Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here
The Abandoned / John Williams
The title of this horror movie refers to its characters — a Russian brother and sister orphaned when they were only hours old by the murder of their mother — but it also cleverly refers to the script after about page three. The setup is fine, even promising: Marie Jones (Anastasia Hille, who looks like a poor man’s Amy Poehler) is now 40, living in California, and she returns to the country of her birth to investigate her past. She makes her way to a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, and from there she’s driven by a mysterious roughneck many more desolate miles to the house where she was born. By the time they get there, it’s clear that this place makes the hotel in The Shining look like an overbooked Hilton in Times Square. Marie’s driver disappears, and she’s left to take an interminable, flashlight-guided tour of the sprawling old place, well past decay after decades of neglect.
Just when it feels like nothing is ever going to pop out from behind a corner, she comes upon an alternate version of herself, this one wearing cloudy white contact lenses and looking unshowered for several months. As with so many thickheaded characters in such movies, this is apparently Marie’s first sign that maybe the clues she’s looking for about her mother aren’t worth the stench of potential dismemberment that hangs in the air.
Trying to escape, she ends up nearly drowning in a nearby river, rescued by Nikolai (Karel Roden, a homeless man’s Tim Roth), who claims to be her twin brother, drawn to the house for the same reasons. Soon, they encounter his zombie equivalent as well, significantly worse for the wear than Marie’s, shredded and bloody. When Nikolai shoots his approaching “other” in the leg, he himself suffers the same injury, which leads to this helpful speech he gives to his sister after removing the magic bullet and cauterizing the wound:
“Whatever happens to them happens to us.”
Yeah, we saw that.
“Makes it hard to kill them, doesn’t it?”
Jeez, guess so.
“We are haunting ourselves.”
OK, we get it.
And this is one of the smarter stretches of dialogue in The Abandoned, which devolves into a ridiculous string of supernatural occurrences that it doesn’t even attempt to coherently explain. All we know, through Nikolai — and with no clue as to how he knows it — is that at midnight, the long-ago night of their mother’s murder (at the hands of their father) will be recreated, and the twins will be killed, too, as they were originally meant to be.
From there, we’re treated to about seven false endings, each one making less sense than the last. The movie is safeguarded from spoilers, because spoiling it would require understanding what the hell happened.
The colossal stupidity of The Abandoned is doubly frustrating because its esthetic is lo-fi and shabby enough to make for something genuinely scary. It has none of the high sheen that ruins many among the current batch of American horror flicks, but its isolated setting and visual tone are wasted by a complete lack of story and two insufferable main characters.
At one point, sizing up their predicament, Nikolai leans back and solemnly intones, “The house wants us back.”
It can have them.
John Williams lives in Brooklyn. He’s an editor at Harper Perennial and a freelance writer. He blogs at A Special Way of Being Afraid.
Arrested Pajibament | | Astronaut Farmer, The |
Comments
Review aside--and I know I'll be sorry, I'm under no illusions--I will still be slipping this into my Ziplist. I have too insistent a weak-spot for Euro-horror. I just sat through "The Creeping Flesh" and "Circus of Fear" last night, after all.
(Meanwhile maybe it's time to go watch "Mute Witness" again, for Russian-set atmosphere...since "Nochnoi Dozor" is still fresh in my memory.)
Posted by: ranylt at February 24, 2007 12:55 PM
Sounds like something to be missed. Oh well, I was always wondering what a homeless Tim Roth would look like. All he needs now is the stench of 8-day old urine and a bit of feces and the effect will be complete...thanks...I think.
Posted by: ScarletKnight at February 24, 2007 5:44 PM
"The movie is safeguarded from spoilers, because spoiling it would require understanding what the hell happened."
classic.
Posted by: celery at February 25, 2007 9:29 AM
I loved you review, John. It made me laugh heaps, and also abandon any thought of actually seeing this film. So thankyou! :D
Also, when I read this: "It has none of the high sheen that ruins many among the current batch of American horror flicks",
I thought for a moment that it said "bi-atch". :D
"...A homeless man's Tim Roth"! Bahahahaa!
