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7th Heaven Book Review | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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100 Books in One Year #29: 7th Heaven by James Patterson

Cannonball Read / Brian Prisco

Book Reviews | December 3, 2008 | Comments (4)

Blech. I quit you, Jimbo.

I’m done with this fucking series. I hurl it to the pile currently occupied by Laurell K. Hamilton’s odious Anita Blake wereporn. The Women’s Murder Club went from gritty thriller to “CSI: Sex in the City.” It stopped being about the murders and started being about this panel of “View” rejects and the occasional crime story spackled in between “mmhmms” and “girl you go!”s. Honestly, the four protagonists are a blonde reporter, a brunette homicide detective, a black coronor, and — added after the books stopped taking risks by offing members of the murder club — a district attorney that’s both Asian and Italian.

The love angles are atrocious, the relationships are pitiful, and they’ve begun to make the murders look weak by comparison. It’s become stale and repetitive and WHY AM I WASTING YOUR TIME WITH THIS?

You all know better than this. I feel like Morgan Spurlock. You mean eating McDonalds for 30 Days can be bad for you? Who fucking knew? EVERYONE. Except stupid people. Who deserve to die.

Stop writing these fucking books, Jim. Stop with the Nicholas Sparks rip-offs, and the weird Christian sci-fi action stories for kids with the goddamn angels. STOP. Or we’ll send the baggin’ wagon around to Dean Koontz your ass back to one novel every couple of years. It worked for Stephen King. He’s apparently back on his game after the accident.

Rev the murdertank. We’ve got a novel to help.

This review is part of the Cannonball Read series. Details are here and the growing number of participants and their blogs are here.


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Comments

Similarly, a friend of mine just read Twilight so he could provide examples when arguing with fangirls about it. His spirit was crushed after reading it.

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at December 3, 2008 8:20 AM

Maximum Ride is not "Christian sci-fi action". They aren't angels. Just genetic freaks. It's pretty Twilighty as far as the perfect love interest/ emo kids thing goes but at least it doesn't ruin any existing lore. 'Course, I say this having read one of them. Maybe it took a sudden turn for the preachy? I cannot be the only Pajiban who has read this series.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at December 3, 2008 9:35 AM

Okay, so semi-unrelated but when I was a teenager, I thought that the show's name, 7th Heaven, was in regard to their being seven family members (I had no idea that it was a turn of phrase!) so when the mom had twins I was like, "Whoa. Mom. What are they going to do? call it 9th Heaven now?"


Yeah. I got laughed at for a while.

Posted by: Annie_Reckson at December 3, 2008 11:31 AM

Those are moments of your life that you will never get back, friend.

Posted by: Nicole at December 3, 2008 1:45 PM





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