"Live-Blogging" The Naked Mile
American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile / Dustin Rowles
00:30 American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile (now out on DVD) starts out innocently enough. Erik, a half-dressed teenager, talks his parents into allowing him to stay home sick a lá Ferris Bueller. After they leave, Erik sneaks downstairs and pulls out a copy of something called Pussy Palace. I’m guessing the film has something to do with cats.
01:00 Nope. Not cats. Erik has decided to watch Pussy Palace while naked, wearing headphones, and standing in his living room. Naturally, his mom, dad, and grandmother all walk in simultaneously. Erik, er, unleashes his manly fluids, and … there goes Grandma. She’s out cold. Nope. She’s dead. It’s going to be a long hour and 37 minutes.
03:00 The setup: We are introduced to three high-school friends, headed up by the masturbating dude, Erik, who I suppose is this entry’s Jason Biggs character. Oh, but wait! Erik is actually the cousin of the legendary Dwight Stifler, who I suppose is related to Sean William Scott’s Steve Stifler, which is the connection holding this entire franchise together into the fifth installment. And, ahoy!
04:00 Erik has been dating Tracy (Jessy Schram) for two years, and she is not ready to have sex yet, making Erik a virgin. That damned virginity; somebody should make a film about the difficulty of losing it. Oh, wait.
06:00 We are six minutes in, and there have already been three gratuitous shots of naked breasts. We’re talking total feminist flick here, folks. I’m assuming it’s because they burned their bras in protest of quality cinematic fare.
07:30 Erik’s generic-looking friend: “You cannot graduate a virgin. For God’s sake, you’re a Stifler.” Amen.
08:44 Tracy: “I’m not ready yet.” Erik: “Can’t I be ready enough for both of us? … The longer I stay a virgin, the longer I am the laughingstock of the entire school.” It’s like a very special episode of “Saved by the Bell.” Oh, damn. All fond associations with that show have been forever tainted. Thanks, Dustin Diamond.
09:44 Half-naked generic girl in women’s locker room asks Tracy what Erik’s penis size is: “Oh, wait. I suppose it’s pretty hard to tell dick size from dry humping.” Is that true?
11:01 The “naked mile” is revealed. It concerns cousin Dwight Stifler, who is attending college nearby. He’s in a fraternity. They throw a party called the naked mile. Thousands of naked college students run through campus to blow off steam. “It’s going to be epic.” Sadly, Erik is grounded forever, having killed his grandmother with his semen.
11:30 Christopher McDonald is the father, Mr. Stifler. Man — this guy will do anything. He’s the guy who studios go after to play the smug asshole when they can’t find anyone else. You may remember him best from his role in Happy Gilmore. He’s lecturing Erik now, telling him that when was a kid, he didn’t have time to blow a load in his grandmother’s face. Stiflers, he says, “don’t stay at home to masturbate to porn. They go to class to get ass.” It’s the same thing with Rowleses, lemme tell you.
12:58 Tracy gives in to peer pressure. She calls Erik and says that she wants to have sex. Tonight.
13:52 For reasons that don’t make sense to people like myself with little or no higher-brain function, generic friend says into the telephone, “Chicken salad and college pussy. My favorite combination.” You gotta love the turn of phrase there.
14:53 Erik is at Tracy’s house now. How is he going to fuck up his first sexual opportunity? My guess, given the franchise: sudden, violent diarrhea.
17:03 Oh! So close. So close. Actually, Tracy’s dad comes into the basement, where Tracy and Erik are fooling around. Erik hides. His flatulence gets the best of him, however, and Tracy’s dad searches for the noise. Erik hides in the dryer, farts again, and Tracy’s dad opens the dryer door. Erik jumps out, pantyhose on head, and streaks out of the house nude. But not before taking a shit in the dryer. Oh man — a new low. New fucking low. It’s like I’m watching a new extreme commercial for Southwest Airlines: “Gotta get away?”
20:42 At school the next day, Tracy revokes her sexual proposal, on account of the fact that Erik shit in her dryer. No breakup, though. Instead, Tracy offers a guilt-free pass to Erik at the Naked Mile party. So, you know, he can get it out of his system. His virginity, that is. That’s romance, y’all. Princess Bride romance.
