Pajiba

Ta da.

Can it do a split across a whole room like Mel-B? pfffffftttt, didn't think so.

Pass.

"I don't know who Joby Harold is, and the only information IMDB gives is that "he is British," "

I thought this was just sarcasm and had to check IMDB to see it. Unbeleivably, that's really all it said!

Hilarious.

I'm still shocked that the presence of both Alba and Christiansen in the same film didn't trigger the apocalypse. YOWZERS, I'd pay to see BSlim do splits across the room before I'd subject myself to that.

Even flaccid, Viggo is hot!!!!!

I was righ. The trailer, as horrible as THAT is, looks better than the film.

Hayden Christiansen?

Boner killer for sure.

*Yawn*

What? Huh?

Oh. Right. The Awake review. Yeah.

*Rolls over, goes back to sleep*

Disclaimer - Dustin, that was not a reflection of your review, rather a reflection of the entire concept of this film.

oh no, alba isn't dumb at all. she's brilliant and wants the world to know that. stop thinking about her as just a beautiful girl, she's got brains too. cough.

not but seriously, if this is her attempt at serious acting and this thing called "intelligence", then i'd just rather she remain a vapid pool of disgrace.

so, yeah. i'm not seeing this. i'd rather spend my money on moon pies and penny whistles.

Are we trying to get a sponsorship deal for RC-Cola on this site now?

Did you say Lena Olin? As in Irina Derevko? That's...just wrong. She's supposed to play evil superspies who shoot their daughters.

Actually from the trailer, it looked like they were going to harvest the rest of his organs and sell them on the black market. Not that that would make it more interesting really.

So you guys really find Alba hot? I would think the fact that she always looks like she's trying to remember how to breathe would be a turn off...

The trailer dialogue made me cringe (Mom- "You have your whole life ahead of you." Son-"Do I?") but whatever, he's pretty.

Visual image of "just pull the string" when talking about J. Alba's ass? Not so pretty.

Wait, I don't actually understand why he'd be donating his own heart while he's still alive...how did he fall for this sham? :s

This movie sounds WAY dumb.

Hayden Christensen did something that would make me despise him for the rest of his miserable and mediocre life:

He made Darth Vader boring. (and spare me the Lucas is to blame crap to make excuses for his metro pretty boy ass, Lucas has always written shitty dialog, Hayden just couldn't sell it, douchebag).
Oh, and a 22 year old "real estate MAGNATE" reaaaaaally? Who were the ad-wizards that came up with THAT one?

Only one comment is appropriate here.

Please tell me he says "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" at some point.

Lena fucking Olin is in this? Man. I don't think my love for her can overcome this much.

I agree, if Alba isn`t SHOWING that million dollar ass, why fucking bother?makes the MIST look more promising.How was ths MIST, Slim ?

How was ths MIST, Slim ?

Posted by: pasadenamike at November 30, 2007 8:03 PM

---------------------------------------

It was, uhm...everything I expected it would be...

I can never tell Hayden Christensen & James Franco apart-both of them have that sleepy douche look,are horrible actors (HORRIBLE!-the only time I dared to withstand Franco for a relatively lengthy period was to complete watching FREAKS & GEEKS).Anyhu,excellent rev.

Wait a minute, I'm confused. I get that he's awake and conscious on the table. But if he IMAGINES walking around the hospital, how the hell is he actually solving mysteries going on if he's still lying down? Since you mentioned that there were a lot of useless simple plots, I'm assuming that this is one of them.

He really said "I. can. not. bear. the. pain"? I'm amazed you could bear it, Dustin.

If Jacob spent his cash on penny whistles, it's money well spent, as far as I'm concerned. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to slam down some Jameson and mess with my Feadog D (and tweaked Generation D) for a couple hours.

Daniel - bite your tongue! That's blasphemy. James Franco is hawt. Hayden - not so much. As for the douche look......well, I might have conceded this point if I didn't see Franco in today's Pajiba love video. Perhaps he is not as douchey as I originally thought.

BSlim - you have been in rare form this day. I wish much lovin' for you from Mrs. BSlim.

I, too, was perplexed (nonplussed, even) by "22 year-old real estate magnate." The hell? What is point of that fucknuttery?

