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Cannonball Read III: A Shore Thing by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

By Doctor Controversy | Posted Under Book Reviews | Comments (11)

Snooki-Book-Cover.jpg

Due to the influx of movie reviews from SXSW this week, there will be fewer CBR posts. In honor of spring break, I’m going with a beach/Florida theme this week. Here’s your first review in that theme.—TU


“There’s ‘The Truth’, and ‘The Truth!’” - Lionel Hutz, Esq.

As anyone who knows me knows, I’m into politics. It’s an obsession really, what with the election cycles, the media conflictinator, and the general fate of the American public in the balance. But one of the things I love the BEST is the Double Talk. Pushing one message whilst secretly advancing another, mostly by omissions, euphemisms, and good old fashioned lies. As such, I would ask that you, the audience, allow me to practice my Double Talk skills with this book review for A Shore Thing, written by New Jersey’s latest literary powerhouse* Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. (*Powerhouse of subpar fiction)

The Truth!:
For a first-time author, Snooki has a decent story on her hands, and she tells it as well as she can. For what we were expecting out of her, this isn’t all that bad. It’s just a tale of a couple of girls looking for fun, fashion, and fucking on the Jersey Shore, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

The Truth:
Before I get into analysis of the text, I ask that you all refer to the picture on the top left; the one that depicts the cover art. Do you know what that is? It’s the only way Snooki could get anyone to look her in the eyes, because let’s face it…she’s not playing on the same level as kindergartners much less the rest of us. If her public persona wasn’t enough of an indicator of this fact, then the “book” she’s “written” is more than ample proof. (I seriously think Valerie Frankel, her “collaborator, who helped translate [her] ideas onto the page” should be credited as a co-author, because there’s some “big” words in here I doubt Snooks would ever use.)

So the book. Funny story actually. No, I’m not saying the book is funny because it doesn’t even perform on a “so bad, it’s funny’ level. It’s actually a “so bad, it’s shitty” level of entertainment that puts the value of its entertaining factors in the negative. If you want to skip reading the book, here’s all you need to know: Take Spice World and mix it with Crossroads (The Britney Spears picture); throw it into a “Jersey Shore” rerun and bake it with a Twilight covering. That’s A Shore Thing, a book that’s written as if Peter Griffin started telling one of his bullshit stories that rips off something he saw on TV, except it goes on for 289 pages. (288 too many, if you ask me.) Don’t believe me? Here’s the main point of the book, as summarized by a paragraph of dialogue:

But, then again, who knew what made love last? It was a game of chance, luck, destiny, experience—but not too much hard work, as far as Gia could tell. How hard could it be to show the person you loved that you cared? All you had to do was smush every chance you got and treat them with kindness and respect. Easy.

Is now a good time to mention she named her fictional surrogate after one of her pets? Yeah, Gia is one of the pets that she thanks in her opening acknowledgments, and that just happens to be her fictional surrogate’s name. “Gia” and “Bella” (JWoww’s fictional surrogate) are “down the shore” for Summer vacation in order to escape the dramas of Brooklyn. In trying to avoid drama, they only create further drama and “comedy”. Throw in a couple of Trust Fund douchebags who want to bang JWo…I mean “Bella”, a couple of mean girls who are out to get Snook…erm, “Gia”, and a divorced couple thrown into the mix, and you’ve got exactly what this book is about.

It’s fitting that JWoww’s fictional surrogate is named Bella, because Snooki’s basically written Twilight for Guidettes whose attention spans are shorter than their poufs. Her main characters stumble into everything they want with minimal effort, are popular even when they’re awkward, and end up landing the “hawt juicehead gorillas” they’ve been wanting to bang…only to leave them and declare that they want to be single anyway! They build toward what you think is going to be a cookie cutter ending (by using all the other cookie cutter parts) and ultimately puss out on the ending. JUST…LIKE…TWILIGHT, except instead of one Bella (which is fucking bad enough), you get TWO! This book is so frustrating, I found myself throwing it across the room after finishing it. What’s sadder is you KNOW MTV is going to want to cash in on the fame of this midget famewhore and should “Jersey Shore” ever end, you know this is going to be the “launching pad” Snooki will inevitably try to use in order to cross over into feature films. (Basically, this’ll be the next “Jackass” franchise if we’re not careful.)

That being said, I think Snooki should write another three books in this series. Why not? She clearly has a wellspring of ideas, or has at least seen enough movies and been through enough on Jersey Shore that she could rip off some ideas. She should embrace the Twilight connection and end the series with Gia and Bella giving birth in a vat of pickles, whilst doing shots of Hornitos and Patron and listening to shitty techno…all on the dance floor at Karma! (Wardrobe by Ed Hardy.) Do it, Snooki! You won’t! I fucking dare you! NO BALLS! Sorry…I got a little wound up. Needless to say, this review has exorcised my demons and this mind is indeed clear. I’d like to close with another quote from one of the antagonists who basically sums up why people like myself hate Snooki and her “Jersey Shore” pals.

