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An Anti-Nicholas Sparks Screed

By Teabelly | Posted Under Book Reviews | Comments (36)



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Publisher’s Note: The following isn’t an actual book review, but after yesterday’s Nicholas Sparks’ heavy April Fool’s gag, it should provide a nice palate cleanser.

I’ve spent a good chunk of today feeling enraged after reading an article about Nicholas Sparks. I really would like to punch him in his smug face. I have read one of his books, A Walk to Remember, in which a teenage ‘bad boy’ falls in love with a virtuous girl who is dying of cancer. Lives are changed, tears are shed. This pretty much sums up the majority of his works from what I can gather. I have seen the film of The Notebook and bits of Message in a Bottle, and they’re the same nonsense. You know going in that there will be an ‘epic’ love story where people will be kept apart by ridiculous circumstances and then most likely death, probably from something preventable, like say not going off in a dinghy into an oncoming storm. And if the main characters don’t die then someone (or more than one) around them will, causing unnecessary angst for the lovers before an ending that should leave you reaching for the tissues but after which we have all hugged and learned and grown.

There would be nothing wrong with this if it weren’t for Nicholas Sparks’ inflated opinion of himself and his writing. I would like to hope that he’s pulling everyone’s leg when he says things like those below, but he probably isn’t. I don’t mind books of this ilk, they have a place in literature, people like them. Hey, I’ve read Nora Roberts and enjoyed them, it’s cool. What they’re not though, are something to be held up as amazing literature, or likened to Greek Tragedies. Seriously Sparks, get down off that soapbox, you ain’t no Shakespeare. And your books ARE romances, so suck it.

This is the article that’s pissed me off, and I can’t remember where I saw it or why I was reading it, but if I could take it back I would. Instead I am forcing it on everyone else. Or the five people who might read this (surprise! — DR). In it, Sparks utters such gems as ‘“I don’t write romance novels.” His preferred terminology: “Love stories — it’s a very different genre. I would be rejected if I submitted any of my novels as romance novels.”

And:

“There’s a difference between drama and melodrama; evoking genuine emotion, or manipulating emotion. It’s a very fine eye-of-the-needle to thread. And it’s very rare that it works. That’s why I tend to dominate this particular genre. There is this fine line. And I do not verge into melodrama. It’s all drama. I try to generate authentic emotional power.” But, well, he always does kill someone by the end of his tales, usually to maximum handkerchief effect. “Of course!” Sparks says. “I write in a genre that was not defined by me. The examples were not set out by me. They were set out 2,000 years ago by Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides. They were called the Greek tragedies”

Oh lord. Can he actually believe his stories aren’t melodramatic? That they haven’t smelt authentic with the way he manipulates his readers? But then he says of Cormac McCarthy: “Horrible,” he says, looking at Blood Meridian. “This is probably the most pulpy, overwrought, melodramatic cowboy vs. Indians story ever written.” Melodramatic? He keeps using that word. I do not think it means what he thinks it means. Look, I didn’t like Blood Meridian, but I could appreciate the language he used, and he’s written other books that are beyond brilliant, something Nicholas Sparks will never even come close to. In another article he clarifies: “Look — The Crossing Guard? His early work? Very strong.” What did he think of The Road? “I’ll be honest, I like his earlier work. You know what? I get that too. A lot of people say, ‘I like The Notebook.’ That was my first book! I’ve done 15 things since then! That’s very common.”

Deep breath. McCarthy’s book is called The Crossing for starters, and it was hardly one of his earlier works, since he’s been published since 1965, and that came out in 1994, with five books in between. But dig yourself out of that hole if you can, mate. I suppose he didn’t like The Road because there was no typical ‘love story.’ But a lot of people did die, you’d think it would be right up his street.

I think this man needs to acknowledge that he is not the second coming of Sophocles and that what he does is fluffy entertainment at best that is designed to make people cry, that he is extremely manipulative in his work and he’s about one step up from Mills & Boon but that, hey, he’s made a nice career out of it for himself. I’d find it much easier to respect him if he did. Instead, I sit here and seethe.

This screed was part of the Cannonball Read series. For some of Teabelly’s book reviews, check out her blog.









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Comments

Stabby stab stab

Posted by: TSF at April 2, 2010 8:07 AM

Surprise indeed.

Now everyone get out your voodoo dolls of Sparksyface and stick pins in them.

Posted by: Carrie (aka Teabelly) at April 2, 2010 8:18 AM

I already commented on this on your blog, but I figured I'd throw it there here, on a larger forum, as well and see what people think.

