Biology and the Prejudices of Others Conspired to Keep Us Childless
The Box Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
10. Juno: I drove four-hours round-trip to see a free screening Juno last week, got lost, spent a small fortune on gas, and had one of the worst sandwiches of my life at a coffee shop in fucking Rochester, NY. But you know what? It was totally worth it. It’s going wider tomorrow, so it may hit your town; and if not, it’ll be everywhere by the 4th. It absolutely lives up to both the hype and Dan’s brilliant review. At nearly $11,184, it also continues to have the best theater per average amongst all releases, beating the vanity release of Jessica Simpson’s Blonde Ambition by about $11,020 per screen. Weekend: $3.4 million; Total: $6.3 million (Blonde Ambition Total: $1,300!).
9. The Golden Compass: I expanded the box-office round-up to ten this week, just for you Golden Compass. Enjoy; it’s the last we’ll speak of you again. Weekend: $4 million; Total: $48 million.
8. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story: I wonder if being named number one on Entertainment Weekly’s Smartest People in Hollywood is like being on the cover of Madden? Cause, man: Judd Apatow got the rear-end, lubricant-free jinx. I think that Walk Hard is that movie everyone thought would do really well, but that no one actually wanted to see. Indeed, my Apatow credentials are pretty well known, but I just had no interest. None. I guess the Apatow backlash now begins:
Oh, and a note to a couple of our Walk Hard commenters over the weekend: We don’t like to censor here (and we rarely delete comments), but rape jokes are off limits. I hope to God that’s not an invitation for some of you — you don’t want us to sic B-Slim on you. He will eat you alive — trust me. I’m missing half an ass cheek. $4.1 million.
7. Enchanted: Oh, hi. You’re still here? Weekend: $4.1 million; Total: $99 million.
6. P.S. I Love You: I’m not going to bother with the transgender joke here; it’s too easy. But, c’mon: Who came up with the brilliant idea to make Hilary Swank the lead in a romantic comedy? It’s like asking Michael Cera to take over the Bourne franchise, or Anthony Hopkins to do a gross-out comedy. And believe it or not, Swank’s next flick is another comedy, Birds of America (which I’m guessing is an adaptation of Lorrie Moore’s short story) alongside Mathew Perry, Lauren Graham, and Ginnifer Goodwin. It debuts at Sundance in less than a month. Get excited. Total: $6.5 million.
5. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street: We will have John’s review of Sweeney Todd up in a couple of hours. I also saw it over the weekend, but I’ll let JMW do the talking, except to note: It’s exactly what I expected. Likewise, its box-office gross was within expectations, too. Total: $9.35.
4. Charlie Wilson’s War: The film did a lot better than my now excised Star Wars theory on American foreign policy did, which I’m pleased to note (those midnight screenings inspire the occasionally loopy train of thought). Charlie is a great film, and a modest $10 million opening will likely balloon; this thing is sticking around for the entirety of awards season. Sometimes, it’s nice to put an assortment of veteran talent together (Tom Hanks, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Mike Nichols, Aaron Sorkin) and churn out a solid, pretense-free, entertaining flick for adults. It’s like a Springsteen or R.E.M. album — they haven’t been your favorites for a decade, but they can still work a number on you. Indeed, if you have to see one film over the Christmas break, see Juno. But if you want to see two, check out Charlie Wilson (assuming you haven’t already seen No Country for Old Men). Total: $10 million.
3. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Alviiiiiiiiiin! Fuck off. Weekend: $29 million; Total: $85 million.
2. I Am Legend: Great film. Great Will Smith performance. But a week later, that ending still smarts. Weekend: $34 million; Total: $137 million.
1. National Treasure: Book of Secrets: It’s Christmas Eve, so I’m going to lay off of Nic Cage today. It just doesn’t seem worth it — if TK is around, maybe he’ll do the honors. I haven’t seen the movie; I didn’t see the first one. And, by most accounts, even those who hate both Nic Cage and the premise behind this film have been pleasantly surprised by the actual movie (as Phillip’s review suggested). I have no intention of testing that theory, however, because I’d rather tie off a testicle with a piece of sewing thread than suffer the excruciating confluence of Cage, Jon Turtletaub, and unholy historical accuracies. But, that’s just me. Total: $45 million.
There are a few DVD releases this week, but only one is worth the look see: Eastern Promises, featuring Viggo’s ass. Otherwise, Brothers Solomon has already arrived on DVD shelves (wasn’t it just releases a couple of months ago?), and Rush Hour 3 arrives on the 26th, during the midst of those post-Christmas sales. Avoid it.
