10 Worst Blockbusters of All Time
The Pajiba Staff
As the summer blockbuster season approaches — beginning this Friday with the release of Mission: Impossible III — we here at Pajiba thought it would be an interesting departure to reflect on the history of bloated, big-budget spectacles. Looking ahead to this summer’s slate of releases (including, but not limited to, Just My Luck, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties, Click, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Miami Vice, Beerfest, and Poseidon), it can be tempting to drink a half-gallon of Maalox and prematurely decry the degeneration of the American blockbuster. In a culture obsessed with the here and now, it might be easy to forget that Jerry Bruckheimer, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Will Smith, Roland Emmerich, Ben Affleck, and Bruce Willis have been polluting suburban multiplexes for almost a generation. Indeed, for at least the last 10 or 12 years, the studios’ goal in producing summer movies hasn’t been creating a quality product for mass consumption; as Dade Hayes and Jonathan Bing write in Open Wide: How Hollywood Box Office Became a National Obsession, it’s become about designing a megabudget spectacle built to “decimate everything in its path before self-destructing.”
In 2003, the average movie registered 41 percent of its total box-office take in its first weekend, and that portion is certainly higher now. The major studios understand that the formula for success has absolutely nothing to do with quality; it’s about creating enough hype and hiding your film from critics long enough to sneak a $50 million opening past the American public before they realize they’ve been hoodwinked into spending three hours’ wages for two hours of Hulk. Certainly, there have been exceptions to the rule; for every dozen movies like Independence Day or Twister, there is the occasional Bourne Identity, Wedding Crashers, or Pixar film to keep our faith in the studio system alive. But, more often than not, those films that break the $100 million mark are empty spectacles that take more than they give.
It was this thought that inspired us to look back at the history of the blockbuster and reminisce about how we’ve all wasted our money in years past. In ranking the worst blockbusters of all time, each Pajiba staffer nominated 15 films from the pool of 343 with a (non-adjusted) gross of $100 million or more domestically; then we combined our votes with box-office grosses and the overall critical success of those films (as measured by the Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer) to create our list. To be sure, there were a number of worthy candidates that didn’t make the cut, including the two Matrix sequels, Con Air, The Cat in the Hat, The Fast and the Furious, xXx, and Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes. But, in the end, we believe this is a solid list that appropriately reflects the absolute worst of the worst among the top-grossing blockbusters, carefully weighing the money made against the suffering induced, and ranked in order of sheer heinousness. — Dustin Rowles, Publisher
10. The Rock
The Rock holds a special place in my heart: It’s the one movie I’ve wanted to walk out on but couldn’t. I was in college then, and I had gone to see it with a group of friends — friends who, strangely, did not feel compelled to leave after the first 20 minutes — at a theater far from campus. So I was forced to sit through two-and-a-quarter hours of Sean Connery strutting, Nick Cage lumbering, and Anthony Clark (as the queeny “stylist” who left a bitter aftertaste out of all proportion to his miniscule screen time) mincing.
As the second collaboration of Michael Bay and Jerry “Mr. Blockbuster” Bruckheimer, the duo that would go on to inflict Armageddon and Pearl Harbor (both found below) on a sadly compliant public, The Rock is a perfect illustration of the blockbuster paradigm Bruckheimer and his late partner Don Simpson perfected with Beverly Hills Cop I and II, Top Gun, Days of Thunder, and Bad Boys, their first collaboration with Bay: inane, derivative scripts; flashy visuals; and excess testosterone.
Here, Connery, Cage, and Ed Harris — all talented, appealing actors, in other movies — play the flat, unconvincing leads while a prodigious cast of character actors, including David Morse, Philip Baker Hall, John C. McGinley, and the late, great John Spencer, suffer the ignominy of supporting roles. From the preposterous opening scene, in which Harris stands speechifying at his wife’s graveside in the middle of a typhoon, to its Hallmark-card epilogue, nothing in this movie bears any resemblance to reality, or, for that matter, to entertainment. — Jeremy C. Fox
9. Van Helsing
There’s a reason why the Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein, and Dr. Jekyll aren’t tossed together into one movie very often — it’s fucking moronic. But don’t even bother to point this out to Stephen Sommers, who makes films notable for their cross-blending of Indiana Jones-style adventure, monster-movie homage, and ripe human fecal matter — I doubt he’d get the joke.
Van Helsing represents one of the worst kinds of blockbuster formulas: Wantonly bad writing; attractive leads who don’t even bother to act and endure any pretense that will allow them to bear their gleaming, well-toned flesh; and ubiquitous CGI effects that, while painstakingly detailed, somehow look less real than forced-perspective puppets and foam latex.
At least Monster Squad had camp. — Phillip Stephens
8. Pearl Harbor
Bruckheimer and Bay strike again, in their penultimate collaboration (the two haven’t worked together since 2003’s Bad Boys II, though both continue to create insipid crap with others). Pearl Harbor displays just how little film progressed in the 70 years subsequent to Howard Hughes’ early talkie Hell’s Angels — both films weave back and forth between stunning aeronautical feats (in Hughes’ case, all real, in Bay’s, mostly CG) and a hackneyed love-triangle plot.
Sporting Southern accents picked up at Thelma and Louise’s tag sale, Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett are all callow vainglory and macho bonhomie until a dame comes between them. Said dame is played by Kate Beckinsale, who, lovely as she is, displays no particular personality and seems replaceable by any other hot tamale of the era. Fortunately, just when it seems the rivalry for her dewy glances will forever rend the bond between Affleck and Hartnett, World War II comes along to save their friendship. This sappy prelude to the attacks goes on for as long as a normal movie, but why rush when you’ve set aside over three hours to spool out your ungainly melodrama?
With the CG-intensive battle scenes, B&B would like to evoke the horrors of war a la Saving Private Ryan, but this is really a hodgepodge of Titanic and Top Gun and, as with Titanic, the true horror is that a historic catastrophe is treated as nothing more than a backdrop to a tin-eared soap opera. Bay never met a lily he couldn’t gild, and Hans Zimmer’s syrupy orchestral score is just the icing on this goopy cake of prosaic postcard Americana, random slow-motion, endless aerial shots, and a 40-minute sequence of identical CG explosions. — JCF
7. Meet the Fockers
That a joke about the name of its lead character, Gaylord Focker, is referenced at least 24 times in its 115 minutes says about all you need to know about Meet the Fockers. It is an orgy of one-note jokes that outstayed their welcome in its precursor, only to be dragged back out, repackaged with more star power, and re-gifted like a Clay Aiken Christmas CD.
Meet the Fockers may not represent the first time that two of the greatest actors of any generation — Dustin Hoffman and Robert De Niro — have shared screen time, but it’s certainly the worst, and that Barbara Streisand would trade in her Hollywood wattage for a role where she essentially plays Mrs. Roper with a psychology degree is just plain embarrassing. Indeed, the whole Meet the Fockers exercise is empty, tedious, and about as enjoyable as one of the blows to the head that Ben Stiller inevitably suffers in every movie he’s in.
Meet the Fockers does have one thing going for it, however, but even that is empty consolation for most of us: If you relish the opportunity to see how far the mighty have fallen, Fockers offers it in spades. What does it say, after all, that Hoffman, De Niro, and Streisand (who have 18 Oscar nominations and six wins among them) are playing second fiddle to an actor whose most famous onscreen moment involved a wad of his own semen hanging from his ear? — DR
6. Armageddon
This is one of the movies that, for me, acts as a kind of litmus test of intelligence and higher-order thinking. Basically, anyone who likes this movie is at best misguided and at worst an outright moron who should be informed immediately of this film’s utter lack of redeeming qualities and told to keep their love for it a secret, lest people find them out and permanently ostracize them from society. Not even the inexplicable presence of the likable Owen Wilson can make me feel anything but contempt for this film. The third collaboration on this list between director Michael Bay and uber-producer/Faustian role model Jerry Bruckheimer is an exercise in bloated excess and phony emotion, a mix they would take to its extreme later in Pearl Harbor.
For a movie with a $140 million budget, the effects are downright pitiful. The blue, hazy asteroid never conveys the sense of epic scope it deserves, perhaps because Bay’s camera doesn’t hold a shot for more than four seconds. And on an asteroid the size of Texas, how do the separated men regroup? I know that’s a stupid thing to get hung up on, but that’s a lot of land to cover, and trying to reason out the logistics was the only thing that kept me watching in the first place.
Ultimately, not a single thing in Armageddon is emotionally honest, from the animal crackers to the melodramatic martyrdom. Bay’s close-ups of plaques honoring fallen Apollo astronauts are cheap echoes of a kind of nationalism he can never adequately sell; it’s almost like he wants to be Frank Capra, but he’s too cynical to know the difference between American sentiment and making a buck. Armageddon is a blockbuster of the worst kind: pretending to be deep, while reveling in its superficiality. And don’t even get me started on Affleck. — Daniel Carlson
5. Patch Adams
I hate this movie. There’s really no better way to put it. I could start off talking about films on the grand scale of human existence, pouring out prose so purple you wouldn’t even know what I was saying but, when it comes down to it, I just hate this movie so much.
Where to begin? First, kids with cancer need chemo, not clown noses. Second, having Monica Potter’s character get shotgunned is a brutal, cold, alienating turn of events but, the first time I saw the film, I found myself envying her because she took the easy way out, while the rest of us had to sit there and suffer through another preachy, treacly, cloying, saccharine, just damned awful movie from Robin Williams. The man has made 2.5 good movies in his career (Awakenings, Good Will Hunting, and parts of Dead Poets Society), and he thinks that entitles him to shove crap like this down our throats, substituting platitudes for dialogue and cheap audience manipulation for dramatic arcs. By the time the butterfly lands on Patch and heals his spirit, I knew I was watching a masterpiece of awful filmmaking.
I love film. A lot. I think it has the ability to show us the profound beauties of which we as a people are capable, those moments of accidental grace when two characters suddenly stumble into forgiveness or hope or pain or love. It’s a powerful medium, responsible for a unique kind of cultural mindset and nostalgia. And Patch Adams is a desecration of all that, a profaning of the art form to its lowest point.
I don’t know what else to say: I just hate this movie. — DC
4. Titanic
This pretty much sums up everything you need to know about Titanic: While the actual ship sank in about two hours and 40 minutes, the damn movie ran for almost three-and-a-quarter hours. James Cameron’s self-indulgent pet project simply needed that extra half-hour to ensure that the viewers’ souls were sucked completely dry. And that’s why this movie blows. Well, that and Celine Dion. — Seth Freilich
3. Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace
For almost 20 years we waited, pined, and yearned. And then it happened: George Lucas announced that Star Wars — the greatest phenomenon in all of pop culture history — was coming back. Untold throngs went giddy — an honest-to-God cultural fervor erupted, and not just among geeks and thirtysomething fanboys.
And then it sucked. It sucked a gigantic, meaty mountain of ass.
I’m through with living in denial: George Lucas’ prequel trilogy more or less sucked from beginning to end, and nowhere was this risible fiasco more apparent than in Episode I — The Phantom Menace — a title that alone warrants damnation.
I don’t use the word “sellout” often because the term itself has become so cliche, but George Lucas is the absolute definition of the word. He took one of the world’s most beloved science fiction universes and turned it into a goddamn farce: laughable racial caricatures; vile, unsympathetic protagonists who deliver ridiculous dialogue in a manner so stilted that it makes Tara Reid look like Spencer Tracy; and a giant seahorse named Jar Jar who speaks in Antebellum blaccent.
