Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer | Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Breaking Dawn (Twilight Series) by Stephanie Meyer / Donna Sherman

Book Reviews | September 3, 2008 | Comments (147)

I’ve been waiting for quite a while for some profound meditation on the nature of love and sacrifice, or, failing that, the merits of romance in literature, to occur to me so I can kick off this review. But you know what? Meyer doesn’t try, so why the hell should I bother?

Breaking Dawn, the fourth and (supposedly) final book in Stephenie Meyer’s inexplicably popular vampire romance “saga,” is exactly what Meyer has been gearing up for throughout the Twilight series. As usual, there are pages and pages following two insipid characters repeatedly declaring their everlasting love for one another, including enough masturbatory angst to wet a young girl’s panties, until about 20 pages from the end, when both conflict and plot suddenly show up only to disappear two pages later when the villain simply changes his mind, allowing the story to wrap up in an eternity of supernaturally perfect happily ever afters. The only surprise twist this time around is how surprised fans have been at the craptastacle on display here.

This entire series’ only claim to literary significance is the amount of challenging questions raised that require a good, hard think.

As someone with even a passing level of interest in the workings of the human mind, I am really curious as to what attracts people to this series.

Is it the extra large font with wide margins; good for eyes of all levels of ability?

Maybe it’s the feeling of accomplishment one gets after reading a 500+ page novel. And this is the kind of 500+ page novel anyone can read — the books are filled with so much repetitive fluff that if you read one word per page, you’d probably get the gist of it, unless you were unlucky enough to catch 700 repetitions of the word “grimaced” instead of any actual story.

Perhaps the men among the readership enjoy the books for their handy wooing tips: watch her while she sleeps; tell her you’re dangerous, but you can’t live without her; after she declares her undying devotion to you, act insanely jealous of every teenaged twerp who looks in her direction; if she disagrees with you, use your superior strength to get your way; remember: you know what’s best; if you’ve still got some time left over, be sure to be ridiculously gorgeous, brilliant, rich, and talented, but under no circumstances must you exhibit any trace of an actual personality. It’s best to go for gorgeous girls with low self esteem, inner-ear balance problems, and a complete lack ambition. Absence of personality also a plus (note to writers: klutziness is a characteristic, not a personality trait).

The women, presumably, read the book for the hero, the man who embodies the traits mentioned above: the revoltingly perfect Edward Cullen, vampire in question, and, after about two weeks of knowing her, sworn love of heroine Bella Swan. This is where Meyer looses me. It’s one thing to write a harlequin vampire romance novel for teens and young adults, but it’s quite another to write one for two such noxious limp noodles who are so head over heels for the concept of soul mates that they wouldn’t know “true love” if it came and chomped them on the neck.Why are these books so popular? What is going on here?

Then again, my first literary crush was on Ford Prefect, just so you know who you’re dealing with.

Oh, and there are also some questions raised about undead sperm, but the less said about that the better.

On its own merits, Breaking Dawn shares similar strengths and weaknesses with the previous novels. It’s strangely addictive if vampire romance is your cup of tea; the prose is decent, although it teeters far too close to purple’s edge; the cover art is pretty; and the rampant sexism that would put the entire decade of the ’50s to shame is nothing new. But objectively speaking, it’s probably the worst book of the series. The themes of choice and sacrifice that Meyer spent a good forest or two floridly building up are dismissed almost immediately. Spoilers Ahead: Bella gets her lover, she gets her friend, she gets her family, she gets special vampire super-powers, she gets a child she didn’t know she wanted, and a happily ever after that goes far beyond anything a bejewelled Disney princess has any right to expect. Ultimately, she gets everything she ever wanted and more, she doesn’t have to give up a single thing, and no one dies. The end.

On the other hand, criticizing this book, or the series as a whole, is a bit like criticizing the Bush administration. It’s too easy. It’s done. It’s played. It’s on its way out. Again, I have to ask: Why bother?

All that being said, I actually found the fourth the least objectionable. After binging on the first three books in order to give Breaking Dawn a proper review, I wish I could do it justice. Unfortunately, by the time I got to book four, I actually found myself enjoying the series. I think it just wore me down. It was either keep getting angrier and more perplexed until I gave myself an aneurysm of confusion and rage, or go to my happy place, where everything is rainbow caterpillars and warm fuzzies.

Because truly, getting offended over this book is like getting offended over fried pudding prepared by Peg Bracken — yes, it’s gross, and Bracken isn’t much of a cook to begin with, but what the hell is the point in getting worked up over it? It’s fried fucking pudding, for Christ’s sake. What the hell did you expect? You’re getting exactly what you paid for. Pudding that is fried. By Peg Bracken.

Donna Sherman works in a bookstore, and is now writing book reviews. She predicts she has two more months before she gives up on English and begins speaking in tongues, and she can’t summarize to save her life. Contact her at dropoffmymail@gmail.com.

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Comments

The only person I know who reads this series is my sister, who just turned 13.

She hates Bella with a passion, thinks Edward is boring and annoying, and is actively dreading the day her friends make her go to see the Twilight movie.

And people say it's hard to tell we're related. Her literary tastes make me proud.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at September 3, 2008 12:55 PM

So I actually read these books. I even got a little bit involved. It's not something I'm proud to admit. I do have to agree that this one is definitely the worst of the bunch. My biggest beef with it was this:

It's a vampire/action/romance series with an emphasis on the "romance". It's written for teens so I didn't expect that there would be a lot of steamy sex scenes or anything like that but Meyer basically skips over anything that might be considered PG-13. Then on top of that we find out that Edward isn't even going to bone Bella unless they're married. Come on. Give me a break. Anyway, they get married, go on their honeymoon and Meyer proceeds to basically skip even the simplest description of sex. Bella accidentally gets pregnant (undead sperm are apparently VERY potent) and that leads to a detailed description of a half-vampire baby ripping out of her uterus. I literally gagged when I read the two and a half pages devoted to that segment of the book.

Moral of the story: if a woman wants to have sex she must be prepared to have an evil demon spawn rip its way out of her womb. Ugh.

I read on the book jacket that Stephanie Meyers earned her degree at Brigham Young University. That could explain a lot.

Posted by: ooperboober at September 3, 2008 12:59 PM

All I know is that in the ads for the upcoming movies the vampires are out and about walking during the day.

SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THAT TO ME?

Posted by: Withnail at September 3, 2008 1:00 PM

This book has nothing I am usually interested in. Its sappy. The heroine is absurdly wimpy and bland. (On a side note, why does she faint so often? Why?! I don't know any girl who swoons like that, unless she is actually ill or severely overheated. Drove me crazy. Grow a pair, Bella.) Its a vampire story...with werewolves. Nothing I usually go for. But, I had to read Twilight for a YA lit class and could not put it down. I read the first three books in about 4 days. It was just compulsively readable. Though I never really liked it. The main characters were so awful, so dull and creepy and generally uninteresting, I didn't really care about them. I think it was the secondary characters that saved the series. Jacob, Charlie, Alice, Carlisle, etc. had more complexity and personality than Edward and Bella combined. And the denoument was ridiculous and anti-climactic. So there are my 10 cents. Please excuse me while I go re-read Harry Potter and remember what a great YA fantasy series should be like.

Posted by: ami at September 3, 2008 1:03 PM

I think my feelings for the Twilight books can be summed up by Elizabeth Hands's review:

Reader, I Hurled

Though I will admit that I have enjoyed the batshit crazy that is the Twilight fandom and their reactions to others saying Breaking Dawn sucks.
Just take a look at the Amazon reviews.
There is some good crazy there....

Posted by: Jules at September 3, 2008 1:04 PM

I'm proud to say I started to read Twilight out of curiousity...and couldn't muster myself past the third page. It seemed like whiney goth kid fodder, and the promotionals for the film certainly don't help dispel that image.

SPOILER! EW had something funny yesterday in their list of 25 Lessons Pop Culture Taught Us This Summer:

"Being pregnant with, and giving birth to, a vampire baby is especially bloody and gross."

Three things:

A.)If it's a vampire baby, wouldn't it kind of clean up after itself while being born?

B.) If statement A makes sense, don't let the father in the delivery room...once you've seen something, it cannot be unseen, and lord knows you don't want to see a vampire father hungrily await the afterbirth.

C.) NO FUCKING DUH, EW! PREGNANCY IS SCARY AND GROSS IN AND OF ITSELF! WHAT DID YOU THINK, A VAMPIRE BIRTH WOULD BE ANY BETTER?! LIKE A FUCKING TEA PARTY?! Assholes.

Posted by: Mike R. at September 3, 2008 1:06 PM

Then again, my first literary crush was on Ford Prefect, just so you know who you're dealing with.

Holy balls.

hands you a towel

Marry me. We can sit around drinking margaritas while reciting Vogon poetry.

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2008 1:10 PM

Withnail, you're going to love Meyer's explanation as to why the vampires can go out at night.