Maybe I just have bad taste in movies, but I saw this movie today and liked it. Although Clay's screaming and saying fuck over and over again on the table was annoying. Hayden can be really stiff at times (but at least he's pretty to look at) and Alba tries really hard to be a bad ass at the end but it just doesn't work out. But I dunno, I really liked it.

I forgot to mention.....for some reason, when I see the name Fisher Stevens, I get a picture of Kirstie Alley's ex-husband in my head. I don't know why. I blame TK. He spiked my Tahitian Treat.

What is point of that fucknuttery?

And lo, a new and most awesome word is introduced into my vocabulary this joyous night. Classic!

What is point of that fucknuttery?

And lo, a new and most awesome word is introduced into my vocabulary this joyous night. Classic!

the commercial for this is on right now-- i think the trailor spoils your spoiler fun

mmm...I like me some moon pies.

Lena Olin? How desperate must she be to sign on for drek like this. I had to channel flip when the trailer came on, since I've had open heart surgery...and while I was WAY under during it, I never want to relive the hours before or days after again.

Jessica Alba. Hayden Christiansen. Lena Olin. And the incomparable Fisher Stevens! The cast of the long-awaited Short Circuit 3! Coming to thea ... straight to Time Warner Video in 2010.

Why, Lena Olin? Why?

Thanks, Jen, I'm grateful for the opportunity to contribute to the Pajiba vocab. Although, that was supposed to read, What is the point of that fucknuttery?

For reasons mentioned in an earlier post, I blame TK.

"I forgot to mention.....for some reason, when I see the name Fisher Stevens, I get a picture of Kirstie Alley's ex-husband in my head. I don't know why. "

Me too!

Oh, Lena Olin. You're married to Lasse Hallstrom for crying out loud! he could have cast you in SOMEthing!

Yeah, Fisher Stevens/ Parker Stevenson.....but only one of them was on Baywatch AND married to a crazy fat Scientologist.

Did you real need to lay all that hipster snark down on this shit movie? "This movie sucks." Move on. Do we need 2G words of your obnoxious prattling Dustin? Yes, I did read most of it so I guess you won.

Hey, Feh! Suck a dirty toilet plunger.

This review was AWESOME.

Do we need 2G words of your obnoxious prattling Dustin?

Wha...What the fuck? What the hell do you think this site is? This is Dustin's site, and he can say whatever he wants. It's not like this is some corporate entity and Dustin is just one of the contributors. I am simply amazed by the level of stupidity on this site of late. If someone can't say whatever they want on their own blog, then what is the point of blogs even existing? This site has a lot of visitors and is pretty fancy, but it's still a blog. Fuck off Feh, and get some perspective.

I don't think Feh really understands the whole idea behind a movie review.

It's just so funny- Mel B with the splits. Even for the 1,643 time!!

Bslim- in Hip Hop, there's a term for asses like you: "studio gangsta". That's someone who's REAL confident IN A BOOTH.

Here, though, you're what? I guess "keyboard bully" would describe you best.

Bitter, bitter boy.

Yeah Al-x it's Luda, JaRule and ...B-Slim? Hmmmm, where's my check though? How come I ain't rollin' on 24's?

PS: It had only been mentioned like 4 times and then you went and brought it up again.

I saw people call you Bslim here before- I didn't make it up.

4 times in 2 threads.. Yeah, that's not too much. Especially when it's so on topic right at the top of this one. Gets you another response from Daphne though, huh?

And, don't you need to actually own a car to be rollin' on anything?

Anyway- That woman in the DwtS comments happened to like that shitfest. You're the one who made it personal with your "salt of the earth/Wal-Mart" comments. And now you figure that you're on a roll. And I'm saying, Mr. keyboard bully- that MAYBE you should cut it out.

Didn't Fisher Stevens use to bang Michelle Pfieffer? I'm not even kidding here.

If you really care to distinguish between Fisher Stevens and Parker Stevenson (and I doubt you do, but anyways): Fisher was once married to Michelle Phieffer (sp?) in her young, hot glory days no less! I only saw one or two pics of them together back then, but those contrasting images have haunted my memory ever since...
anyway, I do so love it when Dustin takes on a really crappy movie; keeps me coming back for more.

