajiba, because it sure seems like McKeown bought Morton's bullshit hook line and sinker.

Posted by: oaklandcat at January 30, 2008 11:40 PM

Also, Jennifer, pigs require a wet, cool environment out of direct sunlight, as they don't sweat and have no fur to protect their skin (that's why they roll in mud. Cools them, and covers the skin). In a desert, such an enclosure is either impossible or extremely expensive (as far as the time involved in labor, not just money, I mean) to make, so that could be why pork is forbidden.

Posted by: Bob at January 31, 2008 12:26 AM

I miss Professor Science. Come back!!! I'm bored!!!!

Posted by: Queen Lena at January 31, 2008 12:46 AM

Alot of people don't actually have particular issues with the beliefs of Scientology (as bogus as they may be), but the Church of Scientology, as in the organization, which has infiltrated the US government, been involved in countless murder plots and is otherwise exploitative and pretty terrifying. I believe there's a religious group called "Freezone" which offer Scientology's teachings without all the terrifying cultish behaviour.

Posted by: teacupnosaucer at January 31, 2008 12:49 AM

As a practicing Mormon, I realize that most people think my religion is crazy and so I really shouldn't judge another's beliefs. Within any religion, I hope that the main message is to love your neighbor and be kind to others. I also hope people are willing to be educated about their judgments of another religion. Scientology looks crazy to me, but I hope they're trying to make good people.

Posted by: kelsy at January 31, 2008 1:13 AM

As a Psychologist-in-study, I do think they're different ... and not just because they think my people caused 9/11 and the Holocaust.

But they maim and kill people. Like the Christian Scientists who believe their teaching, they go and take people who need care and help and keep them from getting the help they need.

No matter what else, screw them for that.

Posted by: Fuggle at January 31, 2008 2:55 AM

Ellemkay,
The tooth is out there! (Sorry, I just couldn't resist!) I googled Tom Cruise and found a picture of him as a child. Then, in the nature of true Scientology conspiracy, couldn't find the original link. So you're all stuck with the crap one.
www.sivacracy.net/2005/ 08/hope_for_us_all.html

Regardless, I think it shows the REAL threat to human society. Forget the scientologists, Tom Cruise's crazy, out of control tooth is out to take over the world!

I'm going to go hide now.

Posted by: Fleur at January 31, 2008 5:49 AM

Thanks, Jayne and curegirl0421!

Posted by: Todd at January 31, 2008 8:32 AM

"Scientologists view Tom as their Messiah (no, really, they do), credited with saving the organization after it nearly folded in the late 80s".

Ah Tom why did you have to go and do that eh?

As for Scientology imo it is nothing more than a dangerous cult. It treats it celebrity members and those with money like gold and the members with very little money like dirt. Thank God for the internet; without it many of us would be blind to how dangerous Scientology really is.

It's amazing how quickly Tom Cruise has gone from being regarded as nothing more than a hot young actor and Hollyweird's golden boy to a figure of fun. BUT he should never have sacked his publicist Pat Kingsley in 2005 and replaced her with his sister. BTW - his sister is no longer his publicist and he has a proper one now.

Posted by: Neena at January 31, 2008 8:48 AM

theunfunnytruth.ytmnd.com

Project Chanology - Google it

PRAISE XENU!

Posted by: Endedrural at January 31, 2008 9:17 AM

Clams=$cienos, they believe we evovled from clams.
Tammy=Tom Cruise, his womanly hips and moobs (man boobs)
xenu.net=Operation Clambake. It's website dedicated to making sure that the truth about Scientology and not the bullshit public face they put on is revealed.
I agree at one time Christianity was considered a cult, however they never charged top dollar to learn the message they were spreading. if you know any devote Christians one thing you will find is that they are all about sharing their faith and without charge. Sometimes you might wish they would keep some of it to themselves, but that's not going to happen.