It's not that they burn up, it's just that they're too conspicuous to be around people during the day because they SPARKLE. Like tiny little blood-sucking diamonds.

Posted by: Sarah at September 3, 2008 1:28 PM

Sorry, that should be why they can go out during the day

Posted by: Sarah at September 3, 2008 1:28 PM

"...unless you were unlucky enough to catch 700 repetitions of the word "grimaced" instead of any actual story."

An entire novel about Grimace would be awesome! With his round, bell-shaped, purple plushiness getting the full Hemmingway treatment. I would go to the midnight release for that shit! Fuck Harry Pot....

:: Julie taps PissBoy on the shoulder; whispers in his ear. ::

What the fuck do you mean "grimace" isn't in this story at all?!! What the fuck is a contorted facial expression??!!!

:: Julie whispers in PissBoy's ear some more. ::

Oh! So this is a book about people drinking grapefruit juice after brushing their teeth??? That sounds fucking terrible! Hopefully the movie will be better.

Posted by: PissBoy at September 3, 2008 1:36 PM

Oh. Please. You people are so freaking snobby. Bella is a totally feminist character, and any woman who can't see that is probably ugly. She chooses her own destiny irregardless of what society says is an acceptable path for a young woman of today.

And Edward is the sexiest character ever in the history of the written word. Every girl wishes she had a beautiful, devoted guy who lived for nothing but her. And yes, I seriously mean every girl. If I had a sexy, rich, mind reading vampire like Edward, I'd forget about college too.

Posted by: Edward'sGrrl at September 3, 2008 1:37 PM

You should die screaming just for using the word irregardless.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 3, 2008 1:45 PM

I actually started discussing this with Jay (though I blame twig) in the Watchmen Trial... thread. I read the full series in about a week. (Full disclosure: I am 37. I work full time.) Book 3 literally took me less than 24 hours. Large portions of it pissed me off no end, largely due to the extreme irritant properties of the characters. I think it was a good idea, it just lacked in the execution. Meyers is very clearly a first-time novelist (and there were even a few grammatical errors that lead me to think she might want to get a new editor). Jay said, "I just thinking "having a fresh take on an old myth" should have some, you know, knowledge of the old myth." There was some underlying thing that was bothering me that I couldn't quite put my finger on, and I think this is part of it; there is also this, which ami just said: "It was just compulsively readable. Though I never really liked it."

***** SEMI-SPOILER ****
Another was her "he hurts me because he loves me" stuff with her main character. In a series marketed to 15-year-old girls, I don't think that's a healthy message. I also think that she totally got Jacob's voice wrong in the 4th. I was nervous about that section before I read it, and my fears were well-founded.
**** END SPOILER *****
A friend, who also read it (and was the reason that I started it, honestly) and I discussed it a bit, and she suggested perhaps our age and cynicism was getting in the way of our enjoyment; I think perhaps this is attributable to the fact that we are not the target demographic for such novels.
I also stand by my statement: I do want to see the movie, though, because that boy is lovely. Actually, there are several lovely young boys in it. And there's nothing I like more than lovely lovely young boys.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 1:49 PM

Genny...oddly enough, I too know only one person who has read this series. And is absolutely in LOOOOOOOVVVVE with the books. Also owns EVERY season of Sex and the City on DVD, saw the movie 3 times, refers to Project Runway as a "total twat-fest of ego", and has all the shiny blingy things on their myspace page...glittery .gifs extolling love for everything trendy.

His name is Sean. He's 28. He's engaged. They both live with his father. He lost his penis sometime around his 22nd birthday and his manhood never fully developed beyond 11.

Posted by: PissBoy at September 3, 2008 1:49 PM

What the fuck do you mean "grimace" isn't in this story at all?!! What the fuck is a contorted facial expression??!!!

First, HEE. Second, I was just as disappointed as you. I would love a book about Grimace and his quirky neighbor, The Hamburgler. Rabble rabble.

Oh! So this is a book about people drinking grapefruit juice after brushing their teeth???

Ew!! I feel like I just chewed tinfoil.

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2008 1:52 PM

I do want to see the movie, though, because that boy is lovely. Actually, there are several lovely young boys in it. And there's nothing I like more than lovely lovely young boys.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz

Hellz freaking yeah! Cedric Diggory as Edward Cullen!?!?!?! I will be there, and I may be touching myself.

Pissboy

So what if your friend likes Twilight? It's a GOOD SERIES! Maybe you should take a break from being a elitist snob and try something new. You might like it too.

Posted by: Edward'sGrrl at September 3, 2008 1:54 PM

I'm past the point of being embarassed on how much I love these books. There is no rhyme or reason to it. The first one sucked me in and I devoured the other two in a weekend. It's not written exceptionally well and the characters are all irritating at some point, but that doesn't seem to matter. I loved Breaking Dawn. I read the leaked Midnight Sun and loved that, too. I'm too old for these books and logically I should hate them. But I don't. I fucking love them. It's hard to explain, since it doesn't even make since to me. But I will see the movie, probably the day it comes out, and I will probably love every second of it.

Posted by: kylers at September 3, 2008 1:56 PM

Great, now you're reminding me of my typo. Thanks a lot!!

Posted by: Jay at September 3, 2008 2:05 PM

though I blame twig

Oi. Oi, I have not so much as touched a word of these 'books'.

I prefer to rot my brain with Napoleonic Dragon Adventures (now with protagonist entirely made of wood!)

Posted by: twig at September 3, 2008 2:07 PM

I know, twig, that's the comment that got me started...and sorry, Jay, I thought about correcting it, but you can't do that when you're directly quoting someone. (I feel like it would be some kind of federal offense, and the cops would show up at my house and cuff me and throw me in a cell to rot for 30 years.)

Edward'sGrrl, I am uncertain as to whether you are serious, especially in regard to your first post; however, I must agree with one of your points: I will very definitely be touching myself.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 2:13 PM

Wow...you got me nailed there Eddie's Grrl! Giggle! LOLZ! OMGROFLMAO! You are so totally right. And I love how you spell grrrrl. It's awesome. You're like, all punk and stuff you know? Like Avril Lavigne. ( Pokie Little Puppy would rrrun miles around this series as far as charactrrr and plot development are concrrrned...and all I did there was trrrn it into a child's frrrst bondage book.

No. I shan't stop making fun... irregrrrdless of what you suggest. My frrrnd checked his penis at the doorrrr a long time ago and I'll laugh at him etrrrnally

Posted by: PissBoy at September 3, 2008 2:13 PM

P.S. Have I mentioned lately that I *heart* PissBoy? Because I do.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 2:17 PM

I appreciate your ethics, Ms. B.

However, I do correct quotes. Willfully.

Reflexes!

So come and get me, if yer 'ard enough!

Posted by: Jay at September 3, 2008 2:18 PM

Okay, so a friend of mine and I were discussing this a while back, trying to figure out the hype (she works at a Borders) and as I haven't read all the books, she was filling me in on a few of the oddities. Namely, that Meyer can't pick a doomed couple metaphor to stick with. It starts as Romeo and Juliet and then goes into Wuthering Heights and she expounds on both metaphors to the point of nausea. And, that Edward Cullen is a virgin. A vampire virgin who's older than 30. To this I said:

Also, if he is really a virgin after a hundred years (which wouldnt' surprise me as this book is geared toward teens and you know writer's can't write about teenagers having sex, cause that's bad--notice how the other vampire couples are all "married") then Edward's deflowering scene will look like this:

INT. CANDLES AND "SOMEWHERE OUT THERE" PLAYING ON THE STEREO. THE ONLY LIGHT IS CANDLE LIGHT. EDWARD AND BELLA ARE DANCING AS EDWARD SLOWLY PEELS THE CLOTHES FROM BELLA'S BODY. THEY KISS PASSIONATELY THROUGHOUT. WHEN BELLA IS FULLY NUDE, EDWARD STEPS BACK.

EDWARD: God, you're so beautiful, what did I do to deserve someone like you?

BELLA: (grimaces)Don't lie, you dont' have to lie to me when you know I love you already.

EDWARD: I would never lie to you. (Edward begins to slowly peel off the layers of his clothing.) I've heard this may hurt for you, for your first time. Alice says there's no way it won't.

BELLA: You could never hurt me.

EDWARD: (Folds his shirt neatly and lays it over a desk chair that's been swathed with gold fabric, Edward's bedroom has been turned into a Wonderland, for this, Bella's special night) Bella, I want you to know, (takes both of her hands, grimaces) if you feel like it's too much. If it hurts...too much, then I'll stop. I don't care how far along we are. I want you to be honest with me.

BELLA: Oh, Edward. (looks down at the bulge that's plainly visible through his pants, grimaces) Are you sure you'll fit? I mean... well...

EDWARD: (obviously uncomfortable) I don't know. I mean, I've never heard of someone not fi-I mean, well, I know I'm old, but I don't know...