24:16 Tracy is at yoga. Tracy’s half-naked friends are offering more advice, chastising her for offering Erik the free pass. “Are you out of your fucking mind? … If he has sex this weekend, what do you think is going to happen? Once he’s felt the soft pink velvet on the inside of the box, he’s not going to go back to rubbing his dick on the outside of the lid.” Man, truer words.
25:02 Tracy calls Erik while he’s on the road toward the party. Erik’s asleep. Erik’s friend tosses phone away. Shit! This is just a travesty. Narrative hook established.
25:40 There he is. Eugene Levy makes his first appearance, reprising his role from the first four American Pie movies as Mr. Levenstein. He runs into Tracy on his way to the yoga studio, where he’s going to learn about the Kama Sutra. He offers Tracy advice: “You gave your boyfriend a free pass at the naked mile? Are you crazy?” He implored her not to worry, though. I’m betting that 40 seconds amounts to Levy’s entire screen time, just enough to get into the trailer.
29:54 Erik and his friends have arrived. We’re in the frat house. Is that Chumbawumba I hear? Holy shit. And it’s not even their one hit: “I get knocked down, I get up again.” Dear God. Say it ain’t so. Chumbawumba! I think The Naked Mile has officially hit its high point.
30:03 There’s a drinking contest going on. Campus security comes in, faux cop threatens to arrest everyone, then places his bet on Erik’s cousin, Dwight Stifler (Steve Talley). The loser then projectile vomits all over female student’s breast (note to self, never refer to female college students as co-eds).
35:25 Erik, et al. somehow get involved in a football game against a big fraternity rival. Only the fraternity rival is made up entirely of sarcastic little people (midgets). Man, I want to die a thousand deaths right now.
43:00 The little people are kicking the crap out of the regular-sized shitstains on the football field. One of the little people bites the QB in the groin. I mean, c’mon! This ain’t fair. The little people are taunting. “Wish I was a little bit taller, wish I was a baller.” I’m embarrassed for all of humanity right now.
44:00 It takes nearly nine fucking minutes, but the little people are victorious after one of them jumps out of a pile of mud and punches one of the regular-sized guys in the nuts at the goal line. I swear to God, it’s like I’m watching an Orson Welles film.
44:30 “Don’t let those oompah-loompahs get to you.”
50:37 Erik meets a college girl at a bar. She’s blonde. She clearly doesn’t have a no-nudity clause in her contract. Her name is Brandy (of course). Erik chats her up. I lose consciousness for a few seconds. When I wake up, Erik is confessing his virginity. That’s how to get the ladies. Inexplicably, Brandy suggests that things might change by the end of the weekend. Is that, like, foreshadowing? I can’t deal with all these literary devices.
54:03 Eugene Levy is back. He’s sitting on a bench at the college reading a newspaper. He’s apparently there to watch the naked mile in action. He offers Erik some advice. He’s totally the moral center of The Naked Mile. He gets a full three minutes of screen-time this time. Christopher Guest must be so proud.
57:41 Dwight Stifler apparently just had a threesome with a college girl and a monkey. Yep. A monkey. Afterwards, the little people jump Dwight and lay him up in the hospital. Dwight says he can’t run in the mile.
61:01 The Naked Mile is about to commence. Dwight suddenly appears and drops the psyche bomb. “Nobody starts the naked mile without me,” he yells, while nude. He’s got some sort of leather strappy thong on, I think. I’m not sure what it is, but I wish I’d never seen it. It’s times like these when I wish my mother had followed through on her threat to gouge out my eyeballs when I was 11.
62:01 Dwight is taunting the little people. The little people are humiliated. It’s so nice to see midgets vilified. A breath of fucking fresh air. Maybe in American Pie 6, Jimmy-Fund kids can be the villains.
63:03 The naked mile is about to commence. Everyone is nude. Dwight gives the gang some Viagra, which means they can run with … you know … erections. Awesome.
65:00 Guess who is the MC of the Naked Mile? Eugene Levy. Apparently, he started it all back in his college days. Symmetry.
67:00 And off they go. I think I understand the need for sports bras now.
68:00Dwight Stifler: “I’m adrift in a sea of boobies and my balls are scraping the pavement.” I think he lifted that line from Art Buchwald. Someone notify his estate.