It needs to be said: George Lucas sucks. The years of Brobdingnagian success have clearly addled his brain to the point that he can no longer process reality and realize his material is now wretched dross, and no one dares point it out to him. His second trilogy was the most uncreative endeavor possible: A guaranteed smash-hit with no substance whatsoever, never mind that it cheated and frustrated millions of people. — PS
2. Big Momma’s House
The premise of Big Momma’s House is that our dear friend Martin Lawrence must go undercover by pretending to be Big Momma, a ginormous black grandmother with a fondness for floral-print muumuus. The first time I saw this tripe (in the theater — please don’t ask me why), I fell asleep for about 40 minutes, and that was by far the best part of the whole film. The second time I tried watching it, while preparing to write this blurb, I was forced to turn it off about a half-hour in, out of sheer mental frustration.
The scene that did me in involved Martin/Momma acting as a midwife and trying to use a turkey baster, tongs, and a plunger to deliver the baby. And, quite frankly, it’s a miracle I even made it that far since, at the 10-minute mark of this celluloid disaster, there was a hit-to-the-groin gag followed immediately by a scene where Martin is hiding in a bathtub while the real Big Momma is right on the other side of the shower curtain taking an enormously noisy shit, grunting and uttering things like “Whoooo, stewed prunes going right through me!” Not even Paul Giamatti (as Martin’s FBI partner) or Terrance Howard (as the it’s-hard-out-here-for-a-struggling-actor villain) come anywhere close to saving this wretch. And yet, if you still remain curious about this film, save the rental fee and the 100 minutes of your life and simply stick your head in a toilet for a good minute or two while having a loved one repeatedly kick you in the ass. Trust me; you’ll still come out ahead. — SF
1. Batman & Robin
From the very first exchange between Batman and his sexually ambiguous protege (“I want a car. Chicks dig the car.”/ “This is why Superman works alone.”), Batman & Robin didn’t have a goddamn chance. Written by Akiva Goldsman, the script alone might have warranted its own separate award for inadequacy, so replete was it with puns, mangled idioms, and lazy one-liners that it felt as though it were written by a high-school junior charged with composing yearbook headlines.
As much as George Clooney, tongue firmly in cheek, likes to take credit for the downfall of the franchise’s initial go-round, the fact is, he’s the only one who managed to survive the film unscathed. I mean, lookit: If you don’t count Terminator 3, a film also considered for this list, Batman & Robin basically ended the previously successful film careers of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris O’Donnell, and Alicia Silverstone and, were it not for Quentin Tarantino and his fondness for legs that don’t stop, Uma Thurman might have been perpetually stuck in the six-year rut she was in before the Kill Bill franchise came along and resurrected her star.
It’d be foolish, though, to blame any of the cast members directly for making Batman & Robin the worst blockbuster of all time; incompetence of this magnitude can only be reserved for the George W. Bush of Hollywood directors, Joel Schumacher, a man so feebleminded that, were he charged with directing the war on terror, the entire armed services would be outfitted with Bat nipples (suggesting a new “Don’t ask, don’t need to tell” policy in our military). It is Schumacher, after all, who thought it’d be a swell idea to strip away the best elements in the Batman tradition — dark mythology, sinister mysteries, and the rare comic-book character with a modicum of real-world relatability — and leave only the “BAMS!” “POWS!” and “KABOOMS!” of the campy ’60s TV series, which he amped to unnecessary levels with 125 minutes of zipless zingers, garish colors seemingly pulled from J. Crew catalogues, and, for God’s sake, Coolio (whose own musical career, naturally, stalled after B & R’s release).
Indeed, as Robin so eloquently explained to Poison Ivy in one of the film’s penultimate scenes: “I hate to disappoint you, but rubber lips are immune to your charms.”
If only we were all so immune. — DR
Comments
This is so great. I love having a good laugh before bed, especially after sniffling my way through Howl’s Moving Castle.
I agree with you on most of them, but I will admit, and this is difficult for me - that I have an old VHS copy of Armageddon kicking around in my basement from when I was fifteen. However. I haven’t watched it in years. … can I still come to Pajiba?
I saw Batman & Robin in grade eight - our teacher brought it in, and after ten minutes, I muttered “To hell with this.” and went into the corner with a book. This remains the only movie that I wish not to see George Clooney’s nipples.
Posted by: Mara at May 3, 2006 06:03 AM
Profound. Very profound. Finally a list that I agree completely and totally with. Hell, I think I even felt a tear trickle down my cheek from the strong swelling of emotion caused by the list. I’m sending a link to a former “friend” who called movies like “Citizen Kane” and “The Third Man”…and I quote, “inflated cinematic tripe”. His favorite film of the last ten years? Would you believe….”Pearl Harbor”?!?
Posted by: Wade at May 3, 2006 06:47 AM
Great stuff — I can proudly say that Phantom Menace is the only movie on the list I was suckered into seeing. But then Lucas pretty much snowed everyone with that one.
I have to say that as soon as I saw the topic I assumed that Wild Wild West would make the cut. While, strictly speaking, it may not be the worst movie I’ve ever seen, it’s definitely my least-favorite, if that distinction makes sense. Actually, in the context of this article it should make sense, because while incompetence can be blamed for making a bad movie, it requires cynicism, contempt and intellectual laziness to make a Bad Blockbuster.
Keep up the great work!
Posted by: sansho1 at May 3, 2006 07:54 AM
Simply. I don’t envy you on this task. No one can concieve of, list or give due credit to the stinky, dark residue that fills our cinemas.
That said, it’s time to pontificate.
Why the bloody hell do people keep going?! I mean, we all know that most of what it turned out it total and utter drek. Yet everytime Tom Cruise releases some piece of over hyped, trash (with the help of spielberg naturally) people clamour for a ticket.
You kind of addressed this in your first paragraph but I don’t understand it. I’m begging someone to write it out in simple terms, using short words, that I can understand. I think all of our time would be better spend at the gym, yoga/pilates studio, spinning class, bike trail, rock wall, gun range, lawn darts festival, etc.
Posted by: Mike at May 3, 2006 08:06 AM
Mike, the American people are programmed from their first trip to the store and first Saturday morning in front of the idiot box to be willing (and complacent) victims of marketing.
Posted by: Sheeplewatcher at May 3, 2006 08:39 AM
Wow thank you so much
I admit that when I was 12 I loved the Rock but then we all have skeletons… I love film so much but things like Pearl Harbor actually physically hurt.
Possibly the best Pajiba post in the world
Posted by: Thaf at May 3, 2006 08:57 AM
i feel now feel all warm and fuzzy inside because i hated all of these movies too. fortunately, i haven’t seen most of them from start to finish; these all fall in the Saturday afternoon on TNT/USA/FX category, which means i can turn them off as soon as i feel my soul start to get sucked out through my nostrils. i think the only one i paid to see was B&R, out of misguided loyalty to Clooney.
i would like to mention what i consider to be the worst blockbuster ever: Reindeer Games. after that, no one will ever convince me that Ben Affleck is charming, that Gary Sinese’s agent shouldn’t be banned from Spago forever, or that Charlieze Theron can act her way out of a paper bag.
Posted by: courtney at May 3, 2006 09:38 AM
Great article!!
Mike - I would argue that the reason people keep going is, if you notice, the marketing isn’t saying “this is the best movie ever” it is usually saying instead “this is the movie everyone will be talking about” - people don’t want to be left out of the conversation, even if in the end the conversation goes something like this “Did you see such-and-such blockbuster over the weekend?” “Sure did, did you?” “Yep, it was terrible.” “I know I agree” (conversation continues much like the reviews above)
I mean how many of us have not gone to at least one of these on opening night because it was suppose to be “an event” and in retrospect you realize the content and quality of the movie was almost secondary until you actually sat through it. I myself saw Star Wars Episode I, both because I loved the original and because it was suppose to be such an event and HATED it so much that I just couldn’t bring myself to watch the 2nd and 3rd, even though I heard they did improve after Jar Jar was out of the story line.
Posted by: Kate at May 3, 2006 09:41 AM
what about gigli….or more fondly known as giggly?
A worthy nominee under other circumstances but, with a domestic gross of just over $6 million, Gigli was far from being eligible as a blockbuster. — Editor
Posted by: lilmj at May 3, 2006 09:57 AM
Hilarious list!
I remember in high school, on every extended school trip, at least ONE boy would bring “The Rock” as the movie to watch on the bus. I don’t normally sleep during movies or during busrides, but pop in “The Rock” and I’m out quicker than you can say “It sucks a meaty mountain of ass.”
Posted by: tigi at May 3, 2006 10:01 AM
Quite possibly the greatest post I’ve read on any website in a long time. Someone please Digg this.
Posted by: Matt at May 3, 2006 10:07 AM
I’ve seen about half of these movies (The Rock, Titanic, Armageddon, Phantom Menace, and Batman and Robin) and I HATED them.
Especially Armageddon.
I haven’t seen the other 5 because I knew I would hate them, too.
Thanks for validating my belief.
Posted by: Jaichan at May 3, 2006 10:08 AM
Solid list from 10 to 1. Sad to say, I’ve seen seven of these celluloid atrocities. Phantom Menace has soured me on Star Wars in all its forms. Titanic is only useful to enjoy Leonardo DiCaprio’s death over and over (one of the funniest scenes ever put on film). And Batman & Robin was so bad I was noticing the horrible editing - who catches lazy editing blunders???
Damn you ten movies! DAMN YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!!
Posted by: David at May 3, 2006 10:10 AM
I expected to disagree with several choices because I generally think that people are too hard on blockbusters—not because they don’t deserve all the nasty names they get called, but because they’re being judged on criteria that have nothing to do with the genre.
However, I only disagreed with one choice, Van Helsing, and mostly because I thought that the Mummy Returns was much, much worse. To me, Van Helsing actually seemed like a decent trifle, but that only be because the Mummy Returns was so bad that I wasn’t even going to see Van Helsing until there just was not one other thing at the video store one night. It had big visuals, it felt big, it let me shut my mind off for a little while. It may not have been a birdie, but it was at least a single bogey, maybe even a par.
Posted by: Eep at May 3, 2006 10:24 AM
Love the list man. I humbly submit Last Action Hero to add to your list as well.
Posted by: Mike at May 3, 2006 10:27 AM
Eep, I have to disagree. My boyfriend insisted on renting Van Helsing, much to my dismay, because he loves cheesy action movies to a degree I cannot comprehend. Well, of course I hated it - I thought it was completely idiotic and uninvolving, even by the standards of the Mummy movies, both of which I’d seen. But the remarkable thing is that even my boyfriend loathed it - since then it’s become a running joke around our house. Whenever he wants to rent something that looks just awful, I remind him of the Van Helsing fiasco, and it’s usually enough to shut him right up.
Great list, Pajibers, but what about Forrest Gump? Or Contact? You’ve completely overlooked the Zemeckis oeuvre!
Posted by: Tim at May 3, 2006 10:30 AM
Ewwwwwwwww, The Rock.
Posted by: David at May 3, 2006 10:34 AM
While the writing in The Rock may not be up to par with the talents of some of its actors, it does have a GREAT(albeit totally unrealistic) chase scene with a Hummer and a Ferrari.
Posted by: Rachel at May 3, 2006 10:35 AM
Perhaps we could replace Van Helsing with the Avengers? The limpest blockbuster I can remember off the top of my head…
A very good nominee — so freaking dull that, watching it, I kept waiting to feel like there was a movie playing. But, again, this one is disqualified by its paltry $23 million domestic gross. — Editor
Posted by: Eep at May 3, 2006 10:37 AM
Extend the list to the top twenty. Please.
(And, lilmj, I imagine that the reason Gigli didn’t make the list is that, IIRC, it didn’t make money. All of the blockbusters above actually raked in some cash whereas, after all the hype, Gigli made no impact whatsoever - except perhaps a dull thud at the box office.)
Posted by: JTL at May 3, 2006 10:43 AM
hmmm 4 of these don’t belong on this ‘worst’ list. But I guess you’re entitled to your opinion. I’m sorry you feel that way. You seem bitter. That is all.