This movie sounds terrible. Is it possible that Hollywood doesn't actually have a clue about talent and acting ability? I mean, Jessica Alba AND Hayden Christensen? Some people should be in films - others should be in nudie magazines. It doesn't take a recipient of the RC Cola Supercool Genius Award to figure out which medium these two belong in.

Hayden Christensen. Do not want. Do not want at all.

Boo.

Al X: I'm pretty sure that BarbadoSlim is called BSlim on occasion out of the typist's laziness, not because he is gangsta, yo.. It's only a matter of time before we start calling him BS (heh... amusing on more than one level)

*sigh* Oh boy, how about I concede to you and leave it at that Al-x. My posts obviously have a negative impact on your view of how things ought to be and I don't want to cause you anymore distress. So take this small victory and do with it what you will.

OT: I prefer to remember Fisher Stevens as: Mr. The Plague

Al X is now tied for all-time douchiest commentor with Pookie. Congratulations!

Lena Fucking Olin, what the hell are you doing in this?

Excellent review, crap movie.

A quick check on IMDB reveals Alba and her overrated ass will be stinking up the screen with Mike Meyers (who seems hell bent on squandering the goodwill he accumulated as Deiter) and Justin Timberlake, 'nuff said. Then she'll laying a big pile on an unnecessary remake of "The Eye"
So, what we have here is an ever expanding vortex of suck that will kill us all.

I'm glad you wrote the spoilers. It saved me the trip to themoviespoiler.com because I would've had to know.

Did you real need to lay all that hipster snark down on this shit movie? "This movie sucks." Move on. Do we need 2G words of your obnoxious prattling Dustin?

Yeah! You know what would be totally fucking awesome? Eight reviews per day where you click on the link and it just says "This [movie/TV show/book] sucks" or "This [movie/TV show/book] rocks" or "This [movie/TV show/book] was ok." Because that would be an awesome bit of entertainment, but also a huge time-saver. Suck it Dustin, for wasting my time on your educated opinions and free web content!

Re B-Slim: Correct me if I'm wrong -- and I know you will! -- but I'm pretty sure I coined that. Cuz I like to keeps it realz for my peeps. Like, stay in touch with the "urban" demographic. It's a term of endearment. He's like David Sedaris's brother, The Rooster: He's "different"; apparently suffered a brain trauma at the hands of a goose-stepping, Ipod-wearing hipster at some point; and speaks in a patois of swearing, broken English, and what might be pidgin Eskimo. On the other hand, he ain't heavy, he's our brother, and we love B-Slim!

*cough* *cough* Thank you for that Socalled, fellow Pajaricans.
It wasn't so long ago when a friend (who I might have made it up for purposes of this post)asked me:

How do you do it Barbado, how do you deal with, the hate? The hate heaped on you for calling out when a movie/series/concept/idea/person is just complete and utter crap? You are like Jesus or.... Job.

I'll tell you now what I told him then:

I deal with it, one day at a time. One day.... at a time.

Apt simile; when I think of you, generally the first person I think of is Jesus. Job was a bit of a punching bag.

4 times in 2 threads.. Yeah, that's not too much. Especially when it's so on topic right at the top of this one. Gets you another response from Daphne though, huh?

Hang on on sec - can we not put Daphne in middle of this kerfuffle, please? I was giving BSlim a compliment (shoutout to socalled for penning the nickname and keepin' it real) because dammit, he made me laugh. A lot. If that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.

My bad socalled! Mostly I was just trying to clarify that Mr. Slim had not given himself the short form... so perhaps he is not gangsta but the peeps he rollz with are :) although I will point out that I did indeed type socalled out of sheer lazyness and not cause I'm hip... anywho, back to our regularly scheduled crappy programs...

Then she'll laying a big pile on an unnecessary remake of "The Eye"

As long as it's not "Story of the Eye" I'm great. Although that would be a great way for her to garner some indie cred and still not have to do much beyond what she seems she'd be good at.

hey BSLIM, I mean gangsterslim, don`t let the knuckleheads get ya down.ALBA`s ass brings out the worst in some people . ucla+20 feelig that

I've crossed a line somewhere. I, too, am beginning to feel something like affection for BarbadoSlim. I even added his alias to my dictionary so it's not underlined in red anymore when I type it. That means he's officially validated in my world.