As for us: We’re taking it easy through New Years. Expect reviews of all the major Christmas Day releases, which we’ll post throughout the week. And Litely may pop in occasional with a Pajiba Love. Otherwise, we’re going to watch a lot of films we don’t have to write about, kill some old people, recharge, and come back in January 2008 with our end-of-year lists, our Second Annual (Sh)It List, Sundance Coverage, another Classics Week, and a new feature or two for 2008. I’d express my (immense) gratitude for your patronage in 2007, but that is neither scathing nor bitchy. So, I’ll just leave you with this gift for the holidays. You can thank me later:
(p.s. Have you voted for our sister site, QuizLaw yet? It’s neck and neck, and if we can’t pull out a victory, a robot uprising is all but inevitable.)
My two front Pajibas | | Pajiba Love 12/14/07 |
Comments
Four hours to watch Juno? Bad sammiches? You got screwed my friend.
Agreed on the "r" thing with no further comment.
And let me pajibize what went wrong with Golden Compass in two words:
Nicole Kidman, aka Movie Ruiner, aka Box Office Sinkhole, aka The Botox Killah.
Cast her at your peril.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 24, 2007 9:02 AM
Happy etc.
Top link is borked, you've got to get in via the comments section.
Posted by: nevin at December 24, 2007 9:02 AM
Another Classics Week?! I loved the first one!
Wheeee! Classics Week!
::snoopy dance::
A reason not to commit suicide over the holidays!
Posted by: Jerce at December 24, 2007 9:07 AM
Thanks, Dustin. I love the snark, I love the attitude, I love crusty crudity and the overuse of hyperbole. But I appreciate not having to read jokes about rape on this site.
And I cannot believe National Treasure was #1 at the box office! Or *sticks fingers in ears* la la la la laaa...maybe I'd just prefer not to believe.
Posted by: Gamma at December 24, 2007 9:29 AM
I'm glad you took a stand about those comments. After reading the posts to Walk Hard, I thought to myself that the commenters are ruining the site and would seriously make me consider not visiting anymore. Thank you for salvaging the situation!
Posted by: staylor at December 24, 2007 9:34 AM
That movie clip was sadistic. Merry Christmas indeed.
"Sweeny Todd" was a hell of a lot of fun. It met my (high) expectations and I'm looking forward to seeing it again. The kids have been begging to see "National Treasure" so I'll probably be taking that in this week. Only because I don't want to be "that guy" and take my 7 year old to "I Am Legend" despite the pleas of my 11 year old.
Merry Christmas everybody!
Posted by: Rob at December 24, 2007 9:39 AM
Scathing and bitchy...but Holiday like...
Merry Christmas shitbags????
Nah! Merry Christmas everybody. Happy Holidays! Happy New Year! (and even though I'm late) Happy Hannukah!
*disclaimer* All other holidays recognized during this time of year are pure nonsense and you are all godless, faithless heathens! Mongrels! Your Penance - See National Treasure 2, 3 times prior to the new year, and sit through the BRUTAL tailors they showed before Sweeney Todd because, with exception of Vantage Point, I felt like I needed to run away.
On a Sweeney Todd note...that movie was great. (But I'm a total fanboy for Burton/Depp combos) i just can't get the taste of all the dumb ass trailors out of my mouth. Someone at Universal decided that Sweeney Todd must be the ultimate chick flick because I got to see a trailer for the terrible, ABBA-tracked Momma Mia, a horrible breakdancing movie trailor (you know the story...rebel chick, classicly trained has to take it back to da street), and some other total shit, then 1 with potential with Forrest Whitaker...but at this point i was rocking back and forth in my chair hoping these trailers weren't indicative of what i was about to see...
But yeah...merry chrsitmas to all.
Posted by: PissBoy at December 24, 2007 10:07 AM
Oh my god. That Judd Apatow video made me laugh so hard, I wheezed. Run, Darryl!
I must've missed the first Mama Mia trailer, Pissboy. And I'm so glad I did. That Step Up 2 looks terrible.. and the first few seasons of The Ruins, I leaned over to my friend and went "Hey. Look, a bunch of pretty teenagers going somewhere. They're probably going to have sex, and oh look - on a mayan temple, no doubt."
"Yep. All gonna die."
"Oh, yeah."
But I -loved- Sweeney Todd. I'm a musical whore, so I can't help it.
Posted by: Mara at December 24, 2007 10:27 AM
Merry X-mas Pajimites, may death come swiftly to all your enemies.
*fist on heart*
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 24, 2007 10:33 AM
Thanks a lot for that clip, you jerk. Now I'm in a completely foul mood for Christmas Eve. I'll have to put It's a Wonderful Life in early now...
