Pajiba

My condolences D....but let's focus on me. On the more positive note, I did watch Bubba Ho-Tep last night thanks to the obviously divinely inspired concept of Netflix. I'll never look at bedpans, the onset of sinility, or Bruce Campbell the same. That was a great flick.

It'd break my heart, if it hadn't stopped beating halfway through the film.

I love this review.

Oh Dustin! I have worshipped you from afar for your wonderful reviews for quite a while now. How could you ruin it all by dissing REAL football? This film looks like the absolute pits and you have the nerve to compare it to 90 riveting minutes of soccer. Have you ever actually watched a real game? May I suggest you get a copy of last year's FA Cup Final (West Ham v. Liverpool)?. I'll be waiting for my apology. You know where to find me. Folds arms, purses lips disapprovingly and taps right foot while waiting!

Before any footie hater posts to comment on my punctuation above, it's a typo. I'm literate, thanks very much.

I used to drive an Escort and let me tell you, it's not dull. I once had the hood flip up on me at 1:30 in the morning while I was driving south from Seattle on I-5. Shitty and terrifying? Yes. Dull? Not a bit.

Paddy, I thought of the 2005 Champions League final when I read Dustin's insult on soccer. 'twas pure magic.

I was going to make a comment on The Wedding Date, because I know I've seen it, but it must have been every bit as mind-numbing as you say because I don't remember anything about it.

I've been meaning to watch Bubba Ho-Tep for quite some time now. I really should get around to that...

Haha,this looked terrible. I'm so glad you compared it to "The Wedding Date" because that's what I compare all the stupid,trite,what-girl-sees-this-and-actually-enjoys-and/or-belives-it -really? crap. And THIS looked like a winner.

HOLY CRAP, DUSTIN!!!!!

This review should be archived in my favourites as it made me laugh out loud (hate the lol) more than once and could be used as a go-to when feeling down. The movie was worth being made if only for this howl of a f*ing review.
Thanks for making my night.

SOCCER IS BORING????? You don't know what you're talking about, Dustin. BASEBALL is fucking boring. Real football is one of the most exciting sports in the world. And being a fan in the stands is the best part! Especially when a riot breaks out...

Ok "you're smoking crack" I know how it is to be very passionate about something close to your heart. And I agree about baseball. But honestly, pro soccer/football is really NOT that exciting. Sorry. Completely unbiased view. Love sports, love action.... not enough satisfaction (goals) in soccer.

Sorry. But YOU love it -- so who cares???

Sigh. Not that I'm surprised, but it's still somewhat depressing to have my namesake as a character in such a sucky film.

Even the trailers for this movie were awful. Thanks for taking another for the team, Dustin!

real football is the NFL. And yes i am an intellectual liberal eurosnob who watches nothing but indie flicks and despises pop. But the NFL is my achilles heel. There is no more passion or drama in any other sport. So quit trying to sell us your Beckenshire vs. North Wickstenwick playoff of 1998 crap. If we wanted your "foot ball" we wouldn't have gone and made it something worth watching.

PS. The superbowl is worthless, so don't even bother going there with me- i'll just agree.

You know, I thought this was a Lifetime movie when I saw the first part of the commercial for it. It looked just as lame and boring.

But what a great review :)

I'm imagining Gilbert Gottfried just walking into the frame of many a H-wood rom/com and screaming, "I'm freezing my nuts off!" I imagining how it would improve many of them. Now, I'm imagining it during other films. C'mon, Children of Men is a great flick, but wouldn't Gilbert's walk-on shake things up nicely? What about Last King of Scotland? Wouldn't it add something to The Departed?

Well, maybe not.

You know that part in 28 Days Later where Serena talks about they will never get to see another movie that hasn't already been made, or hear a song that hasn't already been recorded? That's how I feel about Diane Keaton. Is she ever going to be in anything worth seeing again?

I blame Paul Haggis.

I may be opening myself up for a flame-fest, but does soccer have moments like The Catch, The Drive, Wide Right (Super Bowl XXV), The Play, etc. Yes, 90 minutes of soccer can be exciting, but I find even more so to watch a man go 98 yards in less than 2 minutes to set up the game-clinching touchdown.

"Once I saw that static cling, I wanted to be the force around you."

..seriously? seriously?!?

Why yes, Football does have those moments! The Hand of God is just one of them, but never mention that to an England fan, or they will punch you... Also, my team (Newcastle United) regularly lose games in the last 3 minutes of a match, so believe me, I know all about the glory of last-minute goals. :( If you're still not convinced, just have a look at Thierry Henry, Ronaldinho, Alan Shearer, Wayne Rooney or Shay Given on Youtube. And rugby is miles better than this American football nonsense also. Jonah Lomu anyone?

