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Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox by Eoin Colfer | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

100 Books in One Year. #5: Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox by Eoin Colfer
Cannonball Read / Brian Prisco

Book Reviews | September 18, 2008 | Comments (23)


9780141383347.jpgI fell in love with this series in the midst of the Harry Potter novels, trying to quench my thirst for children’s fantasy novels and not finding it in the Jesus Kitty Litter Box of Narnia or the disappointing finale of His Dark Materials. Fantasy was my staple growing up. When I wasn’t reading Stephen King, I was reading David Eddings or the Forgotten Realms and Ravenloft books. I’ve just started with the Robert Jordan and I plan on moving on to the Song of Ice and Fire series by George R.R. Martin. Fantasy can be violent without swearing or involving sexuality. It’s got all the danger and intrigue and I love starting kids on series they’ll love.

Artemis Fowl was a great find as a bookseller. It’s about an Irish master criminal who’s not quite a teenager. He makes an attempt to steal fairy gold. Only these fairies aren’t wands and wings. They’re part of a military tactical police force called LEPrecon. It’s got a fantastic cast of characters, and at one point they were dallying with a movie, which is allegedly in the works. I weep for it, because I can totally see this going the way of The Seeker, the odious attempt to do bludgeon my fond memories of The Dark is Rising series.

I’ve been pretty impressed with the shelf life of this series. I would preach the gospel of this to small children, since not only is it a cool story, but there’s actually a translatable code that runs along the bottom of the book. Each stories gotten progressively more interesting, but this is sort of turning into all series when you get five or six books, or television programs six or seven years into the making. What do you do with a criminal mastermind once you’ve sent him on missions to find his long lost father, into the center of Limbo, and pitted him against a pixie criminal genius? Well, you start in on the whole time travel.

Once someone starts talking time travel in a series, my eyes roll up into my head, and I’m done for. Just once, I’d like to see someone totally nuke the space-time continuum and have to exist in a world beyond their own understanding. I don’t want everything wrapped up nice and neat. I’m definitely going to be there when they release a new series, but I can’t get as excited about this as some of the other series I’m reading. Particularly, it’s paling in comparison to the excellent Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. It’s essentially about a young boy who discovers he’s the son of a Greek God, and half-mortal himself. So with it comes strange powers, and the discovery of a camp of other sons of immortals. And an entire series about trying to stop Kronos from destroying Mount Olympus. It’s really fun, and it plays a lot with the whole Greek myths. It’s a fun series, and it’s already up to book 4. I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in children’s lit.

This review is part of the Cannonball Read series. You can read more about it, here.


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Comments

The interesting thing about the previous Artemis Fowl books is the profession of the main character from not-very-likable tween supervillain to the kinder, more conscientious hero. So pitting Artemis against his younger self makes a kind of sense. What made less sense, however, was the absolute mess of a plot (Lemurs! Time travel! The return of the arch nemesis! Krakens!) and the *shudder* romantic tension between Holly and Artemis. That was just weird.

I agree with your recommendation of the Percy Jackson series. They are smart, the narrator is funny, and there's just enough of an epic plot to stay interesting without it collapsing under the weight of its own gravitas.

Posted by: Girlnone at September 18, 2008 8:48 AM

That's Artemis's PROGRESSION, not profession.

Posted by: Girlnone at September 18, 2008 8:50 AM

I've just started with the Robert Jordan and I plan on moving on to the Song of Ice and Fire series by George R.R. Martin. Fantasy can be violent without swearing or involving sexuality.

Wow, lots of things wrong here. First off, trying to read any of those books in the middle of your 100 Book in One Year thing is probably a bad idea. Almost every one is 700+ pages long. And Jordan is incredibly boring. Some people still swear by him, but especially after book 6 the plot comes to a virtual standstill. I can't even remember which book I stopped on, but practically nothing happened in it in almost a thousand pages.

As for Martin, A Song of Ice and Fire is everything Jordan tried to make The Wheel of Time: epic, engaging, and compulsively readable. But make no mistake, there is a ton of swearing and sexuality in his books.

Posted by: Todd at September 18, 2008 9:20 AM

Well I can't read your little review cause I'm still in line for the audiobook, smartypants! I hope the new reader's not a letdown.