69:00 The requisite Sum 46 or Blink 119 or All-American Rejects soundtrack choice is playing at the finish line. It was only a matter of time. Erik is making out with Brandy. It’s being televised. Tracy, back at home, sees it on television. She’s crestfallen. She needs a goddamn hug.
71:00 The post naked-mile frat party is in effect. Erik, et al. are still sporting Viagra-induced erections. Tracy is still at home, crestfallen.
74:00 “The Heavyweight Hard-On Championship of the World” is now starting. “Let the penis games begin.” Yep. My stomach just lurched. The gang is holding buckets with their erections; beer is being poured in. The last one standing wins! Some college girl spanks generic friend and — Jesus, he just sprayed his ejaculate all over the audience. My God! Why am I watching this? I really need to watch this from the fetal position.
75:00 The penis ring toss: “It’s just like six flags.”
76:00Batting practice with penises. C’mon, this just ain’t fair. It’s criminally inhumane. The next time Jack Bauer needs to torture someone, just put the penis games on repeat. It’ll take about six and a half minutes before the location of the terrorist weaponry is revealed and the world can be saved. At least some good would then come of this travesty.
79:00 There’s only 19 minutes left. What’s going to happen? The suspense is killing me. Actually, no — it’s the film itself. The film is actually killing me. I can feel my flesh decompose.
80:00 Tracy’s half-naked friends are encouraging her to sleep with someone else. To even the score. Man, doesn’t that always work?
81:00 There have to be at least three minutes of credits tacked on to the end, right? Seriously, c’mon. Maybe four minutes? Which means there’s only 12 minutes left. It’s, like, 12-minute eternity. Klosterman once watched 24 consecutive hours of VH1 Classics programming, but I’m guessing he’d never make it through all 97 minutes of The Naked Mile.
82:00 Brandy is naked now. Erik is playing pool. It’s so phallic. It’s like they got Freud to do some consulting on the script. Brandy is making her sexual proposal. Oh, it turns out, she’s a serial de-virginizer. Well, ain’t that a kick in the ass?
84:00 Erik denies the serial de-virginizer, ‘cause he’s “in love.” Man, I never saw that coming. Never.
85:00 Dwight is about to have sex with one of the little people. I don’t even know what to say.
86:00 The dude (generic friend) who sprayed his semen on the audience earlier is now being involuntarily introduced to one of those newfangled vibrators. Dude - date-rape is hilarious!
87:00 Erik shows up at Tracy’s house on a white horse. No. Seriously. He’s on a goddamn steed. A fucking white stallion. Where? Why? Wha? Tracy’s not at home; she’s about to engage in score-evening sex.
88:00 Erik arrives at the party that Tracy is at, still on the fucking horse. He’s racing around the party calling out for Tracy. It’s like that scene in “Can’t Hardly Wait,” where Ethan Embry is yelling for Mandy! I’d given anything for a Neil Diamond cameo right now.
89:00 Erik is confessing his undying love to a door: “It’s not about the sex. You’re the most important thing.” Hey — that’s a Haggis line.
90:00 Tracy: “You rode a horse for me?” Apparently, that’s all it took. A motherfucking horse. And here comes the big, movie-ending kiss. Everyone at the party is clapping. I think I’m a little misty. Nope — that’s blood. There is blood trickling down my cheek.
91:00 Tracy: “Should we?” And, alas, Erik loses his virginity around the same time I lose my goddamn mind. As soon as the credits roll, I’ve decided, I’m going to run out to my backyard and see how far I can fling the DVD. It’ll be the only joy this movie will bring.
93:00 The morning-after confessional. Erik announces that he had sex with his girlfriend, which is the gentlemanly thing to do. Generic friend sees fit to finally call Erik a “Stifler.” Erik says, “No, thanks. Just call me Erik.” It’s a poignant moment. Really.
94:00 The leader of the little men receives a DVD in the mail, pops it in, and learns that Dwight Stifler is having sex with his little-person girlfriend. He yells “Stifler” into the camera. The credits mercifully roll.
That’s it. Pajiba’s first, and probably only, live-blogging movie review. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.
Pajiba Love 01/22/07 | | Pajiba Love 01/23/07 |
Comments
Really, Dustin, you do too much for us.
Posted by: Bullfrog at January 23, 2007 11:19 AM
Fucking genius.