Renee, in case you're curious, "The Eye" in question is a well-made but pretty derivative Thai horror movie.

But your Bataille reference is awfully cool. What a movie that would be! I can see Greenaway making something out of it worth seeing. Or Haneke, for maximum squirm factor.

I really don't get the hype over Alba. Not even her ass. Its nothing special. If you're into hot asses, then I could understand liking Kim Kardashian for her behind, even though she's as stupid and pointless as Alba. But as far as Alba goes, I will never undestand everybody's obsession with ANY part of her body. And besides...her chin is entirely too pointy.

While I agree that Alba is an idiot, it's unfair to compare her to the vortex of idiocy that is Kardashian. Besides KK's ass scares children.

Speaking of too pointy chins...am I the only one freaked out by Reese Witherspoon's chin?

Joker,

Oh my god her chin scares me. I never understood why she's supposed to be "the most beautiful blonde in Hollywood" or whatever those ass-dwellers on the E channel call her.

She's all chin and flared nostrils as far as I've seen.

My friend wanted to go see this and she came back from the theater and said, "man that was a steaming pile."

I said she should have listened to Dustin Rowles and his fellow Pajibans.

Man, what is with all the douchebaggery lately? People seem to be getting snarlier every time I visit this site. Hey, newsflash, just because the site slogan is (was?) 'Scathing Reviews For Bitchy People', doesn't give you the right to shove your head so far up your ass you can see your own tonsils.

As for the movie... um, what? I don't have TV so I don't see trailers except those rare times I'm up at my parents' place. I'm fairly glad for that, considering the random shit being put out. The whole concept strikes me as dumber than the latest rash of trolls. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't the monitors or something indicate that the patient is awake? Brain patterns, for instance. Pain tests. Anyone?

There's also the somewhat less obvious tact, taking Terrence Howard to task for wasting his Oscar-nominated talent on this film

I think you meant tack which is another word for course instead of tact which means politeness, something that had nothing to do with your review of this film.

Hey...what happened to the ads? Gerstmann support?

Oh, Lena Olin. It makes me so sad that you left Alias and then were not really in anything good after that.

So my dear friend and I were going to go ice skating Saturday, but instead she wanted to go to a movie and suggested this drivel. I asked who was in it, and as soon as she said Hayden Christiansen, I knew it was going to be awful (a point I brought up, but which we both stupidly disregarded as she has never seen a movie with good ol' Hayden). I'm sorry, but I have seen four other movies with this guy, and I thought they all blew just as much ass as this movie. Also, the amount of disbelief these people ask you to suspend is a bit much. First off, little Clay's mom has a world-class heart surgeon lined up to do the procedure, but because his other doctor (who has four malpractice suits, BTW) takes him fishing, he insists the hack do the surgery. Secondly, at one point Sam just waltzes on into the operating room. THE OPEN-HEART SURGERY OPERATING ROOM!!! This is basically an impossible feat, even if you ARE the sneaky character she is, and especially at a hospital where the heart surgeon has four malpractice suits against him. There would be SOMEBODY, no matter how tight the budget, making sure rifraff wasn't coming in with their hair all down, not scrubbed in and with no gown on. Just saying. Also, when you do those little shocky things to make people not be dead, you can't do them on top of clothes or operating towels, because that shit will just catch right on fire. Just saying.

And Cuno: The whole "awake during surgery" thing actually does happen occasionally. I don't think there are tests to discover if the person is awake. They don't really hook you up to major brain-scanning equipment during surgery, anyway. And pain tests mostly rely on reflexive pullback of your limbs when subjected to pain, so if you're paralyzed, you can't do that.

So correct me if I'm wrong, but Hayden's being conscious during surgery had no effect on anything in the movie. He could have been truly unconscious, and the movie would have played out exactly the same way, plot-wise, and we could have avoided 20 minutes of "Ouch" and "Dear God, the pain."

Wouldn't it have made more sense if something turned on the fact that he was "Awake" -- like that he heard something he otherwise wouldn't have -- causing him to take some plot-critical action? Otherwise, being awake is just a gimmick that serves no purpose.

IMDB had more:Brother-in-law of actor Charlie Hewson.

Married to producer Tory Tunnell.