I've noticed that the UK covers are predictably much better (Harry Potter being a notable exception). That Artemis certainly looks better than the ugly comic book. There's also some interesting news about Eoin Colfer this week.

Posted by: Jay at September 18, 2008 9:21 AM

Oh good. I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't stand the Chronicles of Narnia or His Dark Materials. I don't know whether it's because I'm not Christian and I don't get the references, or because they're just crappy stories. Nah, they're just crappy stories.

I liked the first Artemis Fowl (as I was waiting for the next Harry Potter to be written), and the second one was OK, but I lost interest after that.

Funny thing is, I just started rereading Harry Potter from the beginning a couple of days ago. Damn, even the first one is better than I remembered it being. It's kind of a shame that future kids won't have the thrill of having to WAIT for the next book for 2 years.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 18, 2008 9:27 AM

Mr. vB actually called me from work to tell me that news yesterday, Jay. (This is startling if you understand the extreme rarity of him calling me from work.) I was stunned. Particularly because I read the first Artemis Fowl and didn't like it. I'm going to try it again, because maybe I was in a bad place when I read it, but I remember thinking that I didn't like the writing itself.

Anyway, apparently Colfer was against it and a little panicky when it was first suggested to him, but then decided he's going to make it the best thing he's ever written. From Mr. vB's description, I've gotta respect that.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 18, 2008 9:29 AM

My first reaction was semi-outrage that anyone should be allowed to tamper with this incredible series. [...] I feel more pressure to perform now than I ever have with my own books, and that is why I am bloody determined that this will be the best thing I have ever written. And if it isn't then I will make sure that the cover is extremely pretty.

From Colfer's website. Click my name. My stomach dropped when I first heard it, but this is a pretty good attitude to go into it with. Therefore, I will not burn down the UK.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 18, 2008 9:47 AM

Um, Colfer? He's no Douglas Adams. I'm skeptical. Deeply, darkly skeptical.

Posted by: Girlnone at September 18, 2008 10:01 AM

It's kind of funny to me how similar we grew up reading fantasy. I read every King book as a kid/tween, and I think at one point I had every Dragonlance book in print. I read every Forgotten Realms book I could get my hands on, and I still have a copy of The Dark Elf Trilogy Collector's Edition signed by R.A. Salvatore (I went to a signing at Barnes & Noble). I moved on to Jordan and read up to what he had written at the time, then moved onto A Song of Ice and Fire. I'm still eagerly awaiting both A Memory of Light (I plowed my way through WoT, and somehow am still a fan) and A Dance With Dragons.

I can't recommend Ice and Fire enough, seriously. Way different level than WoT. It's brutal and unhappy, with so many incredible characters all braided together into a huge plot tapestry. Murder, incest, patricide...it's so good. It's my all time favorite series of books, and the best fantasy I've ever read. You need to start as soon as you can. If you think you can read them fast enough, add them to your contest. If not, queue them for when it's over. Do it!

Posted by: Snath at September 18, 2008 10:04 AM

Well, I'll recommend the audiobooks again. Nathaniel Parker's great. I haven't actually read them, so it might come over better as a performance (but then, you might just not like them, fair enough and there's nothing for that).

Root's definitely one of my favorite voices.

Posted by: Jay at September 18, 2008 10:23 AM

Add me as another voice who didn't care for His Dark Materials after the first book. I still enjoy Narnia, but I keep it in a mental niche and know what Lewis was trying to do.

And I also heartily endorse A Song of Fire and Ice. Holy cow, it's about the most violent book I've ever read, all political intrigue and nasty, nasty people. But Martin has a way of making thoroughly despicable characters turn around and surprise the hell out of you. I can't wait till HBO turns this into a series. I expect it to be a lot like Rome, actually.

Posted by: Wednesday at September 18, 2008 10:27 AM

Actually, I'm in the middle of the first Song of Ice and Fire book right as we speak. It truly is a different animal. When I came upon the first utterance of the word "fuck" I was all "Say whaaaaat?" but then I just let the story wrap itself around me and blow my mind. Believe you me, I'm going to address that when I do my eventual review.
And, yeah, kids. I'm still doing all the Jordan books I can fit in, I'm doing Infinite Jest, and I'm doing Don Quixote. For me, it's all about what I'm reading. Plus, it'll keep the race intense. Pink and I are almost neck and neckless.