Way to throw yourself on the grenade for our entertainment.
Posted by: WestCoastPat at January 23, 2007 11:49 AM
Oh my god that was like water torture applied to my eyes,so painful to read, I can only imagine what it felt like to watch. You sir are too good for this world.
*shudder*
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 23, 2007 11:53 AM
Dwight is taunting the little people. The little people are humiliated. It's so nice to see midgets vilified.
I'm laughing so hard right now. Thanks for taking one for the team, Dustin. Good lord, is this rated X?
Posted by: litelysalted at January 23, 2007 11:54 AM
Niccccccce!
My friends and I used to watch awful movies like this on purpose to torture ourselves. That was college when I was on a lot of drugs. This is now. Thank you for summarizing this turd so I don't have to watch it/be lobotomized/become suicidal on some bored Saturday night on HBO.
I'm guessing G-Lev's paycheck was in the millions. He can pay a lot of money to keep this movie as far away from him as possible.
Posted by: Kballs at January 23, 2007 12:02 PM
Dustin: Maybe if you approached movies like this with more of an open mind, you would actually enjoy them. It sounds awesome to me.
Posted by: Dustin is pretentious at January 23, 2007 12:07 PM
Update: After having gone to IMDB to see if, in fact, this movie is rated X, I came upon this jem of a review, and I can't help sharing:
Personal Favourite, 2 December 2006
Author: adamsandler1989 from Romania
I have seen every American Pie movie made so i can be calm when is say this to you .... it was awesome.One might think that after so many movies it would ware out , but see it didn't its just original and funny.So i cant really say that it was a sequel to the already well known teenage movie because it's somewhat different.Sure some of the main problems moving the plot are the same , but that is that it can't be changed it has to be that (I'm not writing anything else here cause people might think I'm spoiling).So if u like the whole genre i think u would appreciate this one cause it has some nice twists to it.Anyway i bet u guys rent up lots of movies half of them just on a whim so why not rent (or buy)something cool.
Outstanding.
Posted by: litelysalted at January 23, 2007 12:08 PM
"My God! Why am I watching this? I really need to watch this from the fetal position."
Hysterical recap, as they all are...but really, you did this one to yourself. How many Pajiba readers are actually going to voluntarily watch this crap anyway.. no one is asking you to watch a straigt to DVD American Pie film...I think most people can guess how horrendous it would be. I'm thinking you might just be a bit of a film masochist.
Posted by: al at January 23, 2007 12:09 PM
"Erik sneaks downstairs and pulls out a copy of something called Pussy Palace. I'm guessing the film has something to do with cats."
How did it end?
Posted by: santino at January 23, 2007 12:21 PM
I finally know what to get my husband for our anniversary! Thanks Dustin!
Posted by: KolbyC at January 23, 2007 12:32 PM
And with that dump, Erik shits all over my premise that people would enjoy a lot more movies and expand their mind if they weren't afraid of watching things tagged "dumb."
I still stand by the premise, shit stains and all, but he sure isn't doing me any favors.
Posted by: Eep at January 23, 2007 1:03 PM
Thanks for the "SPOILER ALERT", MotherF**CKER!
Posted by: Ajax19 at January 23, 2007 1:23 PM
I de-lurked to say that was brilliant. One of the best things I've read on Pajiba in months...and I read it every day.
Posted by: Extrapolation at January 23, 2007 1:24 PM
@ 'Dustin is pretentious,' christ knows everyone's first thought when they approach the umpteenth American Pie sequel is to do so with an open mind. As long as people like you keep lapping this shit up, no doubt they'll keep churning out the sequels. Hooray!
Posted by: markus at January 23, 2007 1:57 PM
Dustin: Well done, good man. Once again proof positive that we Pajibans are better than everyone else. Thank you for looking down our collective nose at this drivel so that the world may understand our superiority.
Huzzah!
Posted by: I *heart* Dustin! at January 23, 2007 2:41 PM
The only saving grace of crappy movies is reviews like this.
I've never gotten the whole American Pie movie craze, I just never found them funny. The whole so-bad-it's-good thing escapes me. It might be easier to grasp if there were more good movies, and such bad movies were a rarity. Which they are not.
Posted by: vadge_patrol at January 23, 2007 2:42 PM
Not your best work, Dusty.