Thanks for the great review Dustin! When the trailer for this came out, it was pretty apparent that is was going to be soul-crushingly dull and formulaic. Thanks for watching it so I didn't have to!

You spoil us Dustin. What a great movie. I'm glad u enjoyed it.

Sarcastic? Natch?

Just a little correction-- The Wedding Date came out in 2005, not 2006. Never saw it, but I remember reading all the bad reviews, and I remember that my ex saw it and liked it.

Paddy, you took the words out of my mouth (Dustin appreciation included).

...not enough satisfaction (goals) in soccer.
Ahhh, that wonderful American mentality. If it can't be measured in numbers, it's not satisfying.

As someone who has played both kinds of football, this "which one is better" is teh stoopid. The sports have no real points of comparison. As Al McGuire once said (in reference to soccer/basketball), "Why bother? One calls for hand/eye coordination, one calls for hand/foot. You can't get much different than that."

But wouldn't Gilbert Gottfried wandering into a Newcastle United game screaming, "I'm freezing my nuts off!" be outstanding?

Seriously i just couldn't sit through all of the "my football is less boring then your football" comments without taking issue with your Lost jab. [fanboyism] Seriously, it may not be as great as season one, but nowhere near as dull as something like Dane Cook or, apparently, this movie. [/fanboyism]

I had forgotten about the Hand of God, thank you for the refresher. And let us not start with rugby. It is, hands down, the most hardcore sport on the planet. And unlike some people, the scoring (or lack thereof) is not my main draw. I'm in it for the crunching of bone and sinew, the circus catches, the dramatic last minute drives (goddamn you to hell John Elway!!!!). That is what draws me to this game. Especially the hits, though. As Jack Lambert of the famed Steelers Steel Curtain defense once said: "I'd like to think that some of my best hits bordered on felonius assault." How can you argue with that?

Claire: Oh the love I have for you right now for mentioning Shay Given!

As for no excitement in soccer. God, I'm so sick of the "not enough goals" whine from this side of the pond. For the sake of my marriage, I have tried so often to watch NFL (and will be doing so tomorrow again since Mr. PaddyDog is a die hard Bears fan). It stops, it starts, then there's a time out, then there's another stop, then a player who sits around all day comes on the pitch to take one kick and leaves again. How about the excitement of watching 22 athletes in their prime going non stop 45 minutes each side, executing each kick superbly, taking a ball out of the air and controlling it perfectly using only knees and feet, and having to be all-rounders because there's no bringing some diva in off the side lines to take a set piece for them. Oh and if you've ever been to a real game, you'll understand why we don't need Janet Jackson's nipple to entertain us at half time because the sheer adrenaline of being in the stands (thank you up-thread poster) is a rush that everyone should experience.
No doubt someone will post that this is supposed to be about the movie review and take our sports battle elsewhere, blah, blah, blah, but I say Dustin admitted the soccer argument into the thread and since we all seem to agree that the movie is a stinking pile, why not use this thread to defend the beautiful game!

Well, American soccer does suck. It's not like I am endorsing England's soccer players. The Brits don't have it that well, either. They co-opt the rest of the world's soccer athletes and over pay them, just like Americans do. I really don't understand why English people have this thing about America v. Britain. Fuck 'tards, whatever their nationality. There are better places in every country everywhere. It's usually the people in the immediate room that make the difference.

Apocalipstick, Paddydog, let's get together, get drunk and watch Newcastle United and Shay Given. Good to know that I'm not the only person in America to know who that guy is! Jackseppelin, American soccer DOES suck, which is why I only watch the English Premier League. Maybe that's why so many Americans think it's dull; they haven't seen the good stuff!

ScarletKnight, I played rugby for a while, but got tired of having my head stepped on, so I quit. Still love to watch it though!

Completely unrelated to the film, but a 22-year-old is considered a spinster by her mother?

That's obscene.

How many films can we have with DK getting her groove on as an 80 year old? It was almost kind of funny once, when she popped out nude in that remake of every other romantic comedy with young and old people and neo. But seriously, same woman, same character, every time. She is turning into the John Cusack of old chicks.

And thank god someone else is wondering why Dane Cook is allowed to hold a microphone beyond karaoke. Let's just combine them and call them Dane Keaton.

God i hate hollywood.

Jackseppelin: Why assume the people involved in this debate are either English or American? I'm neither.
But since you asked, I'd hazard a guess that the reason why English people have "this thing about England v. USA" is because of a little thing called HISTORY! Try it some time, you'll learn a lot.