BELLA: I'm sure it'll be fine. kisses Edward softly on the lips Please, take off the rest of your clothes, I want to see you.

EDWARD: Okay, but remember what I said.

(Edward, grimacing, strips the rest of his clothes off and covers his package with his hands in sudden modesty. Bella furrows her brow as though measuring his length and girth in her mind and realizing he's not that big. Really, she seems to be thinking, don't they come larger? But... this is Edward, her Edward)

BELLA: Edward, please let me see you.

(Edward grimaces, slowly takes his hands away from his package. It becomes painfully obvious to Bella that Edward's cock is uncomfortable. It's the only part of his body that has any color, and she knows were he human, hte blushing pink would be a turgid red. She reaches a hand to Edward, to try to soothe him, wondering if they were outside, or if he'd open a damn window since it was only three in the afternoon, would his cock also glitter in the sun.)

BELLA: Edward, you're beautiful to me.

EDWARD: (grimaces) You don't have to say that.

BELLA: No, really, you're...EDWARD?! (Bella's tone goes from loving to complete surprise as Edward's penis seems to erupt.)

EDWARD: Uhm... (grimaces, reaches out to help her wipe the sticky wetness from her face and neck.)

BELLA: It's okay, really, I've heard sometimes guys are over really soon for there first time. Let's dance some more, I still want to be with you. Wait, what's wrong?

EDWARD: I think I'm going to take a nap.

(Edward crawls on the bed and promptly goes to sleep the sleep of the sexually sated male.)

BELLA: (grimaces) Was it supposed to happen like that?

###

SCARLETT: (grimaces) Wow, I hope they don't hate me for the length.

Posted by: Scarlett at September 3, 2008 2:19 PM

P.P.S Me too

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 3, 2008 2:20 PM

...right back'atcha AvB. ;)

Posted by: PissBoy at September 3, 2008 2:20 PM

I am feeling the love for both AvB and Jay right now, as things are otherwise unforgivably dull and time has completely stopped.

Today does not feel like a Wednesday. It feels like some sort of unholy Monday/Tuesday hybrid day.

Posted by: twig at September 3, 2008 2:20 PM

My sister in law MADE me read these books, and since she's intelligent, successful, and almost forty, I assumed that she would not steer me wrong. I assumed wrong. However, Ami's comments are dead on - I could not put these books down. I even stole one from my 10 year old daughter so that I could finish reading it because she was taking too long. I hated Bella and Edward, loved Jacob and Alice, and am deeply ashamed that I wasted several days of my life staying up until 3 am reading this tripe.

I can't wait to see the movie! They've moved up the release date! WOO! (It's an affliction, I can't help it!)

Posted by: snarkcitysweetie at September 3, 2008 2:20 PM

You guys are gross.

Posted by: Edward'sGrrl at September 3, 2008 2:24 PM

SoD...you too man. You too.

Posted by: PissBoy at September 3, 2008 2:25 PM

PissBoy my dear, if you continue to defile the innocent, puppies eating rice pudding memories of my early childhood reading I may have to beat you with a stack of Little Golden Books. Or throw a beer in your face. But I would never treat beer that way, so yes, a beatdown it shall be.

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2008 2:29 PM

Not as grrross as Coke II, Edward's. Not nearly. It was almost as saccharrrine as this series of books sounds. Almost...

Posted by: PissBoy at September 3, 2008 2:29 PM

I read them becuase everyone at my work was fuggin batshit over them. Including my friend whose taste in movies is almost always the opposite of mine, which should have been my first clue that these were terrible. And they were, expect I was sick, and pretty high on Nyquil. And they were pretty funny. Stupid funny but still. I was pretty disgusted that the sex scenes were basically Bella passed out in ecstasy while Edward was wrecking the bed on top of her. Roofie sex is so hot. It is pretty lame that all of the "rules" of the first books are totally broken in the fourth book. This way the author could spend more time describing how hot Edward is and how perfect Bella is so I guess it was time well spent.

Posted by: grinder at September 3, 2008 2:31 PM

She reaches a hand to Edward, to try to soothe him, wondering if they were outside, or if he'd open a damn window since it was only three in the afternoon, would his cock also glitter in the sun.

Ha ha ha!!

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2008 2:35 PM

Today does not feel like a Wednesday. It feels like some sort of unholy Monday/Tuesday hybrid day.

Ugh, right there with you, twig. Yet, I feel like that should make me happy, because it's already pretty close to the weekend...

Heh, Scarlett, good job on the *grimacing*. And that's approximately how it happens.

Roofie sex is so hot.

Aww, yeaah. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout, grinder.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 2:43 PM

Bartender, the usual for me and a roofie colada for the lovely Miss von Beaverplatz...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 3, 2008 2:47 PM

PissBoy, I am taking away your R's. Go on. Hand them over.

Only gross snobs over use R's.

Posted by: greer at September 3, 2008 2:50 PM

Haha. I get it.

You guys are jerks. I'm glad you don't like Twilight. Enjoy your crappy music and your boring books and your lame indie movies. And I bet PissBoy's old. What the hell is Coke II?

Posted by: Edward'sGrrl at September 3, 2008 2:55 PM

Edwards'Grrl, Coke II was a replacement for what you kids call "Coke". We haven't switched to Newspeak yet, so I can't see how this has eluded you. (Not to mention, you could wiki it like all of lifes problems.)

Posted by: Mike R. at September 3, 2008 3:03 PM

Wow...now Edward's...you're like, so dead on. Cuz like, I'm a few years from thirty and that's just old and gross, OMFG how do I keep my balls out of the toilet water?!!

Coke II was something that was attempted a few years before your poor mother shat you out of her birth canal.

Posted by: PissBoy at September 3, 2008 3:08 PM

Why, Shadows, how did you know I love a pina colada? Delicio... huh, I feel kind of funny... hey, is this a roofie colada?

.... awe...sommmmee....

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 3:09 PM

Twilight in a few lines

oh hai i'm bella swan and i just moved to forks where everyone wants to be-friend and date me but i'd rather have my uterus chewn through than date or be-friend anyone so bourgeois and they probably don't even know what bourgeois means because i'm ~advanced~ and read jane austen and can cook lasagna like how dare they try and speak to me.

bella: omg u r so qt, like a beautiful chiseled dazzling marble adonis. i know you and your family are vampires.

edward: omg but how did u knoe?

bella: i googled it, lulz.

edward: you are so smart for a human i will love you forever btw i've been stalking you and watch you sleep at night.

bella: omg for real i am so flattered. *FAINTS*

edward: *SPARKLES*

evil vampire james: the author just realized this book doesn't have a plot so i have arrived to created dramatic suspense and excitment. BELLA I WANT TO KILL YOU!

bella: Y?

james: becuz i am a ~*tracker*~ and that's just what i do. btw don't u think my friend Laurent has a sweet jabot?

bella: *BLEEDS* but *LIVES*

james: *DEAD*

PROM

New Moon

bella: i like your khaki pants bb.

edward: i don't love you anymore lulz.

jacob: i guess i'll feature prominently in this story now since bella is too much of a one-dimensional mary sue to keep this plot chugging along. hey girl, want to ride motorcycles?

bella: *tries to commit suicide because she hears edward's voice when she does something dangerous*

jacob: *rescues her*

chagrinnnned readers: damn.

edward: jk i do love you. *SPARKLES*

bella: *FAINTS*

According to Amazon.com I just saved you $15.73 plus tax and shipping charges. You're welcome.

I'll totally be seeing the movie though, watching Cedric Diggory's giant face for an hour and a half is worth $4 to me honestly.

Posted by: istealwallets at September 3, 2008 3:13 PM

Also Edward'sGrrl, I wouldn't accuse us of loving "lame indie movies" on the same day that some of us are expressing our unbridled love of Gremlins 2 and Poltergeist. We can simultaneously enjoy our quirky arthouse films while squealing over fuzzy monsters ruining tuna noodle casserole and singing "New York New York."

And I would read the Twilight books. I'll read anything, and they seem like a fun way to pass a couple of hours on a rainy Saturday. Now PissBoy shouldn't read them, he'd likely tear the pages out with his teeth and stab the nearest old lady. After watching Matlock of course. Cause he's old.

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2008 3:15 PM

Slipping out of lurk mode to say that I read these this summer while on an extended vacation in the US (I'm an American in Paris, usually) in order to see what the fuss what about, and I just spewed my wine on my computer screen at the line "Unfortunately, by the time I got to book four, I actually found myself enjoying the series. I think it just wore me down" which precisely summarizes what happened to me. Given the choice between aneurysm of confusion and rage, or happy place; I went with the latter. It was awful.

It was interesting how, despite some surface-level similarities, this gang doesn't hold a stub of a candle to Buffy, Angel, Willow, Xander, Spike, Oz and the rest of the Sunnydale crowd....