Posted by: Murray at January 23, 2007 2:44 PM
^^^^^^ I think we all know who bought the un-rated edition.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 23, 2007 2:47 PM
You're fucking ace man.
That was the best review eva.
the whole shit had me cracking.
Posted by: Jean at January 23, 2007 3:03 PM
I laughed out loud no less than three times while reading this...which is great but a little embarrassing because I'm sitting in a computer lab surrounded by people who are actually doing their work.
Anyway, great review!
Posted by: Ann Marie at January 23, 2007 3:12 PM
I'm confused about the shitting in the dryer. Why was he holding it in? Was he planning a little scat-play in his first sexual encounter?
This seems like a major plot-hole in an otherwise well written film.
Posted by: jcm at January 23, 2007 3:17 PM
The only saving grace of crappy movies is reviews like this.
I've never gotten the whole American Pie movie craze, I just never found them funny. The whole so-bad-it's-good thing escapes me. It might be easier to grasp if there were more good movies, and such bad movies were a rarity. Which they are not.
Quite an indictment of low-brow cinema, vadge_patrol. Very classy name, by the way.
Posted by: FBI (female body inspector - get it?) at January 23, 2007 3:47 PM
FBI, I enjoyed Borat, which I would hardly call high-brow, as well as other tasteless flicks. It's just a matter of personal taste is all.
Posted by: vadge_patrol at January 23, 2007 4:01 PM
Sounds almost unbearably idiotic...
Yet the review makes me want to watch it more than I would have dreamt possible.
Posted by: Can't Stop Laughing at January 23, 2007 4:02 PM
how many people reading this can recite entire scenes from porky's? that's what i thought.
same thing, different generation, and it was as shitty then as it is now.
the review, however, was aces, even if i DID zone out about halfway through. i suppose not even a great review can get me to devote more than three minutes to the american pie franchise.
Posted by: bleh at January 23, 2007 5:37 PM
"Everyone at the party is clapping. I think I'm a little misty. Nope -- that's blood. There is blood trickling down my cheek."
When I reached this sentence, people at my worked looked at me oddly because I wasn't doing a great job at muffling my laughter. So, so funny. Please do more "live blogging" reviews. Please.
Posted by: Sarah at January 23, 2007 6:45 PM
I went to IMDB to look up Christopher McDonald because I couldn't remember who he was and I was horrified to find that he just finished "The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning" wherein he plays what I assume is a Young Boss Hog.
WHY? WHY IS THAT MOVING BEING MADE? I think I may weep now.
Posted by: amberlynne at January 23, 2007 6:56 PM
Amazingly hilarious. Who knew the drecks from the American Pie franchise could produce such an awesome review?
Thanks for the laughs yet again, Pajiba. I KNEW there was a reason why I come to this site everyday.
Posted by: jko at January 23, 2007 7:13 PM
"How did it end?"
He fixes the cable?
Posted by: Jason at January 23, 2007 8:02 PM
Goddamn, that was like sex. Thank you.
Posted by: Jakob Montrasio-Fan at January 23, 2007 8:54 PM
Tracy: "You rode a horse for me?" Apparently, that's all it took. A motherfucking horse. And here comes the big, movie-ending kiss. Everyone at the party is clapping. I think I'm a little misty. Nope -- that's blood. There is blood trickling down my cheek.
This is probably the funniest thing ever writen down by anyone, EVER! Brilliant!
Posted by: CarpePancakes! at January 23, 2007 9:04 PM
Brilliant review!! I can't believe you were actually able to sit through that whole movie without throwing yourself out of a window halfway through. Or hunting down the producers of the movie and throwing them out the window. You really should be canonized for surviving the movie.
And who the hell told the screenwriters that the "Heavyweight Hard-On Championship of the World" was a good idea? It hurts me just to read about it, and I don't even have a penis.
Posted by: stardust_savant at January 23, 2007 9:45 PM
Sadly, Erik is grounded forever, having killed his grandmother with his semen.
What the hell were they thinking? And why did I laugh when I read it in my inner-mind-Cleesian-voice?
Posted by: Vermillion at January 23, 2007 10:25 PM
Definitely masochistic. Disturbingly so.
Posted by: Lola at January 23, 2007 11:29 PM
"...having killed his grandmother with his semen."