Posted by: A at May 3, 2006 10:46 AM
I remember when Titanic first came out - anyone who looked at the film the wrong way was issued a death threat. The reviewer from our local paper, who gave the movie 1 1/2 stars, received so much hate mail that she felt compelled to write an article a few months later where she tried to explain the subjectiveness of movies, and apologized for not enjoying as much as (apparently) everyone else in the world. I myself lost a dear friend for calling the movie tripe.
How it does my heart good to see Titanic on your list.
Posted by: ormond at May 3, 2006 10:47 AM
You know, I’m a film student and big time pretentious film snob, but man, do I love The Rock. I can’t explain it, I just do, and I kinda feel bad about it.
Rest of the list though? Gold. I think I may still have cavities from Patch Adams. It’s the second sappiest film I’ve ever seen, beaten only by Pay it Forward.
Posted by: Alex at May 3, 2006 10:49 AM
My bad, I just kind of skipped past the criteria and dove right into the list. I was wondering what Patch Adams and Meet the Fockers were doing on a “Blockbusters” list. That makes sense now.
Tim I talked to one of my buddies and he liked Van Helsing as well, so it’s 3-2 now (counting Pajiba as one vote).
Posted by: Eep at May 3, 2006 11:05 AM
Agreed with a good 80% of this list. Might I suugest:
- Die Hard 2
- Back to the Future 2
- Unbreakable
- Fahrenheit 9/11
All four, incontrovertible dog shit.
Posted by: brutus at May 3, 2006 11:19 AM
My addition: Independence Day - Yuck!
Posted by: jali at May 3, 2006 11:27 AM
The only thing that makes me sad is the recurring presene of Kate Beckinsale on here. She used to do GOOD movies (see: Shooting Fish, Cold Comfort Farm, BBC version of Emma) but now she has become this bizarro blockbuster whore. So sad.
Posted by: Anne at May 3, 2006 11:30 AM
I think I want to marry you - or maybe just have your babies. My friends always shake their head in bewilderment when I mention how atrocious “Star Wars I” was (and “Episode II” - I never even bothered with the last one). IT SUCKED. And thank you for having the guts to put it in print. I also loathed “Lord of the Rings”… too manipulative for my taste - and what was with all the constant musical crescendos??? Enough already. However, “The Phantom” and “Rat Race” are the only movies I ever walked out of. I was bored enough to buy the tickets, but not masochistic enough to stay.
Posted by: petra at May 3, 2006 11:37 AM
The worst Star Wars was episode III. I became physically ill and left the theater.
Posted by: Duncan at May 3, 2006 11:38 AM
How about a list of the worst over-rated movies of all time? Movies that the critics loved but actually were, to quote Wade’s friend, “inflated cinematic tripe.”
Posted by: Pammeey at May 3, 2006 11:41 AM
Did you know that Joel Schumacher started his career as a window dresser for Halston in New York? I’m not going for the obvious pun here.
It would be wrong.
Posted by: bitter b at May 3, 2006 11:46 AM
Very good choices. Funny how we gravitate toward “worst” lists of any kind. I have never enjoyed a “best” list, too boring.
If you put together every good scene or plot point from all three Star Wars prequels, you would get almost 20 minutes of film. Cartoon Network did better in “Clone Wars”, and I think Lucas knows that.
Posted by: wavemaven at May 3, 2006 11:48 AM
I can’t believe Patch Adams made enough money to reach Summer Blockbuster status. That movie made me feel as though I had ingested a bowl of grease…I feel kind of sick just thinking about it.
I’m ashamed to say it, but the frilly, girly part of me loves Titanic. I have a HUGE girl crush on Kate Winslet, she can do no wrong in my eyes, even when she is distorted through the lens of James Cameron.
Oh, and I’d like to submit Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. That movie was so bad that all my friends left the room, while I continued to sit and “drink through it”. I ended up passed out on the floor, and woke with the vague feeling that I’d been violated.
Posted by: redkitten at May 3, 2006 11:54 AM
Love this list. Awesomely funny. Although, I hate to admit this, but I love Armageddon. Not because it’s a good movie, but because it’s the best of the Bay/Bruckheimer films ever for it’s complete and utter devotion to cheese. But that’s OK, at least I know that it sucks.
Posted by: Jodi at May 3, 2006 11:58 AM
In high school I was obsessed with the Smashing Pumpkins and Billy Corgan. I saw Batman and Robin because they had a song on its soundtrack. I tried and I tried but my blind 17 year old devotion to Billy just could not wipe the stink off that film. “The Iceman Cometh,” yikes thats some bad dialogue.
Oh god, why did I just remember that?
Speaking of being a 17 year old girl, while I wholeheartedly agree with you now about Titanic (girl crushes on Kate Winslet aside) my 17 year old self would have fought you to the death over its inclusion on this list. You know that movie was buoyed (hee!) up by starry-eyed girls like me, who attended the showing over and over (four times in my case) so we could cry on each others shoulders and bemoan the lack of romance in our teenaged lives. That movie was like crack for us.
Posted by: Theresa at May 3, 2006 12:10 PM
Thank god, I’m not the only one who REALLY REALLY HATES TITANTIC. What a terrible movie. I remember watching it as a kid after it came out on video and thinking, “This is total tripe. Someone please blind me or something so I can STOP WATCHING THIS.”
I hate Leonado, I hate the movie, I hate it all. So much anger!
Posted by: Alexandra at May 3, 2006 12:11 PM
I have a methodology objection here. I’m not sure we can ascribe “worst” to a list of movies that make absolutely no attempt to be great. It’s like the lazy movie reviewers who criticize Schwartzenegger’s lack of acting talent. There’s a reason Schwartzenegger isn’t cast in Hamlet - his job is to flex and deliver corny one-liners.
Movies on the list above, such as Titanic and Pearl Harbor, certainly deserve their spot because the directors/producers/etc. obviously were trying to create something artistic and they failed miserably.
However, The Rock and Armageddon, both of which have severe acting and plot limitations, are not intended to be anything more than mindless explosions and Steve Buschemi being a smart-ass.
Snakes on a Plane will suck. The acting will be terrible. The plot will make no sense. That’s not the point. The point is that there are snakes on the motherfu**ing plane!
Posted by: James at May 3, 2006 12:11 PM
Sadly, I’ve seen each and every one of these pimples on the face of cinema. But have you forgotten:
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Alexander
Unbreakable
The Village
And being a die-hard Star Wars fan, I still mourn the demise of that franchise. George Lucas, you should be ashamed of yourself. Your universe had all the potential in the world, and you traded it in for crappy CG effects and Jar Jar Binks.
Posted by: erin at May 3, 2006 12:48 PM
Excellent list and well written to boot.
Just a question though - you don’t consider The Birdcage among the good Robin Williams movies?
Posted by: Elle at May 3, 2006 12:56 PM
James, I will agree and disagree with you.
Agree: There is a different criteria. Blockbusters, by definition, strive simply for profitability, making the most marketable and explosive spectacle possible.
Disagree: You can still make a spectacle watchable and/or tolerable, but all of the above listed most certainly are neither.
Posted by: j at May 3, 2006 12:57 PM
I was just old enough to be in that I-don’t-want-to-do-it-if-everybody-else-does teenage girl phase when Titanic was released in theatres. Now I’m more proud than ever to say I’ve never seen it.
I’ve also never seen Patch Adams, but who in their right mind would? Enough people saw that in theatres to make it a blockbuster? Disgusting.
Posted by: Anne at May 3, 2006 12:57 PM
side note:
I’m both happy and sad that I sat through 4 of the 10 listed, but I feel a certain pride that I have never let Titanic sully my eyes and cerebral cortex. shudder
Posted by: j at May 3, 2006 12:59 PM
great list. It reminded me how much I hated those movies (mind you I nver went to see The Rock, because I just knew I’d hate it!) The only movie I have ever fell asleep at was a James Bond Movie, cant remember the title anymore it was the late 80’s it was Timothy Dalton, and it was the worst movie in the world.
ps. what about “World According to Garp” that’s not a bad R. Williams movie, is it?
Posted by: elmack at May 3, 2006 01:04 PM
All the names on the list are worthy examples of cinematic garbage…
but may I add,
Godzilla - Just horrific on every level.
Independence Day - Awful
Wild Wild West - kill me now
The Specialist - I wish they’d cut the wrong wire
Waterworld - Ugh
Robin Hood Prince of Thieves - please god, no
The Bodyguard - Kev knocks back the trifecta
The Flintstones 1&2 - Stephen Baldwin and Rosie… in a film…at the same time
Twister - Helen Hunt…sucks, as does the “film”
The Fifth Element - I could cry
Alien Resurrection - euthanize the franchise plz
Deep Impact - Frodo runs from asteroid
The Mummy - mummify Brendan Fraser permanently.
Planet Of The Apes - Marky Mark and primates.
Ghost - The horror, the horror
Posted by: JR at May 3, 2006 01:05 PM
So what was it with Titanic? It couldn’t have just been 17-year-old girls. 17-year-old girls don’t control the Oscars.
Or do they?
Posted by: ormond at May 3, 2006 01:08 PM
The question of why people still go to movies like this is an interesting one. I do think there is a level of conformity to marketing (“Look! WCRP Radio said this is ‘not…to be missed!’ And it stars that lovable scamp from SNL!”). I also think there is a certain amount of desire for brainlessness, for lack of a better term. For the general movie-going public, I imagine a trip to the cinema is supposed to be a fun outing — a date, a break from a crappy job, a chance to sit in air-conditioning and eat snacks without thinking too much. With the price of a movie ticket as high as it is, I suspect many people, when they finally do go to the theater, simply want to be entertained. So if Big Studio Movie X has explosions and pretty people, why not? I also am convinced that there is an availability issue. Thought-provoking, challenging, artistically rewarding films are often those with the least studio and marketing support, and rely on small art house theaters for distribution. Unless you are in a place like New York City, how is one expected to filter out the crap and see genuinely well-made films if they simply are not available?
I am optimistic, however, that declines in box office revenue will push studios not to blindly green light crap films they will then shove down the public’s throat. It seems that the public, to a small extent, is beginning to wise up.
P.S. Thanks to Pajiba for the consistently excellent reviews.
Posted by: Megan at May 3, 2006 01:14 PM
I agreed with all the entries — especially “Titanic” (God, how I hate that piece of offal). Yep, when you’re on the Titanic, you need to be pursued by a guy with a gun because being on the Titanic while it’s sinking isn’t enough freaking peril.
However, though “Van Helsing” sucked balls, it is also hysterically funny. I laughed so hard my ribs hurt. It is the most unintentionally hilarious movie of all time. It even beats “Showgirls.”
Posted by: clspector at May 3, 2006 01:21 PM
what about Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes remake. I mean marky mark and apeman Lincoln.
Posted by: molly malloy at May 3, 2006 01:26 PM
You may villify the Bay/Bruckheimer partnership all you wish, because its totally justified. But I can’t let go of my love for the Bad Boys movies. I don’t know why. It makes me feel bad inside, but there you have it.
Fully agreed with those on this list Ive seen. Van Helsing was so bad that I almost walked out several times, but every time I started to gather my coat and purse, Jackman would remove his shirt. And I’d sit back down. I’m so weak.
I’d also like to agree with commenters who said Wild Wild West and Alexander, but the only movie I actually did walk out of was Shallow Hal. I don’t know if it qualified as a blockbuster, but that movie was like razorblades on my eyes.
Posted by: Gwen at May 3, 2006 01:27 PM
“The man has made 2.5 good movies in his career (Awakenings, Good Will Hunting, and parts of Dead Poets Society)…”
What about Insomnia, One Hour Photo, and The Birdcage? Isn’t that enough to push it up to 5, or at least 4.5?