Posted by: Neon at September 3, 2008 3:20 PM

De-lurking to discuss the series. So, I did read the series, I blame my 14 year old niece, although I wouldn't say it's the best YA I've ever read, it's not the worst. I agree with ami, I was waiting for Bella to "grow a pair" and move on from Edward. After reading many YA novels with my niece this summer, I have found a trend that female authors really can't write a strong female lead. I'm not talking about a feminist womyn lead, but someone who can think and do things for herself and not be so focused on finding her soul mate while she's still in her teens.

Posted by: Miss_Mimi at September 3, 2008 3:24 PM

Hey...fuck not with the Matlock, yest yee be fucked with. Now get off my lawn with your newfangled disco rock.

Posted by: PissBoy at September 3, 2008 3:26 PM

WAIT...her child ACTUALLY chews through her stomach? I thought that was all a fucking joke?! Tell me, does she survive this horrid event?

Posted by: Mike R. at September 3, 2008 3:28 PM

I equate reading the Twilight saga to eating gummi worms from the 99 cent store; you don't really want to, they don't really taste good, yet you finish the whole bag. I cut my vampire teeth on Anne Rice, so any vampire books that don't have intense homoerotic overtones can only be considered cute, but I concede that if I were a 13 year old girl I would be all atwitter over Edward and ignore the controlling stalker tendencies he has.

Posted by: karmicbacklash at September 3, 2008 3:31 PM

WAIT...her child ACTUALLY chews through her stomach? I thought that was all a fucking joke?! Tell me, does she survive this horrid event?

Well, Mike R.,

*****SPOILER*****

of course she does, silly! how else do you think this: and a happily ever after that goes far beyond anything a bejewelled Disney princess has any right to expect. Ultimately, she gets everything she ever wanted and more, she doesn't have to give up a single thing, and no one dies. The end. can happen?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 3:36 PM

Mike R. - It is indeed true and afterwards her vampire boyfriend bites her and physically pumps her heart to keep her alive(a la mola in temple of doom). So she survives as a vampire due to the magical power of venom.

Posted by: istealwallets at September 3, 2008 3:37 PM

her child ACTUALLY chews through her stomach?

That's fucking it. Sold. Sold sold sold. I'm borrowing them from the library this week.

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2008 3:40 PM

That's not actually how it happens AT ALL. They have to do an emergency C-section because the vampire baby is too strong for a human mother and her health is declining. But since regular medical tools can't cut through the placenta, Edward has to use his teeth to remove the child.

But then, yes, he injects Bella with venom to save her by turning her into a vampire.

Posted by: Edward'sGrrl at September 3, 2008 3:42 PM

And the author is Stephenie Meyer, not Stephanie Meyer.

Posted by: Edward'sGrrl at September 3, 2008 3:45 PM

Please, pleasepleasepleaseplease let Edward'sGrrl be someone's idea of a joke...this is hurting my head.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 3, 2008 3:51 PM

of course she does, silly! how else do you think this..."and no one dies. The end." can happen?

I thought there was an implied "at least, no one that matters" at the end of that "and no one dies". As for the whole Placenta munching thing, Jesus Tapdancing Christ in a Cracker Basket!

At least she's a vampire in the end...it'll make it easier for Edgar Frog to find her and her coven of vampires. Time to take out the trash. Heh heh,

Posted by: Mike R. at September 3, 2008 3:51 PM

"the books are filled with so much repetitive fluff that if you read one word per page, you'd probably get the gist of it, unless you were unlucky enough to catch 700 repetitions of the word "grimaced" instead of any actual story."

Oh, does that mean she discovered a new word and isn't using bedazzled every other sentence any more? A friend (seriously reconsidering that title after this series) made me read Twilight, and the whole thing just pissed me off almost the entire time. And yet, like a few people have mentioned, I really wanted to know what happened in the rest of the books. I ended up just being happy with the Wikipedia summaries, though. Probably better written, too.

Posted by: Jen K at September 3, 2008 3:55 PM

First off, Ford Prefect was effin' dreamy. Where's my towel?

Second, does anyone remember another shitty teen vamp novel by Poppy Z Brite (Lost Souls? Dead Souls?) where the vampire baby also chewed its way out of the mother? I thought Meyer was supposed to be putting new twists in. Seems like even the new things are old here.

Posted by: grenadine at September 3, 2008 4:04 PM

Here's my question: why is it okay to write about a vampire fetus killing its mother and then having to be bitten out of her abdomen by its father perfectly okay to splash across the page in a swath of gore, but describing the sex that led to the creation of the aforementioned vampire fetus is a Big No-No? Which one do you think would have been more disturbing and offensive to teenagers?

Posted by: Girlnone at September 3, 2008 4:16 PM

Every teenager I knew specifically went to movies and read books guaranteed to be filthy. But back in my day, teenagers only had one thing on their minds...

...being the abused wallflower housewife of an immortal angsty virgin with severe emotional issues.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 3, 2008 4:25 PM

That was my thought exactly Girlnone. Out of all the bizarre sexist slop that this series had to offer, that was what offended me the most.

Posted by: ooperboober at September 3, 2008 4:29 PM

I think it just wore me down. It was either keep getting angrier and more perplexed until I gave myself an aneurysm of confusion and rage, or go to my happy place, where everything is rainbow caterpillars and warm fuzzies.

That's how I felt. But I couldn't. I absolutely could not go to my happy place. I should've stopped reading after I hated New Moon, but I couldn't. Do I know why? Nope. I hate Bella. I hate Edward. I hate Rosalie. I hate Esme. I hate Carlisle. I hate Jasper. I hate Charlie and Rene and Sam and Quil and Embry and Claire and all the stupid teenagers that went to school with Bella. Why did I read these books?! It wasn't even like I wanted to know what happened. I KNEW what was going to happen, but I kept reading. I KNEW that everything that I hated about the books was going to culminate in the 'final' chapter of the saga, but I kept reading. I guess I went full retard on this one.

That whole Jacob business toward the end is what pissed me off the most. I felt it coming, but Godtopus help me if I didn't violently heave Breaking Dawn across the motherfucking room when it happened. And in case you're wondering, this is the same thing I did when the unmentionable happened to Sirius in Order, but it was much more out of shock and dismay than outright rage.

I also hate that Cedric Diggory is Edward. And that fucking Mike Dexter is Carlisle. MIKE FUCKING DEXTER. SERIOUSLY!? SERIOUSLY!?!?

Posted by: Kash at September 3, 2008 4:40 PM

Also, does anyone else think "Renesmee" is a fucking stupid name?

Posted by: ooperboober at September 3, 2008 4:43 PM

Absolutely, ooperboober - Renesmee = stupidest. Name. Ever.

Reading Kash's rant just made me remember how pissed I was about that Jacob thing too. That was so. Fucking. Predictable. I think that was another thing that irritated me about the entire series, was that it shouldn't have been so predictable. I didn't actually heave the book, but I made a disgusted sound, tossed it on the table, and walked away. Yeah.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 4:48 PM

Not so fast, Julie. The waiting list on "Breaking Dawn" here's still at 300.

This stuff is big. So cheap thrills don't come easy.

I couldn't ever resemble the TV Ford Prefect, but I've decided I'm going to be Arthur Dent for Halloween, yet another in a long line of "uh...are you wearing a costume?........as what?" I may make a large, friendly book cover, but I might get lazy.

Posted by: Jay at September 3, 2008 4:51 PM

Speaking of Renesmee, I was trying to think of what my child's name would be if I combined all of my mothers into one name. It would have to include April (my mother), Sharon (my step-mother), and Anne (my grandmother). Plus my husband's mom's name. So leaving a blank for her it would be something like...

Aparonne? Ilshanne? Aprronan?

WHAT THE FUCK MEYER?!

Posted by: Kash at September 3, 2008 4:54 PM

Holy crap Jay, that's crazy. I put a hold on the first book and it said there were 2 copies immediately available, so we'll see :)

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2008 4:58 PM

If you like the vampire/werewolf/human genre, then try "The Southern Vampire Series" by Charlaine Harris. Much more entertaining and geared for adults.

Posted by: Mamoo at September 3, 2008 5:03 PM

Edward'sGrrl: What do you mean "you people"?!

Posted by: io at September 3, 2008 5:08 PM

First of all, when reciting Vogon poetry, you need to drink Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters (no more than two at a time, of course).

Second, Edward'sGrrl is either one of the best trolls I've ever seen or a 12 year old who's just been introduced to the ideas "turgid red" and "cock glitter".

Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 3, 2008 5:25 PM

Edward'sGrrl: What do you mean "you people"?!

Posted by: io

I mean you people who don't like Twilight for lame reasons like it's "sexist" and "poorly written" and "predictable" and "simultaneaously shamelessly derivative and in flagrant disregard of traditional vampire lore" and..and...and

Okay. I can't keep it up. Edward'sGrrl isn't real, y'all. Just a bad, bad joke.

Apologies.

Posted by: Edward'sGrrl, Interrupted at September 3, 2008 5:26 PM

Kudos!!