Posted by: Loob at February 25, 2007 1:05 PM
Ranylt, have you seen "Kill Baby, Kill"? You might like it. It's creepy and European. :)
Posted by: Loob at February 25, 2007 1:10 PM
Loob - My yes--long live Bava (figuratively, of course)!
Posted by: ranylt at February 25, 2007 1:52 PM
"... and from there she's driven by a mysterious roughneck..."
Roughneck -- is that like a redneck, only, wearing a 'do rag?
Posted by: dagger at February 26, 2007 9:09 AM
Actually, and not to sound like a dick, but a roughneck is typically someone who works on oil rigs.
Posted by: TK at February 26, 2007 10:24 AM
The term "bi-atch" has already been claimed in the horror/thriller genre, used to such great effect in the cinematic masterpiece (read: utter pointless piece of crap) The Covenant.
Posted by: bartap at February 26, 2007 12:25 PM
"The Abandoned, which devolves into a ridiculous string of supernatural occurrences that it doesn't even attempt to coherently explain."
The end explained it to my satisfaction. The supernatural forces that want her back are playing a game of cat and mouse with her and her brother. This movie plays with the mind of the audience as much as it does with its main characters. The reviewer, probably expecting something more straightforward, just didn't get it. Nothing wrong with that. He admits it himself:
"The movie is safeguarded from spoilers, because spoiling it would require understanding what the hell happened."
For a review by someone who did understand this movie, check out Dread Central's spot on review here.
Posted by: g love at February 26, 2007 3:48 PM
g love:
I was going to say the same thing!
I went to see the movie with two friends, both of whom thought it was just "ok". I was shocked, because I thought it was honestly one of the best horror movies I'd seen (I'm not one for all the gratuitous blood and gore, so the "torture flicks" don't appeal to me).
As it turned out, both of them essentially missed the entire point, which, to me hinged on realizing that
***spoiler alert***spoiler alert***spoiler alert
the man purportedly helping her find out what happened to her mother was actually her dead father luring her and her brother back to the house to finish the murderous rampage that he'd tried to start the day they were born.
***********************************************
Anyways, I thought it was really good, and I couldn't wait to log on to see what they thought at pajiba.com I'm disappointed, kinda wish Dustin had reviewed this one.
Posted by: ginger at February 27, 2007 3:01 PM
haven't seen the film, but i am not going to be quick to dismiss it based on this review because i think nacho's a formidable talent.
i'm assuming the reviewer hasn't seen "aftermath" or "genesis" (who could forget to mention "aftermath"), 2 of cerda's previous short films. if this movie is a smidgen of their caliber, i think it will at least be worth seeing.
"aftermath" is simulataneously repulsive, beautiful, fucking WRONG, and weirdly exciting.
at least this movie didn't star 5 of the WB/CW's top talents. come on...at least give it props for that...
Posted by: idiot dentist at February 27, 2007 11:20 PM
I just got back from seeing this movie and I'm a little disappointed. This review is spot on in my opinion. The movie takes all of these bizarre leaps without explaining why. For example:
*SPOILERS AHEAD*
If the twins had to die as they were originally meant to, then why did the female doppleganger attempt to suck the life out of the female?
If the mother/ghost couldn't get into the truck because the girl was stealing it then the protagonists can affect the ghosts, why could'nt they have attempted to kill their father or save their mother?
Why didn't the girl keep herself from entering the office? If the past version of her self felt the future version hit her as she ran by then the future her could've warned the incarnation from the past.
If the father could touch them, drive them, contact them in the outside world then why did he need them to come to the house of their own free will and what was the purpose of the dopplegangers. And if the dopplegangers were supposed to represent their intended deaths then they should have been children right?
What was up with the tunnel full of water? The twins didn't end up dying in there, nothing happened.
so many questions for such a short movie.
Posted by: Bethany at March 2, 2007 3:46 AM
I don't care what anyone says, I like Karel Roden. And I don't blame him for the shitty script >
Posted by: fan at March 8, 2007 6:39 AM