Though, to be fair, he has made many many more bad movies than good ones.
Posted by: Tim at May 3, 2006 01:39 PM
“This is one of the movies that, for me, acts as a kind of litmus test of intelligence and higher-order thinking. Basically, anyone who likes this movie…should be informed immediately of this film’s utter lack of redeeming qualities and told to keep their love for it a secret, lest people find them out and permanently ostracize them from society”
Dear Pajiba, I love you.
Posted by: Peter at May 3, 2006 01:45 PM
Thank you for supporting my Anti-Robin Williams case. The man makes me want to crawl out of my skin and die.
Posted by: Meg at May 3, 2006 01:53 PM
Second on the Most Overrated List, that would be a great list to see.
And second on the “I was forced to watch Titanic on rent, hated it. Although, to be fair, the previous eight or so months of sickening hype, and junior-high-school-girl hysterics surrounding the film soured me against it for all eternity, a good half-year before I saw it. It wouldn’t have mattered if Titanic were a marvel of modern filmaking, I still would have said freezing was too good for them.
Of course it wasn’t.
Ripping off Bob Dylan lines in a film set in 1912…OK.
I know that it is very much in vogue now to say how much you hated Titantic (or any of these films, that just happens to be the only one I’ve seen), when it was first released, but I also remember the way that my friend was utterly livid when I bemoaned the fate of some crashing plates over the doomed lovers, and responded with ‘pfft’, when asked how I was enjoying the movie. I remember how I was regarded as a pariah when I cautioned Affleck not to eat those crackers after being regailed with stories about his exploits with Liv Tyler.
Anyhoo, no point, I was just thinking is all
Posted by: M at May 3, 2006 01:55 PM
I am shocked, only one Ben Affleck movie made it.
Posted by: Eric Walker at May 3, 2006 01:56 PM
Why is crap -ever- made?
Because empty, disgusting people
with too much money and too little passion
line up to suck the cinematic cock.
You may call that a simpleminded answer…
but compare it to the -question-!
Posted by: HairlessMonkeyDk at May 3, 2006 01:56 PM
I was also thinking, if you do the rudimentary math, I’m sure I’m not the first, you’ll find that the girl Rose would have been sixteen when the movie took place (the film came out in ‘97, and since I would guess the setting of the latter bit of the film was supposed to have occurred contemporaneously with the release, the 101-year-old woman would have been born in 1896).
Why is getting plowed in the back seat of a car more romantic in 1912 than it is for a sixteen-year-old girl to get nailed by a guy she’s only known for a few days in the back seat of a ‘79 Camaro. AND she was engaged? That’s skank-tacular. Sorry to obsess, but that film was so ass.
Posted by: M at May 3, 2006 02:00 PM
I hate Robin Williams so much! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for eloquently trashing him and (just) one of his horrible movies. I will never see Patch Adams even though it must be screened frequently in Hell. Still, my inability to escape the initial promotional blitz was enough of the movie to make me hate it and despise Robin Williams even more than I already did. Since I was confronted with posters of that movie at every turn, contemplative thoughts of its star actually began tormenting my brain. I mean, wasn’t the red nose he wears in the promo shots a crude allusion to Robin William’s giddy coke habit?
Posted by: Klek at May 3, 2006 02:19 PM
Godfather III should be on the list…
Posted by: alison at May 3, 2006 02:29 PM
This was a great article. I know it’s been said but I would swap out The Rock which while bad does not measure up to Independence Day as far as absolute shit is concerned.
I think just about anything with Will Smith is absolute shit. Amongst my friends and I the line “Welcome to Erf!” has entered the lexicon to denote something or someone extremely stupid.
Posted by: wandereraz at May 3, 2006 02:51 PM
I have to concur about The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. When they introduced Nemo’s assistant and he said “call me Ishmail” I looked at my husband and said this is going to be a loooooooong film.
Posted by: Odette at May 3, 2006 03:05 PM
Loved the article, but I will have to weigh in along with some of the other posters and say that blockbusters that were meant to be taken seriously and sucked deserve more ire than those that were obviously meant to be fluff from the start.
Alexander being a wonderful example. How anyone could make such a snoozer out of one of the most interesting stories from history is really puzzling. A Hearts of Darkness style documentary should be made on the subject.
Posted by: mk at May 3, 2006 03:07 PM
Wandereraz - I know for a FACT that you liked Enemy of the State, a Will Smith movie. I’ll give you he’s in a lot of bad movies, but EOTS was pretty decent as was Six Degrees of Separation. Yes, he’s gone sorely astray…(MIB I & II SUCK ASS… and they’re both snoozers to boot…I’d like to nominate those for worst Blockbusters…how cute…WS even wrote song and starred in a MIB music video…yuck).
Posted by: janiac at May 3, 2006 03:25 PM
cheers to the Swift allusion on Lucas, the man is a gigantic cunt, relative only in size to the Brogdignagian’s
Posted by: Brandt at May 3, 2006 03:43 PM
Awwwww…..you couldn’t find any room in your list for the cinematic LSD migraine that was The Cat in the Hat? ‘Preciate you mentioning it at all as a contender, but GOD, I’d sit through Titanic forty gazillion times before I’d see that seizure-inducing spawn of Satan again. It was my turn to babysit my neice, and having some idea of what I was getting into, TCITC marks the first time that I have done so dead drunk. It wasn’t the tequila that made me sick, folks, it was the movie.
Very funny read, this list. Although I have only seen four of the films, I’m sure its accurate. My sci-fi loving dad looked closer to tears than I have ever seen him after Phantom Menace. I was just pissed of for all of the reasons so insightfully listed above. However, owning ovaries, I have a slight soft spot for Titanic, though I would never argue that it deserved the accolades it got. I would also argue, on behalf of all of us children of Hippies, that Meet the Fockers wasn’t entirely as bad as mentioned above. When you are raised by touchy-feely liberals who often volunteer TMI, especially that of a sexual nature, you relate to MTF much more. And I love La Streisand, even though the thing about Mrs. Roeper was absolutely true.
Posted by: MaiGirl at May 3, 2006 03:58 PM
Great list. Armageddon sucked the high hard one. I remember getting into an argument with a buddy about how much I hated that movie. He loved it!
And as far as Titantic goes, well, after 3 hours of that crap I’m glad the ship sank….
Posted by: Bray at May 3, 2006 04:09 PM
Janiac - Read more closely. I said “just about anything” not everything. I happen to know for a FACT that YOU list Meet the Fockers as one of your faves on your myspace profile. That’s #7 up up there in case it slipped your mind. ;)
Posted by: wandereraz at May 3, 2006 04:09 PM
During the most “dramatic” part of Unbreakable, my friend actually fell out of his seat laughing. In the theater. It was so.. bad… How come neither Matrix II or III made it? I almost died laughing at those. Except during Trinity’s death scene, which took so long I fell asleep. And then woke up. And it was still going on.
Posted by: h at May 3, 2006 04:10 PM
The reason we keep gawking at these bloated corpses that keep washing ashore is that when a blockbuster works its an awesome thing. Think Terminator 2. I remember standing in line for HOURS to see it. The anticipation was high and it did not disappoint. What most of the above movies have in common is a deep cynisism and joylessness on the part of the filmmakers. Crap can be glorious if you believe in it and love it. That’s why I must object to the inclusion of Titanic. Say what you will about the particulars (crappy soap opera story, etc.) but I believe that Cameron had a real regard for the event and tried to tell the story in a way that related the events on a human scale (these were real people! Poor people got screwed! That’s a big-ass ship! This water’s really cold!)
Posted by: mariaaaaa at May 3, 2006 04:15 PM
I feel a little dirty defending Robin Williams’ career, thankfully I’m not the only one. What about The Fisher King?
Posted by: Dani at May 3, 2006 04:30 PM
I read through the list, then began reading through the comments section, and suddenly with a distinctly acidic sensation of horror did I realize that I have seen nine out of ten movies mentioned above.
It’s my mother’s fault. Her taste in film is OK, but she works at a library and insists on bringing home nearly every cinematic turd that comes to graces those shelves. Which means that I have seen a lot of crap. A lot.
The only redeeming feature of the new Star Wars trilogy would be the ease with which they may be heckled. The jokes practically write themselves, especially in the third one.
Posted by: antoinette jeanine at May 3, 2006 04:47 PM
Thank you very much for including Titanic on that list. I can now show my wife empirical data that proves how much that movie sucks ass.
There are too many assed-out movies in the world to include them all, but my list would have included Blues Brothers 2000, which is a sacriledge to the spirit of the original. I would like to strangle Akroyd for desecrating the memory of Belushi with that bit of garbage.
Posted by: bob at May 3, 2006 04:53 PM
what hurts most is that I’ve seen EVERY ONE of these fuckers. That sucks.
Posted by: TK at May 3, 2006 04:54 PM
I forgot that the list was just for blockbusters, which clearly BB2000 was not. My hatred for the movie momentarily clouded my rational thought.
Sorry about that one. Carry on.
Posted by: bob at May 3, 2006 04:56 PM
Wandereraz - I have no problem with Meet the Fockers…in fact I don’t think it should be on this list as A LOT of the films people have suggested as Worst Blockbusters far surpass MTF in supreme idiocy, drivel, innaneness and a sheer waste of writing and acting talent category. It’s the one movie I think shouldn’t be on this list. I think that DeNiro, Streisand and Hoffman looked like they were having a blast filming that movie. None of them were shooting for an Oscar…and pu-leez…I can think of other films that each of those actors have been in that are downright pitiful…Yentl, anyone? Outbreak? 15 Minutes? Ick.
Posted by: janiac at May 3, 2006 05:38 PM
I saw The Rock on my first and last date with a very hot guy. I had to tell him no way because he laughed at all the lame jokes, and thoroughly enjoyed the movie. I felt like real wanker at the time for dumping the most attractive man who’d ever asked me out.
But this article has completely restored my faith in myself.
It’s a pity that Bicentennial Man was such a flop, because I fucking HATED that movie…
Posted by: Anonymous at May 3, 2006 05:44 PM
I hate Ben Afflack. I HATE him. For what he, Michael Bay, and others like them have done to American Cinema…..It is unforgivable.
I will admit, Titanic made me cry.
I was 13, it was forgiveable.
Posted by: marissa at May 3, 2006 06:11 PM
Phantom Menance did have one good thing - Darth Maul (what a subtle name). And of course, the one good thing’s killed off. Also, creepy Amidala in love with a kid half her age. Ick
Posted by: someone at May 3, 2006 06:11 PM
When I was a freshman in college, I worked at Blockbuster. The night Titanic came out on Video we stayed open an extra hour to sell the videos after midnight. We used cardboard refrigerator boxes to turn the checkout stand into the front of the boat, dressed in costume, had a harp player, fake champagne, about seventy five people in line by 11:30pm and several girls crying because it was just too overwhelming to be this close to watching that movie again. No real point to sharing this story except that it sticks in my memory as the worst experience I have ever had at a job, even topping getting threatened by an unstable nutjob I had to fire.
Thanks for the free therapy.
Jennifer
Posted by: Jennifer at May 3, 2006 06:18 PM
Alex I’m with you. There is a special place in my heart for The Rock for some unknown reason. I know I shouldn’t like it…but I can’t help it!
Titanic- ick! To this day I haven’t seen it.
Posted by: Urs at May 3, 2006 06:18 PM
Greetings. Long time reader, first time poster (what can I say, it’s a good list and people’s responses have made me want to respond in turn).
Anyway, I’m glad to see “Titanic” on this list. I have to admit (we all do, indeed, have our skeletons) that when the movie first came out I bought into the hype. I wept like a little girl at the end of the film and went back for more. Interestingly, though, on that repeated viewing I could feel James Cameron tugging at my heart strings and pushing the right buttons to elicit the “correct,” weepy reaction. I hated him and his bloated, pus-filled guano bag of a movie for it. How anyone survived their involvement in THAT project is beyond me.
