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Cannonball Read V: The Warlord Wants Forever by Kresley Cole

By Mrs. Julien | Book Reviews | July 24, 2013 | Comments ()


warlordwantsforever.jpg

If you whisper the title, it sounds even better.

Just when I thought my preferred reading material couldn’t possibly be more silly, my brain pointed out, “You’ve never really given paranormal romance a shot”. Kresley Cole is a very big name in the genre. She has a huge following. She has dozens of books. She has copious high ratings on Amazon. I have a Kindle. I have 99 cents. The Warlord Wants Forever was worth each and every one of them because Nikolai Wroth is a vampire and Myst the Coveted is, I am not making this up, a Valkyrie. They meet cute.

A prequel to Cole’s Immortals After Dark series, The Warlord Wants Forever is set in an unseen world populated by illusory creatures familiar from mythology and Things That Go Bump in the Night. There may also be shape-shifters. I’m not sure. Until last night, my main romance concern was historically-accurate frocks and then suddenly it was all fangs, blood, and violently intense love scenes that I’ve decided to christen “Thunder Sex™”. There is some sort of internecine war between the Myth/Bump factions, and Nikolai the hot vampire warlord gets “blooded” (imprinted) by the tempestuous Valkyrie, Myst the Coveted. It’s a mating system requiring, to put it delicately, initial release exclusivity, so when Myst escapes Nikolai before the Thunder Sex™ consummation devoutly to be wished, he must chase his Valkyrie down to relieve his eternal blue balls. It takes him five years. Then he has to convince her to shack up with him, a lesser immortal being. There is a magical waist chain involved.

The novella was fun and the first time I’ve heard of a story that did involve a Valkyrie and didn’t involve Richard Wagner. The Thunder Sex™ was hot and plentiful, if a trifle “red in tooth and claw” for my tastes. There is clearly a huge audience for paranormal romance, and I could go on about what tastes or appetites this kind of fiction appeals to; but I think it all comes down, almost literally because of the vampires, to à chacun son goût. If I ever have qualms about the nature of The (Shameful) Tally’s contents, I now know it could be worse, if not quite so deliciously ridiculous.

After reading The Warlord Wants Forever, I tried another work from Cole’s Immortals After Dark series, Lothaire, about an ancient vampire finding love with a blue-collar mortal (which is apparently totally declassé and galling). It was even redder in tooth and claw than The Warlord Wants Forever and included a Thunder Sex™ scene which can be imagined as biting a sausage longways for a protracted period of time. Sex? Sure. Blood. Useful. Sex and blood? I’m out thus ended my paranormal romance experiment.

… or I was until being given more Kresley Cole books by Malin and Alexis. I’M NOT MADE OF STONE! As a result, I have reviewed the books No Rest for the Wicked, Wicked Deeds on a Winter’s Night, Dark Deed’s at Night’s Edge, and Deep Kiss of Winter from this series as well.

This review is part of the volunteer Cannonball Read V. Read all about it, and for more of Mrs. Julien’s reviews, check out Mrs. Julien Presents.


(Note: Any revenue generated from purchases made through
the amazon.com affiliate links in this review will be donated in entirety to the American Cancer Society.)




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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • mswas

    I'm confused about the title. Does the warlord want to have Forever (which could be a person...) ? Or is he just never satisfied, and so is left wanting... forever.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I'm too busy singing the title to the James Bond theme "Diamonds Are Forever" to have given it much thought.

    I sing THUNDER SEX(TM) to the tune of The Wonderpets.

  • mswas

    This is sewious!

  • emmalita

    Grammar and logic are PNR kryptonite.

  • Maguita NYC

    The most. Amazing. Review. Ever.

    Read that book a few years back, it was shameful and addicting. Had to quit those books, because I did nothing but read, eat, and sleep.

  • Mrs. Julien

    That was me last summer blazing through the Outlander books.

  • Maguita NYC

    I've read those as well. Prior to the Valkyries.

    BTW', a Shame read always beats a Shame f-ck, anytime. So remind your judgy friends of that next time.

  • tatertot

    [clears throat] About this Thunder Sex....

    If werewolves are involved are Thunder Shirts required? My dog refuses to wear his, so I could probably make it work in another context.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Clawing off one's Thunder Shirt is a not-be-be-missed part of THUNDER SEX(TM) foreplay.

