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January 30, 2008 |

By Miscellaneous | Books | January 30, 2008 |

That Tom Cruise is batshit crazy has been pretty much common knowledge ever since he jumped on Oprah’s couch in May 2005. Few realize, however, that his insanity is not a recent development; in fact, the “real” person at the heart of the well-known celebrity has, in all likelihood, not existed for many years. Who is the real Tom Cruise? Perhaps not even Tom himself knows the answer, although it is doubtful he’d ever admit it.

After reading Andrew Morton’s unauthorized biography, one finds it difficult to believe the individual christened Thomas Cruise Mapother IV still exists, even to himself; instead, he is constantly performing, his true personality having been effaced years ago. Even more astounding is the fact that Cruise has apparently, thanks to the wonders of Scientology, been walking around in a self-induced hypnotic trance for years. That he never stops acting — even when surrounded by friends and family — should not come as much of a surprise; friends reported his personality a performance even when Cruise was a teen. Such obliteration of his individuality intensified after Scientology, perhaps one of the scariest organizations operating today, began controlling every aspect of Cruise’s life. Tom, for his part, wouldn’t have it any other way.

Andrew Morton must be commended for his unblinking scrutiny of both Cruise and the organization to which Cruise has dedicated his life. Scientology has a long history of intimidating and harassing those who speak against it. Morton outlines some of the techniques employed by Scientologists, and it takes a man with nerves of steel to stand so publicly against them. (For example, one woman who left and denounced the organization later committed suicide by shooting herself with a rifle … three times. Because, you know, she was a really bad shot. For the record, Scientology denies any involvement in her death. Obviously.)

Tom, however, has nothing to fear from them. Scientologists view Tom as their Messiah (no, really, they do), credited with saving the organization after it nearly folded in the late 80s. So much is Tom the Messiah that many Scientologists believed Suri would bear the reincarnated soul of L. Ron Hubbard back to life. Shockingly, they were wrong.

It’s easy to mock Scientology: these fucking morons actually believe that we are inhabited by the souls of dead aliens. Members must dedicate their entire lives to Scientology, even having abortions and cutting off family members when the organization commands it. But while it’s easy (and fun!) to mock them, underestimating them is deadly. As Morton proves, Scientology is an extremely dangerous organization that is, without a single ounce of exaggeration, hell-bent on taking over the world. No wonder Germany balked at Tom playing the role of Claus von Stauffenberg, one of its champions of democracy: Germany considers Scientologists a fascist organization akin to the Nazis.

A close inspection of Tom’s close friends lends credence to the belief that Scientology is planning world domination. Consider Tom’s last few girlfriends before marrying his “one and only,” Katie. First, there was Penelope Cruz, so chosen to pave the way for Scientology in Spain. Then there was Sofia Vergara — whom he dated just two weeks before falling head over heels in love with Katie Holmes — who was chosen to start a recruitment drive in Latin America. Then there’s Tom’s choice of friends: the Beckhams, who can bring Scientology to England and Europe. Will and Jada Smith, who can open the African-American market. J-Lo and Marc Antony for the Hispanic market. Like I said, these crazy bastards are dangerous.

The danger is intensified when one considers that the highly-revered Operating Thetan VII (that’s big-time important, just so you know) has used his celebrity status to gain access to top officials like Scooter Libby to lobby for bills that support his nutjob beliefs. To date, “Some twenty-eight Scientology bills have been introduced by members of the Arizona state legislature aimed at limiting access to treatment and medication for children with mental health disorders.” For this reason, one defector from Scientology has labeled him “one of the most dangerous celebrities in the world.”

I could go on, for Morton’s examination of both Cruise and Scientology is both utterly fascinating and comprehensive in scope. In fact, I’m having trouble omitting details to keep this review from getting too long. (For example, I can’t help but mention that part of Katie’s contract involved signing away the rights to any medical help if either she or her children were ever to suffer mental or terminal illness. Of course, we all know how Scientologists feel about psychiatry. Did you know psychiatry is responsible for, among other things, the Holocaust and 9/11? It’s true!)

As I said, I could go on, but I must stop at some point. Suffice it to say, Andrew Morton needs all of us to buy his book, especially since he’ll be involved in litigation against these evil warlords for the next 50years or so. At the risk of entering their radar myself, I’ll end by saying that I was just kidding about all Scientologists being crazy bastards. Hail Xenu, or whatever crap you dickheads believe.

Jennifer McKeown spends her days writing under an assumed name to avoid capture by thetans. She blogs over at Bibliolatry.

All Your Thetans Are Belong to Us

Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography by Andrew Morton / Jennifer McKeown

Books | January 30, 2008 |


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