I think the fact that Sparks is fighting so vehemently against the romance author title shows some sexism. While he is perfectly happy to make money off of women (because let's be honest, how many men read his stuff?), he doesn't want to be seen as a romance writer which tends to have lots of women authors such as Nora Roberts, Danielle Steele etc. It might be good enough for those women to be romance writers, but not manly Nicholas Sparks - no, he writes love stories, which of course are so much more sophisticated.

Posted by: Jen K. at April 2, 2010 8:19 AM

Well said, teabelly!! Man, I hate Nicholas Sparks' writing to begin with, but knowing that he's this arrogant makes me want to sacrifice him on the altar of the Human Centipede.

His screams for mercy at the very sight of the Centipede would make an acceptable offering, I think.

Posted by: Jelinas at April 2, 2010 8:42 AM

I read that article too. My jaw hit the floor. I tried to read one of his books. Translated into German when I lived there. I threw it away. It is the only book I have ever actually thrown away. I really really hate his writing and his stories.

Posted by: Nimue at April 2, 2010 8:45 AM

This is a wonderful palate cleanser after yesterday's "review". I believe I've acquired enough rage just from the quotes and I'll be steering clear of the actual article. Thank you. Morning rage goes perfect with coffee. Especially after yesterday.

Posted by: Scully at April 2, 2010 8:48 AM

Thank you.

His arrogance makes sense to me now. I read The Notebook where he talks about Caspian Sterns (I think he meant "terns") and where the chick thinks something manly and melodramatic about the dude is "in his DNA." She thinks this in the 1940? 50s? Whenever the stupid book takes place. You know, before we really knew about DNA. Definitely before it was common for people to think about it in every day conversation.

Seems to me Sparks is the type of arrogance that comes from realizing he's an idiot, but still trying to hang with the cool kids.

Posted by: SBrown at April 2, 2010 8:56 AM

I'd more think it's the type of arrogance that can only come with lots and lots and LOTS of money and people turning all your books into movies.

God bless Stephen King, he too has lots and lots and LOTS of money and people keep turning his work into movies, but he seems to know and appreciate that he writes largely shlock horror and not "horror STORIES!"

Posted by: ! at April 2, 2010 9:32 AM

I didn't read the original interview but heard about some of the pompous quotes, the inflated ego and the McCarthy bashing.

In a word, it's baffling. I can understand that a guy like him has hit on a niche that works and he can ride his formulaic sap and name recognition right up the Bestseller List, hitting the Hollywood Option Multiplier on the way and laughing all the way to the bank. Hey, I'd sell out my artistic integrity in exchange for generations of financial security for my family, too. In a heartbeat. But this just doesn't make sense. Is he defensive about critics calling him on his cheap melodrama or is he really that incapable of honest self-assessment? Does he really think hoards of teen girls and housewives are gobbling up those novels because they are such great dramatic literature? Shut up and get in line behind Dan Brown and John Grisham to collect your paycheck. It will be ready whenever they finish printing all the zeros on it.

Show no mercy, Teabelly. What a jackass.

Posted by: Yossarian at April 2, 2010 9:40 AM

Oh, King stands up to the critics and defends his work from those who try to trivialize it, but he doesn't have these grand illusions that he is the greatest artist ever (and everyone else is a hack).

I was just reading this from an old interview with SK the other day:

Interviewer: The use of brand names in your novels especially seems to irk some critics.

King: I always knew people would have a problem with that. But I also knew that I was never going to stop doing it, and nobody was ever going to convince me that I was wrong to do it. Because every time I did it, what I felt inside was this little bang! like I nailed it dead square -- like Michael Jordan on a fade-away jump shot. Sometimes the brand name is the perfect word, and it will crystallize a scene for me. When Jack Torrance is pumping down that Excedrin in The Shining, you know just what that is. I always want to ask these critics -- some are novelists, some of them college literature professors -- What the fuck do you do? Open your medicine cabinet and see empty gray bottles? Do you see generic shampoo, generic aspirin? When you go to the store and you get a six-pack, does it just say BEER? When you go down and you open your garage door, what's parked in there? A car? Just a car?

And then I say to myself, I bet they do. Some of these guys, the college professors -- the guy, say, whose idea of literature really stopped with Henry James, but he'll get kind of a frozen smile on his face if you talk about Faulkner or Steinbeck -- they're stupid about American fiction and they've turned their stupidity into a virtue. They don't know who Calder Willingham was. They don't know who Sloan Wilson was. They don't know who Grace Metalious was. they don't know who any of these people are, and they're fucking proud of it. And when they open their medicine cabinet door, I think maybe they do see generic bottles, and that's a failure of observation. And I think one of the things that I'm supposed to do is to say, It's a Pepsi, OK? It's not a soda. It's a Pepsi. It's a specific thing. Say what you mean. Say what you see. Make a photograph, if you can, for the reader.