I have to say, though, I am an apologist for Episode I. Don’t ask me why, because I know it’s not a good film (although if you ask me, Episode II, at least technically, is worse. I mean, have you noticed the editing/pacing? And how all the CG sets look like claustrophobic, well, sets?), but every time I see it, even with a critical eye, I enjoy it (and Jar Jar is certainly more tolerable than a damned Ewok, in my opinion).
Now, where’s Con Air? That was MUCH worse than The Rock, however intolerable THAT piece of junk was.
Posted by: Armando at May 3, 2006 06:24 PM
“Just a question though - you don’t consider The Birdcage among the good Robin Williams movies?”
Let a gay guy field this one: “Um… no.”
The Birdcage was every bit as contrived and insulting as “Will and Grace.” There were no characters, just characterizations — and piss-poor characterizations at that. The entire premise is patronizing and offensive: “We as parents will pretend to be something we really aren’t so our son won’t be too ashamed of us.” Fuck. That. I wouldn’t recommend this movie to line a birdcage. Feh!
Posted by: Craig at May 3, 2006 06:29 PM
Holy shit! I just scrolled through everyone’s comments and am totally shocked that no one has mentioned Charlie’s Angels yet. Those both sucked from the bottom of Drew’s Barrymore’s inability to act to the top of the whole physics be damned, dim witted ,square eyed, fuck tard stunts. I’ve always dug Crispin Glover but it’s always been more for the comedic value of his raving lunacy rather than anything else. All in all they were both painful moving going experiences from start to finish.
Posted by: wandereraz at May 3, 2006 06:37 PM
Oh I just can’t resist…
No one’s mentioned “The Passion of the Christ.” Sure, the cinematography is pretty and I like some of the set designs and think that Jim Caveziel deserves some recognition for acting covered in make-up that makes him look, to quote the folks over at Mr. Cranky, “like (he) was tenderized with a jackhammer…” and in Aramaic to boot! But man, is that movie ever BAD. Not only are characters never introduced, thus alienating any member of the audience who is not familiar with Christian stories, but there is virtually no tension (you KNOW how it ends) and its whole purpuse seems to be an excuse to watch a guy undeservingly (at least according to the original stories. I’ll be damned—no pun intended—if you can tell whether or not Jesus deserved his fate from the way the story is told on film) tortured to death.
And if that wasn’t enough, Mel Gibson gives us what, to me, is the funniest unintentionally funny moment on film in the last decade: the tear-drop of God. Man, I almost laughed my ass off at that one until I realized that the more religiously-inclined people weeping around me in the theater would rise up and beat me to a pulp had I done so!
Posted by: Armnado at May 3, 2006 06:40 PM
I just have to say that I love Titanic. It made me laugh harder than any movie I can think of—I know I shouldn’t laugh at all the death and lost love—but it is really funny. The dialog is absolutely craptastic and the last hour or so makes me laugh so hard I cry. I can’t be the only person who feels this way—can I?
Posted by: PQ at May 3, 2006 06:45 PM
This is one of the movies that, for me, acts as a kind of litmus test of intelligence and higher-order thinking. Basically, anyone who likes this movie is at best misguided and at worst an outright moron…
My freshman year of college on a date to the movies I was trying to engage my date in the usual get-to-know-you chitchat while we were waiting in line for our tickets. It was a blind date, but my friend who’d set me up on it told me my date had been around southern Asia in the army and that I should ask him about his experiences because he had lots of stories. When I tried asking him about his experiences in southern Asia and what the countries were like all he could manage to say was, “it’s different there.” So I tried a different tack. I asked about his favorite movie. He said Armageddon. His reason? “Because Liv Tyler is fuckin’ hot.” This pretty much sums up the quality of his conversation the rest of the evening. There was no second date. And I never let that friend set me up on a blind date again.
Posted by: Amanda at May 3, 2006 06:49 PM
Craig-
Wasn’t the whole point of the Birdcage that they SHOULDN’T have been acting differently? That’s what I got at any rate.
Personally, I loved it, although I’m not sure that Robin Williams was acting his socks off.
How cool is it that the guy who played the son wrote Capote?
Posted by: Eep at May 3, 2006 06:58 PM
Watching the guy hit the propeller was my breaking point and the looks of disbelief and irritation at my nerve to laugh, only set me for a much more comedic enjoyment. God Bless, James Cameron. Only one so blessed could come up with something so unintentionally funny.
Posted by: ScarletKnight at May 3, 2006 07:32 PM
LOL, we need an “I Hated Titanic” support group. So glad to know I’m not the only one.
Spiderman 2 blew chucks, I don’t understand how it ever made a dime.
Posted by: sec at May 3, 2006 08:00 PM
I have to add a comment about Armagedon. There is the scene where Bruce willis is about to die and we are supposed to cry. But how could we cry? Its Bruce Willis Dying. What could be funnier than that?
Posted by: Aaron at May 3, 2006 08:58 PM
We had to watch “Patch Adams” in high school about three times. And after the first time I just faked sick and went home. Thank you for sharing my hatred of it.
P.S. “Batman & Robin” would have ruled if they’d kept the part where Uma Thurman kills Elle McPherson in a knife fight.
Posted by: jakey at May 3, 2006 09:07 PM
I love titanic. It may be the best summer blockbuster of all time.
I’ve only seen two minutes of it though. It’s as the boat is sinking, and Kate and Leo are hanging off the top, and there’s this guy hanging below them, and a bunch of people being to fall off the ship. Then this guy falls. And as he’s falling you see this thing (a chimney? exhaust pipe?) coming up from behind him, and you’re like “No way is he going to hit that.” And then BOOOM and the little fucker is spinning like a top. Whenever anyone mentions titanic it makes me think of that moment and I crack up laughing. Because of that moment titanic will always remind me of two things totally unrelated to the movie: a Chris Rock quote, “Look at them rims. THEY SPINNING THEY SPINNING!” and a Mitch Hedburg quote, “I didn’t yell fore. I was too busy thinking theres no way its going to hit him.”
Posted by: DS_McWerp at May 3, 2006 09:17 PM
For my part, I enjoyed Birdcage, but I can understand Craig’s point. I’ll just have to count it as a guilty pleasure. And yeah, Independence Day needs to be up here. And yeah, I liked The Rock. I just have a vast tolerance for movies with Sean Connery.
Posted by: Andre at May 3, 2006 10:24 PM
Tater is glad that he did not buckle under pressure to watch the prequels done by the despicable George Lucas.
Some of Taters fondest memories are of the first 100 times he saw the original Star wars. Tater thought that anything that came out of George Lucases buttocks was manna from heaven….
Then…. Howard the Duck….. It has been almost 20 years and Tater is still not over it… He still has nightmares of that cutie from Back to the Future snogging a Duck… shudder…
Posted by: tater at May 3, 2006 11:21 PM
4 Great movies on there, don’t know who made this list, but it’s a pretty poor one.
Also, I wouldn’t consider Meet the Fockers, Patch Adams, or Big Momma’s House as Blockbuster movies.
Posted by: JohnnyG at May 3, 2006 11:22 PM
Me again…
…I’ve received a call from my friend: the one who’s favorite flick is “Pearl Harbor”. Basically said that this could easily have been his own “Top Ten Favorite” list. What’s truly frightening is, HE IS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY SERIOUS! On top of daringly criticizing my and my wife’s love for movies like “Vertigo”, “The Godfather”, “The Third Man”, he went on to try to walk me through “Armageddon” and impress upon me how top-notch the directing, the editing, the acting (with special emphasis on Ben Affleck, upon which I laughed so hard I hacked up a hairball). Guess he won’t be coming by this weekend to see my new dvd of “Young Mr. Lincoln”.
Posted by: Wade at May 3, 2006 11:44 PM
I’m not sure if it qualifies as a Blockbuster, but I do remember absolutely hating The English Patient. Dull, dull, sappy, predictable, pretentious and not at all original. Or maybe I’ve just read too many books. Yet, it screwed Oscar over and over again.
Posted by: Carla at May 3, 2006 11:53 PM
You mentioned the Hulk but didn’t include it in your list. It certainly belonged there. Taking what could and should have been a pulse-racing story and turning it into a tortured, interminable psychodrama was a crime. One of the crappiest movies ever. You should’ve heard the comments I overheard from the audience as we fled the theatre. People weren’t just disappointed, they were angry at the load of shit they had just suffered through. Otherwise, good list. Armageddon was as bad as a movie can possibly be.
Posted by: Tony at May 4, 2006 12:00 AM
“callow vainglory and macho bonhomie” …
Oh god. I think I just came …
Posted by: Kitty X at May 4, 2006 12:30 AM
Linked here from Idon’tlikeyouinthatway.com, usually avoid the reviews because i usually decide whether i’m gonna like a movie (duh?! movie critics are pointless). This is the kinda list made by a funny, quippy, daily show kinda guy who wasn’t good at sports at all except for something lame like maybe frisbee or raquetball. So let’s reevaluate your list.
10. The Rock—killer movie, good fight scenes, tense moments, needle in chest, poison gas, car chase…this movie rules
9. Van Helsing…correct, this movie blew
8. Pearl Harbor…my buddy’s conclusion “needed more boobs and blood”
7. Meet the Fockers… i hate this movie, you’re exactly right.
6. Armageddon—I’m sorry dude, sometimes america has to save the day, get over that fact and you’ll be much happier. bruce willis died, there was that cool russian dude, liv was hot, and there was lots of tense posturing plus a lot of people died
5. Patch Adams—really lame
4. Titanic—what can i say, it sucked, everybody knows it but it still made a 1x10^9 $$$
3. Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace—-yeah, yeah too much hype…jake lloyd sucked royally, naboo was gay…but darth maul was cool, qui gonn kicked arse, and the duel of the fates still holds as the greatest sword fight in movie history
2. Big Momma’s House—this movie was really funny, sorry it wasn’t the royal tennenbaums or the life aquatic or some other non-funny, intellectual queerfest
1. Batman & Robin—worst movie ever, right on.
Posted by: Allen at May 4, 2006 12:32 AM
God, I love Pajiba.
You’re preaching to the choir about these films, with the exception of Van Helsing and Meet the Fockers. I didn’t realize that Meet the Fockers was considered a blockbuster film. Wow. I didn’t think it was horrible, just mediocre. I wanted to kick the shit out of Ben Stiller, though.
Van Helsing, IMO, was just good harmless fun. It wasn’t Oscar material or anything, but it was a good summer flick. What made it bad was Kate Beckinsale (was she even needed?), and the guy playing Frankenstein sounded like he was auditioning for Aria. And his head looked like an XBox. What was that about?
I admit being a weepy bitch during Titanic, but I was 15. And as for Star Wars, you couldn’t pay me to see that shit again. I fell asleep watching the third one, waking briefly to eat my popcorn and Whoppers. Once Amidala muttered that godawful “Hold me by the lake at Naboo” line, I was gone. That was just a piece of excrement I never need to see again.
While Robin Williams’ movies have truly sucked the big one as of late (Bicentennial Man…shudder) he does have some weird likeble quality that makes you keep seeing his movies. I liked The Birdcage because of the over-the-top acting. Plus, it’s one of the few remakes that stays true to the original (La Cage aux Folles)
A brilliant Top 10 list. I’m looking forward to these in the future.
Posted by: Brie at May 4, 2006 12:55 AM
The only movie on this list I’ve actually seen is Star Wars.
You poor thing, did mean ol’ George Lucas rape your childhood? That silly man didn’t make the movie you had been dreaming up in your head and breathlessly typing out to post on your fav fanfic site.
“But but but Vader is supposed to be a bad guy!”