Claire: Name the place and the appropriate Shay Given-worshipping attire and I'm there. And keep your fingers crossed for Shay on Wednesday when he dons the green jersey in attempt to keep Rep. Ireland in the Euro 2008. If they lose this one, it may be the last chance for Shay to get some international recognition.

Mandy moore bothers me so much.
Mediocre singer.
Mediocre dancer.
Even worse actress. You know the part in the trailer where Moore says : "I AM ASKING FOR IT!!"
Its so obnonxiously bad and overracted.
ew.

as one of those girls who's just not that into sports, I was surprised at my immediate must-post reaction to Dustin's classification of soccer as boring. as someone previously said, the way they handle (footle isn't a word but should become one) the ball is amazing.
last NFL football game I was forced to watch, no touchdowns were scored. one team kept coming short and kicking it for a field goal, then the next, and so on. the best thing that could've happened to that game was someone messing up and NOT scoring on the kick.
and girls, thanks for introducing me to shay given, though my appreciation has nothing to do with his goalkeeping talents.

I find it hilarious that not only does this movie not have one defender of it's quality, but that is it so uninteresting that the comments were so easily turned by three words. As if the space was going to waste and it had to be filled with some sort of posting battle, but the film itself wasn't worth the trouble.

Also, as a complete sports ignorer (meaning I don't go out of my way to hate or pay attention to them), the only thing that got me about the soccer vs. American football debate was how the hell the names changed.

I mean, if you really think about it, soccer does deserve the 'football' moniker more than our football does. Honestly, what exactly about football, besides the fact that people don't like to change things they are used to, warrants the name 'football'? Feet are rarely involved in any interaction with the ball. I brought this up with a friend, and he honestly tried to convince me that the 'foot' part had to do with measurements. But the only measurements I see counted are yards and inches.

I really would like to know how this happened. If anyone could please take the tiem to explain, I would be most obliged.

Buttercup, you're welcome! And Paddydog, the first time I saw Shay play was in the Ireland/Spain match-World Cup 2002. That was the most riveting, exciting match in any sport I had ever seen, hands down. Spain played with such gorgeous, languid ease, and Ireland fought with so much heart. And better yet, it's where I discovered Shay AND Ilker Casillas. Not only are they both absolutely phenominal players, but they're both wildly foxy as well. I didn't know where to look!

Finally, someone who sees soccer for what it really is, the dullest sport (and I use the word loosely) in the world. Olympic diving competitions are more riveting. Is it any wonder that America had to hijack the name football, a title obviously too manly for anyone involved with soccer, and apply it to the greatest sport ever conceived by man. The gods were humbled when we created American Football.

I don't even understand why this sport is popular here, we have Baseball in the Summer, Football in the fall/Winter, and Basketball in the spring. It's the trifecta, what more do you need? The only reason I can come up with is that a lot of women seem to have this thing about scruffy European men in shorts. Don't believe me, read the above posts.

GO COLTS!!!

Yea, Dustin!!! Soccer is sooo freaking boring. Living in Europe and being forced to watch the GOD awful sport, I would rather watch paint dry on TV then another soccer match.

Dinka,

Agreed. I tried to be open-minded, but I just can't get there. Granted, compared to the other singers of that late-nineties era, she's making out like a bandit. But I guess my rusted little heart doesn't think the cloying 'Please love me because I'm really earnest, and not a trashbag' routine is quite enough. The '..asking for it!' line is a bit more than I can take.

That said, I did enjoy the 'Sexy Marriage Land Song' she sang as Tabitha.

I loved playing soccer growing up. I think it might be one of the most fun sports to play. But holy sh*t is it boring to watch. No matter how hard our British friends try to blame the lack of American interest in soccer as some cultural defect on our part, the truth is it is just a really really boring sport to watch in comparision to the alternatives in America (see NHL, NBA and NFL). Soccer would be my first choice as a sport to play but my last choice as one to watch.

Elle,

You raise a good point. Most people watch sports on TV. When people complain that baseball is boring, it usually turns out (IME) that they don't attend games live, and baseball on TV can be dull. I've always said that if I had the talent to be a guaranteed star in any sport, it would be baseball. You're outside, the money's good (and guaranteed), and you can retire and live a reasonably healthy, normal life. It's a lovely game to play, and to watch live, but the atmosphere at a ball park is such a huge part of the experience, just as in soccer, and TV cannot transmit that.

What got me into watching soccer was being in the Netherlands for the World Cup this past summer--I'd never understood before, but I think some of the most fun times I've ever had were camped out in an "Irish" pub in Eindhoven, drinking beers and cheering on Italy. The enthusiasm is infectious, and when the Italians won I ended up parading through the streets, dancing, cheering and singing in Italian with a large group of expats.