  • tatertot

    I'll start practicing my technique! You have to get a firm grip with your teeth and toss your head correctly. If you don't get that head-toss snap just right, your hair doesn't swing seductively and the velcro doesn't come apart.

    It's really not as easy as you would think.

  • Mrcreosote

    Okay, based on the covers of all these books, somewhere there is a a supernatural Crossfit with a LOT of members.
    Also a Supernatural tattoo parlor, but that's easier to imagine.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I SWEAR it's the same guy from different angles on some of the covers.

  • emmalita

    All the tattoos are magical. One book I read, whose title has been washed from my brain with a lot of bleach and liquor (oy, the hangover), the tattoos appeared magically to reflect their magical powers. None of the tattoos involved bunny rabbits and top hats.

  • emmalita

    I'm so glad to see ThunderSex (TM) getting it's due.

    I'm about to start upvoting all of these comments because this review made me chortle so much.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Did you read the others? I was just getting warmed up.

  • emmalita

    I did! If all the ThunderSex (TM) reviews were posted on Pajiba, it might go up in flames. But I encourage those strong of lion to read the reviews. I haven't read the Kresely Cole books yet though. I'm waiting until you do the annotated audio version.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I'm going to use the F-word sans asterisk in my next Cole review. I'm that angry.

  • Malin

    Looking forward to it already. I cannot wait to see you finishing your Cannonball with these books, because I enjoy the heck out of you writing about them. It makes me feel better about having read all of them.

  • emmalita

    *gasp!* *clutch pearls* *sets alarm to go off every hour to check for new Prolixity review*

  • mswas

    You can follow the group blog in a bunch of ways here: http://cannonballread5.wordpre...

  • emmalita

    Thanks! I do follow the blog, and post there under a different name.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Gods, that sounds worse than the cheap RPG setting novels I read.

    Re stories with Valkyries: Try the later Dresden files as well as the TV series Lost Girl (although the Valkyrie doesn't show up until season 3).

  • Mrs. Julien

    It's worse. I don't know what RPG is, but these are worse. Cole is the kind of writer who describes things as "very unique".

    The presence of Valkyries is an offshoot of reading romance not vice versa. 98% of the time, I'm focused on 19th century England and Wallflowers falling in love with Rakes. I started reading this series for the a. stupid and b. lack of decent quality in my preferred genre (because I have read ALL of the good stuff).

  • Fabius_Maximus

    (The following is probably more than anyone ever wanted to know about this stuff, but it makes me bloody furious, so here it is.)

    Sara_Tonin is right. But it's even worse. There is not only TSR (which went bankrupt ages ago), but its inheritor Wizards of the Coast. TSR had, I believe, 6 settings with novel tie-ins. WotC had 4 a few years ago (now 6 again).

    There is also the Pathfinder, Shadowrun, Earthdawn, Battletech, World of Darkness, and dozens RPG systems more, many with long-running novel series.

    Most of the stuff is goddamn awful, full of cardboard cutout characters, Mary Sues, Dei Ex Machina, as well as downright silly scenes*.

    Game designers do not make good novelists. Also, the products are almost always rushed through editing due to lack of time and manpower, and they are cheaply produced paper-backs. Look at them too hard and they come apart.

    *An example: In one of the TSR novels, a group of "adventurers", including two very powerful mages, find themselves at a beach somewhere. Suddenly, a horde of zombies crawls out of the surf. The two mages waste all of their spells on the undead, and basically do nothing else for the rest of the book. All because the author is - as he admits himself - not able to "write magic".

  • DeaconG

    The Battletech series was fine until they broke up the Federated Commonwealth, then it seems like the entire series went to hell in a hand basket. It's been years since I read any new books from the series.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    They pushed the whole storyline about a 100 years into the future at one point. That never works.

    And 'fine' is a very generous word. They had one or two competent novel writers in their pool, Charrette being one of them (Stackpole is not).

    Oddly, the one setting I found had the best overall talent was Shadowrun, as silly as the whole premise is. I stopped reading them about 10 years ago, though.

  • Mrs. Julien

    You win. Those are worse.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    We are not at the bottom of the barrel, yet. Above example's author, one R.A. Salvatore, is a multiple New York Times bestselling author (as in double digits). He achieved that by creating a psychotic, whiny, angsty killer. You probably can guess what kind of people these novels are aimed at.