Posted by: Spig at January 31, 2008 11:03 AM

As idiotic as some posters think religious people are, many of you are equally idiotic in equating fringe groups (i.e. Catholicism = membership in Opus Dei, Mormonism = polygamy for all) with mainstream practice. There are fundamentalists in every religion, but that doesn't mean the rest of us in the mainstream don't think they're batshit crazy.

With that said, I do think Scientology is an entirely different story. Is it crazy that I actually feel kind of bad for Tom Cruise? Yes, he's a total shitstain and control freak, but what happened in this dude's life to make him cling to such insanity?

Posted by: Samantha T at January 31, 2008 11:33 AM

I feel I have nothing to fear from these wackjobs. I am not rich or famous enough to be of any use.

Posted by: erika at January 31, 2008 2:21 PM

Check this out:
Funny or sad?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCGP-0545EU

Posted by: agente provocatrice at January 31, 2008 4:03 PM

To ellemkay:

Thank you for shedding some light on what I've always noticed about Tom Cruise. Back in high school (in the 80s) when I guess it was popular for girls to swoon over him, I couldn't understand how no one seemed to notice that his midsagittal line is a complete mess. Go watch Risky Business for a young Tom Cruise smiling...he is not a symetrical being.

Posted by: Adam at January 31, 2008 4:53 PM

If Scientology is so great, all-powerful and destiny-shaping as Cruise purports, why the hell can't it save his faltering career? O Thetan, Where Art Thou?

Posted by: Justine at January 31, 2008 8:17 PM

If Scientology is so powerful, all knowing and destiny-oriented, why the heck can it not save Tom Cruise's faltering career/image? O Thetan, Where Art Thou?

I say, refund!

Posted by: Justine at January 31, 2008 8:20 PM

If Scientology is so powerful, all knowing and destiny-oriented, why the heck can it not save Tom Cruise's faltering career/image? O Thetan, Where Art Thou?

I say, refund!

Posted by: Justine at January 31, 2008 8:21 PM

Maybe I underestimated his power! Triple post! My bad!

Posted by: justine at January 31, 2008 8:23 PM

Dear professor whatsyourface, who in his right mind could believe that the hubble telescope was named after L.Ron Hubbard? It was actually named after Edwin Hubble. Hubbard was a crook. I can say from personnal experience that most scienthologist are nice decent people but the organization itself is downright evil and the rest of the world should be aware of that.

Posted by: aristide bruant at January 31, 2008 11:30 PM

Sounds like an interesting fiction novel to lie down by the fireplace with....

Seriously, we're all fucking mental and controlling and vindictive to some degree. We all believe in crazy shit and get mad at each other for not believing in the same crazy shit.

Just relax and enjoy the insanity.

Posted by: kristin at February 1, 2008 2:54 AM

Dear Professor Science.

I too miss you. When's the next DC-8 leaving? Please take me with you!

Posted by: rocky at February 1, 2008 8:11 AM

For all those who say scientology is no different than any other religion - that is wrong. Scientology is a cult but a well-organized cult which can make it seem more legit. They are also very, very scary.

I live in Clearwater and thought like you did until I started doing more research. Go to xenu.net like sprig said - you will see lots of info there from former members of scientology and people who have lost family members to this craziness.

I thought they were all pretty harmless until I was sitting outside at the Starbucks a few months ago sipping my coffee and watching a Sea Org drone (this is an elite member of the cult) pretend to do be measuring the sidewalk not 5 feet from me. What he was actually doing was monitoring and recording the movements of everyone on the street.

I got so unnerved by him that I began glaring and then another drone came out of their office building across the street and they began whispering to each other and glancing my way. As I left, I saw the first drone take a photo of my license plate number. I'm sure they've looked me up and have me labeled as an "SP" (suppresive person).

As much as I giggle sometimes to watch them hurry to and fro downtown, I am NOT about to mess with that shit. Scientologists are all batshit crazy and are not to be taken lightly.

Posted by: jodeci at February 1, 2008 9:51 AM

Check out "Bare-faced Messiah: The True Story of L. Ron Hubbard" by Russell Miller.