And here I thought I was the only one.
Posted by: Paco at January 24, 2007 12:02 AM
Once again you made me laugh out loud while sitting at the computer in the office. you sir should be ashamed of yourself. but enough of ego-stroking the critic for his wit...
did they actually make this movie?? cause some of the "plot" twists sounded like a really sick joke! not that i am against sick jokes per se, just against bad sick jokes. no,really did you made it up?
Posted by: marija at January 24, 2007 2:54 AM
I think Southwest Airlines slogan is "Wanna Get Away?" not "Gotta Get Away?"
Brilliant though, brilliant. It's like you're trying to give yourself a premature death with these films.
Posted by: Kevin Longrie at January 24, 2007 3:57 AM
so, this isn't exactly on topic... but what is the picture with the bloody guy at the top of the page from? (also, the guy in the elevator / red hair girl.. but don't care as much about them b/c bloody guy is intense)
Posted by: drew at January 24, 2007 8:20 AM
drew: The Bloody man is the great Bruce Campbell, and that scene is from either one of the Evil Dead or Army of Darkness films. I cannot recommend them enough.
Posted by: pinkcheese at January 24, 2007 9:45 AM
Brilliant piece of writing, you should do this more often ('live-blogging'). I actually saw this piece of shit, makes part 4 (Band Camp) look like Citizen Kane... The whole fact that it is the Unrated version is probably because nobody at the MPAA wanted to watch this piece of crap, not because there's anything in here which would lead to anything but an R rating.
Posted by: Captain Spalding at January 24, 2007 10:33 AM
I do pray you get hazard-pay for this?
Some kind of bonus?
Or a free knife to bring with you at the screening..
Just in case?
Posted by: Magiel at January 24, 2007 10:52 AM
Pure. Genious.
I just had to be the 42nd sycophant to say it! We love you Pajiba!
Posted by: Pajiba fan 4 life at January 24, 2007 11:07 AM
Elevator guy = Max from "Rushmore"
Red head = Lola from "Run Lola Run"
Who is the headband guy?
Posted by: just me at January 24, 2007 11:35 AM
Ok, I actually saw this one a little while ago. It was a horrible chain of events and circumstances that led me to make such an unfortunate choice. And I was massively hung over at the time. Well, at least I felt much better after throwing up...
Posted by: Miramuffin at January 24, 2007 11:45 AM
Headband guy = Shawn from Shawn of the Dead
And he is awesome.
Posted by: Tammy at January 24, 2007 12:09 PM
I
Posted by: lielac20 at January 24, 2007 3:18 PM
You always know it's going to be a great read when the review is for a movie that seems too stupid to be real, and this one didn't disappoint.
Posted by: ecp at January 24, 2007 4:59 PM
*hands you a Kleenex for the bloody eye*
You're a brave man, Rowles.
Posted by: zh at January 24, 2007 6:10 PM
thanks, Tammy! I 'spose I should look him up...
Posted by: just me at January 24, 2007 10:19 PM
Just me, definately check out Shaun of the Dead. Funniest zombie movie EVER!
Posted by: Kim at January 24, 2007 10:36 PM
Oh, honey. I am so sorry.
Posted by: Iris at January 25, 2007 1:34 AM
And if you don't know who the folks at the top of the screen are, you probably don't belong on this site. Also, it's not a headband, it's a necktie and it's Shaun of the Dead, not Shawn.
Posted by: Iris at January 25, 2007 1:39 AM
Who's the chick in the middle with her fists together. Is that Eva Longoria?
On a serious note, I thought Shaun of the Dead was just okay. Entertaining, sure, but nothing I'd watch again. I should note that I never got into the "real" zombie flicks, though.
Posted by: Random Dude at January 25, 2007 8:36 AM
My God man... Some of your reviews are like watching those Japanese gameshows, or the eat-disgusting-shit round in Fear Factor. I want to scream, "I know, there's the prize money to think of, but trust me, it's not enough to eat a bowl of raw, rotting goat testicles!"
I read, because I dare not look away. How do you do this to yourself day after day?
I salute you. You sick masochistic bastard. I salute you.