    Oh, and he killed Chewbacca.

    Sorry, I'll stop now.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    RPG I know! Role Playing Game. Like reading the Dragonlance books, or anything else put out by TSR ever.

  • Kresley Cole's IAD series is a lot of shameful fun. Paranormal Romance isn't my bag with the exception of Cole. My theory is that most Paranormal Romance takes itself pretty seriously. It's trying to be dark, gritty, with a sprinkle of "literary" and (as a lover of dark gritty fantasy) it's almost laughable in it's attempt. Kresley leans into the camp, she embraces what makes paranormal fun - hot immortals having THUNDERSEX(tm) while romping about on adventures. There is no dark, no real sense of peril (these guys are notoriously hard to kill), and half the time even the worst enemies become redeemed alpha male heroes in the next book.

    I don't keep my IAD books out in the living room where people could actually see how many (WAY TOO MANY) I own but in the dark corners of the Internet I'll say it loud and proud - I totally love them!

  • Mrs. Julien

    I'm only willing to read them on a Kindle or as a library book surreptitiously. I don't love them, but I do love making fun of them in my reviews.

    I'm currently reading A Hunger Like No Other and it is enraging me. I'm spite reading and plotting my feminist diatribe of a review.

  • I'm right there with you. I would think that the Valkyrie would provide a great basis for characters. Fierce! Loyal! Immortal! Can we not come up with a decent character arc based on those three things alone?

    Apparently not. Instead we'll make them screechy and WAY too into nail polish. Then there's all the Stockholm syndrome sexy times. It's a bit of a hot mess. Only slightly better than Macrieve which takes it to a whole nother, far worse, level.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I'm going to have to pace myself. I've already written approximately 300 screedy words for A Hunger Like No Other and I think I'm only about 10% of the way through the book.

  • Can I mail you my copy of Macrieve? It'll make you apoplectic ;)

  • Mrs. Julien

    a. I'm already sufficiently apoplexed by A Hunger and b. Malin already sent me everything else in the series.

    My review for A Hunger also includes an "a, b." list. The first item is "FU*K" in bold and without benefit of asterisk. You can guess the second.

  • mswas

    I love it when you're spite plotting.

  • Cazadora

    Mz J -- I don't know if you've ever tried your hand at writing romantic fiction, but if you ever do, write it in EXACTLY that voice. I would read the heck out of a novel with that wit.

  • BWeaves

    Seconded. This review was glorious.

    Thunder Sex (TM) is my new favorite expression.

    I MUST, MUST copy Mrs. Julien's information from her link up there about reviewing all the books in this series. This is too amazing not to be posted twice:

    Plot Summary (All): Boy mythical creature meets girl mythical creature. Sexual attraction supernova. Reluctance and/or hindrance. Comeheregoaway. Adventure. Comeheregoaway. Unite to resolve challenges. Comeheregoaway. THUNDER SEX™. THUNDER SEX™. Resolution. Marriage.

    “What is THUNDER SEX™?”, you ask. Even with an embarrassingly high historical romance total, nothing had prepared me for the passionately intense sex scenes in Kresley Cole’s books. Immortality imbues one with an orgasm tripwire: at the slightest contact, both participants are arching, gasping, pulsing, clenching, trembling, moaning, pumping, biting, sighing, throbbing, throwing his or her head back to yell at the ceiling, and d. ALL OF THE ABOVE. That, dear reader, is THUNDER SEX™.

  • alannaofdoom

    Nikolai WROTH. That... is an incredible moniker. BRB have to go to the post office and look into changing my name.

  • Mrs. Julien

    He has brothers: Murdoch, Sebastian, and Conrad. They are supposed to be Estonian. Murdoch. Estonian. Okaaay.

  • Malin

    Maybe they're parents were open to foreign influences?

  • Mrs. Julien

    Maybe they were idiots.

    I would pay to hear someone say "My name eez Murdock Vrot" in the "Estonian" accent Cole always mentions (and I translate as "B-movie Dracula").

  • Malin

    I'm never going to be able to re-read those books ever again, without being able to imagine them speaking like B-movie Draculas. I honestly have a very short memory span when I read these books. Hence I never pick up on the fact that Conrad ond Murdoch are extremely unlikely Estonian names, or that they're even supposed to have accents. They don't after all, have their accents phonetically rendered like all the Lykae do.