Posted by: OldSchool at February 1, 2008 12:27 PM

"Germany considers Scientologists a fascist organization akin to the Nazis." -- and rightly so!

Posted by: Arthur Dent at February 1, 2008 10:01 PM

Personally I think Scientology is one of the sillier religions. But certainly it's been far less dangerous to others than garden variety Christian sects over the centuries.

What I don't get is why the writer seems to have such a one sided attitude. Andrew Morton is a classic sleezeball who's cashing in on the fame of Cruize and the weirdness of his religion. So why should anyone with brains believe a word he says?

And the writer's core mindset, that Tom and Scientology plan "world domination" is just plain dumb. So what if Tom has convinced a few of his friends to dabble in the religion? Does that make his friends mindless clones? Does that mean they have a rat's chance of convincing the rest of us to join up? No.

The fact is that all of these celebrities have their own free wills. Beckham or Will Smith may get into (or out of) this religion. But that doesn't make them robots who need to be deprogrammed.

Sure lots of people who are into it take it way too seriously. But then again, I'd say the same about lots of hard core Democrats and Republicans, or folks into guns or Trekies.

Humans love to obsess. But lets not make it into a world conspiracy.

Posted by: TimT at February 2, 2008 10:17 AM

Slash posted the perfect response:

I suspect that a lot of it is generated by other religions because Scientology is starting to pose a threat to their dominance in the "batshit crazy beliefs" contest. Scientology is at the end of a pretty long line, as far as I can see. Seriously, nothing I've ever heard about Scientology or in defense of it sounds the least bit different from what other religions and its adherents spout just as matter-of-factly. The difference is, those other religions have thousands of years of crazy behind them.

Should have left it at that without the incendiary examples provided, which only serve to turn it into a "My religion isn't crazy but YOURS is" debate.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at February 2, 2008 11:41 AM

Now we know who really is the GLIB one!

Posted by: Buzzkut at February 3, 2008 12:26 AM

Freaked the fuck out by these and other tactics of the "Church"?

DIGG THIS REVIEW FOR GREAT JUSTICE!

http://digg.com/people/Pajiba_Reviews_Tom_Cruise_Biography_Freaks_People_Out

Posted by: It goes on Anon at February 3, 2008 10:45 PM

Professor Science, please come home with me and meet my Southern Baptist mother. I have problems with her disapproving of every boy I date and I have a feeling an hour of your presence will give me a free pass for the rest of my life.

XOXO,

- BLA

Posted by: BLA at February 4, 2008 10:34 PM

Nothing terrible to happen to Andrew Morton...Matt Stone and Trey Parker are fine aren't they? And if they take him to court..hey, there's no such thing as bad publicity.

Posted by: ricky at February 6, 2008 1:12 PM

Nothing terrible to happen to Andrew Morton...Matt Stone and Trey Parker are fine aren't they? And if they take him to court..hey, there's no such thing as bad publicity.

Posted by: ricky at February 6, 2008 1:12 PM

The difference to me between the established religions and Scientology is that at their core they all teach basic moral tenants that are for most part good to follow. Don't steal, don't kill, give to the poor. Scientology doesn't seem to teach anything. It seems to just want loads of money and to indoctrinate it's members into a hating all non members, hating psychiatry, and loving vitamins and exercise. The last part is good, I guess, but the rest is bullshit.

I don't know if the book is true or not and I don't really care. I have better things to do with my time. I don't care about this religion or its members, when they break the law, I'll care, until than if they want to wait for an alien to save the fine by me.

Posted by: LittleDead at February 6, 2008 11:29 PM

BTW it's "somebody SET UP us the bomb".

Posted by: Maximus at March 15, 2008 2:12 PM

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http://www.angusrobertson.com.au/ >Angus and Robertson Bookstore
http://www.paknights.com/

Posted by: Leeann Wood at June 14, 2008 10:48 AM