I hate you because the world is at your friggin’ feet.

At least with Snooki’s height (much like the current state of Pop Culture), it’s not that far of a fall. Thank you for this book, Snooki. If anything, it’s inspired me to read the books of your other housemates and rip them apart much more viciously than I did yours. Thank you for setting the bar so low.


For more of Doctor Controversy’s reviews, check out his blog, The Bookish Kind

This review is part of Cannonball Read III. For more information, click here.









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Comments

Giving these people any more attention -- even negative attention -- is just feeding into the problem of their existence.

Posted by: Craig at March 14, 2011 10:07 AM

Please for the love of all that is holy, please tell me you didn't buy this book, that you didn't spend actual money or barter goods or render any kind of service for it. Tell me Dustin dared you. Tell me you found it in the trah under a gnawed apple core and figured "myeh, why not". Please.

Posted by: cinekat at March 14, 2011 10:32 AM

It's interesting to observe the Snookie reactions in light of recent introspection on how we treat Sheen, Spears, and other celebrity meltdowns. I think it's pretty clear that the Jersey Shore cast in general and this girl in particular are in the early stages of what will inevitably end in misery, excessive plastic surgery, and televised celebrity rehab. We should know it's heading there, and that it will be tragic and unpleasant, but since she hasn't fallen off the cliff yet it's like we all feel like she's fair game, and we need to keep pushing.

Snookie gets a few years of jet-setting and night clubbing leading up to a precipitous fall into obscurity. When it comes it will be painful, and it is highly unlikely that she will revert back to a mode average Brooklyn lifestyle with anything resembling grace or acceptance. She's already selling self-respect for attention on a national stage. Once she has run out of relevance to peddle she will be nothing but a gaping emptiness. Really, it's just sad.

So from that vantage point, can we even enjoy mocking it? Is there even a point to ripping them apart viciously, as if it is some toll we must exact for the national exposure and tacky swag they are lavished with during their relatively brief time in the spotlight?

I don't know, consider me tired of it. I'm starting to regret writing all this because it is going to come off as being really harsh and critical of Doc Controversy, who is a great contributor here and in CBR. And I hate nasty comments on Cannonball Reviews, because it goes counter to the whole spirit of the thing.

Still, I think it's a valid point to raise and so I'm going to stand by it.

/Post Comment

Posted by: Yossarian at March 14, 2011 11:22 AM

Good Lord, what is that THING on top of her head? An egg sac? Will it suddenly burst open and release her young into the wild like some hideous wolf spider?

Some time earlier a few excerpts from this travesty were published on Pajiba. I tried to read them all the way through, but I had to stop before my brain attempted to escape.

You have my respect, sir, if you actually sat down and read this lump of offal.

Posted by: The Wanderer at March 14, 2011 12:39 PM

Strangely enough I saw a copy of this in the Primate Exhibit at the zoo. Gorillas kept tearing pages out, crumpling them into balls and flinging them at each other.

Go figure.

Posted by: bleujayone at March 14, 2011 1:12 PM

Doctor's problem is his (or her) standards weren't low enough to begin with. I read this book. I read it TO laugh at it. And the writing was so bad, I did laugh. Many, many times. Hey, I teach middle and high school kids how to write (or rather, I attempt to teach them how to write). This is a lovely what not to do example. When a kid says well, she got published, I point out she only did so after becoming a laughable, mocked character on TV and what's the use of getting published if you're only giving people more material to laugh at? Or worse, ignore.

Posted by: Snuggiepants at March 14, 2011 1:40 PM

I've never seen jersey shore, but most people that have had the chance to work with Snooki praise her professionalism and say nice things about her, so I really can't hate on her too much. She is doing what she does and people are paying her for it. And, it seems, she hasn't become an ungrateful raging girl in the process.

Posted by: stump at March 14, 2011 4:43 PM

Anyone watch WWE last night? Snookie was the guest star and she went full crazy gerbil! The girl is a pretty good sport about acting like an idiot on camera. (Though I guess you can say that about the whole of WWE.)

Also, you could not pay me enough to read this book.

Posted by: denesteak at March 15, 2011 9:41 AM

My hands will never even touch this fucking book. I may have to rip out my eyes if I ever see it in person.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at March 15, 2011 4:00 PM

Glad to read the negative review. Two issues though: Did you spend money on the book? (I sure hope not, as that would only be fueling the cash-hungry guido-monster.) Secondly, by referring to her as a "first time author," which I'm certain she did not sit down and type out this piece of shit herself, I am offended.

Posted by: Jared Smith at March 15, 2011 9:23 PM

Where is al-Qaeda when we REALLY need them ? I have a list. I refuse to participate in any activity that perpetuates the myth that the cast of jersey Shore does anything other than consume oxygen that could be used by real working people.

Posted by: Mr. Stitch at March 15, 2011 10:10 PM