Comparing it to Wedding Date says a lot. I saw the awful Wedding Date, while on a date. I wanted to see Hotel Rwanda that night, she wanted to see Wedding Date. We comprimised and saw Wedding Date. I didn't speak to her again for six months.

Don't think I've seen a moview with her since.

Ooofff, it was bad. She loved it, and has probably already seen "Because I said so..."

Rugby League, now there's a game for real men.

Completely unrelated to the film, but a 22-year-old is considered a spinster by her mother?

That's obscene.

@M: your comment's actually more related to the film than the majority on this page.
This fictious US-women obsession with marriage ruined nearly every romcom in cinema history.

recently I picked up a copy of Love and Death on dvd. I had forgotten just how funny and pretty Diane Keaton was in that movie. It's kinda sad that Keaton keeps showing up in fluff like this. Is there a female actor around these days that can come close to her at her prime?

Oh, and soccer rules. I love going to DC United games and that comes from someone who usually despises sports.

I had the misfortune of seeing this over the weekend. Dustin couldn't be more right. This was the dullest waste of my time in years. Ugh. And I like Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore, too. I wanted to like it, even wanted to be slightly amused, but it was not meant to be.

Terrible waste of talents.

God, enough with all the soccer defenders already. If America decides that soccer is boring, then it's boring. That's that. There's a reason why we rule the world and set the standard in sports, film, politics, etc. Just look at all the examples of world famous US athletes, interesting quality films like the one just reviewed, and intelligent forward thinking leaders (Dubya, anyone?) that grace our presence here everyday.

Seriously. Why do you guys hate America? I almost think you want the terrorists to win.

Completely unrelated to the film, but a 22-year-old is considered a spinster by her mother?

That's obscene.

@M: your comment's actually more related to the film than the majority on this page.
This fictious US-women obsession with marriage ruined nearly every romcom in cinema history.
--Jeff K--

Actually, that's not entirely true. At 22, I am asked by friends and relatives (most fairly conservative Christians) when I'm going to "find someone." Seriously?? I'm just getting started in life. And that's one of the biggest problems I have with romcoms, this pressure to find "the one." It can't be done in 105 minutes.

Just another reason why I won't be watching this movie.

Oh, and for all you futbol fans: WE GET IT. The only divinely approved sport is soccer, it's the real football, the NFL is lame, etc. Stop condemning us for our American boorishness, especially after the Italy riots this weekend.

it'd break my heart, if it hadn't stopped beating halfway through the film

You have a heart?! Naaawwww, quit teasing us. Anyone with a heart could never write the fabulously scathing reviews that this site is so well known for.

I, for one, have never been enamored with Diane Keaton. Her stupid, big ass belts and attempts to hide a turkey neck with equally big ass pearls and scarves is the dried cherry on top of a melted sundae of vapid acting. I'm in a mood.

40 Days and 40 Nights!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH grrr. hate! hate! Sexual violence is not funny, most especially when it happens to a drugged and restrained individual even, or especially if, it is a male victim. And that he needed to be restrained to prevent touching his willy! I refuse to watch anything with Josh Hartnett in it for making that horrific piece of crap. Nice to see that the filmakers who show some obvious signs of brain damage - I would guess huffing paint fumes in their parents' basements for the last three decades - continue to make the quality films that will eventually get them an Oscar nomination. I hate Hollywood.

I don't have anything to contribute to the football/soccer discussion, as my mind is still curious about how the dad from SEVENTH HEAVEN!!! did in the movie. Who cast him as the one to give Diane her 65-year old's first orgasm? He's not sexy even for an old man! Ewww. I'm so disgusted right now. Bleh. The least they could have done was get someone old like Harrison Ford. At least he was sexy in Indian Jones!

*IndianA Jones ;-)

For all you seppos and poms, four words: Australian fu*king Rules Football. No greater spectator game in the world; too bad it'll never get off our island...

And soccer is good, and rugby is good, and NFL is good, but they're just not fu*king footy, mate.

Sadly, I will see this movie.
Alright, I'll rent it or purchase a cheap previously viewed copy.
I'm not proud of myself. I can't help being a chick flick addict.
If it helps, I'll probably make fun of it the whole time.

Oh Mandy, why do you keep letting me down?!

lately Diane's been making movies that make me want to gouge my eyes out...i sure miss those Annie Hall days of hers, she was brilliantly neurotic and so adorable then!

3 thoughts:
(1) Diane Keaton recently said she was "just happy to be working at her age." Apparently home girl does not really stress about the QUALITY of the work, which is sad because she really is a great talent and still pretty hot.