“But but but Obi-Wan is supposed to be a Jedi Master!”
“But but but you can’t show that Anakin was gifted by having him build a boring droid, he should have been cutting enemies down with a lightsaber he built in the womb!”
“But but but Star Wars has never had an annoying tag-along that bumbles through the movie talking in a funny accent!”
Cry me a river. The movie wasn’t was you expected or what you wanted. It wasn’t a thousand mindless explosions and lightsaber battles. It was more thoughtful, presenting a society that was so brimming with corruption and stagnated by bureaucracy that an entire planet could be taken hostage and its government couldn’t do a damn thing about it. How dare he not satiate the masses (you know, the ones that made the crap you listed above into hits)? If he had made a movie that the fans whined for, you’d be assailing him now for pandering to them instead of maintaining his creative integrity.
I’m glad he isn’t going to make 7,8, and 9. I don’t think I could stand another 9 years of listening to and reading people bitch about what he SHOULD have done with HIS story.
Posted by: Lisa at May 4, 2006 01:20 AM
I’ve never seen Big Momma’s House or Patch Adams, but I’m willing to take your word for it. And I’ll concur that seven more on your list were some of the worst swill ever produced.
Where you’re wrong is The Rock. That movie was awesome. Much like Point Break, it was so bad that it came full circle back to good and then moved on to FANTASTIC.
Where else can you get Nicholas Cage being really weird, military hero villains with original motives, Sean Connery with his best hairdo since Zardoz, V.X. poison gas in the “Really Elegant String of Pearls Configuration,” a Ferrari/Hummer chase scene through San Francisco and a completely ridiculous Alcatraz infiltration which involved not only giant killer exhaust fan blades, but the rhythmic firing of gas jets which ONLY SEAN CONNERY NEW WELL ENOUGH TO NEGOTIATE!? A beautiful movie, from start to finish.
“I’m a chemical superfreak, actually, but I still need a gun.
Posted by: Kris at May 4, 2006 02:15 AM
Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle raped our wallets
Posted by: Candy at May 4, 2006 02:41 AM
Feck! I had a great addition. Damnable brainfarts.
Um.
-The Pacifier, for sure. The Grudge? Constantine? (I fell asleep during that one.)
The Rock is one of my guilty pleasures, as is Con Air. I know they’re horrible. I know that as a film snob, I should despise them, but when they come on TBS, I can’t look away.
Goddamnit, it was a really good addition, to the list too. Fuck.
OH! I remember! Two, actually.
The Blair witch Project (2 tanked, didn’t it? I hope so.)
and My Big fat Greek Wedding. (I’d suggest Connie & Carla too, but I believe that one tanked too. As it should.)
And
Posted by: Mara at May 4, 2006 03:03 AM
Stealth. Stealth!
Posted by: rocky at May 4, 2006 03:17 AM
This was a fantastic read! I laffednlaffed!
I have to admit to seeing both Big Momma and Batman and Robin, but I have a decent excuse!
Both times I was a captive of interstate transportation, and could not escape.
Well, I suppose I could have thrown myself from the train.
And dying of thirst in the Australian outback could very well have been preferable to the damaged psyche I was left with after Big Momma’s House.
Posted by: Loob at May 4, 2006 03:19 AM
I am issuing my own religious fatwa here for the head of Colin Farrell. The only possible thing worse than ALEXANDER was THE NEW WORLD. I am a serious student of film, but that movie what physically uncomfortable to sit through, even for someone who tried to give it a fair shot. James Horner’s droning music literally gave my girlfriend and I a headache,and hers, a migraine at that. I heard approximately thirty seconds worth of the narration because it was all whispered into the camera from fifty feet away. And I swear there were fifteen-minute-long-shots of grass, BLOWING IN THE WIND; like, five six of them. NOTHING has made me wish for a Bruckheimer/ Bay bullshitter like THE ROCK before or since like that movie.
I second the earlier posting that the ENGLISH PATIENT should have beat out TITANIC for sappiest piece of manipulative tripe, but only because I have a fond place in my heart for the director of THE ABYSS. How Cameron hath fallen.
The STAR WARS PREQUELS (how do you determine which was worst?)have been impressively bad, especially at taking great actors who make other roles jump, putting them in roles coveted by every geek in the world, and rendering them boring as hell. Except Ian Mcdiarmid’s “Now I’m going to turn on the evil button and speak As if I just tried swallowing a cup of crushed glass cause I’ve been found out as the villain”-performance; that was more painful to watch than any asian or african-american stereotype that one-trick-pony Lucas could have thought up. Except possibly for James Earl Jones’s final “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” THAT was the most exhilarating and gut-busting laugh I’ve had in decades.
I vote that the three Star wars prequels be lumped together for the one film worth of content they are, as they made hundreds of millions on the same predictable concept and predictable execution.
Posted by: bigbadsculptor at May 4, 2006 03:42 AM
why isnt titanic number 1??????? i never saw it, just had a feeling
Posted by: olivia at May 4, 2006 04:10 AM
Summer blockbusters are like rollercoasters. There’s no higher brain function involved in the experience…it’s just a fast ride with a few thrills.
Posted by: barbeeanne at May 4, 2006 07:48 AM
A fine list, and certainly it would be hard to dispute that these ten films have wasted an awful lot of filmgoers’ money. I still think it’s a shame that you introduced that $100m box office criterion, though, because surely the worst blockbusters are those killed stone dead by the lethal combination of popular word of mouth and critical contempt. Some of these films were so awful that they seem to have been erased from consciousness. It’s hard to take too seriously a list that omits Gigli, Glitter, Pluto Nash, Swept Away, The Postman, Catwoman, Showgirls, Meteor and Battlefield Earth, all of which were big-budget films that were clearly intended to be big hits.
‘Worst’ lists should acknowledge the degree of disappointment felt by the film lover confronted by one of these over-hyped movies when it misfires. Star Wars fans appear to have been thoroughly traumatised by The Phantom Menace; those of us who think that the original film is pretty crappy — and there are more of us than you might think — weren’t so disappointed, because we took the wooden dialogue, cliched plotting and infantile characterisation for granted. For those of us who admired THX 1138, the first Star Wars film was the real kick in the teeth.
On ratio of expectation to disappointment, I would like to have seen Spielberg’s 1941 on the list, alongside Total Recall, Alien III, The Avengers and The Blues Brothers. But life isn’t fair.
Posted by: Paul Bowes at May 4, 2006 08:08 AM
Paul Bowes, you forgot WaterWorld
Posted by: Candy at May 4, 2006 08:32 AM
I have a deep, shameful love for Titanic. I know, it’s really sad, but it is based on those FANTASTIC dresses that Winslet wears throughout the movie.
I’m sorry.
Will you ever forgive me?
Posted by: Pamela at May 4, 2006 09:06 AM
How about you learn to spell first?
“who don’t even bother to act and endure any pretense that will allow them to bear their gleaming, well-toned flesh;”
Posted by: Joe at May 4, 2006 09:24 AM
Great list but I would add Top Gun and Basic Instinct, the only two movies I’ve ever been tempted to walk out on. I knew someone who saw Top Gun 21 times the summer it came out and could barely make it through once.
Posted by: Craig at May 4, 2006 09:50 AM
All of you odious dicks sit and criticize these films, the thing is, you think these films would have grossed as much money if hypocritical assholes like yourselves(ourselves) had not been to see them?
By the by, in the rest of the world you spell harbor with a U, like HARBOUR.
What the fuck is wrong with Americans?
“Basically, anyone who likes this movie is at best misguided and at worst an outright moron who should be informed immediately of this film’s utter lack of redeeming qualities and told to keep their love for it a secret, lest people find them out and permanently ostracize them from society”
I feel that in a country that harps on about it’s constitution as much as Americans do, to ostracize people as for any opinion is quite uncalled for. I always believed America was called the land of the free because you could express yourself freely.
Anyway, thats my two cents.
Good on Pajiba, interesting shit, most of the time.
Posted by: Justin. at May 4, 2006 10:10 AM
I hated Van Helsing. HATED it (not as much as the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, but still…)
And what about Eddie Murphy’s Dr. Doolittle fiasco a few years ago?
Posted by: Megan at May 4, 2006 10:14 AM
You put The Rock on there, but not National Treasure? You left out The Hulk, and Daredevil? What’s wrong with you. Pearl Harbor is much worse than Armageddon. Alexander should probably be on that list too. As should Blair Witch and Godzilla, and probably Planet of the Apes. I must agree with whoever said it, but any movie that tries to be epic, and good, but fails is worse than a smaller light-hearted one that doesn’t quite work. You definitely knew what Patch Adams and Meet the Fockers were going to be like, even if you aren’t the sharpest tool in the shed.
Posted by: LB at May 4, 2006 10:40 AM
I agree with whoever posted about Passion of the Christ (which I have renamed Passion of the Jesusheart), but alas it was NOT a summer Blockbuster. I remember being ROYALLY pissed that I went to see it instead of watching March Madness.
And I STILL submit LARA CROFT:TOMB RAIDER
Posted by: redkitten at May 4, 2006 10:41 AM
My bad, apparently it’s not SUMMER Blockbusters. Then by all means, “The-Passion- of-Mel-Gibson-loving-on-Jesus” should be on that list. What a nutty log.
Posted by: redkitten at May 4, 2006 10:46 AM
Batman WAS campy. Robin WAS sexually ambiguous.
I’d like to point out that the narrow view you take on what batman’s idiom should be, i.e. the dark knight, is actually quite new and was met with a lot of controversy when first introduced. Batman was campy in just the ways that Batman & Robin portrayed them. I’m speaking here about the comic book; the show with Adam west was a TV adaptation of this theme. It seems that lately a lot of people claiming to be batman fans completely ignore what amounts to about half of what batman really was, a campy hero with a rich and eccentric alter ego (Bruce died when batman was born). Batman did not become the dark knight until the 80s, when America lost it’s idealistic hippie fervor. See here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batman
Posted by: blue at May 4, 2006 10:49 AM
tee heeeee … they all bought into Gump!!!! They buy into my crap!!! They thought Gump was profound. They think it’s brilliant to cut up old TV footage and throw it into a film and then act like it’s never been done before! And I get to be a zillionnaire from it. AWEsome! Who knew that the very same stuff I was doing in high school film lab would win Oscars and stuff? Who knew???? Only ONE human on this entire board even mentioned that I should have been on the list of the Ten Worst and NO ONE backed him up. Oh, this rocks. Thanks, everyone!
Actually, when the rankings were complete, Forrest Gump came in at number 11, where it remained despite my lobbying to move it to a higher position. We here at Pajiba are devoted to our mathematical formulas and would never cheat to get around the purely scientific results. — Editor
Posted by: Robert Zemeckis at May 4, 2006 10:50 AM
I’ll have to assume you’re right about all 10, but can thankfully say that I’m not naive enough to fall for 90% of the blockbusters put to film. Show some self control people and just say no!!
The one’s I fell for definitely belong on the list, but there are so few even remotely decent movies made anymore that, to me, cinema is not just dead, its buried.
Posted by: David at May 4, 2006 10:55 AM
I’ve only seen 3 movies on that list thankfully.
Meet the Fockers was one of the worst (blockbuster or not) movies that I’ve ever seen. It wasn’t even funny! An old man’s back getting busted playing sports? A dog raping a cat? Seriously, how can somebody find this funny?
Freddy Got Fingered can also be added on the list of one of those movies that were supposed to be comedies but didn’t make me chuckle.
As for true blockbusters… hmm…
- Lord of the Rings ] I don’t know how I sat through all three.
- The Hulk ] Probably the only movie where I’ve stood up during it and said “This is terrible. I want to go home.” but nooooo, I had to sit through it.
- Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon ] This was just bad. Maybe it was the fact I was sitting in the front row craning my neck, but man, this movie was bad. No story + mediocre fight scenes = not enjoyable movie.