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2008 5:28 PM

Beautiful. I was sure it was a joke until you came up with the "You guys are gross" comment. That made me second-guess myself.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 3, 2008 5:38 PM

I think that one thing that could have improved this book was the phrase "cock-juggling thundercunt". If it worked for Blade:Trinity, it should work for all vampire stories... right?

Posted by: Allison at September 3, 2008 5:42 PM

Blurgh. I feel dirty and ashamed. All I had to do to convince smart people I was a semi-retarded teenager was ask myself, "What would Jessica Simpson say?"

I prostrate myself before your swift and merciless judgement. If you're going to flog me, please, and this is more than I deserve, but please call me Bella while you do it.

D'oh!!

Posted by: Edward'sGrrl is really Mella at September 3, 2008 5:46 PM

HA! My friend, who is currently reading the 4th book, texted me today and said: "So a bunch of vampires couldn't figure out that a vampire fetus might be craving blood? Really?"

Good show, Edward's Grrl. I thought it was a joke at first (I mean, "irregardless"? on this site?), and then you did such a fine job of being fake-insulted that I became convinced you were seriously a 15 year old girl who really was insulted. Nice work.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 5:49 PM

Also, I wanted to ask... are the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter books any good? i saw there's a graphic novel version now, and read the first few pages, and it seemed like it could be okay...

...and that was Mella? I knew I loved you for a reason.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 5:51 PM

I thought it was a joke at first (I mean, "irregardless"? on this site?), and then you did such a fine job of being fake-insulted that I became convinced you were seriously a 15 year old girl who really was insulted.

Ha! Me too :) We can be some gullible bitches. Too funny Mella.

AvB, I read one half of one Anita Blake book...it's pretty much vampire porn. But I know people really get into them, so maybe others in the series are better?

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2008 5:55 PM

I hate vampires. Hate anything to do with vampires. Even more, I hate the emo-kid section of the population's infatuation with vampires. WHAT is the deal? Is sucking blood really that attractive?

I'd rather read a zombie-romance book. Zombies also eat people, haunt dark corners at night and are apparently immortal (unless run through the head with something). So give me steamy zombie harlequin romance or give me death!

Posted by: figgylicious at September 3, 2008 5:55 PM

Also, I wanted to ask... are the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter books any good? i saw there's a graphic novel version now, and read the first few pages, and it seemed like it could be okay...

...and that was Mella? I knew I loved you for a reason.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz

Weird. I was actually looking at Anita Blake on Amazon in a new window just now and wondering the same thing. It's like I need to get the taste of Twilight out of my mouth by reading something a little less totally stupid.

...and here I thought the reason you loved me was my enormous penis and impressive trust fund.

Posted by: Mella at September 3, 2008 5:58 PM

it's pretty much vampire porn.

Annnnndd sold.

...and here I thought the reason you loved me was my enormous penis and impressive trust fund.

Well, of course, but I felt a little shallow loving you just for that...

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 6:01 PM

Scarlett

I love you.

I'd totally read your version instead of this series.

*grimace*

Posted by: figgylicious at September 3, 2008 6:11 PM

Between the people who have frighteningly allowed this series to consume their brains to the people who have to cater to this insanity (*nods to parents, caring friends, and the poor poor poor bookstore employees who have my eternal sympathy*) to the people who criticize and analyse this series and its effects viciously with vocabularies and styles well exceeding that of Ms. Meyer's - I have to admit that I have been thoroughly entertained in probably every manner by this series. And I have never read any of the books (and might not ever after the nausea that accompanied - not kidding - a skimming whimsy of a few pages of the first book.)

And now I also have to thank the ads that came up for this review: "Bella accidentally locked away a Love Letter for Edward, help her!"

Classic.

Posted by: kiyo-chan at September 3, 2008 6:34 PM

I admit it. shamelessly and yet shamefully at the same time. Hello...my name is wsapnin... and I ... am... a Twilighter. There, it's off my chest. whew. Maybe now I can start to seek help. It's like being on crack, man Is there anyone who can help me? I actually fought my 11yo daughter for the last book. I check the movie website regularly. mmwaahaaa....Help me! PLEASE!

(will someone go see the midnight movie release with me? ssshhh... we don't have to tell anyone. c'mon just one time?)

Posted by: wsapnin at September 3, 2008 6:36 PM

Dude... Anita Blake is totally vampire porn. The first couple of books are pretty tame and Anita seems cool cause she's all strong and shoots shit with big guns, but if you keep reading she ends up getting spread like cream cheese on the floor of a club. Seriously weird, like all the sudden she's dropping her panties all over the place, vampire and were-animal all at the same time, it doesn't matter.
However, she can raise the dead and makes a mean zombie, so that might entice a few of you. I stopped reading beacuse she started fucking the were-dudes while they were still half animal and I was pretty afraid that I was going to come upon an ass-fucking scene, and really... I don't need to read about that.
Those are my two cents. I'll go back to lurking now.

Posted by: HoboSpider at September 3, 2008 6:47 PM

Someone mentioned that Meyer's being a BYU graduate might explain the tameness of the sex. Being at BYU myself, I thoroughly agree.
However, I should note that Meyer is quite the celebrity here in the BYU Bubble (as we who grew up in the real world call it) and it wasn't until kind of recently that I realized these books were famous anywhere other than Provo, Utah and Mormon households the world over.
And do I even have to say it? 'Round here, everyone's biggest gripe about the books is that they're too racy. To each his own, I guess...
And no, I haven't read any of them. I thought I would, but haven't gotten around to it, and this forum has only sapped my resolve.

Posted by: Pen Dragon at September 3, 2008 7:11 PM

(will someone go see the midnight movie release with me? ssshhh... we don't have to tell anyone. c'mon just one time?)

Don't you talk about my ruined birthday weekend, dammit!

Maybe I'll go see.....what...."Bolt"?!

*grimaces and turns his head as a tear rolls down*

Posted by: Jay at September 3, 2008 7:11 PM

I started reading these books because all of the library teens were reading them and I like to pretend I'm vaguely in touch when I talk to them. Most of them had "best book ever" reactions to this book. I read all four of them, didn't love them, was disgusted by the characters, but couldn't put them down. I kept thinking how Jacob and Leah were more interesting than Bella and Edward. And I desperately wanted Jacob to imprint on anyone else, a rock would do just fine, anything to get him away from Bella. Didn't work that way sadly.

Note to Meyer: characters are more interesting and relatable if they a few flaws. This allows for "growth" which partly make up "plots". Growth is not defined as getting everything you wanted with no penalties or bad consequences. Also in an epic of this size, it's always nice to toss in a few sad notes to temper the otherwise "happy ending". It makes the book more realistic, even for a fantasy that is important. (For a good example see Rowling, J.K.) Rarely in life does everything work out perfectly and it shouldn't do so in literature either.

Posted by: libraryliz at September 3, 2008 7:12 PM

But Kash, Mike Dexter is a GOD. Mike Dexter is a role model!

Posted by: Kivrin at September 3, 2008 7:35 PM

But Kash, Mike Dexter is a GOD. Mike Dexter is a role model!

Posted by: Kivrin at September 3, 2008 7:36 PM

Oh, crikey, sorry about the double post. Stupid Internet Explorer.

Posted by: Kivrin at September 3, 2008 7:37 PM

Dear Julie,
Next time you're in New York City, drinks are on me. Hmkay?
xoxo
Lizling

Posted by: lizling at September 3, 2008 7:45 PM

NNNNNNOOOOOO!!! Edward'sGrrl HAS to be real. I had already decided to search for used copies of the books on Amazon. They sound hilarious.

But how am I to rescue EG, possibly adopting her and letting her hang out with my ten year old daughter (who reads much better fiction than this) if she is not real?

Good Bye, Edward'sGrrl. *SPARKLE*

Posted by: greer at September 3, 2008 8:11 PM

The only reason I can give for the popularity of these books (and my own strange addiction to them, even while actively loathing them) is the yawning vacuum left by the absence of new Harry Potter books or J.K. Rowling fare. Whenever anyone asks me about the Twilight books, I find myself prefacing my comments with, "Well, they're no Harry Potter, and Meyer is no J.K. Rowling." And sadly, it's true.

That said, I found the final book even more polarizing than the previous three - in the first installments of the series, I enjoyed and loathed the books simultaneously (enjoy: sexy vampire stories; loathe: complete lack of female agency), but in the final book, I found myself diametrically split. I loathed the first half of the book, as it contained every bit of nasty sexist bullshit I'd come to expect and none of the redeeming parts (i.e. Jacob); I did, however, actively enjoy the second half, simply because it gave me a whole new Bella, who (even if through no will of her own) at least doesn't have to be rescued every other chapter.

But really, it's just conservative religious propaganda wrapped up in a pretty, pre-teen package. And there aren't any wizards.