  • Mrs. Julien

    There's nae need to fash. Doona do so.

  • Berry

    Not to be a Judgy MacJudgemental Person or anything, but that really does sound fantastically silly. Gloriously silly, even.

    It's wonderful that books like this exist, though. How could anyone possibly live on Very Serious Literature alone? Sometimes I look at my own reading material and wonder who would care if I read nothing but Agatha Christie and YA till the end of days. But then I always remember where I work and how little I use my degree and literature and go back to reading mostly Very Serious Books, to convince myself all that studying wasn't a complete waste. And it's not even that I don't enjoy reading VSB's, but they can get exhausting after a while. And that's when one goes to rest in YA land for a while. Speaking of which, if you're not against adults reading kids' books, you might like the Daughter of Smoke and Bone series by Laini Taylor, since it's also sort of supernatural romance with some cosmic battles and stuffs.

    Oh, and sorry to release my issues all over your review, which was great: a lot of fun to read. :)

  • Mrs. Julien

    Since last February, for reasons I cannot understand, although I have a theory, I have read almost exclusively historical romance novels. I have no interest in anything else. I download The Scarlet Letter and Huckleberry Finn and then I go re-read a historical romance. I call the list of books I've read "The (Shameful) Tally" because by cataloging my shame I try to come to terms with it. I am appropriately mortified* by what I have been reading... except this stuff because I've just started, I have no intention of exploring further in the paranormal genre, and it's soooo awful that one can only read it with a jaundiced eye and for the reviews one can write.

    *And why should I feel ashamed? So what if I want to read fun, disposable books? Why should other people judge me? Why do I judge me? [redacted diatribe about sexism, judgement, and my thoughts about romance novels].

  • Be3rry

    Man, I do go on today... But re: Huckleberry Finn. Can't read it, at least not in English. It's not my first language, and Twain's take on Southern way of speaking is impossible for me to follow.

    And a bit of personal reading history: after I'd finished my master's thesis (on literature), I could NOT read anything new for a couple of months. I reverted back to books I'd read as a child or a teen. It was fun, in a way. A mental holiday.

  • Berry

    Where did that 3 come from?? God, go away, 3!

    (Somebody tell me to shut up.)

  • emmalita

    Do go on! I'm thrilled to find another person afflicted with the "I can't stop typing" disease. :)

  • Berry

    Ask and ye shall receive... The on literature parenthesis above? Was just a silly clarification, because earlier I wrote degree AND literature, when I meant to write degree IN literature. I'm not all snobbishly proud about my stupid thesis and what it was on.

    But now this mad typing has to stop for a while, 'cause husband is home from work, and we need to start eating pizza and watching this new Orange show everyone's been going on about.

  • emmalita

    Oooo. Pizza and Orange is the New Black. Enjoy and finish the pizza before you get to the last 15 minutes.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Lookit you transitioning to a Disqus account. It was the ability to edit that got you to sign up, wasn't it? It's the ability to edit that gets all of us in the end.

    ETA: It is terrifyingly addictive.
    ETA: I only figured out what ETA meant yesterday.
    ETA: And now it looks like you didn't sign in after all. I stand by my statements.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Estimated Time of Arrival? [confused]

  • Mrs. Julien

    Edited To Add (I think.)

  • emmalita

    In this context "Edited to Add."

  • Berry

    Well, I don't know about you, but I crew up in an atmosphere that tended to view "having fun" as somehow morally questionable. It was made clear to me that things are only worth doing if they're difficult. And then it seems to me there is, among people who read, this very strong need to define it as something more than just fun way to pass the time. It needs to be edifying. It needs to make you a better person. But to read just to have fun? Isn't that seen as somehow less worthy?

    And anything girly and romancy in particular is often looked down upon by even the people who'll scream themselves hoarse defending other oft maligned genres from "literary snobs". But you already knew all that.

    By the way, are you familiar with this blog: http://smartbitchestrashybooks...

  • Mrs. Julien

    The main reaction I get when I mention my reading choices, no matter how self-deprecatingly, can be best described as "embarrassed silence".

  • emmalita

    One of my friends tried a judgmental look on me until I reminded her that the trash she watched on tv was way worse because it involved people portraying themselves as horrible jackasses.

  • emmalita

    I like Smart Bitches, Trashy Books.

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