(2) I love it when parents pressure their 22 year olds to marry. Because of course one's self-worth is solely defined by one's marital status.

(3) I adore both english and american football. What does this say about me? Go Chelsea and Hook Em Horns.

It wasn't Gilbert screaming "I'm freezing my nuts off" in our theater - it was me. There was literally no heat in our theater when we saw it. Also, Keaton's inane gag with the adult website brings up one of the most intriguing mysteries in Hollywood: Why don't movie computers come with a MOUSE?? Who for God's sake attempts to shut down browser windows with KEYSTROKES for crying out loud??!!??

Tom, I close browser windows with keys more often then I use the mouse or touchpad.

"The Wedding Date" and "Because" were made by the same production company. What a coincedence.

your review is amusing, but you're wrong and you can suck it.

First Jane Fonda in that J-Lo flick, and now this.

Honestly, Diana, how many scarves and chokers do you need?

This is an amazing review. Sheer poetry. I know that I'll end up sick at home and order this worthless tripe on demand, but like NCL up there, I like to think I'll be rolling my eyes the whole time.

Also I'm an american woman and have grown up watching and loving soccer (Tacoma Stars anyone?). And anyone who thinks that soccer player aren't manly - see headbutting and Zidane. Headbutting!

a) in response to poster #1, yes Bubba Ho-Tep does rule.

b) soccer does rule, as well.

I'd also like to add the DK line from the trailer ("You look like you're asking for it") into the mix for your consideration. Outdated? Yup. Misogynistic? Yup. Disappointing to hear coming from the mouth of a woman like DK? Yup. Perhaps her character is supposed to be an obnoxious, out-of-touch mother who has nothing but misguided goals for her daughters, but I still don't like it. She doesn't deserve an orgasm. Of course, if it is with the dad from 7th Heaven, maybe it is her punishment, rather than reward. Icko.
Actually, I know someone who worked with him and she said he was an insufferable pervert.

I didn't like this movie at all, not even a little bit. It was just as dull as Dustin said it was, and you can bet that I was yawning through the entire movie. I couldn't bring myself to laugh, because I didn't see anything funny about it - nothing. Like Dustin, I pretty much yawned through the entire thing. Heck, I even yawned through the part where Daphne had her first orgasm - how bad is that? (I have to agree with JKo that I would rather see Harrison Ford as the dad giving it to Daphne, because even though he's an old fart he's still freaking hot as hell!)

I love Diane Keaton, and it really does hurt to see her in such a boring piece of fluff like this. With an actress of her caliber, I think in some ways she should be worried about the projects that she decides to do.

Like all other performances, Mandy's performance in this movie was lukewarm. I really want to like her, but I just can't.

In a way, this movie reminds me of Must Love Dogs(another terrible movie), except it's the mother posting the ad for the daughter, instead of the woman herself posting the ad. I for one am not in the mood for a re-hashing of Must Love Dogs...

OK, I made the mistake of taking my 13 year-old daughter and her friend to this "movie." It is PG13 and I am apparently too literal. The good news was they were both confused and had no idea was an orgasm was and thought the movie was weird. "Not buying it on DVD." The bad news was the same.

Truly one of the worst movies I have ever seen and I loved the Police Academy movies, so I basically have no taste.

I feel your pain. I have a vendetta against this movie Because I only have to look at THE POSTER and I know what its going to end like!!!! (Except Daphne has had at least ONE man- the evidence is her daughters) I had started to go soft, thinking maybe I might see it. But you have pulled me back from the brink of 104 minutes of mindless trash. Thankyou!

If this review were quoted on the DVD case, here's what it would say:

"Relentless! Unflinching! Heartfelt! I still haven't recovered!"

This movie damn near ruined my marriage... It made me want to bitch slap the hairy highschool girl who worked at Blockbuster whom, when asked what she thought of the movie, replied " OH, it's goooood, I LOVE Mandy Moore!!" There should be a training program for Blockbuster employees in which they are taught to be chauvinistic in there recommendations whenever a man comes in with his wife... it was this (my wives choice)or Apocalypto.... fucking Blockbuster employees....

A few thoughts:

1) just saw this as a rental because my roommate picked it up. I'm glad I didn't spend the money.

2) is it just me or is diane keaton freaking out/wailing/screaming in her movies a lot (see: something's gotta give)?

3) normally I cant stand mandy moore, what with her pseudo feminine, clearly forced girl-voice (I liken it to keira knightly's perma- nose flare; see: a walk to remember).

4) I AM ASKING FOR IT was the only time I laughed the entire movie. Weird.