Posted by: KickInTheAssReturns at January 25, 2007 10:10 AM
IT's sick how bad that movie was, however, my undoubtedly favorite part is when you wanted to die a thousand deaths right now...it just did it for the rest of the review...you guys are getting pretty damn funny now, aintcha..?
Posted by: Gina at January 26, 2007 1:24 AM
So how far did the Dvd fly when you threw it, that is what we really want to know!!!
Posted by: Alli at January 26, 2007 11:52 AM
That damned virginity; somebody should make a film about the difficulty of losing it. Oh, wait.
haha, this was very entertaining. thank you for that.
Posted by: casey at January 26, 2007 1:14 PM
i have become incredibly motivated to do a film like this now, thanks so much Dustin, you are an inspiration to us all...let the Penis Games BEGIN!
Posted by: dustin diamond at January 28, 2007 6:36 PM
I'm so disappointed in Eugene Levy. I LOOOVE him.
Remember him in Splash? SCTV? And of course all his Christopher Guest stuff.
He must owe those American Pie producers his life or something. Maybe they pulled him out of the way of a stampede.
And Christopher McDonald. Remember how sweet he was in Chances Are? Also a great movie for Robert Downey Jr. and Ryan O'Neal.
He does now always play slimy assholes. Like in Dirty Work where he keeps sticking his thumb up that chihuahua's ass to make it yelp.
Posted by: Loob at January 30, 2007 11:30 AM
"How did it end?"
He fixes the cable?
Posted by: Jason at January 23, 2007 08:02 PM
Nice Lebowski reference, Jason. :D
Posted by: Loob at January 30, 2007 11:57 AM
Hey now, Iris- be nice! drew isn't the only one who was wondering who some of those folks are at the top of the page. I am a big cinephile, but even I haven't seen all the cult-love movies out there yet. Pajiba is inclusive, Pajiba loves us all and wants us to learn more about things like Battlestar Galactica and Wes Anderson. Pajiba does not shun us for our naivete.
Posted by: Go Big Red at February 1, 2007 1:40 PM
"Erik sneaks downstairs and pulls out a copy of something called Pussy Palace. I'm guessing the film has something to do with cats."
How did it end?
wot a legend
Posted by: me at February 2, 2007 5:09 PM
I want the rated movie
Posted by: logan gusty at February 5, 2007 3:40 PM
The movie has a number of visual references to the real Naked Mile if you know where to look. Well-lit naked Hollywood wannabes are great, but I prefer the real thing.
Posted by: Barney at February 9, 2007 11:03 AM
funny? if that review was in any way funny then it must be so hilarious that it damaged something inside of me because i'm not laughing at all
Posted by: anonimous nigga at February 12, 2007 11:51 PM
Anybody paying out this movie is obviously missing the point. You know what you're in for if you have heard anything about previous American Pie movies. To critique this self-consciously light hearted and in my opinion hilarious movie in the same way you would some high brow movie is ludicrous. If u have nothing beter to do than pay out a teenage movie because its not as good as your favouite arthouse movie then you are obviously all mindly retarded
Posted by: reviewer at February 28, 2007 2:21 AM
Guys, guys, guys! You need to learn how to appreciate these movies. There's a button on the remote called "fast-forward." Click said button to about 3 or 4x. Once you spot nipple push "play", enjoy, then carry on. Life is too short for crap movies, but rampant nudity can never go on too long. All heil our simple minds!
Posted by: Tony at March 5, 2007 3:24 PM
"To critique this self-consciously light hearted and in my opinion hilarious movie in the same way you would some high brow movie is ludicrous."
Which is exactly why this is a real-time commentary on its various stupidities, and not an actual in-depth analysis and review.
"If u have nothing beter to do"
This is a movie review site. What the hell do you expect them to spend their time doing?
"than pay out a teenage movie because its not as good as your favouite arthouse movie then you are obviously all mindly retarded"
At least they take the time to, you know, write out the word "you."
If you had actually spent any time whatsoever on this site, as opposed to running a Google search and clicking on every Naked Mile link that popped up, you'd notice that the folks here at Pajiba appreciate quite a broad range of movies. They've got a damn Evil Dead poster at the very top of the site, for god's sake, and Dan and Dustin's enthusiasm for Grindhouse helped convince me to go see it.
So much for context, huh?
Posted by: Mentalepsy at May 1, 2007 2:16 PM