Posted by: HallsyHatesU at December 24, 2007 11:01 AM
B.Slim...I must quote the late, great Slim Pickens when i say "...you use your tongue purdier than a 20 dollar whore." That is the best way i have seen to say Merry Christmas all year long and warmed my insides better than this lil nipper of 12 yr old Jameson i brought with me to work today.
Posted by: PissBoy at December 24, 2007 11:12 AM
[steps up to plate, kicks dirt off cleats]
Fuck Nic Cage and his worthless book of secrets. Just watching the trailers makes me want to start a riot.
Please, Nicolas, learn to speak in a normal cadence.
Posted by: TK at December 24, 2007 12:58 PM
If ever there was a movie calling for a real time review it is The Hottie and The Nottie
It should be done as a roundatable discussion between all of the Pajiba Staff
Posted by: Brian at December 24, 2007 2:10 PM
Check out my name. I didn't think anything could be as self-consciously indie as Rocket Summer... but I was wrong. When will people learn that movies like that are as cookie-cutter and predictable as the latest Michael Bay tripe? And why did I know all the reviewers on the site would pop a boner for it?
Posted by: Juno Was Overrated at December 24, 2007 2:12 PM
re: Charlie Wilson's War, you mean "assuming you have already seen No Country for Old Men," right? As in, Charlie is entertaining, but it's no NCOM?
Posted by: KRK at December 24, 2007 3:36 PM
I think that after springing that trailer on us Dustin's penance must be a real time review of The Hottie and The Nottie. Ugh, that will leave a bad taste in my mouth for the day.
I'll miss you guys this week, with your limited coverage. Enjoy your holidays!
Posted by: katy at December 24, 2007 4:39 PM
For the love of sweet, baby Jesus, why did you assault us with that trailer? Scathing and bitchy I know - it is why I come here - but that was just cruel. Slaughtering kittens and puppies type of cruel - and on Christmas Eve no less. It's like saying, "Merry Christmas, motherf*ckers. See you in Hell!".
Wrong. Very wrong indeed.
Oh well, Merry Christmas, everyone. And may your new year be free of skanky socialites who have the staying power of a herpes virus.
Posted by: jen310 at December 24, 2007 4:42 PM
I don't care what the movie's premise wants me to think, I would rather date the chick with warts and whiskers and toenails falling off, and whatever the hell else, then even TALK to Paris Hilton. I would marry her (cause in Canada I could), and get a sperm donor and have kids....whatever would keep me the fuck away from the MegaSkank.
Sidenote: Why do I get the feeling that someone really loved Stephen Lynch's song "She Gotta Smile", and they decided to maske an entire movie out of it? (and I love Stephen Lynch more than normal, but come on!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkL1N19XXG4
Posted by: kdm at December 24, 2007 5:24 PM
I don't care what the movie's premise wants me to think, I would rather date the chick with warts and whiskers and toenails falling off, and whatever the hell else, then even TALK to Paris Hilton. I would marry her (cause in Canada I could), and get a sperm donor and have kids....whatever would keep me the fuck away from the MegaSkank.
Sidenote: Why do I get the feeling that someone really loved Stephen Lynch's song "She Gotta Smile", and they decided to maske an entire movie out of it? (and I love Stephen Lynch more than normal, but come on!)
www.youtube.com/watchv=ZkL1N19XXG4
Posted by: kdm at December 24, 2007 5:25 PM
So how long do we have to wait for the real time review of Blonde Ambition?
What?
Posted by: greer at December 24, 2007 6:11 PM
After seeing that trailer (especially that toenail in the mouth, eeeeesh), someone owes me a new keyboard. The vomit that seeped under the spacebar is not coming out as well as I'd like.
Juno, Sweeney, and Charlie all look like a good time.
Merry fucking Christmas; drink eggnog and eat some beef
and pass it to the missus ...
Posted by: Chaz at December 25, 2007 4:20 AM
Since it is Christmas, I managed to find one good thing about that trailer:
At least they went a lot further to make the girl "ugly" than just sticking her in glasses and a brunette ponytail. Of course, this was mostly to make Hilton look remotely palatable, but still, they tried harder than most.
Oh and one more thing: they didn't show a makeover scene. Not that I believe there isn't one, just that they held something back.
Posted by: Vermillion at December 25, 2007 8:28 AM
Aw, TK, don't sell yourself short. It takes much less than viewing a Nic Cage movie to provoke a Boston fan into rioting.
Merry Christmas Pajibans! All the best in 2008!
Posted by: Kolby at December 25, 2007 10:37 PM
Kolby - that comment made me start a riot. Thanks a lot.
Hey-O!
Hope y'all had a Merry Merry and all that shit.
Posted by: TK at December 26, 2007 8:46 AM