That's why Stephen King is the man, plain and simple. He won't back down from defending his stories. He won't put them on a pedestal or allow them to be kicked into the gutter. When I was just a little kid Stephen King and Roger Ebert were my first introduction to thinking about books and movies, not just reading and watching them. Their attitude toward their craft is still inspiring today.

And just to bring it back to the original topic, Sparks is a feeble and petty man who's inferiority and ego render him incapable of inspiring anyone. You buy his novels at the grocery store, filed next to the cheese.

Posted by: Yossarian at April 2, 2010 9:50 AM

Hah! Oh, Yossarian, you done it again.

Posted by: , at April 2, 2010 10:02 AM

I don't know which is more laughable, Sparks' comments or the fact that Miley Cyrus couldn't finish the book that her movie was based on. There's nothing to those books. I'm surprised A Bend in the Road even qualified for the Cannonball Read - what is it, 100 pages with large type and big margins?

Of course maybe Cyrus recognized it for the crap it is, but somehow I doubt that. Seems to me like it was too hard for her, and that's just sad.

Posted by: mswas at April 2, 2010 10:09 AM

That's an interesting point, Jen K.

I was going to defend The Notebook, because I like the nursing home story line, and those actors, but now I will not!

Posted by: ERM at April 2, 2010 10:12 AM

Nicholas Sparks is to the writing world what Thomas Kinkade is to the art world. Which is to say, he's a fuckhead.

Posted by: sheshakes at April 2, 2010 10:24 AM

a great screed. the fact that sparks includes himself in the same
sentence with cormac mccarthy might indicate that he is
eschewing his manipulative crapola for a turn at comedy.

Posted by: snake at April 2, 2010 10:36 AM

Yossarian has once again said it better than I ever could. And what a great screed, Carrie!

I read one Sparks book for my Cannonball 1, because I was desperate and had only like 5 books to go. It was something called "The Rescue" and it was atrocious. The writing wasn't that bad (I mean in comparison to say, James Patterson or Stephenie Meyer) but the story was so manipulative and cheesy that I could barely get through the entire thing.

How can he say that making his protagonist a single mom of an autistic boy isn't deliberately trying to pull at your heartstrings? He spent about 15 pages talking about how hard her life was! Then he introduced the handsome fire chief who Has a Tortured Past (because of course) and is wary of women but immediately feels sorry for the chick and they fall in love. Of course he's wonderful with the little boy. I think there's even a scene in a carnival.

And then of course he's in mortal danger in a fire or some shit because there's nothing more manipulative than trying to drive the couple apart by some forced plot contrivance. I don't even remember if the guy died, but he probably didn't because the poor little girl needed a man to take care of her.

Blergh, never again. I can't even start to watch The Notebook without feeling lactose intolerant from all the cheese.

Posted by: figgy at April 2, 2010 11:10 AM

He is right about one thing. If he sent his work to romance publishers, they would not accept it. That is a fiercely competitive market with a very demanding and dedicated readership. They demand two things he can't bring to the table: good writing, and that the couple be together and happy about that at the end of the story. Sure, there are some poorly written romances, but they tend not to get a second book. When you control 50% of the paperback market, your readers don't have to put up with shit writing.

Posted by: Reba at April 2, 2010 12:01 PM

You pretty much nailed it on the head with his writing. I always tell people you don't have to read his books, I'll just tell you the story: two people who are destined for each other fall in love, but then some big obstacle comes between them and threatens to keep them apart, they are reunited, and then they (or as you mentioned, someone close to them) dies, and they treasure the short but pure love affair they had. There, just saved you a few hours of your life.

I had never heard/read any of his comments before but that is just ridiculous. It's one thing to be delusional about your own body of work but then you go and call Cormac McCarthy crap?! Unbelievable.

Posted by: Even Stevens at April 2, 2010 12:57 PM

and by "they dies" I meant one of them dies. Whoops.

Posted by: Even Stevens at April 2, 2010 12:58 PM

Unless shmaltz is a tragic flaw, this Sparks man isn't quite the tragedian he fancies himself to be.

Posted by: chamalla at April 2, 2010 1:45 PM

@Reba - Thank-you, that is exactly what I was thinking. The only reason he has any readership is because a man who writes 'love stories' is a novelist.

Posted by: koj at April 2, 2010 4:30 PM

I am dumbfounded. I know to avoid Sparks' books, but I had no idea he was running around, disparaging McCarthy, and calling "Blood Meridian" melodramatic.