Posted by: pseudoliterati at September 3, 2008 8:33 PM

I just finished this series. I'm so glad I'm not alone in thinking that these books are ridiculous. The first book was fine as it was readable and interesting, but she really should have stopped there. The last book was literally a chore to get through. There were about 50 interesting pages out of over 700. If you're wondering why I just didn't stop reading it...well I've been asking myself the same question. I just had to finish it!

Posted by: brenia at September 3, 2008 8:39 PM

One word for you, people: Reneszme.

Any author who coins a name that fucking atrocious for their characters needs to be locked in a dark cupboard without even a sparkly vampire for a night-light.

Posted by: YeahButNoBut at September 3, 2008 8:44 PM

I also should admit that I also read Ms. Meyer's other book Host, which I did like better than the Twilight Saga (I like aliens more than vampires).

If you want to read a poor man's Harry Potter (at least that's how I describe them to my friends) you should try the Septimus Heap books by Angie Sage. She's not a J.K Rowling, but is about wizards and there's a dragon boat, and in fact I think the wizards get better powers than in the Harry Potter books.

Posted by: Miss_Mimi at September 3, 2008 8:48 PM

One of my friends at work, a middle-aged woman, basically shoved the first Artemis Fowl audiobook into my hands recently, and I'm now on the fourth and LOVE them.

She'd also recommended Jim Dale's recordings of the "Peter and the Starcatchers" series, which I also enjoyed. And hey...it's Jim Dale!

Although Stephen Fry puts a lot less characterization into his readings, I do love his Tonks.

Posted by: Jay at September 3, 2008 9:09 PM

Really? I read the first Artemis Fowl and I didn't care for it at all. I recall thinking that it was annoying and poorly written. I didn't even try the rest of them. Maybe I should try it again. I really wanted to like it.

How are the Pullman ones? The Golden Compass et al? I never got around to checking any of them out.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 9:18 PM

Twilight is no different then any other vampire romance you can find in the big girl romance asile at your local borders...except it lacks the action, sex and accurate vampire mythology that makes a vampire romance novel even worth reading.

Posted by: Susan at September 3, 2008 9:21 PM

I read the first Artemis Fowl and I didn't care for it at all.

Well, the reader is excellent, I haven't read any of it myself. I'm a bit worried that the voice actor has changed for the new one that I haven't heard yet. I've looked at the comic version but it didn't fit my mind's eye that much, although I picture Artemis looking like a 13-year old Stephen Geoffreys with wire rim glasses for absolutely no defensible reason so how can I complain? Something about hearing he was wearing a white polo shirt, and the image just formed with that above-it-all soft Irish accent coming out of it. My vision of Root as Wario and Butler as Rex Libris are more realistic.

Posted by: Jay at September 3, 2008 9:37 PM

Ahaha, preach it twig ! I'm pretty fond of the "Temeraire" series myself, though I feel like it lost steam after the first novel. The fact that she ran with Napoleon's original 'hot air balloon' invasion plan still makes me crack up weeks after the fact.

Everyone on my flist is on and on about "Twilight" in generally the same manner and my issue with it, un-originally enough, is how Bella has all the spine and agency of wet towel.

If you find yourself in need of a dragon fix after "Temeraire" runs out I'd recommend "Havemercy." Its' protagonists may be gay, academic, and maladjusted, respectively, but at least there's not an undead sparkle to be seen.

Posted by: mouse at September 3, 2008 9:44 PM

Okay. So. I read the Twilight books. I bought them. Whatever. I knew they were trashy, I knew I was basically losing brain cells reading them, and I have serious issues with some of the things that happen in the books.

I liked them. A lot.

Who do I turn in my Pajiba-bookmark to?

Posted by: jvo at September 3, 2008 9:55 PM

I think this may be my favorite Pajiba thread ever. I want to have sparkly mind sex with all of you.

Posted by: Dingles at September 3, 2008 9:56 PM

How are the Pullman ones? The Golden Compass et al? I never got around to checking any of them out.

I liked the Pullman novels. The action can be a little slow but the mythos that he creates is interesting. There were a couple of spots where I thought he could have removed the last 50 pages and still would have gotten his point across. Some of my friends objected to the religious aspect of the novel, but unlike them I don't take offence when people question Christianity or the existence of God.

But I may not be the best recommender of books, I'll read crap, know within the first 5 pages it's crap and still finish the damn book. It might take me a month but I won't give up. Most recent book I thought was crap, The Pillars of the Earth, it should have been right up my ally, but alas, crap.

Actually, the current series enjoying at this moment is the Dresden Files, based on TK's recommendation.

Posted by: Miss_Mimi at September 3, 2008 10:04 PM

OMG I *also* had a huge crush on Ford Prefect. Anyone who would see the end of the world coming and immediately down two beers and a handful of nuts is the guy for me. Towel-rific!

Posted by: scullypdx at September 3, 2008 10:20 PM

I think the reason these books are so popular is because of the all-consuming, totally engrossing, die-for-each-other love story. I mean, when I was a teenage girl, I didn't imagine myself growing up, finding a guy I liked "for the most part," moving in with him because paying only half the rent on an apartment was a good financial decision, reading a book in the bedroom while he watches the SciFi channel in the living room in his ratty underwear, etc. No, I dreamed of having a gorgeous, strong, perfect boyfriend, who didn't care about other girls, only me. He'd see a model and say, "Baby, she's nothing compared to you." And I would know that he meant it. I wanted him to say he couldn't live without me, and I wanted someone I couldn't live without. Love was supposed to have "meaning" and this huge, life-altering importance.

But let's face it: Grown-up relationships are pretty much NEVER that romantic. And if we knew someone in a relationship that intense, we'd think they were crazy. Reading this book brought back all those feelings I had when I was 14 or 15: "Where is that ONE guy who will change my life?" I know NOW that it's ridiculous, but young girls haven't learned it yet. I think it's pretty brilliant for Stephenie Meyer to tap into that youthful, basic yearning.

Posted by: Leota at September 3, 2008 10:30 PM

How are the Pullman ones? The Golden Compass et al? I never got around to checking any of them out.

The first book was gorgeous and exciting and heartbreaking. I loved it.

The second book was exciting, too, introducing new characters and new wrinkles, and I figured it was setting the stage for a glorious finale.

The last book...went batshit fucking crazy. It was like a psychedelic schizophrenic zeppelin disaster or something.

All in all, I don't regret reading the His Dark Materials trilogy; just be warned that the ending is a letdown. A psychedelic schizophrenic letdown.

Posted by: Jerce at September 3, 2008 10:46 PM

The last book...went batshit fucking crazy. It was like a psychedelic schizophrenic zeppelin disaster or something.
All in all, I don't regret reading the His Dark Materials trilogy; just be warned that the ending is a letdown. A psychedelic schizophrenic letdown.

I disagree Jerce. His Dark Materials was a well thought out series. It's true that the last book was heavier on the religious message than the other books but at least it HAS a message. It's really well written, the characters are fantastic and the ending is bittersweet. All in all it deals with the characters' adolescence and eventual transformation to adulthood in a very honest way. And the story is original and engaging. I missed the psychedelic schizophrenic letdown part apparently.

Posted by: ooperboober at September 3, 2008 11:05 PM

I work at a Borders (sorry), and with my employee discount I bought my violently lapsed Mormon friend a romance novel concerning the heart- and tushy-aches of gay vampire cowboys. She told her Mormon momma it was a new Stephanie Meyer novel, and we got away scot-free. This is the amount of influence that that awful woman has.
Frankly, this whole phenomenon scares the shit out of me. I know that I should be glad that people my age are reading at all, but... damn. It just makes me angry that Meyer is making such an astounding amount of money off of this drivel when so many brilliant writers refuse to lower their personal standards just to corner the slack-jawed preteen ninnies market.

Posted by: Kiki at September 3, 2008 11:41 PM

Okay, I'm just going to skip on down here and say my shit.

DO NOT READ THE ANITA BLAKE SERIES.

If you do, stop at Obsidian Butterfly. Everything after that isn't even porn. It is dirty, filthy, sadomasochistic bullshit. She gets gangbanged by werewolves and wereleopards in their animal forms. She fucks random people constantly. And I mean about once and HOUR. Vampires bite her tits and she bleeds to death almost every day. THEY USE IT AS LUBRICANT.

It's freaks me out. And if it freaks me out, then it is beyond horribly strange.

And fuck Twilight in the ear with a horse cock. It's the most simplistic bullshit I've ever read. His Dark Materials did have kind of a shit-tastic ending, but I could deal with it because I was just dying to have a daemon who will never leave me alone. Cause I'm a wuss like that.

I'm shutting up now before I embarass myself.

Damn vicodin.

Posted by: Jaci at September 4, 2008 12:27 AM

Thank the Good Octopus in Heaven.
I have been waiting for this review.
This book, as well as all Virginia Andrews books deserved to be dipped in Holy Water and then thrown into an active volcano.
The sad thing was, I actually liked the first book a bit and then, plauged by rampent consumerism had to buy the next three, because thats how these shitty writers draw you in, make the first book only a little bit crappy and leave you wanting more.
This book made me want to burn my eyes with a hot poker as all literacy skills, writing abilities, punctuation and plot lines were non-existent.
Yet the reviewers that have had an apparent frontal lobodomy compare this series to the Harry Potter series, what a crock of shit.