I could probably list more, but my reasons aren’t as entertaining as the writing staff who wrote this article.
Posted by: Eddy at May 4, 2006 11:02 AM
You are crazy. Big Momma’s House is hysterical. I cannot believe that no one else has spoken up for it. I agree with a previous poster who noted that it is not an intellectual comedy. But it is a very funny one. The scene you note—where Big Momma is playing the midwife—is also very funny. To each their own, I guess.
Posted by: Tom at May 4, 2006 11:12 AM
Any list of this sort without Godzilla (US version with Matthew Broderick) at the top has no credibility. Nothing even comes close to it when pointing out examples of Hollywood incompetence, greed, and their lack of concern about their audience. Plus, it fits all the criteria for this list.
Oh, and to Justin, calm down. You have a few good points in there, but people are going to discount them due to your bashing of Americans. You don’t change people’s minds by insulting them.
Besides, telling people they’re morons for liking a certain film IS free speech. If you don’t want your opinion criticized, then you don’t believe in free speech.
Posted by: Leisher at May 4, 2006 11:20 AM
While not in complete agreement with all the movies on your list, I have to hand it to you, it pretty good. I was a little surprised that your “Almost made the cut list” and “Worst 10 list” weren’t switched, though. With the exception of Batman and Robin (dead on) I thought that every movie in your “almost” catagory was way worse than than the movies that made the list. But, I suppose that’s splitting hairs.
Posted by: Kyle at May 4, 2006 11:21 AM
I was wondering if you would consider posting just a list of these 343 abominations without commentary, because that would take too long and because if you throw enough names out there there should be enough conflict to fuel the commentary for years to come.
Posted by: Corrine at May 4, 2006 11:24 AM
In the interest of stoking the fires of controversy, the list we worked from (which is based purely on box-office gross, not quality) can be found here. I’d also like to note, for those of you offended by the exclusion of certain movies, that we voted based on movies we had seen; if none of us saw, say, Godzilla (and God knows I’ve avoided it), none of us voted for it. And, to give the illusion of fairness, our votes were weighted against both the films’ profitability and the overall reactions of other critics, so movies that were widely given positive reviews fared better in the rankings, no matter how much we hated them. Our formula is no doubt imperfect, but it’s the one we used. Like it or lump it.
Posted by: Editor at May 4, 2006 11:40 AM
Great article. The only movie that’s kind of a guilty pleasure for me is The Rock. It was just enough tongue-in-cheeck to make it all just stupid fun. In its stead I would personally put MI:II. That was even more stupid (not to mention just a big Tom Cruise ego-trip) except it took itself seriously!
Never saw Patch Adams (thankfully) and I don’t even want to be on the same planet as the Big Momma bullshit (that’s a “do-I-want-to-know-you-or-not” test for me. Whether or not you like those movies) but the rest I unfortunately saw and cringed at. And of course, we all know Ep I was the biggest dissappointment of my generation, we all know Michael Bay is the personification of all the Hack-Gods, and no matter how many people have described the sheer awfulness of B&R, it can never be said enough. But thank you for including Titanic.
When I saw that in the theater, after all that ridiculous hype….man I felt alone. I mean, parts of it were well-made, but the characters were flimpsy cyphers having a ‘romance’ that didn’t go above average cliched teen-soap ANYwhere! Talk about overrated!
(And was I the only one who noticed that Leo, while basically a talented actor, looked like a 15 year old with the face of a 9 year old??)
Posted by: Dantez at May 4, 2006 12:03 PM
It’s so hard to limit yourself to just ten. Con Air, Battlefield Earth, Daredevil, Forrest Gump, the Patriot, Jumanji, Bicentennial Man, Braveheart, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Broken Arrow, Waterworld, etc - there are so many strong contenders.
For some reason, Robin Williams, John Travolta, Ben Affleck, Sean Connery, have this uncanny knack for repeatedly being in the absolute worst movies ever. Bruckheimer, Bay, Schumacher, and Boll are my most hated directors. I feel exactly like you about Lucas who corrupted my beloved Star Wars (although I think there’s more to his downfall than greed).
Great topic!
Posted by: amateur critic at May 4, 2006 12:28 PM
Ugh, I’ve seen all of these films except for Pearl Harbour, thank god. I actually for into an argument with a co-worker the other day about the validity of United 93, which I was about to go see… “It looks really good.” “No, they came out with that movie too soon. I can’t believe they made a movie about that.” “Not really, it’s been 5 years since it happened.” “Well, look at how long it took them to make that movie… about the planes, and bombs…with, um, Affleck…” “Pearl Harbour?” “Yeah! That movie! They didn’t make a Pearl Harbour movie right after it happened! They waited a while, out of respect!” silence……….. “What the HELL are you talking about?!!”
*shudder*
I have to admit, when I was around 13 I saw Titanic for my birthday and sobbed my eyes out. Now, I insist I will one day bring it out for my boyfriend just to punish him.
And boy, did I love Batman and Robin when it came out. I actually dragged my poor cousin who I had never met before that day out to that movie. I think it’s just because I had a soft spot for Uma’s flame red hair, which I always sport now. ;) And then once it came out on video, I insisted my parents watch the movie with me, Bat-nipples and all. I’m so sorry, Mom and Dad, please, please forgive me.
Ugh, Van Helsing sucks schweaty balls. I went to see it with a guy 9 years older than me who was trying to get in my pants. I wouldn’t let him touch me the entire movie, and then I picked it apart just devastate him on the ride home. Now, my little sister loves that movie, and I’m just so tempted to explain to her, “NO, it is a travesty, an abomination… LEFT HAND OF GOD?!! It makes no sense! Also, I didn’t like the guy I saw it with, therefore it is terrible.
Posted by: naive_charm at May 4, 2006 12:39 PM
Ugh, I’ve seen all of these films except for Pearl Harbour, thank god. I actually for into an argument with a co-worker the other day about the validity of United 93, which I was about to go see… “It looks really good.” “No, they came out with that movie too soon. I can’t believe they made a movie about that.” “Not really, it’s been 5 years since it happened.” “Well, look at how long it took them to make that movie… about the planes, and bombs…with, um, Affleck…” “Pearl Harbour?” “Yeah! That movie! They didn’t make a Pearl Harbour movie right after it happened! They waited a while, out of respect!” silence……….. “What the HELL are you talking about?!!”
*shudder*
I have to admit, when I was around 13 I saw Titanic for my birthday and sobbed my eyes out. Now, I insist I will one day bring it out for my boyfriend just to punish him.
And boy, did I love Batman and Robin when it came out. I actually dragged my poor cousin who I had never met before that day out to that movie. I think it’s just because I had a soft spot for Uma’s flame red hair, which I always sport now. ;) And then once it came out on video, I insisted my parents watch the movie with me, Bat-nipples and all. I’m so sorry, Mom and Dad, please, please forgive me.
Ugh, Van Helsing sucks schweaty balls. I went to see it with a guy 9 years older than me who was trying to get in my pants. I wouldn’t let him touch me the entire movie, and then I picked it apart just devastate him on the ride home. Now, my little sister loves that movie, and I’m just so tempted to explain to her, “NO, it is a travesty, an abomination… LEFT HAND OF GOD?!! It makes no sense! Also, I didn’t like the guy I saw it with, therefore it is terrible.
Posted by: naive_charm at May 4, 2006 12:40 PM
You know, I love this site. I read it all the time. But I loved Armageddon, too. So, am I only stupid when I am watching it but not when I am reading this site? Like, how do I totally understand all of the words you all type so brilliantly? Maybe I have split personailities or something. It’s very confusing to someone as retarded as I obviously must be.
However, I am smart enough to know that Pearl Harbor was eight hundred times worse than Armageddon.
Posted by: amberlynne at May 4, 2006 12:45 PM
You forget to mention Robin Williams’ best movie in your 2.5, Good Morning Vietnam.
Posted by: Chris at May 4, 2006 01:17 PM
Hey, I liked Patch Adams, except for when the creey man at end made me cry. Of course, I was thirteen years old when I saw it. And I haven’t seen it since. Hmmm, I should rethink this….
Posted by: Jenn at May 4, 2006 01:44 PM
Great list! I would like to submit for consideration the film “Sleepy Hollow”. While I am usually a fan of Tim Burton’s films, this one was an example of everything that is wrong in Hollywood.
They took a perfectly scary story and BUTCHERED it! They turned the kindly, gangly school teacher Ichabod Crane, and turned him into a DETECTIVE! They completely RUIN the mystery by actually SHOWING IN GREAT DETAIL the Headless Horseman. They absolutely took all of the things that made the original story scary, and STRIPPED THEM OUT!
Then, to top things off, at the climax (or anti-climax)they had a wind-mill BLOW UP in a typical hollywood-style explosion with huge fireballs and everything! What the..??!! Windmills don’t EXPLODE! Its like a bunch of Hollywood moguls got together and said “Great flick, Tim, but it’s missing something…it’s got no sex, no car chases, and no explosions. Look, blow something up and you’ve got a film, deal?” MAN did it suck!
Posted by: Ben at May 4, 2006 02:43 PM
There is something seriously wrong with a world where we can’t stop starvation, AIDS, genocide, sex slavery, etc. etc. and TITANIC made $600,779,824 at the box office.
It makes me sad and tired.
Posted by: Polly at May 4, 2006 02:49 PM
i love you guys, that’s all i have to say.
Posted by: trevor Brader at May 4, 2006 03:04 PM
i love you guys, that’s all i have to say.
Posted by: trevor Brader at May 4, 2006 03:04 PM
i love you guys, that’s all i have to say.
Posted by: trevor Brader at May 4, 2006 03:04 PM
If you’re going to watch Big Momma’s House, you must do it the proper way, as a drinking game. You drink every time someone says “Big Momma”, and an hour into the movie you’ll have passed out. I actually have fond memories of that hangover.
Posted by: Katy at May 4, 2006 03:05 PM
Agree totally with this list, with the exception of Titanic. While most of the directors of the films on your list are total hacks, that cannot be said of Mr. Cameron. Let’s not forget that the studios, the press, and film snobs everywhere were ready to bury Titanic as the next Ishtar before it was released, until it became the biggest money making film of all time, won a bunch of Oscars, and basically told all its doubters to “Fuck Off!” in the most public way possible.
Granted, the film was not my cup of tea, but it was hardly shoddily made or executed. Amongst its bombast, it had several lyrical, small moments that were quite well done and touching - the musicians deciding to play on deck until the end, and the captain coming to the realization that he was doomed to go down with his own ship due to his own folly, are two that stick out for me.
I cannot defend Cameron’s use of Celene Dion, however.
Posted by: Don Mynack at May 4, 2006 04:01 PM
Yeah. On behalf of Canada, we apologize for her. That’s why we sent her to Vegas. Now you guys can deal with her.
Posted by: Mara at May 4, 2006 04:04 PM
On the topic of Couching Tiger, Hidden Dragon…
I think the movie is based on the third part of a tetralogy of stories, so if seemed story-less, my guess is that would be why. I haven’t seen the whole thing though, so I can’t comment any further than that.
Vegas can keep Celine, has anyone heard the lyrics to ‘Ziggy’? Worst ever. But the States can REALLY have A. Lavigne. After the Turino Closing Ceremonies (which were a bit…whimsical for my tastes, even for Closing Ceremonies, I didn’t (RE: couldn’t) watch much) people all over the world probably thought that all Canadians sing flat, which just isn’t true, but that’s not about film so I’ll stop.
Posted by: M at May 4, 2006 04:35 PM
this has to be the most stupid reviews i have ever seen whut a waste if internet space the only reason you even complain about these movies is because you gte off on being different. im afraid that i will never get this time back that i have wasted on this site.