I don't even think it's fair to compare Stephen King and Nicholas Sparks as genre writers because Stephen King is still a much better writer.

Posted by: Sophia at April 2, 2010 5:10 PM

Cormac McCarthy went to my high school. Works by McCarthy on our summer reading list: zero. Works by Nicholas Sparks on our summer reading list: two. THAT'S a fucking Greek tragedy.

Posted by: Lemon Spaghetti at April 2, 2010 10:31 PM

What a fucking twat.

Posted by: dene at April 2, 2010 11:01 PM

Oh, the hypocrisy. Have the balls to say you write tripe because it makes money. There is no shame in that, working for a paycheck is the American way. Either that, or admit that you write tripe because you like to. FUCK! If you are aware enough to craft such a spurious defense, then clearly you accept the logic behind your critic’s words.

Posted by: courtney at April 3, 2010 8:55 AM

Reba is right. Romance writers/readers won't claim him. To be considered a romance, it has to adhere to strict guidelines, definitely including the Happily Ever After. I've read several reviews where the critic said, "it's got a good love story, but it's not a romance because there's no HEA."

Posted by: nutmeag at April 3, 2010 10:33 PM

I think Ebert gave the best criticism of Sparks' claims when he wrote:

"Sparks recently went on record as saying he is a greater novelist than Cormac McCarthy. This is true in the same sense that I am a better novelist than William Shakespeare. Sparks also said his novels are like Greek Tragedies. This may actually be true. I can't check it out because, tragically, no really bad Greek tragedies have survived. His story here amounts to soft porn for teenage girls, which the acting and the abilities of director Julie Anne Robinson have promoted over its pay scale. [...] To be sure, I resent the sacrilege Nicholas Sparks commits by mentioning himself in the same sentence as Cormac McCarthy. I would not even allow him to say "Hello, bookstore? This is Nicholas Sparks. Could you send over the new Cormac McCarthy novel?" He should show respect by ordering anonymously."

You can check out the piece it's from here: http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20100330/REVIEWS/100339997

Posted by: Tara at April 4, 2010 12:28 AM

Pssst - don't forget that the Sparks "review" was part of the April Fools' Day program. That shit would NEVER make it onto this site otherwise.

Posted by: Nicole at April 4, 2010 9:14 AM

Yossarian, thank you for sharing that excerpt from King's interview. He is...kind of a badass! I've always found him to be extremely likable, and he seems completely self-aware. He knows who he is and what he does and why he's rich and he doesn't pretend otherwise. Unlike Mr. Sparks.

And while I've openly disliked Sparks' books, I never took it out on him personally, because I do understand that there are those who genuinely like his stuff. But now, to see that he is trashing McCarthy's work...it's just so very very arrogant. And the way he talks about his writing makes me want to show him a twelve-year-old girl's "love story" and how there's really no difference between his and hers, except that hers is not manipulative because even a child knows that's just cheap.

Posted by: lucy at April 4, 2010 12:49 PM

Damn, Mr. Ebert, that's harsh. Good to see you still have some teeth left.

Also, I'm loving those quotes from Stephen King. He does seem completely comfortable with himself.

Posted by: Corntree at April 4, 2010 10:15 PM

Oh god. I was previously oblivious to the powertool douchbaggery of Nicholas Sparks, but now you've opened my eyes. I absolutely hate this motherfucker. Reading that article and seeing such lines as "Good stuff. That's what I write" and "No one is doing what I do." And the fact that he lists his own stupid book as his favorite tale of youth. I didn't like any of his shit before, but now I most definitely will not read or see any of it.

Posted by: Hannah at April 5, 2010 12:04 AM

I'll believe Nicholas Sparks' books have anything in common with Greek tragedies when a turtle falls from the sky and smashes his head.

Besides, for any self-respecting author, badmouthing the works of other writers is ungracious and bad form.

Posted by: Big Softie at April 5, 2010 7:56 PM

Bloated ego, over-bearing and delusional. Someone please tell him he's the male counterpart to Stephanie Meyer.

He writes the same tripe. They're like Korean-dramas or popcorn, empty satisfaction.

Posted by: tallulahc at April 11, 2010 12:58 AM

I personally think Cormac McCarthy is one of the greatest writers of our time. I just spent a semester in a class where we compared him and Hemingway and truly the similarities are staggering. I hate Nicholas Sparks to start with and he has to go off and make more of a jerk of himself? Yes. He does. I may not particularly enjoy some of McCarthy's work, but I can recognize the genius behind it. Freakin Sparks is garbage!

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