Posted by: caity at September 4, 2008 12:28 AM

Totally agree, jerce. I loved the first book, and the second one was a bit weak but still great. Then the third one was just Pullman getting so full of his anti-religion ranting that the story completely went to pot. Just remembered the fucking elephants on wheels makes me shudder.

There are GREAT things in the third book, but for the most part I thought it was a great meandering mess.

Posted by: figgylicious at September 4, 2008 12:49 AM

So I've always assumed these books are beyond horrible, and everyone I've talked to who has read them has more or less confirmed that. But I have to say, the whole baby shredding its mom in order to be born thing sounds like a great metaphor for actual childbirth and motherhood. Lots of pain and blood so you can give birth to an entirely self-centered being who sees you mainly as a food source? Uh, yeah, I'd say that's about right.

Posted by: magic8ball at September 4, 2008 1:40 AM

Oh god, Twilight. I'd never heard of it until I saw how batshit insane the fans were. Mocking them has gotten me so involved that I'm going to be hosting a READING. Granted, it's to get drunk, mock it, look at the NY skyline, and make glittery art, but still. How did this happen to me?

(The night I decide to actually comment, it's on 90210, Melrose Place, and Twilight. I so do not belong on this site.)

Posted by: Sabrina at September 4, 2008 2:36 AM

If you're looking for a good vampire novel I reccomend Sunshine by Robin McKinely, but only if you aren't going on a diet (the main character calls herself the Cinnamon Roll Queen for good reason). Much better then Twilight, by a long shot.

Posted by: gloria at September 4, 2008 3:03 AM

OK, I'll admit it. I'm one of those teenage ninny Twilighters you Pajibans love to loathe because of my apparently blind dedication to the series. And right now, I fucking love each and every one of you who hate this book.

Because when I go to talk to anyone about this complete waste of 700 pages, they insist that it's made of fucking gold, that we should all worship at the altar of Breaking Dawn, and that we should ignore the glaringly obvious plot holes and any semblance of characterisation, plot and all those other minor points when you want to string a semi-decent story together.

What. The. Fuck.

It's complete fangirl drivel, to say the least. It sounds like Meyer went on a few fan sites, gathered the most cliched, unlikely, stereotypical, and above all [i]terrible[/i] plot points possible, and then wrote a parody of her own series. Because there is no fucking other way that something like Breaking Dawn could even get published as a serious piece of literature (or something that was even worth publishing).

It's a fucking shame and a major disappointment, to say the least. I mean, I didn't actually believe that Breaking Dawn was going to be any better than the rest of the only satisfactory series, but I was hoping Meyer would try to end things with a bang, or do something vaguely original with her bland, bland characters. Fuck. I should have known better than to put hope in the progenitor of Isabella fucking Swan.

That said, I'm going to see the movie. Judging by the trailer, it's as cringe-worthy, cliched and utterly absurd as the books, but I'd still pay $10 and more to watch Robert Pattinson/Cedric Diggory on a screen for an hour and a half. He can drag me into a dark alley and do illicit, sparkly things to my person anyday.

Posted by: CamillaV at September 4, 2008 4:58 AM

I admit I read and loved the first three books. After the first book there was a steady decline in quality and and steady rise in misogyny, but I still ate them up as easy, quick reads. And then, the fourth one landed, and I woke up from whatever disillusions of enjoyment I had with the series. It's so bad. It's just so, so bad. I found myself walking around the day after finishing it repeating that over and over again... it's just so bad. I reads like poorly-written, barely-edited fan fiction. It doesn't fit in tone or content with the books that came before. The thing that kept me hooked with the other books was the tension of having to make a choice and deal with the consequences. Bella got everything she wanted without losing anything, and it blew. Not to mention Meyer just changed the rules of her own world to allow for the vampire spawn. It was maddening (and gross, btw. Makes adoption look very, very attractive). What the hell. It was the first time I've ever contemplated returning a book. If you're a fan of the series, do yourself a favor and stop at Eclipse. Whatever kind of ending you can concoct in your own imagination will inevitably be more plausible than the batshit crazy ending that was Breaking Dawn.

Posted by: claire at September 4, 2008 6:41 AM

Mella...I bow.

Posted by: PissBoy at September 4, 2008 7:31 AM

Also, Mella, you are my hero.

Posted by: CamillaV at September 4, 2008 7:53 AM

Note to Donna Sherman:

My first exposure to you was with your review last week of Unaccustomed Earth. I haven't read any of Lahiri's work nor have I read any of Meyer's, yet I feel as if your reviews have given me all the insight I need about where their respective works fall in the literary pantheon. I don't even try to keep up with contemporary literature, so I have no idea if I'll ever get to see your review of a book that I've also read (unless your Pajiba masters will loose you on some sort of Underappreciated Classics diversion). Regardless, you have a new fan!

Posted by: Che Grovera at September 4, 2008 9:03 AM

I also work as a bookseller for a major retail establishment, and a few years back a coworker recommended Twilight, so I read it and was really bored. The book was terrible and it sounds like the series never gets any better. At the time I never thought the series would get this popular. This year alone there have been at least 10 fantastic young adult fantasy books that have been released, but no one reads them because this fucking series takes up all the shelf space. It is enough to drive me somewhat homicidal (as this long post from a regular lurker attests),

To the person who asked about the Anita Blake series: the first (8-ish) books were fun reads. Necromancy with guns, how can you go wrong. Then she kept going (as well as her fairy series - seriously, stay far the fuck away from that). The later books are beyond terrible. It isn't the ridiculously over the top were-fucking, it's that the plots have all but disappeared and that the books consist only of were-fucking. It's obnoxious. Amuzingly, Hamilton has the problem of not being able to write decent male characters unless they are sociopaths. I really need to stop this post now, so hope that helps your decision.

Posted by: mia at September 4, 2008 10:32 AM

Wow, this thread is entertaining. I think if I ever start a band, I'm gonna name it "glitter cock."

YA books that are actually good, not just bizarrely addictive like Twlight:

His Dark Materials are brilliant, gorgeous, and heartbreaking, and should be read immediately if you haven't done so already. I also recommend Phillip Reeve's Mortal Engines. Flora Segunda is like a mix between Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Lewis Carrol (read: awesome), and the unfortunately titled Faeries of Dreamdark was surprisingly beautiful and lyrical. And if you simply must read a supernatural romance adventure, pick up Cassandra Clare's City of Ashes and its sequel, City of Bones. It's got vampires, demons, superpowers, mystery, magic, humorous pop culture references, and incest. Yeah, the main character is in love with her brother. Yeehaw.

Posted by: Girlnone at September 4, 2008 10:50 AM

Argh.. when will the blight of vampire books be lifted? Or at the very least can we convince the publishers (via the persuasive method of repeated groin-kickings, perhaps) to move them from 'science fiction' or 'fantasy' to 'romance'? Seems like every time I drop by Uncle Hugo's (best damn science fiction book store in the Upper Midwest.) it's all 'vampire' this (or 'arthurian' that, but that's a rant for another day- and at least the 'arthurian vampire' genre hasn't really taken off). I'm already at the point where I don't claim to read fantasy because of it- before long I may have to skip admitting that I read science fiction, too.

Posted by: Ray at September 4, 2008 10:52 AM

girlnone: If you start said band, let me know. I can sing and I'll play bass.

Other teen-vampire genre books that are at least decent: Check out LJ Smith, for serious. They've re-released all her books because of the Twilight popularity and I maintain that she's horribly underrated. At least she's consistent.

And re: Anita Blake. Anita Blake (and Merry Gentry) are total and complete Mary Sues. The beginning Anita books were decent but once Anita went all Polyamorous Guilt Woman it was just said.

Posted by: Scarlett at September 4, 2008 11:27 AM

I equate reading the Twilight saga to eating gummi worms from the 99 cent store; you don't really want to, they don't really taste good, yet you finish the whole bag.

Yet another excellent summary of my sentiments!

From time to time, I did end up tossing the books aside with a "Oh for crying out loud, GET IT ON already!" Imagine my disappointment...

Posted by: Neon at September 4, 2008 11:34 AM

I love vampire stories, so I decided to try this series out, even though I am almost 30. I think many of the ideas in the story were decent, but executed poorly. Stephanie Meyers needs a better thesaurus and a new editor (especially in Breaking Dawn).
I remember being a teenager so I can see how Bella got so obsessed with Edward. But once he left her and broke her heart, I don't understand how she could just run back into his arms and forget how he hurt her. She was incapacitated for months (in the 2nd book I think?). After Jacob came into the picture, I just kept reading, hoping she would see that he was such a better person for her. The ending of the series when Jacob imprints was completely ridiculous and convinced me completely that the author has no idea how to write a relatable story.
The lack of sex scenes was frustrating, and I kept hoping something would happen, but then I remembered Meyer is a Mormon, and this was geared towards 14 year olds. Sigh.
I am still going to see the movie. Maybe the director will take some artistic license and improve the character development? One can hope...