Posted by: grim at May 4, 2006 05:29 PM
I have to agree with tater: Howard The Duck was the worst film of all time!
It’s the only film I actually walked out of, although it turned out to be only 5 or so minutes from the end!
Posted by: derekthered at May 4, 2006 05:43 PM
Let’s not forget that Titanic made two dollars overseas for every dollar it did here. That’s 1.244 BILLION in overseas box office. That’s more than the second film, Return of the King, did in the US and overseas combined. And if you adjust for ticket price inflation, Titanic is still #6 on the all-time US list. Add in the adjusted overseas, and it moves up to #2, less than $100 million behind Gone With The Wind, with over $2.52 billion in box office.
Add in the Oscars, and you get some crap that must have worked for a heck of a lot of people. I haven’t seen it so I can’t explain it.
Posted by: LenS at May 4, 2006 06:17 PM
I actually liked “The Rock” as a brainless action flick; seeing it, as I did, at the very tail end of three movie-less and excruciatingly boring months in Marine Corps boot camp probably colored my perception a tad.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for slamming the phantom menace (which doesn’t even deserve to be capitalized). I was 16 and up to my ears in Star Wars crap when it came out, and I can’t help but count that awful opening night as one of the saddest and most distressing experiences of my life. I don’t want to sound too nerdy here, but Yoda has been a part of my life for longer than my two younger brothers have, and seeing him reduced to that, in all seriousness, broke my heart.
And who likes Darth Maul? I rank him the most disappointing movie character ever.
Posted by: Pen Dragon at May 4, 2006 06:40 PM
i vowed never to see Titanic and i am proud to say that i still have never seen it. yay me.
Posted by: craptastic at May 4, 2006 06:48 PM
I really love Pajiba and wear the T shirt proudly a few thousand miles and three continents away from Ithaca New York and generally se a lot of movies that i would not have otherwise seen merely on the strength of the reviews -thanx again for Brick- I visit the site every day and when I am bored I go through the old reviews.
But.
While I love the reviews which are often very funny especially Dustin, and often moving pieces of writing (Jeremy if it was up to me you would have a Pulitzer by now) aren’t we barking up a timeless tree in roman times for example the patricians had their Greek theatre (Sophocles, Aeschylus… etc.) and the plebeians had the gladiatorial fights with lots of blood. and never the twain shall meet.
Film is a relatively new medium in which both mindless excess and thought provoking art happen share the same basic venue.
In my city; Jerusalem, Israel I can catch Michael Bay’s latest excess at the Globus or the new Indie at the Smadar (a small art house that reeks of urine) and of course if it’s one or the other than thought provoking is always one up.
343 movies making over 100 million makes a twelve digit number, over 3 TRILLION dollars seen in massive multiplexes while I watch my stuff in a cramped art house that smells of piss.
Plebs: 1 us: 0
Posted by: Thaf at May 4, 2006 07:06 PM
>
There was also “Hardware Wars” which is on the same tape as “Porklips Now.” “Porklips” is hands down the most gut-wrenchingly hilarious (and lo-bud to the tune of about $500) film ever made. (“Suburbia…shit.”) In “Hardware,” Princess Leia actually HAD pastries on the side of her head. Almost impossible to find— I finally got a copy and my fiend taped football over it.
Posted by: Karen at May 4, 2006 07:29 PM
Shakespeare wrote for the plebs.
Posted by: ormond at May 4, 2006 07:47 PM
Wow! I feel better now. Only one of these I ever saw was “Phantom Menace”, and I got my sister to buy me the dvd for Christmas. So none of them made any money off me.
My mom asked my dad back in the day if he wanted to see “Titanic”. His response? “Why? I already know how it ends.”… I am my father’s son.
It all reminds me of talking to a coworker about “Enemy at the Gates”. He raved about “the effects”, but didn’t have much to say about things like plot, acting, directing, etc. But the effects were great!
Posted by: Rob at May 4, 2006 07:49 PM
Karen,
Ah, Porklips now! Never able to find that one. Too bad. I love the smell of carbon monoxide in the morning.
Posted by: Rob at May 4, 2006 07:50 PM
i didn’t read through all the comments, but:
why not give us a 10 best summer blockbusters list?
anybody and their mother can write a Ten Worst List.
Ten Best would be more challenging, because you’d have to convince us, and it’d give us something to watch, instead of advising us on what NOT to watch (even though i bet most of your audience has seen most of the movies in your worst list).
Posted by: Flash at May 4, 2006 09:21 PM
SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL!
The masses are marching in the streets and chanting. Surely there’s enough vitriol and bitchiness left over for a top twenty … or dare I say…top 25 or 30….?
Posted by: LordTentacle at May 4, 2006 09:54 PM
You know, Fifth Element and Last Action Hero (neither in the list but both mentioned by other posters) were cute and funny and campy, along the lines of the typical light summer fare. I don’t begrudge movies that set out to be mere entertainment; LAH is still one of the most quotable movies my husband has ever convinced me to watch. (Claudius: “Stay thy hand, fair prince!” Arnie: “Who said I was fair?” BLAM BLAM BLAM) But movies like Phantom Menace make me cringe and make me angry. It’s when the director/producer/whoever either a) makes something that will appeal to the lowest common denominator in a bid to get their money and not to make anything actually redeeming or b) tricks the audience into THINKING they’re going to see an entertaining movie but replaces it with tripe (see abovenamed Phantom Menace). If only theaters would give back our money if we weren’t entertained! Thank the Internet gods for Pajiba and Netflix. ;)
Posted by: cgoddess at May 5, 2006 02:17 AM
Thank god another Michael Bay/Bruckheimer hater. Man they suck. Thank you!
Posted by: E-Dub at May 5, 2006 03:13 AM
formidible list.
However,
If you want to talk truly stupid… my goodness, The league of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
they gayed up Dorian Grey! and Tom Sawyer as an action hero? I almost expected him to pull out a dead rat. DRIVING in venice?
the whole thing was insane. One plot twist as ridiclous as the next.
Why would sean connery agree to such a film? Who was that tom sawyer kid?
Who was Dorian Grey?
For that matter, who was Nina Harper?
and poor captain Nemo?
it was like sean connery randomly recruited an entire cast and quickly penned a script just so he’d get to play Quartermain.
Really, truly, dumbest movie ever. Even moreso because throughout you can feel it’s trying, it really thinks it’s trying. It’s just THAT dumb. quite a feat.
Posted by: ani at May 5, 2006 03:24 AM
“SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL!
The masses are marching in the streets and chanting. Surely there’s enough vitriol and bitchiness left over for a top twenty … or dare I say…top 25 or 30….?”
Ironically enough, most film today seems to be pathetic sequels, bad remakes of classics or book conversions. My additions to the list would be:
The Fantastic Four - Dear God, why?
The Day After Tomorrow - Yet another crappy disaster film with nothing new.
Any Harry Potter film - Amazing how they can turn a dull, overrated book series into an even duller and more overrated film series.
Posted by: almightybob at May 5, 2006 07:03 AM
Excellent list…and I lament the additions of Star Wars I and Batman & Robin. I saw both of those in the cinema with such high hopes…which were tragically dashed by giant Arab flies and glass-covered Teutonic morons, respectively. George Lucas should be ashamed…no, he should be crucified; literally crucified for ruining the best franchise ever. Kickass lightsaber battles aside, nothing can redeem the sin of Stepin Fetchit…er, Jar-Jar Binks. Lucas, you fuckhead.
Posted by: The VZA at May 5, 2006 07:54 AM
I am not sure you are very smart based on this list. Your arguments are weak and you seem to have created less a list of bad blockbusters and more of an assault on the Bay/Bruckheimer tandem. Your journalistic instincts must have come from a box of f-in Cracker Jacks. Let me go out on a limb and say that you have created the exact same bombastic, over the top style entertainment as Armageddon with this ridiculous rant of yours. Hypocrite.
Posted by: Patrick at May 5, 2006 09:36 AM
I laughed aloud when I read about the Armeggedon litmus test… my sisters and I have a nearly identical marker in place, which involves asking people what they thought of “The Perfect Storm” and “Armegeddon”. We are never able to believe how many people LOVE these God-awful movies! One way to always be able to tell that a movie is truly going to suck is when they have slow motion sequences that involve American Flags waving and generic ridiculous shots of Americana a la Armegeddon! Also, don’t forget the motley crew of one dimensional characters that populate the casts of these monsters… the family man, the angry guy, the lover, the scientist, etc…..
Posted by: Tanis at May 5, 2006 10:29 AM
” Unbreakable ” was a protracted and profound commentary on gender politics. The struggles to rediscover, renew, and finally convey the principle of heroism in an in an age of victimology is fascinating and moving. This was not a failed action film, or a bizarrely diffident sci-fi flick. It was an absolute triumph of a deconstructionist family romance.
Posted by: Lee at May 5, 2006 11:51 AM
I would definitely put “independence day” to this list and “signs” by m night shyamalan
Posted by: bobby domingo at May 5, 2006 12:45 PM
YOU ALL EXPECT WAY TOO MUCH FROM HOLLYWOOD!!!!!! I understand why none of you like the movies listed above, you are not the average movie goers! You actually want to go into a movie and come out better and smarter people for it. That’s not how it works! If you want some real redeeming value, sit down and READ! I don’t care what you read just do it, books, poems, short stories, comics, I don’t care! You will never get anything other than mind numbing drivel out of Hollywood. If you don’t believe me, sit down to read “Memoirs of a Geisha”, then watch the movie. If you like the movie better it is because you are a damn MORON! We have gotten away from reading in our society and expect all of the best stories to be told on the silver screen. That is why Hollywood has done so many conversions from literature to film. Does it ever work, once in a great while, just look at Frank Miller’s “Sin City”. Typically speaking however they fall very short, so how can you hold them to such high standards that they must write something original, and pull it off!!!! MOVIES ARE MIND NUMBING!!!! That is why you go to them! They are some thing you can go to and watch without putting too much effort or thought into! If stuff blows up you are supposed to notice shrapnel flying, NOT THE ACTING! Otherwise people like Jean Claud and Tom Cruise would just be better looking that average homeless rejects. Most action stars don’t have any other qualities than being able to look cool when things get hairy. So please, stop putting so much pressure on the poor actors, directors, script writers, and everyone else that works on these movies. They are under enough pressure knowing what they pass out to society is complete drivel. Take movies for what they are for, stupid yet fun ways to burn a few hours. Some of the most fun I have ever had at the movies were during some of the worst films. The difference is good company. If you watch the movie with people you enjoy, you will be astounded and how much better the movie is. If you ever find yourself wanting more out of a movie, go to a location that makes you feel better and invite along some friends. If you don’t want to do that I highly suggest you PICK UP A BOOK! The worst thing that can happen is you may fall asleep and get newspaper print on your face, but on the up side, you may actually GASP… learn something or be very entertained!
Posted by: Theresa at May 5, 2006 01:56 PM
Awesome article. I’m so sorry this is the first time I’ve seen this site!
The only proverbial bone I have to pick with you is saying Robin Williams has only made 2.5 good movies in his career. I find it hard to believe that someone of your film prowess has neglected to see The Birdcage at some point in your career as a movie cynic. Or Good Morning, Vietnam. I could use Aladdin, as a stretch, but that would be like nominating the monkey for an Oscar for King Kong.
And to people bitching about others’ reading too much into movies: shut up. Movies used to exist as pure entertainment, but they’ve evolved. Please follow suit. Thank you.
Posted by: Allison at May 5, 2006 03:20 PM
Oh, Dear Lord, I hate “Titanic” so much. Thanks for justifying my ire.
Posted by: sgrace at May 5, 2006 06:17 PM
You’re right on target with Batman & Robin at #1. It’s my “two hours of my life that I’ll never get back” movie, and it’s also the movie that I would have lov