Posted by: insertclevernamehere at September 18, 2008 10:36 AM

Loved Narnia as a young kid, then grew up just enough to see the enormous club labeled "METAPHOR" whacking me over the head every three pages. However just a mention of The Dark is Rising is enough to make me think it's time for a sick day spent with a comfortable couch and a stack of books to re-read... damn I wanted a Great Uncle Merry...

Posted by: megan at September 18, 2008 10:53 AM

Let me hop on the Song of Ice and Fire bandwagon.

The last one was a massive let down though - after many years of waiting, R.R.Martin wrote about the least interesting characters and saved the better ones for the next book - who knows when that will be published...

Posted by: Ari at September 18, 2008 11:18 AM

@ Anna von Beaverplatz

You can burn down the UK if you want Anna, Eoin is Irish and lives in Ireland not the UK.

Posted by: JEff at September 18, 2008 11:40 AM

D'oh!

Yep, I'm kinda dumb sometimes.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 18, 2008 11:59 AM

I agree, Hid Dark Materials just went straight to hell (HA!) at the end. Honestly.

And I'm glad I'm not the only one who wanted to shoot someone over the trash that was the Seeker. I loved The Drk is Rising, and thought it was super creepy when I read it, and then they turned it into Dufus the American has a Rollicking Adventure. Hate!

Read Neil Gaiman.

Posted by: Sally at September 18, 2008 12:03 PM

I can't wait till HBO turns this into a series. I expect it to be a lot like Rome, actually.

If I thought they could do it right, I'd be excited, too. But I just can't see it happening. My understanding is that they want to make each book into a season, which sounds plausible. But it will probably be ten years at least before Martin's done with the books, and I don't see how they can really get started on the series until the end is very, very close. And the number of actors they would need would make The Wire look simplistic. Jaime alone is a huge hurdle. They'd need a guy to show up for just a couple of scenes in seasons one and two, then be a good enough actor (not to mention handsome enough) to practically carry the show for the next couple of years (which, if you ask me, Jaime's been doing in the last couple of books). And that's forgetting the battle scenes. In Rome those were mostly off-camera, but it would be really tricky to explain in words what happened, say, to Tyrion in the Battle of the Blackwater.

Don't get me wrong, if they could do it, I'd be ecstatic. But it would be damn hard.

Posted by: Todd at September 18, 2008 12:08 PM

Fuck yes! This series is the shit! I used to commute for hours to and from school, work, and other crap ass destinations, and I listened to audiobooks to keep the boredown low. I can't wait to listen to this book!

Might I also suggest the Pendragon series by DJ MacHale, if you like children's adventures? Also a a great "read" while commuting or when you don't have time to actually read. The narrators are terrific.

Posted by: armpitofla at September 18, 2008 1:03 PM

Hmmm. I haven't read any of the Pendragons, but I'll probably have to check it out now that you mention it.

I read that as "armpit of fla" at first and figured that must mean Tallahassee or something, since it looks like an armpit. Where the pit resides in LA I've no idea.

Oh but suck it anyway, 'Noles!

Posted by: Jay at September 18, 2008 1:09 PM

Skip Robert Jordan - the first book is great, the second book okay, and after that he must have been paid by the kilo cos they are nothing but doorstops made of crap. Plus he died without finishing the series and no-one wants to wade through that much crap without reaching a conclusion.

The Song of Ice and Fire is fantastic, though. When you're reading it, try and pick who the heroes and villains are, partly because by the fourth book you won't be sure, but mostly because all the characters you like will DIE HORRIBLY.

Posted by: YeahButNoBut at September 18, 2008 8:37 PM

Um, Colfer? He's no Douglas Adams. I'm skeptical. Deeply, darkly skeptical.

What I wanna know is, who didn't think of Terry Pratchett for "that" job? HE ATENT DEAD.

Posted by: Goldie at September 19, 2008 12:03 AM

I love the Terry Pratchett Discworld series. Blaze through em easily.

Posted by: replica at September 19, 2008 1:20 AM





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