Posted by: lurker at September 4, 2008 11:43 AM

Has no one mentioned the blatant lack of anyone of color -- other than Jacob and the wolfies -- in Meyer's world?

The only African-American character is in Breaking Dawn, seen in the ghetto of Seattle, described with "crinkly" hair. I threw the book down at that.

Also, I was waiting for Bella to realize that she wanted to ditch both angst-ridden Edward and misogynist Jacob and run away with Alice.

Posted by: mirari at September 4, 2008 12:31 PM

Also, I was waiting for Bella to realize that she wanted to ditch both angst-ridden Edward and misogynist Jacob and run away with Alice.

Posted by: mirari at September 4, 2008 12:31 PM

Now that's an ending I can get behind. Alice the only fucking awesome character in the entire series. Although, that would never happen because she's "married".

Posted by: Ava at September 4, 2008 2:11 PM

I don't mind this series per se. Yes, I can identify the sexism running rampant throughout. However - two things to consider (apologies if either has been mentioned): 1) The series is written for teenagers. Most teenage girls, at least some of the less self-empowered ones, would love a real-life Edward, or at least someone similar (with regards to the devotion). 2) Meyer is Mormon, yeah? Excuse my ignorance, but isn't Mormonism one religion views females as being subservient to men? Not in a waiting-on-a-guy-hand-and-foot kind of way, but in a wife-obeys-her-husband sense? My parents were Methodist, now non-demoninational, and it's something they observe. Something about being in the Bible, blah blah.

If I'm wrong, please don't kill me. I meant no offense to anyone who is Mormon, is married to a Mormon, knows a Mormon, whatever.

Posted by: Nadha at September 4, 2008 7:43 PM

Yow!!! Ford Prefect, huh? Good taste.

By the way, how is it exactly that vampires can have babies? Any Buffy fan knows that just isn't possible.

Posted by: Harlequin at September 4, 2008 8:21 PM

Actually, Harlequin, any true Buffy fan knows it is possible....

Connor, anyone??

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 4, 2008 10:32 PM

Of course any TRUE....*Angel* fan would...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 4, 2008 10:36 PM

....would what, BSLim!?

don't leave me hangin', baby...

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 4, 2008 10:52 PM

I read Twilight to see what the to-do was about.

It's embarrassingly dreadful; as in, it's so dreadful being its author would be an embarrassment.

As to why it's popular: read "tipping point." It's popular BECAUSE it's popular...All of us read it to see what the fuss was about, right?

Twilight's a fad (unlike Bad Tween Book 2a) because of it's timing, marketing, and Meyer's dedicated, awfully executed submission to a "what a tween girl wants to fantasize about(and her parents are ok with)" report.

Meyers = the sound I made when I puked on the airplane after finishing Twilight

Posted by: me at September 4, 2008 11:28 PM

If you want to read YA fantasy I recommend the Hero and the Crown by Robin McKinley (and the Blue Sword by the same author). They're quite old but still potent.

Posted by: io at September 5, 2008 2:53 AM

My students read these books which means I've been reading them. The first two in the series are mind-numbingly dreadful. Four hundred pages of pining followed by 100 pages of the author's attempt at action. Also, did anyone else get the feeling that Meyer has a list of about 20 vocabulary words that she chooses from every few sentences? As Donna mentioned, "grimace" may be the biggest culprit.

I have to admit that the third novel isn't too bad (for what it is). There's a bit more urgency that keeps it from being the equivalent to a Benadryl and bourbon cocktail. I also like Jacob Black more than Edward. If I were Bella, I'd pick the werewolf. (Sorry, my inner 13 year old just came to visit)

I suppose I'll read the last book. I made it this far, why give up? I know this isn't necessarily QUALITY, but at least my students are reading. And they're proud to read something that's "hefty." I don't have the heart to tell them the books are 6th grade reading level at best.

These books serve a purpose, so I'm okay with them. But if one more person compares them to my beloved Potter series, I'm going to drink their blood.

Posted by: superEdna at September 5, 2008 11:37 PM

(belatedly) Edward'sGrrl: 9/10 - would be trolled again

Posted by: DarthArwen at September 12, 2008 5:35 AM

This book was the worst book ever - editing errors galore, one-dimensional characters, the characters were all totally out of character, plot holes the size of the Grand Canyon ... you name it, and it's there. Maybe being fourteen is too old to enjoy it and ignore the horrible underlying messages.

Posted by: Megan at September 20, 2008 3:49 PM

That whole vampire-baby-chewing-through-uterus thing is pretty gross, but I a surgical procedure exists that can skip that step. It's called a C-Section. Isn't Carlisle supposed to be a surgeon?

Also, I must confess that I caved and read the entire first book last night. That stuff is like literary crack.

Posted by: Thomas Jefferson's Underwear at September 21, 2008 1:19 PM

I read these books just for the fun if it. I saw it in the library, read the first chapter while i was there, it was alright, so i left, and bought the saga.
I stayed up for like a week and read all four.
i have to disagree with some people here though.
I loved Edward and Bella. They were the only characters that made me finish the books.
i feel ashamed to say it, but a crush did occur.
But i did not like the books. There are WAY to many flaws in the plot, and some things were just sick.
I feel sorry for Jacob. He did not really have to be involved the way that he was. there was no need for it.
I would have changed a lot of things, but overall it was a good series. some things were disturbing.
I found one problem though.
In breaking dawn,
did anyone notice a slight mistake?
tell me if i'm wrong, but when bella practices expanding her shield, they know that she can protect other from the mind "tricks" people send out.
But we also know that the people withing the shield can do things to each other. we know this becuase Edward never notices the shield around him and others when bella expands it in front the volturi, meaning he can still read other peoples minds.
So, should'nt he be able to read bellas mind in the shield?
its not only around her anymore, its around him to.

Not sure if i miss undrstood.
But thats what i think.
Tell me if you think otherwise, it will help my confusion.

Email= julie_butler@live.com

Posted by: Julie at October 25, 2008 6:56 AM

Teenagers are actulaly opening books and reading somthing! That is a big plus for our iPod, mp3, myspace loving generation. The book IS targeted toward young adults, mostly teens. don't be surprised if adults aren't digging it.

Posted by: Maday Perales at November 6, 2008 1:56 PM

Hey u need to write a 5th book. I cant stop reading them! I cant wait for twilight the movie to come out!!!! I have to see it !! You should keep the series going all the way! There should be a 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th and 10th book and keep going till you are forsed to quit it is really no doubt that they are the best books ever!!!

Posted by: Becky at November 9, 2008 3:26 PM

Yes, Twilight sucks ass for a myriad of reasons. Yes, I'll go see it since my friends will drag me (most likely to the midnight showing) though i plan to be intoxicated.

But if you're like me and thought "Why, Robert Pattinson, WHY?! How could you debase yourself to this?"
This made me forgive him.
http://www.ropeofsilicon.com/article/pattinson-gets-to-the-heart-of-stephenie-meyer-and-her-twilight-series
He echoes what i was thinking every God damn moment i wasted reading that literary aberration.

Posted by: chiefly at November 20, 2008 12:15 AM

OKay. so i love these books.And i applaud her putting the marriage before sex thing in there. seriously some of us still believe in that! And if any of you could write like her u wouldnt be putting stupid comments on here about how she sucks i know i wouldnt. why do people always have to be downers?

Posted by: kayla at November 27, 2008 12:37 AM

So I have to say that so far I've only read the first two books, because I saw the movie and wanted to read the books. I read the first two in 4 days and I hardly ever read if I don't have to. I'm 25 and I enjoyed reading these books so far. After reading some of your comments, I have to say what's wrong with waiting until your married to have sex. Maybe that is something that needs to be looked at more in our society. Another reason I liked the books is because it gives us another look a vampires and what is wrong with that. (Nothing) Who ever said that the methods and legends that we know are true? If you are not going to keep an open mind when reading maybe these are not the books for you.

Posted by: Stephanie at January 5, 2009 7:40 PM

let people read the book with out making it sound like shit.... i am a big book reader and thought the twilight series was great and that there was no problem with the story it is different and mind catching maybe if u werent so skip pages ect then u could enjoy the book .... the movie is great to it adds difference to storys that have been passed down in movies and books for years some of us like change

Posted by: RooGirl at January 27, 2009 1:05 AM

this is the best book i have ever read....
and trust me i dont read at all...
i fell in love with these books....
because i have a heart....
and to all the people that have put horrible comments on here....
take this comment and shove it up ur ass...
FUCK U ASS HOLES.....

Posted by: sammi spencer at February 22, 2009 1:45 PM

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